Parenting Coach Katie Malinski LCSW role plays with Kate Raidt the most effective way to communicate with your kids.

Would you like to communicate better with your children? Parenting Coach Katie Malinski LCSW role plays with Kate Raidt the basic rules for good communication with your kids.

Does your teenager speak disrespectfully to you? Parenting Coach Katie Malinski LCSW role plays with Kate Raidt how to handle a defiant or disrespectful teenager.

Talking to kids about sex can be a nerve-racking experience for any parent. Parenting Coach Katie Malinski LCSW role plays with Kate Raidt how to effectively talk to your kids about sex…today!

Do you find it tough talking to your teenager? Would you like to be able to talk to your teen about the good, bad and ugly without getting push back or rolled eyes? Parenting coach, Katie Malinski LCSW, role plays the most effective way to communicate with your teenager.

When your child was born, you might have looked forward to teaching her to ride a bike or introducing him to your favorite movies or teaching her to play your favorite sport. You probably didn’t eagerly anticipate talking with your child about sex.

Many of us don’t have a good model for such a conversation. Not many of our parents did a super job of talking about sex with us. In fact, when we think about teaching our kids about sex we most often either have absolutely nothing to go on or we have memories of really uncomfortable conversations that ended just about as quickly as they began.

But talking with children about sex is more important than ever. Sexual imagery is all around us and is included in much of the media even small kids enjoy. Reserving a talk about the birds and the bees to just a film viewed in the fourth grade is not enough these days. If you’re a responsible parent, you’ve got to step up.

Our False Excuses

Some of the excuses we make to avoid talking to children about sex are just that: excuses. And not only that, our excuses are wrong.

• Knowledge does not lead to action. Children who know the facts about sex are not more likely than other kids to experiment with sex. There is no evidence to support this notion. But not telling your children about sex puts them at risk for believing the misinformation they pick up from their friends.
• Not telling doesn’t keep kids in the dark. Children whose parents don’t fill them in about sex are not uninformed. Kids are curious. Sex is everywhere. If children don’t think you will tell them what they want to know, they’ll find someone who will. Not telling your kids won’t keep them from finding out.
• If children ask, they’re not too young to know. Three-year-olds who are about to welcome a new brother or sister into the family quite rightly want to know how this baby got where it is and how it will get out. They are not too young to know if they’re old enough to ask. Again, by not telling our kids – at any age – we leave them vulnerable to wrong information. As parents, we are handing the responsibility for sharing this vital information to unidentified others.

So if we take on this responsibility – in the same way we tell our kids about how to cross the street and why it’s important to not eat too much sugar – then how do we do that? Here are some thoughts.

How To Talk About Sex

Start early. By the time your little person is ready to head out into the big world – by kindergarten, in other words – he or she should know “the basics.”  Kids this age should know the correct names for genitals of both sexes and should know how babies are made. They should know that their private parts are indeed private and cannot be touched without their permission. If your child is older than five and you haven’t shared this information, the time to do so is now. By the time your child is nine, he or she – both sexes – should know about menstruation.

Answer questions honestly. This doesn’t mean you have to share everything you know, but it does mean that you won’t tell stories or pretty things up. If your child is going to continue to ask you questions on into his adolescence, you have to demonstrate now that your information can be trusted. Sincere questions deserve sincere answers. (And remember that young kids will think the information you share is very interesting, but not embarrassing. This is another reason to start these conversations early… they are much less awkward when kids are young.)

Make this a conversation, not a lecture. Think of your conversations about sex as multiple events – this is something you’ll talk about on and off for a long time. So “the talk” is not a one-time lecture, packed with every sort of fact. It’s a conversation that’s suited to the child’s age and ability to understand. When your child asks a question, you will answer that simply – in one sentence – and then wait to see if she asks a follow-up question. Or you’ll wait a moment, then add in another bit that fits with what you just said. Later, or tomorrow, or next week or next month, she’ll ask more questions or you’ll bring this up once again.

Be a friendly resource, not someone who communicates shame, suspicion, and evasion. Any conversation about sex will also communicate your values about family, honesty, and love.

Treat your child with respect. Never laugh at him, never tell him he’s too young to know, never tell him to go ask someone else. He’s chosen you. He asked you. Remember, if you want your teenager to tell you what’s going on in his life – including his sex life – then you must build your reputation now, when he’s little.

Teaching children  about sex shouldn’t be left to chance. By putting this off, parents risk their kids learning all sorts of things, without the filter of parental values. Open the door to honest conversations about sex right now.

Whenever you are setting rules with your children you can use this rule of thumb.

