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Rachel Macy Stafford is a New York Times bestselling author of “Hands Free Mama” and “Hands Free Life.” Her attempts to let go of what doesn’t matter began when her daughters were young and she realized she was missing so much of their lives because she was distracted by email, the phone and outside commitments. She started her journey to become “Hands Free” with ten minutes a day of attempting to stay present and connected. She found that over time her desire for this time increased and her connection to her daughters did as well. 

It used to be that parents were the only ones distracted by the ping of emails, texts, and phone calls. Now that so many kids seem to have smart phones, they too are distracted by the constant “urgent” pull of notifications, SnapChat streaks, and Instagram updates. The more and more electronically “connected” we are to others in cyberspace, the less connected we can become to those in our physical realm. A recent study correlated the rise in depression to the rise in teen social media consumption. The Child-Mind institute says, “Some experts see the rise in depression as evidence that the connections social media users form electronically are less emotionally satisfying, leaving them feeling socially isolated.”

Rachel offers some great suggestions for parents to make sure they are available for connection with their children. One of the key first steps is to create some daily “hands free” time. Are there times you can agree on as a family to not use (or even have available) electronic devices?

Some of the most crucial times for face-to-face connection are:

Stafford recommends putting boundaries around these times and holding that space for genuine connection with those in your presence as opposed to those in your digital world. If we lead by example, our children can follow. We can guide them toward a more genuine connection with others and allow them to exercise their communication muscles in a positive way. 

You may wonder what difference ten minutes can make. It is so easy to brush off a few minutes at a time. But the problem arises when you are busy checking the news while sipping your morning coffee and your daughter walks in to make her breakfast. She doesn’t want to interrupt, so she decides to check her Instagram feed. When you realize you could talk to her for a few minutes before she takes off for school, you look up from the computer to find her nose buried in Instagram. And round and round we go.  So we have to start somewhere. Even if you only make the kitchen a digital free zone, you may find yourself with ample opportunity to catch up with your uber-busy children. The laughter and stories at the dinner table and perhaps even the breakfast table can return. We can be “those parents,” you know, the ones whose kids know they care and desire a relationship with them? Yes. Those parents. It starts with ten minutes a day. 

You’ve probably heard the famous words of St. Francis of Assisi, “For it is in the giving that we receive.” But how do we translate that to real life for our children? 

When we encourage siblings to share with one another, they often do so begrudgingly. When we offer opportunities like a school supply drive or holiday toy donation to our family members, it is usually Mom or Dad footing the bill for the donated items. If we really want our family to reap the rewards of service, we are going to have to put on our work gloves and lead by example.

There is an abundant amount of scientific evidence for the benefits of altruism. There are many examples of how focusing on others not only feels good, but does us good. Of course we all want to feel happier, less depressed, and better able to regulate our own emotions. One way to grow in these areas, is by serving others.  

Depending on the age of your children, there are so many great opportunities to lend a hand. Some investigating and a few phone calls will land you the volunteer opportunity of your dreams, and bond your family in a unique way. 

When considering what type of volunteer work you wish to engage in, you could ask your family members “If you could change one thing in our community, what would it be?” or “What breaks your heart?” Family dinner discussions around these topics will start to peel back the layers of your family onion, where your hearts meet and will have a chance to make a difference. 

Some of the possibilities to serve with your children include:

Chances to do good are all around you. Pick what best suits your family and find a way to give back. You might find that you are the one who reaps some of the rewards. 

Most families feel squeezed by work, school, planned activities, sports practice, and home upkeep. We don’t need fancy research to tell us that getting away from all the hustle and bustle for a few hours is refreshing to the mind, body, and soul. But studies do show nature has many benefits like decreased stress, increased mental energy and creativity, and overall, improved mental health. You may wonder how to fit one more thing in your family’s full schedule. However, if you are prepared, even a couple of hours that might have been spent binge watching a show or cleaning out a closet can turn into a family adventure.

Nature has healing properties. Leaving the stress of work, homework, and a dishwasher that constantly wants to be loaded, frees your brain to relax.  Make time and soak up some fresh air. Taking into account the ages and preferences of your family members, make a short list of places you could go to get outside and enjoy creation. If you have toddlers and preschoolers, where is the closest walking trail with a paved path, shade, and perhaps a water feature? Elementary kids, how about a place you can safely bike and end up at a large playground or ball field? Middle and high schoolers might be attracted to a more strenuous hike that could wind you around to a fun outdoor eatery. 

