Dear Mom and Dad,

I know I’m not easy to live with right now. Quite frankly, you’re not easy to live with either. Here are some clues from my end about what’s going on…

1.    I need to figure things out for myself.

I’m thinking hard these days because I want to understand what I believe about politics and religion and what’s right and what’s wrong. I’m becoming a thinking person – a real adult – and to do that I’m testing a lot of ideas. Some are probably silly and I’ll move past them. But I’m not you and you can’t tell me what to think or even what to believe. I’d like to bounce ideas off you but we’ve got to be able to have civil discussions. I don’t want to argue and I don’t want you to tell me what to do.

2.    My friends are important to me.

These are the people I’ll be living with all my life and I want their appreciation and respect. Some friend or other might one day become the person I decide to marry. So when you dismiss my friends and say unkind things about them, that makes me sad and angry. I know these people – they’re good people. You don’t know them and you don’t have a right to judge. So at least be polite to my friends. Show me that you care about me by being gracious to the people I care about.

3.    I’m afraid of making mistakes and mistakes seem to be everywhere.

I’ll tell you right now, I’m terrified a lot of the time. I wonder how I’ll ever figure out how to have a job and make enough money to have my own place. I don’t know how I’ll be able to live on my own without you but I know that I will, in just a few years. So many of the rules of adult life are hidden from me. I don’t understand how to stay out of trouble and trouble seems sometimes to follow me around. This all makes me tense and anxious. It makes me jump to conclusions and fight back when I realize later that getting angry was a stupid thing to do. So I’m sorry. I know you’re only trying to help. I do need you.

4.    When I make mistakes I need your help to fix them.

It used to be that trouble was just trouble at school or with the kids in the neighborhood. Nothing serious. Now the kinds of trouble I can get into – that kids I know have got into – are the kinds of trouble that puts people in jail or in the hospital. I already feel like I’m in over my head and when I get in trouble I feel the waters closing over me. I need your help. Please help me. Don’t turn your back on me. Even though I may have ignored you a lot lately, I really need a hand to pull me out of the deep water and get me back to safety. Be there for me, no matter what.

5.    I really do love you and someday I’ll be able to tell you that again.

Mom. Dad. I love you. Right now, with all that’s going on in my life and with the friction that seems to be between us these days, I know I don’t say that enough. I do love you, though, and I want us to get along. Tell me that you love me. I need to hear it. Don’t attach any conditions – don’t tell me “I will love you if you do what I want.” Don’t extort my love by saying “if you loved me you would do as I ask.” I love you. Please love me. Please love the real me.

Thanks for listening.

Love,

Your Teen

Blaming something or someone else when we are angry, criticized, or thwarted in any way is as common among humans as laughing or crying. We naturally and automatically defend ourselves when we feel attacked, but each one’s perception of what amounts to an attack is up to individual interpretation. Unfortunately many parents feel under attack from even their smallest child. So we blame.

Blaming another for what is my problem, my responsibility, is clearly learned. To take responsibility for ourselves—our own behavior and emotions—is hard. We want others to suffer when we suffer. It’s called retaliation. We learn to retaliate when we are blamed—often at very young ages.

Whenever we feel blamed, we get defensive. So do our children. “Why did you do that?” “What did you do now?” “You always .…/never….” “I can’t leave you alone for a second!” “How dare you?” “How many times do I have to tell you…?” Just a tone of voice can send blame showering over a child filling him with tension and resistance—“Jason!” He has no option but to defend himself. “I didn’t do it!”

We live with the myth that a child who is blamed and yelled at is going to learn to take responsibility for her actions, own up to everything, and never do it again for fear of displeasing us. That’s not how it works. When children feel blamed, their focus turns inward with self-protection, and they defend themselves against the blame to keep from “getting in trouble”. More spirited children resist with aggressive behavior, act out and learn how to get sneaky and shirk responsibility.

Children with a more compliant, adaptable temperament take blame personally, plummet into guilt and self-doubt, learn that “everything” is their fault and that they are a disappointment, and lose self-esteem. These children look like the good girls and boys because they are able to shift their behavior to keep out of trouble—but at the cost of self-worth and confidence. These children are the reason we keep using blame and punishment because it looks like it works. But once self-esteem drops, trouble begins.