Every rule you make should fall into one of these 3 general rules:

• Respect Yourself
• Respect Others
• Respect Property

If your rules do not fall into one of these categories, they are likely to be arbitrary and may seem unfair or illogical to your children, hence will not be followed without a power struggle.

For example: No hitting falls under both rules of Respecting Self and Others. Doing chores or jobs around the house comes under Respecting Others (and Property) as does no throwing in the house or no kicking the dog.

However, homework must be done before any gaming time is tricky. It isn’t about respect as much as it is about obedience, which children don’t do well with. Homework time is more of scheduling issue. Be sure not to send the message that you have to do homework when I say so because I don’t trust you. It always backfires when a child feels he has to prove himself to his parent.

To make a homework rule effective you want to insure that it follows the “respect yourself” rule, which means that homework time should be considered mostly by your child with your help and involvement. He must have the right to decide what his needs are after school hours. In other words, if you insist on homework being done first thing after school (so it’s out of your hair and you don’t have to worry about it), that is being disrespectful of your child’s needs. He may need to chill out for a while after a long day at school and have an hour of video gaming or playing outside or whatever before homework, which he might rather do after dinner.

Respecting Yourself means that you can say, “I am available for help and questions at these times only”. And then let him consider that when he is choosing when to do it.

Bedtime, teeth care, physical hygiene might be easier managed if you are clear about them coming under the Respect Yourself rule. Then be sure that you don’t expect your child to understand the importance of self-care until she is much older. Some rules must be parent-set when the child is too young to know what is needed to care for and respect her body.

This is when I suggest calling on the Parent Card. This is a good example of you being respectful of your child. “I don’t expect that you will know and understand how much sleep you need to be healthy and strong (the importance of brushing your teeth…maintaining a clean body). That’s what I’m for. It’s a parent’s job to make sure that things you don’t or care about yet get done.” Then respect for your child shows up by giving some choices about how these things get done. “What song shall we sing for marching up the stairs tonight?” “Do you want to brush your teeth or get in pajamas first?” “Shall we read 2 long books, or 3 short ones tonight?” “Which 3 days of the week do you want to take your shower? Morning or evening?”

We must never forget the importance of modeling respect for our children, for their desires and ways of looking at things. In order to respect our children, it is imperative that parents have an understanding of the developmental needs and wants of their children at different ages as well as their specific temperamental needs.

Getting angry at a 2 ½ year old for grabbing a toy away from another child and expecting him to apologize is being disrespectful to him. Expecting a 13 year old to understand and care more about you and your needs than her own will lead you right into disrespect. We quickly label a child as disrespectful of us when we don’t even enter their minds.

Rather than disrespect, it is far more likely that the child is focused so intently on what she thinks she looks like or what someone at school said to her yesterday than what you asked her to do for you. That doesn’t mean let it go because of the general rule of Respecting Others. But it does mean that as a parent, you can show her respect by understanding that she is NOT showing disrespect. She is merely being normally egocentric and needs reminders of what is being asked of her—without tones of disapproval and disappointment.

Respecting our children goes miles toward gaining their consideration and appreciation, not to mention their respect of others needs and rights as they grow. We just need to know how to set our expectations in a way that is respectful of their stage of development and individual temperament.

You wouldn’t ask a child in a wheelchair to run upstairs and get your sweater. Likewise, you should not expect the same of a child who is experiencing fear of being alone without a good deal of help, even when your other younger child can do it without missing a beat.

We can set limits, problem solve in order to hold our children accountable for their unacceptable behavior, and express our anger all with full respect and consideration of our children. Take the rest of today and watch yourself communicating with your child. Ask, Am I being respectful? with everything you say. Ask, How would I like hearing what I’m saying right now?

For information on development, anything from the Gesell Institute is a good resource. Ilg and Ames write books for each age, Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old on up through the teen years.

For temperament, the best is Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s Raising Your Spirited Child, whether your child is spirited or not. She helps you understand your own temperament as well.

If you’re like me, you’re a parent who has little tolerance for a child who talks back. When my children say something disrespectful, I usually deal with it immediately. At the same time, my children haven’t yet hit the notorious teen years. When children reach the teen stage, it’s important for parents to understand that they must loosen the grip on certain rules so that they allow a certain level of independence in their children. Should teenagers be able to talk back to their parents? In short, it depends. Keep reading and I’ll explain what I mean.