I don’t know about your family, but in ours, often the most difficult part of the journey is the first step. Getting out the door with all the people and all the equipment seems to take forever. I remember having toddlers and thinking that no one would ever be able to put on their own shoes. Now with teenagers, I often wonder if everyone can just find their shoes! At a family dinner, come up with a plan for where your next family adventure will take place. Decide how long you need to make it happen and what you need to take with you. Will you be riding bikes or scooters and need helmets and the bike rack? Will you stay for a meal and need a picnic blanket, snacks, and a cooler? Most adventures would do well to have a hat, water bottle, and sunscreen for all participants. Can you make a list or have these things in a bag at the ready?

To schedule or not to schedule? That is the question. Again, you know your family best. If you have young ones, just look for an empty spot on the calendar and block it off for “Nature Time.” If your kids make their own plans, you may have to request an uninterrupted time a few weeks out. Mark the time off with their approval, then you can send them text reminders. If it would be more fun, invite some friends to join you. Of course you can just enjoy the outdoors, but if you have family members who want to know the purpose of the trip or who are easily bored, you have options. Planning a scavenger hunt (photos of items work just as well as collecting the items) can be a great way to engage everyone and encourage sibling camaraderie. If you decide to bring phones along, you can have a photography contest of the most interesting find. If your children are younger, come up with a game you can play on your walk or ride. Finding something they see for each letter of the alphabet  is a fun way to help them notice what is around them. You can also do a colors-of-the-rainbow contest to see how many different colors people can notice or photograph. As long as you are breathing in fresh air and enjoying your time together, you have accomplished much. 

 

The school year. The excitement of new notebooks and new pens and colored pencils. The fun of seeing friends after the summer and settling back into a routine. The thrill for parents of micromanaging the details of their child’s homework, sports schedules, play practices, and club meetings. What, you don’t love micromanaging all of this? Where is your helicopter? If the anticipation of the school year keeps you awake at night, we have some ideas for you. What if this year you transition your student to owning his or her homework, grades, and activities? “Seriously?” you ask. “Let Mark remember to bring his practice uniform on soccer days and bring it home to be washed? He might scare off all the ladies with his three day sweat-infused socks. Count on Michaela to pack her backpack the night before so she is on time to homeroom? Without reminding her? Are you kidding?” No. Not kidding. Depending on the age of your son or daughter, it is very likely that you are clinging to some responsibilities that would be better transitioned over to them.

Let’s think about what it looks like to step back so your child steps forward. What is one school responsibility you have been holding onto that your son or daughter could totally manage? Consider these and other possibilities:

Remember, it is not about knowing they can successfully manage their school responsibilities today. It’s about giving them the opportunities to grow into successfully managing them. There will probably be some mistakes and maybe (if needed) some coaching along the way—but that’s part of learning how to step forward on their own with confidence.

As a foster parent, psychotherapist, and expert in family and teen therapy, Amy Morin—author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do—has witnessed first-hand what works: “When children have the skills they need to deal with challenges in their everyday lives, they can flourish socially, emotionally, behaviorally, and academically. With appropriate support, encouragement, and guidance from adults, kids grow stronger and become better.”

Talk with your kids about what they think they can manage themselves. Ask them how they will transition to own this skill. What do they want from you and what can you count on them for? Do they (or you) need a check-off list or chart? If so, ask them to make it. Do they need a reminder? What would a good reminder be (sticky note on the door or mirror, alarm on their phone or automated reminder on the phone, note on the fridge)? Have them set it up and take ownership of it.

Try your best not to nag, remind, helicopter, over-check, or do any of these things while pretending not to. This is letting them learn. Giving them the chance to succeed or fail or fall somewhere in between. It is ok. The stakes are small. This does not go on your permanent record (and even if it does, it is better to have a ding on a school record than to start one with the police). If you set a reasonable timeframe for them to manage this skill, you can have a check-in conversation at the end. If they make a mistake in the middle, refrain from correcting. It’s fine to ask if they need any help, but unless they say “yes,” back away and continue to let them work toward owning this. If they blow it, give them a Mulligan. This is the crux of leading your child on the path toward responsible, unentitled adulthood. They have to try hard things and feel the full brunt of their decisions and actions. They have to feel the feeling of achievement when they succeed without any parental involvement. This is the “high” we want them to feel. This is what we want them to seek more of. You will be amazed when they get going on this and start to take on more and more responsibility without your help in the process.

