Many feel that we are raising a generation of entitled children worse than ever before.  We give constant praise for mediocrity and fear damaging our children’s self-esteem if we are honest.  But have we gone too far?

Last week, one of my friends wrote on Facebook “my son just received a trophy for participating in a chess tournament that he didn’t participate in because he was sick”.  One reply said, “Next time, they will hand you a trophy when you sign up”.  This was my sentiment exactly.  What on earth were they thinking?  What message does this send our children?  I see only two possibilities: 1) they think they’re wonderful and great and are proud of themselves, even when it’s not indicated, or 2) they realize everyone who signs up gets a trophy, and therefore realize that it is completely meaningless.

Why are we so afraid to let our children fail sometimes, perhaps not be the best at everything?  In the real world, everyone has strengths and weaknesses, are good at some things and not at others.  This is NORMAL.  In my humble opinion, we are doing more damage than good.  Praise when praise is appropriate, for a job well done or even for a great effort.  But don’t tell your child that they’re good at everything, and it’s okay to tell them the truth when they’re not.  Nobody is the best at everything, and everyone needs to know how to face disappointment sometimes.

My son happens to be a great soccer player.  He plays on a competitive team, which is difficult to get chosen for.  But he’s not the best player on his team, and I make sure he knows it.  I think this motivates him.  I praise him when he plays well, makes a good play, has a great game, and the like, but I also let him know when he isn’t doing his best.  I recently said to him after a practice, “What happened today?  You didn’t look so good doing that drill.  I think you need to practice that.”  He replied, “Stop it, Mom, that makes me feel bad.”  I then said, “Oh, I don’t mean to make you feel bad, rather I’m hoping you will work harder.  But you don’t really want me to be that mom who tells you that you look great all the time, even when you really don’t, do you?”  And I was so proud when he said, “No”.

Here are a few tips to help ensure your kids won’t feel entitled:

1)   Praise only when praise is deserved, when your child has done something above and beyond the expectations, or something extremely challenging for them

2)   Be kindly honest when your child has fallen short or needs to work harder

3)   Point out BOTH your child’s strengths AND weaknesses regularly

4)   Don’t interfere with coaches and teachers.  Let your child sit on the bench, if that’s what the coach wants, or play a different position than where you’d like to see him.  Let your child get the grade he earned.

5)   Don’t give your child everything he/she wants.  Make them wait for a special occasion, earn it with chores, or by saving their own money

Parenting: The act of raising children. Books and advice are found everywhere you turn, as if people haven’t been doing this parenting thing since the start of time. So I am here to really simplify, down to the bare basics of what it really means to be a good parent.

1. First of all, you need to be a good enough parent. Not a great parent, not a perfect parent, not a better-than-so-and-so parent. If you accept this right off the bat, you are already worlds ahead of many other parents out there. There is so much competition out there these days, that if you allow yourself to get caught up in it, or in the latest trends, you do both yourself and your children a disservice. A good-enough parent knows the difference between needs and wants, and makes sure their children have everything the need. Try to also give them some of what they want. But not all of what they want. Nobody likes a spoiled and bratty kid.

2. Accept that you likely have no idea what you’re doing. Really. Most of us don’t, and the rest of you are lying. We are all just winging and trying our best to do the right thing. And that’s good enough. We all know the parents that make sure to tell you why what they’re doing is the “right” or “better” way to do something. And they’re full of bologna. Every parent will do what they feel is best for their own children. And this will and should look different in every family. Wouldn’t it be boring if everyone did the same things? We are all different, our children have different personalities and temperaments, and our families all have different circumstances. Even children within the same family often require different treatment. So, I will repeat, just do your best.

3. You are not expected to have all the answers. Grown-ups are just kids that grew up. There was no induction into adulthood, no certificate to earn before becoming a parent. There is no parenting handbook, no one place to seek all the answers. Knowing that you don’t know everything is a humble place to start. It allows you to ask questions and to ask for help when you need it. Often times, as parents, the answers come from trial and error. We might think we know the right thing to do or say, and it backfires horrible. So then we try something different. And again and again until we get it right.

4. It is possible to love your children and also hate them sometimes. Especially when they are 14. Trust me. It does not make you a bad parent. It just makes you human. Children have a special way of knowing how to push your buttons, and they will do it often. Sometimes, you will be able to brush it off and ignore it. Other times, it will really get to you and you will get angry and frustrated and will wonder why you ever had kids in the first place. And then it will pass.