Nastiness or abusive language is never okay

If your teenager curses at you or makes nasty comments to your face, you have to send a clear message that this behavior is not okay. Simply put, if you give a teenager an inch, they will take miles and miles. If your teen curses at you, do not overreact emotionally. That is the number one mistake parents make with kids of any age: getting emotional in their reaction. When a child sees you lose your cool, your child comes to believe that you are not strong enough to manage them. It helps if parents view the teen’s acting out behavior through a lens of empathy. Teens have a lot of adult-like social situations they must manage: school and sports demands, conflicts with friends, and budding or ending romantic relationships. Teens have little life experience, so they don’t know how to manage these situations smoothly. Because your teen is probably dealing with a lot of different issues, give them some slack.

State the specific rules and the consequences for breaking the rules

Discuss the rules about which behaviors are okay and not okay so that you and your child have no confusion. Tell your child, “It’s okay if you get angry, but there are rules about expressing anger. You can’t just say whatever crosses your mind, just like I can’t say whatever crosses mine.” Be clear about how to express anger in a healthy way. Say, “When you do get angry at me, the first rule is that it’s never okay to call me names, and I will give you that same respect, no matter how angry I am. Calling me curse words will result in the following punishment, and there is no negotiating that rule. [You decide the consequence that fits: turning off their phone for the week or grounding them for one day of the weekend, for example).

Give your teen a sense of control by asking for their opinion

I am by no means an amazing parent; I think I’m a decent parent and I take pride in the fact that I am always trying harder to become a better parent and to think more about my child’s – and not my own – feelings. One positive behavior that I practice with my kids that I am proud of is that I try to have at least one family meeting per month, and I ask for their opinion when we are dealing with an issue. You may do this already, but if not, this practice works well with teens who are at a stage in life where they need to feel heard and they need to feel as if they have some control over their own life. If your teen does something problematic, sit down with them and ask, “If you were the parent, what would you do?” Your teen may come up with a terrific answer, suggesting that they would understand and blow it off. Take this opportunity to focus on the future. Say, “I could blow it off now, but what kind of parent would I be if I signed off on that behavior? The purpose of parenting is to teach kids how to be when their adults, when they have to make all their own decisions. If you did something like this at your job when you’re an adult, you would be disciplined or could even lose your job. That is what I need you to understand better: I am teaching you rules that you need to be successful in life.”

Overall, parenting teens can be frustrating but it doesn’t have to be constantly upsetting or frustrating. Keep the rules clear and focus your feedback on guidance rather than lectures or punishment. Finally, always remember to try to keep an alliance – and not a foe vs. foe dynamic – that will keep you bonded in a good way for years to come.

Parents sometimes think that they can wait for the “Big Talk” about puberty and sex until their children are 12 or older. Experts say that’s not the healthy choice.  Children learn the information better, and ultimately make healthier choices when their parents start early talking about these topics, and do so many, many times.  Your best goal is to create the kind of relationship with your child where you can talk about this just as you can talk about anything.  So look for ways to have lots of little conversations about puberty—and use these tips to help make the most of your conversations.

5 TIPS FOR TALKING WITH YOUR KIDS ABOUT PUBERTY

1. Make sure you are relatively up to date on the facts. Did you know the average age for girls to start the pubertal process is 10.5?  Boys, on average, start at 11.5. The first changes happen in the brain (hormones,) but do you know the first physical signs? There are many good resources for information, here is one online source: http://tinyurl.com/8ff64av
2. Remind yourself that puberty is normal, natural, and good.  Try very hard to convey that attitude to your child while talking about this topic.  No shame, no grossness, no embarrassment—it’s a natural part of life that everyone goes through.
3. Practice saying some of these sticky things ahead of time.  Stand alone in front of the mirror and say things like “penis, vulva, menstrual fluid, blood, breasts, ejaculation.”  If it makes you uncomfortable just to read those words, trust me it will be much harder to say them to your child—but you really need to be able to! Practice until you can do so fairly naturally.
4. Purchase a book for your child to keep in their room, so that they can access the information privately whenever they want to.  Here is a book I like a lot, for both boys and girls: http://tinyurl.com/8s4jbxj
5. Look for talkable/teachable moments.  Sometimes life hands you a golden invitation to talk—take advantage!  Perhaps a scene in a TV show has sexual content—press pause or ask a question during the commercial.  Start a conversation about what you both just saw.  Or, perhaps another kid during carpool says something that makes your ears perk up.  Take advantage of your great opportunity to listen and collect data, and then circle back later to follow up with your child privately.

But most importantly, remember that the most important thing is to focus on the parent-child relationship.  Make talking about bodies, puberty, and sex just one more healthy part of your nurturing, connected, consistent, and communicative relationship.