When children who are used to being blamed become parents, they continue to blame. It’s hard not to. It comes trippingly off the tongue. Teaching children to be well disciplined, respectful, and responsible can be done far better with no blame. Once you understand the principle of blame and how it plays out, you will never want to blame again.

Blame provokes defensive behavior. Running away, laughing, hitting, pushing, lying, yelling, “you’re not the boss of me”, “you can’t make me”, “you’re so mean”—are all defensive actions to “get back” for getting blamed. Some children become overly concerned about how you feel. “Are you happy, Mommy?” means the child has learned to take responsibility for your feelings and likely feels guilty if you are upset. Your happiness means he can relax.

A mother of two young daughters has been trying to convince her girls that they are not responsible for her feelings. The six year old said to her, “But when you scream at me for not turning off the television, I know you wouldn’t scream if I turned it off, so that means I’m responsible for your feelings.” Pretty astute for a six year old!

When we blame in anger, we indeed teach our children that they are responsible for our feelings and our behavior. “You make me so mad. Why do I have to yell 10 times before you listen? Or “It makes mommy happy when you do that.”

 We don’t pay attention to the messages we send our children with blame. “You’re the bad one, I don’t approve of you, My love is conditional on your behavior, You don’t have a right to your own feelings and desires, You have to make other people happy with your behavior.”

 When we refrain from blame, even when one child has hurt another badly, we can put our attention on the hurt and allow the hurter to take in the situation he has caused. When he is blamed, he cannot because all he can focus on is getting out of trouble or blaming the other for starting it. When he is not blamed he actually experiences the consequences of his behavior. You can then offer him ways to make amends. “Do you want to get the icepack to hold on your brother’s arm?” Later you can talk about his anger and how to express it differently.

Problem solving and conflict resolution promotes true accountability. Blame and punishment prevents it. When children know they are not going to get in trouble, the fear of trouble no longer drives them to defensive behaviors.

Parents of teenagers seem to have one question that I hear over and over again, both from friends and professionally: How much freedom should I give my teen? Unfortunately, there is no one right answer, and not an easy question to answer at all.

By definition, teens are trying to separate their identities from yours and define who they are as individuals. Their peer group becomes all important, and the family less and less. The sometimes scary reality is that in just a few short years, they will be off to college and essentially on their own, making most of their own decisions about what to do and when. If they go away having had no experience with freedom, you will have a disaster on your hands.

You must give some freedoms and increase them over time, so that when your child leaves home, he is prepared. The best answer to how much and when is really is that it depends. It depends on many factors, from your own personal values and comfort level to the traits and behaviors of the teens themselves. I will demonstrate some different and most common scenarios with some advice on how to handle each.

Example 1: Your child is very independent and self-motivated. He comes home from school, does his homework, studies and does well on tests. He picks up his clothes and takes out the trash without being nagged or reminded. He’s never really gotten in trouble at school or anywhere else, and he has chosen friends that your believe are “good kids”. He has typically displayed good judgement when faced with decisions. He doesn’t give you much attitude or back talk, and does what is asked and expected of him at least most of the time

If this is your child, you are truly one of the luckiest parents in the world. Give your teen as much freedom as you feel comfortable with. He seems trustworthy enough to go out with his friends and not get into trouble. He doesn’t need you micro-managing everything he does, so minimal interference is appropriate as long as his behavior stays on par.

Of course, respectful boundaries and communication are in order. He must let you know where he is going, with whom, when to expect him back, tell you when he’s running late, etc.

Example 2:   Your teenager is somewhat dysfunctional when it comes to managing his own life. He needs constant reminding and oversight with his homework and studying. His grades are mediocre, he sometimes misses assignments, and doesn’t seem all that concerned about it. He often forgets necessary materials and often loses things. He loses track of time, needs to be asked multiple times to do the things he’s supposed to do, and often gives you attitude or back talk. His friends can be pretty obnoxious, and he’s been in some minimal trouble at school or other places before.

A dilemma comes into play here. As a normal teenager, he still wants to separate from you and do his own thing, and he does need to learn how. The problem is that he’s not really there yet. And this will frustrate him. So you give a little, with a lot of boundaries, and constantly discuss how he can earn more freedoms by showing you the ways in which he is ready for that, such as being respectful, doing the things he’s supposed to do, etc.