The rewards for this are monumental. They feel proud of their maturity. You feel proud of their accomplishment. This builds trust and mutual respect for your ongoing relationship. They feel empowered to move on to bigger and better things. You can enjoy the break from feeling responsible for everything. The goal becomes finding new things to move from your plate to theirs. The helicopter has landed.

I am so not ready for this. He’s probably going to screw it up. Maybe not in a huge way. He can recover. It will be a great lesson.

Stop.

Read that again. Does that resonate with you in any area of your tween or teen’s life? If so, she is ready for a new responsibility. What is holding her back? Could it be you?

This exact scenario played out in my mind and caused me to realize that I was keeping my 14-year-old son from learning a valuable skill. He had been babysitting the neighbors’ kids and making a decent amount of money. Every week I would request payment from the dad through Venmo. Depending on how many days he worked and how many hours, I would calculate the amount and send the neighbor a Venmo request. It dawned on me that McGuire should be the one doing this. Not only because it takes my time and is something I don’t enjoy doing, but also because he will be better off if he owns this responsibility.  As Amy Morin, LCSW, writes for Verywell, “Make sure you’re investing time into teaching your teen life skills. Practical skills, like how to do the laundry and how to cook meals, are important. But it’s also essential to make sure your teen knows how to manage his money and understands how to communicate with other people effectively.”

I am scared to death. It is real money. He could blow it. What is the worst thing that could happen? I am here. I can have a period of supervision during which I check and recheck his accuracy. So tomorrow, I’m going to sit down with him and take the next step. We’re going to have a discussion about the gravity of this responsibility, and about his role in keeping up with his hours and requesting money from the neighbor. I’m going to open a Venmo account with him. (According to the Venmo user agreement, you must be 18 in order to have an account. In the case of minors, if a parent is the custodian of their bank account, the parent is actually the Venmo account holder.  So it is still under your oversight until you officially turn it over at 18.) I am going to try not to take the phone away from him while he types in the account number and important information. I can already feel my stomach filling with butterflies. I am going to let him link his savings account with Venmo. Again, I feel terrified.  Godzilla-sized parent fears are circulating everywhere. But I will be strong. I will crush those fears with the knowledge that I am raising a responsible adult. I know he can do this. He will need help and he will have questions. But I know he can do it. And I am going to let him.

What is it that you are holding onto that your teenager could be doing for herself? How can you prepare her for adulthood by taking a step back and allowing her to take a step forward? Now is the time. In every situation of handing over responsibility, it is important to have a discussion about whose responsibility it is and how the transition will occur. Teach your teen how to do what it is you are asking her to do. Let her know she can always ask you questions and come to you for advice.  And even if you are not 100% confident she can handle this responsibility, step back and let her try. You’ll be glad you did.

 

My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.  

My bologna has a second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R.  

Gone are the days of simple bologna on white bread, a Hostess® cupcake and a bag of Fritos®. Rarely do you see paper lunch bags that have been tossed after trading sandwiches with a classmate. Many of today’s school lunches can seem more like a Top Chef contest with parents packing bento boxes and preparing tiny versions of Pinterest-worthy gourmet items. If you could see the lunchroom trash can, you would likely think twice about all this effort. You might also realize that if you have a goal of training your son or daughter to become a well-functioning adult, he will clearly benefit from making his own lunch starting right now. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests on their website, healthychildren.org, “Do Less. Parents need to stop doing things for their teens, like making lunch or running an “emergency” load of wash, that teens can do for themselves.”

Many parents view the process of making school lunches as a kindness offered to their teens and tweens, who spend most of their waking hours either at school, studying, or at an extracurricular activity. However, if we are serious about developing responsibility and gratefulness in the hearts of our students, one way to guide them down that path is to allow them to make their own lunch. Seems like a simple thing, and it is. But many parents started making lunches when their child started kindergarten, and they just haven’t found the right time to stop, despite the fact that their “child” is now a sophomore. There is nothing wrong with making lunch to save your kids time. But if you do it all the time, they miss the opportunity to gain responsibility, as well as the chance to feel genuinely grateful when something is done for them unexpectedly.

If you want to transition this skill to your tween or teen, simply follow these easy steps. First, have a conversation explaining that you are not quitting as a parent. You are, in fact, stepping up your parent game by adding an important skill to your student’s adulting capabilities. Then let her know that you will either buy items she requests for lunch when you go to the store (give her a day and a way to communicate—text message, list on the fridge) or you will give her money to purchase the items she would like each week. Then ask her if she needs any help with ideas or recipes.