5. Let your child know and see that you are human. Humans have a wide range of emotions. Don’t try to hide them from you children. Try to express your emotions in healthy ways so that your children are not afraid of their own emotions, whatever they might be. We’ve all seen our parents happy. But did you ever see your parents cry? Ever hear them argue and then make up or solve a problem? Your kids need to see you experience all different kinds of emotions and experiences and watch how you express them and deal with them. Whether the feelings are of glee and joy, to anger and frustration, it is all within the normal range of human feelings. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are real. Give them the gift of knowing how to navigate this by demonstrating yours appropriately.

My husband and I were taking a walk with our 21 month old grandson. For a short distance we needed to walk in the road.

“Hold my hand Sam. You have to hold my hand in the road.”

At first he did and then he had a different idea and pulled his hand away. I said, “Sam you have to hold my hand.”

He did not want to comply. So I picked him up as he was working hard to wriggle away from me and said,

“Sam you have to hold a hand in the road. You can hold Poppy’s hand or my hand, which do you choose?”

He stopped wriggling. I could see he was thinking. He then reached for Poppy and happily took his hand. Then he reached up for mine. For the rest of our walk he wanted to hold both our hands.

This is problem solving. Quite simple when you understand the principle. But impossible when you are stuck in the old mindset.

It worked because Sam wasn’t being forced to do something he didn’t want to do—and I got what I wanted. In other words, it worked for both of us—the #1 rule of problem solving.

When this kind of communication begins early in a child’s life, problem solving becomes second nature. You don’t even realize you’re doing it. When children trust that what they care about is important to you, even when you highly disagree, they are willing to listen to rules because they know nothing punitive or threatening is involved, and they will come out okay. No need to worry about getting in trouble, which keeps the child’s focus entirely on herself—the opposite of what you are trying to teach.

As children get older, problem solving gets more complex. If you have been parenting in the punitive mindset, believing that your child is being defiant and bad, switching to problem solving first requires a shift in your perception and then building trust so your child knows you are willing to see things differently. If she expects you will yell, take away her iPod, or disrespect her with degrading words, she will get quite clever at becoming parent deaf and defy everything in anticipation of attack.

In my scenario with Sam, my old mindset tells me,

Sam’s being defiant and disobedient. He’s not listening.

This of course provokes my anger toward Sam, which leads to my reactivity—control, domination—grabbing his hand with force and using a hard tone,

“You will hold my hand or we’re going back in the house! Don’t you even try to get away. It’s not safe. You have to do what I tell you.”

This works against his agenda and will most likely lead to a power struggle in which I have to fight to win (meaning he has to lose). He will begin to distrust me. Of course it’s not safe. Of course he has to hold my hand. But I can give him a way to comply with my wish without forcing his will and making him think he’s bad.

I need to understand that he’s not doing what he is doing on purpose to defy me. He’s doing what he wants. When I take it personally, I get my buttons pushed, and I react.

When I shift from assuming that he needs to be taught a lesson and listen to me, to understanding that he wants what he wants when he wants it—that’s his job, my mindset thinks,

Of course he doesn’t want to do what I’m telling him. He has another agenda.

When I think that way, I remain calm because he is behaving the way I expect him to. Therefore I can stay firm with my rule, mean what I say, yet do so without anger and blame and most likely gain a cooperative child.

It’s called the parenting happiness gap, and it means that having kids makes you significantly less happy compared to people who don’t have kids. New research to be published in the American Journal of Sociology shows that American parents show the largest gap (13%) in a group of 22 developed countries. Every other country had smaller gaps, and some, including Russia, France, Finland, Sweden, Norway, Spain, Hungary, and Portugal, actually showed happiness gains for parents.

Now, some of this likely has to do with benefits, such as paid leave, more vacation time, free child care, etc. But on a larger scale, perhaps there is a bigger problem. Maybe, just maybe, we are doing this parenting thing all wrong. After all, I don’t remember hearing that my parents or grandparents were less happy after having children. Is it possible that this generation of parents have lost touch with what parenting really means?

As both a parent and a therapist, I am confronted almost daily with the absurdity of parenting today. It’s not supposed to be that hard to figure out. Really. Love your children, talk to your children, teach them right from wrong, and show them how to be independent. That’s it. Where does it say that your child has to be happy all the time? Where does it say they’re supposed to always like you? Where does it say you should sacrifice your happiness for theirs?

As a matter of fact, those are dangerous errors to make.