When you let him do something, make sure you know everything you need to know to feel comfortable: who, what, where, when, and why. Discuss how he is getting there and how he is getting home, and at what time. Let him know what your expectations are, and if he violates them, you take a step back on the freedom. On the other hand, if he does a good job repeatedly, honor that by giving even a bit more freedom.

Example 3: Your teen is completely disrespectful of nearly all authority and boundaries. He consistently violates rules and frequently gets himself into trouble. He doesn’t help around the house, rarely does what is asked, and doesn’t get good grades. You don’t like his friends and they’re into some pretty bad stuff, like drugs or alcohol.

You’ve got your work cut out for you. First of all, I would recommend some professional help, starting with you. You need to learn how to set boundaries and have authority over your teen so he doesn’t become completely out of control and end up in jail. He may benefit from counseling, as there may be underlying issues with anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc.

While your teen likely believes he is an independent and mature individual who can make all his own decisions, he clearly is not. None of the behaviors described above are demonstrations of independence or maturity. Reel in the freedoms and privileges until significant changes are made. If none are made, let this kid go out into the world as soon as he turns 18 and he will quickly figure out that he has a lot a maturing to do.

Honestly, as harsh as that sounds, it can sometimes be a gift. Stop giving them money, stop doing things for them, and watch as they grow up quickly. I’ve seen it a million times, it’s either sink or swim. Usually, after struggling with an adjustment period, they end up swimming.

If you have a more typical teen, one that teeters between example 1 and example 2, just give out freedoms based on what you see. Freedoms can be given and taken away based on current behaviors and circumstances. But the reality is, they must be given. And it is likely that your child will mess up some of the time. Talk about this, and use these moments for learning and as opportunities for growth.

Try to remember what it is like to be a teenager, thinking you’re all grown up, but still dependent on your parents. Take a breath, engage every ounce of patience you have in you, and move forward. With your hard work and due diligence, you will raise your kids to become successful and productive adults.

Oh, the middle school years. Full of growing pains and struggles galore. Becoming more independent, taking harder classes, managing time and homework, and as if that’s not enough…social lives and social issues start to matter and change and it can just be really hard to navigate. “Play dates” become “getting together” and “hanging out”. Cliques begin to form, and those kids your child has been friends with since kindergarten or earlier, start splitting off and going their separate ways.

As a parent, it is so hard to watch your child struggle in any way. This is especially true when it comes to having friends and being accepted. There is nothing more painful than watching your child become alienated from his long-term group of friends and not knowing where he fits in. If he’s being shunned by his old friends, or worse, being teased or bullied, it is just an impossible situation. So what is a parent to do? How can you help your child through these difficult years and all of the challenges they hold?

First, try to remember what these years are all about. Being a tween is not supposed to be easy. Remember when they were toddlers and two years old? They wanted to be babies and big kids all at the same time? They wanted to walk and talk, but couldn’t always do everything they wanted. They’d get frustrated and one minute act like a baby and another act like such a big kid. This isn’t really that different. They just look different now.

In nursery school and kindergarten, generally speaking, all of the kids like each other. They are all encouraged to be friends, and they have no reason not to like each other (except maybe in cases where there was a situation, and even then, teachers almost always can help resolve these). All through grade school, your child will very likely have a large group of friends from school, of course gravitating towards spending more time with certain kids than others. His friendships seem solid and stable, and you are likely even friends with most of the parents.

Then, boom, middle school happens. Your child seems sad and angry and withdrawn. You start asking questions only to find out that his ‘friends’ haven’t been acting much like friends at all lately. They had a birthday party and didn’t invite him. They don’t want to eat lunch with him or play with him. When he calls to invite them over, they’re always busy. Could it really be happening? Your son’s friends don’t like him anymore?

Someone might as well have put a knife in your heart. That’s how much it hurts. But, as much as I hate to say this, it is normal for kids to drift apart around this age, as they are finding where and with whom they fit it. Personalities and “types” have emerged. The nerdy kids all start hanging out together, the athletes, the creatives, etc.   The ‘groups’ shift and new ones form and it might be the hardest thing your child ever has to endure. But, you have to remember this is normal. By doing so, you are better equipped to help your child through this difficult transition.