The rest is simple. Don’t make their lunch. Hunger is a powerful motivator. They will figure this one out.

One of the great benefits I have found in following this method is that when your teen oversleeps or has a big project due, he is truly grateful when you step in and make his lunch to save time. When you are no longer the “Lunch Lady,” it gives him a chance to see you in a new light and to appreciate how much you do for him. And after his own attempts to make a meal, dinner might suddenly taste all the better as well.  

 

 “Mom, have you seen my jeans with the holes in them?”

“Hey Mom, is my soccer uniform clean?”

“Dad, when you are shopping, can you pick up some more socks for me? I’m running out.”

Back in the throes of potty training, most parents heard friends with older children say, “No one goes to college in diapers.” However, there are many students who leave for college without ever having run the washing machine. According to a study by Mulberry Garment Care, 48.6% of males and 32.4% of females have never done laundry until after their eighteenth birthday. Tell your teens since they want to be above average, you are going to teach them to do their own laundry. This is a chore each person in the family can do on their own, even starting at age nine or ten. With a family of seven, my life became exponentially simpler when I stopped worrying about doing full loads of laundry containing everyone’s clothes and let each person wash their own. With high efficiency washers, we no longer have to worry about wasting water doing this either.

Teaching teens how to do their own laundry will prove worthwhile both now and in the future. It just takes a few simple steps.  

First, when implementing any new idea, it is helpful to have a “why” discussion, pointing out the reasons you are transitioning this task from your plate to your teen’s.  You might mention they know best when they need items like sports uniforms or special apparel for work or school. Therefore, they can plan to have their clothes washed, dried, and ready to go better than you can.  They should know that you have always wanted them to be above average, and that learning this skill puts them in category for kids graduating high school. You might also remind them that your job is to teach them what they need to know to be a successful adult, and this is one important “adulting” step in that direction that they can learn and practice ahead of time. The other two steps are simple.  

Ask them to gather their laundry (I said simple, not easy) and meet you by the washer. Show them how to sort, read labels, and run the machine. The cardinal rule of laundry in our house is “towels by themselves.” This eliminates the dreaded lint ball problem. Point out any dark colored cotton items that might bleed, and mention a word or two about how mixing those with light-colored clothes can turn all their favorite T-shirts or underwear pink. It might be enough to keep them from washing lights and darks together. Then step aside and let them have at it.  

Resist the urge to take this responsibility back. You will be tempted to gather their clothes off the floor or grab their overflowing laundry basket and throw a load in while they are at school. This is counter-productive if your goals for them include independence and maturity. Close their door if you need to, but let them manage this on their own. You (and their future spouse) will be glad you did.

 

Be a parent, not a friend. We’ve all heard this saying countless times. But what does it really mean? And why can’t you be your child’s best friend? Isn’t that a good thing if my child sees me as a friend?

Being a parent, rather than a friend, doesn’t mean that you can’t have a respectful and loving relationship with your child. What it does mean is that you have to be the authoritative figure. Children are not emotionally or developmentally capable of setting boundaries and making good decisions for their own wellbeing. It’s your job to do that, even if it sometimes means that you have to be the “bad guy”.

If you’re always trying to please your child, afraid to set boundaries or enforce rules for fear of upsetting them, you are setting them up for failure and disappointment. The real world just doesn’t work that way. Society, even schools and jobs, are bound by countless rules and boundaries, and they will be enforced, even if your child doesn’t like it.

DO NOT let your child make all of his own decisions. He is not ready for that, and it causes stress. You can provide limited choices, discuss things, get his opinions and input, and then YOU, THE PARENT makes the decision. Whether it is about  which classes to take, summer camp, sports or anything else, YOU ULTIMATELY MAKE THE DECISIONS. Obviously, if your child says they hate baseball but want to play piano, you could probably make that happen. But if they want to take classes that are too hard or too easy, you have to make the judgment.

Many parents think it’s better to let their kids make their own decisions. Not always. As they get older and more mature, it is healthy to gradually give them more decision-making power over their own lives, but very slowly and with guidance. By the time they leave home, you do want them knowing how to make good decisions for themselves. But if you give them too much control too soon, it can cause anxiety and extra stress.

At the end of the day, we all want to have close, loving relationships with our children. And you still can. You just can’t be their best friend. Guide them, teach them, allow them be mad at you for doing what’s best or what’s right.   Eventually, they will become healthy adults who look up to you and respect you and strive to be like you. What more could any parent ask for?