Recently, as a group of teenaged boys were trying to make plans, it became evident to me, as a parent, that the plan just wasn’t going to fit in with my plans for the night. I was unable to pick the boys up at the time and place that was necessary, as were all of the other parents. So, to me, it was a no-brainer…they don’t go. Imagine my shock and display when another parent told me she’d cut her plans short to pick up the boys. She further went on to explain that her husband doesn’t like to say no to the boys, as he wants them to “be happy”. What he is really saying, is that he is willing to sacrifice his date night with his wife, and ultimately his marriage, so his kids will be happy. This is an injustice to the priority of his marriage, and sends horrible messages on so many levels to his wife, his children, and society.

Just months ago, I was talking to a parent at my son’s school. She told me that she has 3 kids, each attending a different private school. When I told her she was crazy, her response was “Yes, but my kids are happy”. I’m sorry, but when did making our kids happy become the number one priority? I hear so many complaints about youth today feeling entitled and being narcissistic. It starts with how we are raising them. We need to take a long, hard look in the mirror.

I wish these were isolated incidents. But, I can honestly say that I hear something appalling like this daily. From parents failing to recognize or discipline when their child has done something wrong, to the way we put our children’s happiness above our own, I am not at all surprised by this latest research. But, it doesn’t have to be this way. Take back the joy and happiness of parenting by remembering what and why you signed up for this in the first place. Here are some guidelines to help you:

1. Value your marriage above all else. Make sure your partner knows how special they are, and don’t put your kids wants ahead of your relationship needs.
2. Always remember that you are setting an example and teaching your kids how to have a relationship and how to parent through your actions. Don’t make so many sacrifices that you feel resentful for having kids.
3. Let your child be bored sometimes. You do not need to constantly entertain. They will figure out how to have fun, and creativity almost always buds from boredom.
4. Make decisions that are best for the entire family, and don’t worry so much if your child is happy with every decision. He will be ok. Even better, he won’t be an entitled brat who thinks he rules the world and gets to have everything his way. Learning how to handle disappointment is an important life skill.
5. Expect your child to do chores. Pay him, don’t pay him, whatever…the goal here is for him to understand that he needs to contribute to the family, that everything is not done for him, and for him to actually learn how to do the things he will need to do on his own when he leaves home.
6. Do not buy your child nicer and more expensive items than you have. As a matter of fact, with the exception of a special occasion, kids really shouldn’t be given expensive items. You work hard for your money. Buy yourself something nice once in a while.
7. Discipline your children. Don’t worry, they’re not supposed to like you all the time. Stop worrying about upsetting them. It’s your job.
8. Take time for yourself. Indulge in a spa day, a trip, or whatever. In other words, do some things that are just about Having kids a big part of who you’ve become, but it’s not your entire life.

Keep these tips in minds, and having kids doesn’t have to lower your happiness. As a matter of fact, kids that are raised this way will bring you a lot of joy and happiness. Get your priorities straight and enjoy your life with kids! They will be grown up and gone before you know it.

Which is more important, emotional well-being or academic excellence? Which do you value more for your teen? How can you strike the balance between health and success? These are all complicated questions. Much of it depends on your values and beliefs, as well as the individual needs of each child. Every family and even child is different. Here are some practical guidelines for assessing your family’s needs and ensuring that your child maintains emotional health.

It is stressful being a teen. Just by definition, before we even consider other factors, it is just plain hard being a teenager. Hormones, social issues, acne, changing bodies, moodiness, teachers, parents, sports, homework…it’s a lot. Now, let’s add SAT’s and ACT’s and college applications, AP classes, pressure to get good grades…it can be enough to send some kids off the deep end. Here is where it is important to know your child.

Some kids thrive on stress, and actually perform better when under some amount stress. These kids are largely self-motivated and tend to put the pressure on themselves. They push themselves to take difficult classes and have ambitious goals. As long as it is coming from them and they seem to be able to handle it, there is no problem here.

But, when the pressure is coming from you, the parents, rather than from the teen themselves, now there is a potential problem. Some kids cannot function under stress. They literally cannot function. Your desire for them to take certain classes and a certain path to attend a certain college is a detriment to their own success. While you might think you are helping to scoot your child along the way, you are actually obstructing their own path, as well as their health and happiness.

Most kids desire to go to college. And most of them will attain that goal, one way or another. There are a lot of different colleges here in the United States, and a lot of paths to lead you there. Not everyone is cut out to start in a 4 year university. Not everyone can handle the stress and anxiety of the SAT or ACT. Some kids are ready to leave home and are very independent. Some kids benefit from staying close to home and attending junior college first.