Here is where your tough job comes in. You have to be both empathetic and supportive, and also realistic and diplomatic. Talk to your child about all the different kinds of changes that happen during these years, and assure him he will find his niche where he fits in and will be happy. Let him know that you understand how hard it is. Explain that this just might not end up being with the kids he’s known and hung out with most of his life. Sometimes it is, and then things are easy and your child is lucky, but remind your child that these are all normal growing pains and they will pass.

Try not to jump in and “fix” every problem, unless it really seems serious and your child is distraught. You can actually do more damage than good. Give your child practical tools for solving problems on his own, like being a good friend and exploring his interests to find where he fits. Help him find his voice if he is hurt or confused with his friends. Sometimes it can be helpful to talk to a teacher or administrator and let them know if you feel your child is struggling. They can keep an eye out and step in if necessary. Of course, if he is being treated in an unacceptable way, such as bullying, then you will definitely need to step in and advocate for your child.

At the end of the day, your child needs to feel loved and understood by you, first and foremost. He will figure out his friendships with the loving guidance you give him and the confidence you have in him. While he may need some help along the way navigating this, you must remember that he is growing up. There are plenty more changes coming soon, so brace yourself and hang in there. You can do this.

Punks. Losers. Sex-crazed. Dumb. Do your teen’s best friends raise your eyebrows and lots of red flags? What can you do if the kids your own kid hangs out with seem sketchy and scary?

The reason why our teen’s friends worry us is that we realize these people create a mirror image of our own child. If he likes these delinquents doesn’t that mean he’s a delinquent too? Well, yes, maybe. It’s unlikely that your teen chooses friends very different from himself, or that kids very different from him choose him as a pal.

Which should be a relief, actually. You know your child and you know that sometimes she dresses strangely and sometimes she says things you’d love to silence but that she’s really a good kid. She’s an ordinary teen, trying to establish her own way of thinking and being and she’s doing not that bad a job of it. Chances are that the very same can be said of your child’s friends. Just like your own kid, other people’s teens might seem more unsavory than they really are.

But maybe this is not a relief but a wake-up call. If you see really unacceptable behavior in your teen’s friends – shoplifting, vandalism, bullying, drug and alcohol use – then it’s a good bet your child is a participant, in a small way if not all-in. If this is the case, then it’s time to stop blaming your teen’s friends for being a bad influence or carping at your child to find friends you think are more acceptable. It’s time to realize that this is who your own child has become, right under your nose.

How can you tell which is the true situation? How can you tell if your child’s friends are really as sweet as your own kid is or if your own kid is just as out-of-control as her friends?

The first thing is to get to know your teen’s friends better. Do you even know who your teen’s friends are or what they like to do? See how many of these questions you can answer:

1. Who is your teen’s “best friend”?
2. Which kids does your teen spend the most time with?
3. Where do these kids live? Are they nearby or a distance away?
4. Is your teen a member of some clique or group?
5. What do your teen and his friends do for fun?
6. What is the riskiest thing your teen and his friends have ever done
7. What is the riskiest thing your teen and his friends do pretty regularly?
8. On a Saturday night, where are your teen and his friends?
9. How often do your teen and his friends skip school? Are his friends often absent or tardy?

The second thing to do is to have a conversation with your teen. This has to be a pleasant talk, in which your attitude is that of a person wanting to understand better, not the attitude of a criminal investigator. You can express your concern about your teen’s friends and listen while he defends them. You can ask him to be aware of behavior you see in his friends that makes you anxious. Avoid making threats, forbidding him to see someone, or raising your voice. If you stay calm and listen respectfully, you’ll learn more.

Here’s the thing: your kids will live in a world populated by their peers. It’s their peers they must connect with. Eventually they will move beyond the family sphere and make their own families and their own lives. They’ve already started this move. There’s nothing you can do to stop it or to keep your teen under your total control.

So keep the lines of communication open. Be supportive of your teen and of her friends without being permissive or trying to be one of the group. Be clear about your expectations. And be patient. The bumpy road you and your teen are on right now will smooth out as she and her friends leave adolescence and become more mature.

Above all, don’t dislike your teen’s friends. Disliking his friends means you dislike him. That’s how he sees it.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.