Here are a few reasons why you need to be a parent, not a friend to your children.

  1. Children need rules and boundaries to feel safe, stable and secure. It is your job as a parent to provide security and a stable environment for your child. You are not equals, and it is not a democracy. There is a hierarchy that must be enforced. This is accomplished with love, nurturing, rules and boundaries. You must learn how to be firm, but gentle. Having the structure and security of knowing what is expected and when helps reduce the amount of anxiety a child will feel.
  2. Kids are not developmentally capable of making big decisions. Their brains are literally not developed yet, and specifically the parts of the brain necessary for making big and important decisions. Let’s be real here; young children are still trying to master the basic notion of what is right and what is wrong, and teens struggle daily with how to make good decisions for themselves. Do you really think these very youngsters should be making important decisions or have a lack of rules and boundaries to guide them? They absolutely should not. When you give children tasks they are not ready for, you could be setting them up for failure. It can have a negative impact on their self-esteem.

At the end of the day, we all want to have close, loving relationships with our children. And you still can. You just can’t always be their best friend. Guide them, teach them, and progressively let them make their own choices with the positive or negative consequences that follow. By slowly gaining control, they will eventually learn to make their own healthy choices. But for now, allow them to be mad at you for doing what’s best along the way. Your children will more likely look up to you and respect you for raising them to become responsible adults. What more could any parent ask for?

Imagine a huge hole in the ground with Man A stuck at the bottom unable to escape. Man B walks nearby and hears Man A calling for help. Man B sees Man A at the bottom of the hole. He is so upset that he jumps in the hole with Man A. Now both are upset and both are stuck at the bottom of the hole. Man C walks by and hears both A and B calling for help. Man C tells them he will be back soon. Later, Man C arrives with a ladder.

There is a fine line between sympathy and empathy but learning the difference can make huge changes in your relationship with your child.

My favorite definition: Empathy is understanding the shoes someone else is walking in; sympathy is putting them on as if they belong to you.

Sympathy has its place but is more about the feelings of the sympathizer than the one being sympathized with. Empathy allows a certain detachment from the feelings so the empathizer is better able to help. Man B’s emotions got him stuck in the hole. Man C’s compassion left him able to see what was needed.

My mother was a professional sympathizer. Whenever I expressed having a problem, she responded, “Oh my poor dear. That’s so awful. You don’t really have to do that, do you?” Her sympathy was not helpful. As a matter of fact, I stopped sharing my problems with her, because I never got that she understood and then I had her feelings to deal with as well as my own problem.

When we sympathize with our children, we often cross a boundary and become enmeshed with our child’s problem. We may become overly protective and involved and try hard to fix or take away our child’s problem.

Let’s say my child is having a problem with a classmate calling him names. When I sympathize, I get upset, resentful, or angry toward the name-caller and can lose sight of what my child needs. I then might make it my problem and call the teacher or offending child’s parent, getting angry and demanding restitution.

If I empathize with my child’s problem, I understand why he is upset, yet I am somewhat disengaged from the problem. I may be upset about the situation but more important is letting my child know that I understand his upset, so his feelings are normalized (empathy). “It’s got to be so hard when you hear that name. It must feel as if he’s putting you down.” Then it’s about my child-he can agree with my assumption or correct it. Conversation typically follows empathy, not so much with sympathy.

When I get equally upset about the problem (sympathy), I take responsibility and am more likely to tell him what to do about it-it’s more about me and my “rightness”, my idea of what he should do. “You need to tell him that you don’t like to be talked to like that. Ask him how he would feel if he got called that. Tell him you won’t invite him to your party if he’s going to treat you like that.” It’s me projecting myself into the situation and telling my child to fix it like I would.

When I empathize, I understand it is my child’s problem, and when I don’t try to fix it, I am much better able to help him figure out what he wants to do about it. Once he trusts that I know how he feels (empathy), I can then ask questions and offer suggestions that help him take charge of his problem the way he thinks best.

“What would you like to do about it?”

“Is there something you wish you could say to him?”

“What is it you want him to know?”

“How might you do that?”

Having good boundaries with your children means helping them take responsibility for their problems and find good solutions that work for them, not you. When I jump in the hole with my child because I feel his pain, I am not in the best position to help. I now expect my child to appreciate the sacrifice I have made to jump in the hole with him. When I leave my child with his pain to get the ladder, I bring him a tool to help him solve his own problem–with my support.