Now, ask yourself if your family values academics over mental health. What messages are you sending your child about what really matters to you and what your family’s values are? Can you recognize how each of your children are different, and therefore each has different needs, goals, and desires? Does your child know that you value their well-being above all else? Or do you inadvertently send the message that he isn’t good enough if he doesn’t take AP’s and get all A’s?

Here is what your child really needs from you. He needs to know that you have confidence in him. He needs to feel understood and valued for his unique character, talents, and desires. He needs to feel supported in his efforts and goals to reach these desires. He needs to know that, even if he has chosen a path different from that which you would like. He needs to know you are there to help him when he asks, but not to force your beliefs and desires upon him. And he needs, above all else, to know that you value his well-being above any sort of achievement or accomplishment.

This all sounds like common sense, right? But, really, as parents, it is not so easy. We all want our children to succeed, and we all have our own ideas of what that looks like. It is easy to get all wrapped up in appearances and prestige and competitiveness to the point that we fail our own children in unimaginable ways. This idea that Tommy needs to do better than Joey, or that Cindy go to a better school than Sophia is ridiculous. Why not just accept and support each other along each child’s own unique path?

Success does not come from attaining certain grades, or even attending a certain university. Success is more about the individual, their traits, qualities and characters. As a matter of fact, recent studies show that employers are less interested in GPAs and where you attended school. They are looking at your character, civic duties and employment commitments. They want to hire a good person, not a good resume. What is being called “21st Century Skills” has replaced formerly popular notions of pathways to success. These skills entail creativity, collaboration, communication, social skills, media and technology literacy.

Most importantly, as a parent, you have an obligation to make sure your children are okay. Whatever path they choose, and whatever path you want them to take, pay attention to the following, and they will be okay.

• Watch for signs of excessive stress. This can look like extreme anxiety, sleeplessness, inability to concentrate or get things done. If you notice these signs, discuss with your child ways to reduce the stress.
• Look out for depression and/or drug use: declining grades, withdrawal, sadness, anger. Ask questions and seek help immediately if needed.
• Listen to your teen. Support their own desires and goals, whatever they may be. Do not try to live vicariously through them.
• Try to remember what this time was like in your own life. Remember that teens are trying to figure out how to forge their own way in the world and separate from you. Help them accomplish this in a supportive way.
• Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in what others kids and families are doing. You are not them, and your child is not their child. Do what is best for your child, and your family.
• Remember that what it really takes to succeed these days is far more than anything you will ever learn in AP Calculus.
• Value the uniqueness that is your child. Reiterate, every chance you get, that you love your child and that their well-being matters to you more than anything else in the entire world. And mean it.

Parents of teenagers seem to have one question that I hear over and over again, both from friends and professionally: How much freedom should I give my teen? Unfortunately, there is no one right answer, and not an easy question to answer at all.

By definition, teens are trying to separate their identities from yours and define who they are as individuals. Their peer group becomes all important, and the family less and less. The sometimes scary reality is that in just a few short years, they will be off to college and essentially on their own, making most of their own decisions about what to do and when. If they go away having had no experience with freedom, you will have a disaster on your hands.

You must give some freedoms and increase them over time, so that when your child leaves home, he is prepared. The best answer to how much and when is really is that it depends. It depends on many factors, from your own personal values and comfort level to the traits and behaviors of the teens themselves. I will demonstrate some different and most common scenarios with some advice on how to handle each.

Example 1: Your child is very independent and self-motivated. He comes home from school, does his homework, studies and does well on tests. He picks up his clothes and takes out the trash without being nagged or reminded. He’s never really gotten in trouble at school or anywhere else, and he has chosen friends that your believe are “good kids”. He has typically displayed good judgement when faced with decisions. He doesn’t give you much attitude or back talk, and does what is asked and expected of him at least most of the time

If this is your child, you are truly one of the luckiest parents in the world. Give your teen as much freedom as you feel comfortable with. He seems trustworthy enough to go out with his friends and not get into trouble. He doesn’t need you micro-managing everything he does, so minimal interference is appropriate as long as his behavior stays on par.

Of course, respectful boundaries and communication are in order. He must let you know where he is going, with whom, when to expect him back, tell you when he’s running late, etc.

Example 2:   Your teenager is somewhat dysfunctional when it comes to managing his own life. He needs constant reminding and oversight with his homework and studying. His grades are mediocre, he sometimes misses assignments, and doesn’t seem all that concerned about it. He often forgets necessary materials and often loses things. He loses track of time, needs to be asked multiple times to do the things he’s supposed to do, and often gives you attitude or back talk. His friends can be pretty obnoxious, and he’s been in some minimal trouble at school or other places before.

A dilemma comes into play here. As a normal teenager, he still wants to separate from you and do his own thing, and he does need to learn how. The problem is that he’s not really there yet. And this will frustrate him. So you give a little, with a lot of boundaries, and constantly discuss how he can earn more freedoms by showing you the ways in which he is ready for that, such as being respectful, doing the things he’s supposed to do, etc.

When you let him do something, make sure you know everything you need to know to feel comfortable: who, what, where, when, and why. Discuss how he is getting there and how he is getting home, and at what time. Let him know what your expectations are, and if he violates them, you take a step back on the freedom. On the other hand, if he does a good job repeatedly, honor that by giving even a bit more freedom.

Example 3: Your teen is completely disrespectful of nearly all authority and boundaries. He consistently violates rules and frequently gets himself into trouble. He doesn’t help around the house, rarely does what is asked, and doesn’t get good grades. You don’t like his friends and they’re into some pretty bad stuff, like drugs or alcohol.

You’ve got your work cut out for you. First of all, I would recommend some professional help, starting with you. You need to learn how to set boundaries and have authority over your teen so he doesn’t become completely out of control and end up in jail. He may benefit from counseling, as there may be underlying issues with anxiety, depression, ADHD, etc.

While your teen likely believes he is an independent and mature individual who can make all his own decisions, he clearly is not. None of the behaviors described above are demonstrations of independence or maturity. Reel in the freedoms and privileges until significant changes are made. If none are made, let this kid go out into the world as soon as he turns 18 and he will quickly figure out that he has a lot a maturing to do.

Honestly, as harsh as that sounds, it can sometimes be a gift. Stop giving them money, stop doing things for them, and watch as they grow up quickly. I’ve seen it a million times, it’s either sink or swim. Usually, after struggling with an adjustment period, they end up swimming.

If you have a more typical teen, one that teeters between example 1 and example 2, just give out freedoms based on what you see. Freedoms can be given and taken away based on current behaviors and circumstances. But the reality is, they must be given. And it is likely that your child will mess up some of the time. Talk about this, and use these moments for learning and as opportunities for growth.

Try to remember what it is like to be a teenager, thinking you’re all grown up, but still dependent on your parents. Take a breath, engage every ounce of patience you have in you, and move forward. With your hard work and due diligence, you will raise your kids to become successful and productive adults.

Parenting a child doesn’t come with a handbook called “How to Parent”. Disciplining children is one of the most exhausting and overwhelming things you will ever to do. And since you are human, sometimes it is just too much, and you will get angry and lose it. It happens to all of us. But parenting when you’re angry is never a good idea. Haven’t you ever noticed that the more intense your anger gets, the worse your children’s behavior becomes? They react to the angry parent.

Children know how to push our buttons, which is precisely why it’s incredibly important to learn how to manage your anger. Here are 7 Anger Management Techniques to think about with child discipline:

1. Give yourself a break. You are human, and therefore experience a wide range of emotions, even towards your own kids. One of those feelings sometimes is anger. It’s ok.
2. Try, try, try not to take the bait. Your child will undoubtedly throw out some zinger comment that he knows will get you riled up. Don’t let it…if you do, he will know that he has control over you and will continue this behavior endlessly.
3. That means take a step a back. Sometimes we’ve taken the bait before we even realize it’s happened. So stop…take a deep breath, and reassess what is going on. Walk away if you need to. Sometimes it is necessary so that things don’t continue to escalate. Come back when you feel calm and collected.
4. Use your words to communicate clearly what is going on. For example, “I’m very angry right now. I’ve asked you three times to put your toys away, and you haven’t done it. It’s very frustrating for me when I have to say things over and over before you listen. And when I’m angry and frustrated, I tend to yell.”
5. Take better care of yourself. When you are tired, stressed, and hungry, your patience and tolerance will be low, and you will find yourself snapping at everyone. Get some sleep, eat a healthy meal, and take a walk or a run.
6. Let it go. I know it’s hard…but you need to learn to let go of what’s already happened…that’s in the past. Move on from it, or one little problem in the morning can ruin your entire day.
7. ASK FOR HELP! There is nothing wrong with asking for help from a spouse, family member, friend, or babysitter. We’ve all been there. Nobody can do any job 24/7 without a break from time to time. Take one. You deserve it.

You know that mom: the one with the perfect figure, hair and makeup. She’s the one who always bakes the cupcakes from scratch, and always has a smile on her face. She volunteers for just about every committee, and her kids get good grades.

Yes, you know whom I’m talking about. She is super mom. She believes that she must be the perfect wife and the best mother in order to be successful. If her kids are not perfect, than she thinks she has failed. But maybe she’s failed already.

Let’s face it: parenting is hard work. Raising children to be happy, well adjusted, and productive members of society isn’t always as easy as it sounds. Look around. Now, more than ever, we see young adults unable to handle rejection or failure. We have created a generation with a sense of entitlement like we’ve never seen before.

But why? It’s quite simple really. We’ve lost sight of what parenting really means. Does it mean sheltering your child from disappointments? Never letting him fail? Praising him for being mediocre? Pushing him to perfection? Being his friend? No, No, No, No!

But what is a good parent? What must we know about how to raise children? Read on for my 7 Tips for Raising Kids Today:

1. Be a parent, not a friend. This means you cannot be afraid to be the bad guy. Your child might be angry with you sometimes. Deal with it. The alternative is having an obnoxious kid.
2. Set limits and boundaries, have rules. And enforce them. Kids need rules and boundaries in order to feel safe. This means you can’t be afraid to say “no”.
3. Accept your child for whom he is, flaws and all. Nobody is perfect, not even your child. Push him to be his best, not the
4. Let him fail sometimes. If you don’t, how to you expect him to ever learn how to cope with life’s ups and downs? Nobody is successful at everything. Sometimes, you have to fail in order to succeed.
5. Hold your child accountable when he makes mistakes. Don’t rescue him or rush in to fix every problem. Give him a chance to make it right on his own. It’s okay for him to struggle a bit. Today’s world demands the ability to admit when you’re wrong and to problem-solve.
6. Stop telling your kid how he great he is at everything. Point out his strengths and his weaknesses. Yes, every child has some things they are good at, and some things they’re not as good at. It’s important that they know this.
7. Tell your child you love him, every single day, just the way he is.

So, go ahead, buy the cupcakes at the supermarket. Stop worrying about your make-up or your outfit. Say “no” to being on that committee. You’ve got more important things to do: raising a child.

Is it possible to spend too much time with your kids?  I say “yes”.  And it’s not good for either of you.  Really.

These days, with so much emphasis on parenting, parents are to believe that their children are the center of the universe and that everything in their lives must revolve around the children.  Furthermore, we are led to believe that if we don’t cater to the child’s every desire (these are different than actual needs, many of us confuse this), that we are somehow failures as parents.  Well…I am here to burst that bubble.

Your responsibility as a parent is to meet your child’s needs.  That means you provide the things they actually need, such as food, clothing, shelter, and nurturing.  It does NOT mean you cater to every desire, such as needing constant attention and entertaining.  While your children ought to be a very important part of your universe, the fact is that YOU must be the center of your universe.  YOUR needs, YOUR relationships, YOUR desires must come first.  Otherwise, you are not in a place to be the best parent you can be, and you don’t do your children any favors.

Children must grow knowing that their needs will be met, and that they are loved and nurtured.  They also must learn that the world does NOT revolve around them.  They must hear the word “no”, they must get bored, they must be left without you sometimes, they must struggle, they must get upset.  And they must learn how to cope with all of this, or they will not become the successful adults we wish for them to be.  Success is not only measured materially.  Many would say that emotional maturity is a far better measure of success.

So, here are some tips for how to manage how much time you spend with your children, and how to help them grow into successful adults:

1. Take time for yourself.  Let them see that you go for a walk without them, or soak in the bath, or read a book.  Alone.
2. Plan regular date nights and leave the kids with Grandma or a babysitter.  It is as good for them as it is for you and your relationship.
3. Stop feeling like you constantly must entertain your kids.  Let them figure out what to do when they’re bored.  It actually sparks creativity.
4. Say “no”.  Don’t give them everything they want.  They won’t be able to have everything they want when they are grown, so don’t give it to them now.
5. Don’t always jump in to rescue them when they are upset about something.  Let them figure out how to solve problems on their own.  And let them experience struggling with uncomfortable emotions.  It’s part of life.

Kids who are never left without their parents, never left bored, never left to struggle, never told “no”, and always the center of the universe will grow up to be self-centered, entitled, and emotionally inept.  Don’t let this happen to yours.