Even though their bodies may look mature, a teenager’s brain is not.  They don’t always have the skills or ability to use words to describe what is going on internally.  Their prefrontal cortex isn’t done growing yet.  That’s the part of the brain where we can see long-range consequences, for example—something that teenagers are famously bad at.  But despite the fact that they aren’t fully “cooked” yet, teenagers still need plenty of opportunities to practice their developing independence.  But the challenge is that your teenager probably isn’t going to tell you that they want and need that independence in ways that will inspire you to give it to them.  Instead, teenagers are more likely to argue, defy, or jump without asking (or thinking.)

Whether they ask nicely or not, a parent who learns how to “translate” teenage behavior will be able to understand and respond in ways that are more effective and more loving.  So here are two examples of typical teenage behavior, translated!

What your teenager is doing: 

Eye rolling, shoulder shrugging, or giving one word answers: fine; dunno; whatever.

What it means: 

“I need to feel less like a child.  This kind of attitude/body language makes me feel more in charge and less under YOUR control.  Plus, it puts space between us, which sometimes helps me to feel more grownup.  But please don’t move away from me all the time because I still really need you.  Sometimes this behavior is directly related to something that you are doing and sometimes it is not.

What they need: 

I need age-appropriate opportunities to feel in charge of myself, my time, my activities, my choices, my surroundings, and more.  I need to still have plenty of opportunities to be close to you, but I need to have increasing control over how/when that happens.  I need to know that you really, really see that I am changing and growing.

What your teenager is doing:

Staying up too late on Facebook/Skype/texting.

What it means/what they need: 

Teenagers are developing skills now that they will need their entire lives.  Balancing multiple priorities is one of those important skills.  Sleep is important, but social relationships are too.  Your children will have to balance self-care and responsibility with fun and friends their whole lives.  If you are trying to control them, or force them to adopt healthy habits or see the consequences of their actions, you may very well be standing in the way of the lessons they need to learn.   They need you to give them the space now, when the stakes are somewhat limited, to experiment, fail, succeed, suffer consequences, and reap rewards.  That’s how they will learn the lessons that will shape their future behavior into healthy habits.  (and yes, they do still need some support and possibly reminders about healthy limits, and they definitely need consistent expectations whether or not they went to sleep on time.)

There are many, many different messages that our children’s behaviors can be sending, but the need for age-appropriate power and control are almost always an influence for teenagers.

Many children—and many adults, as well—handle challenges and transitions better when they have an advance notice about what’s coming. If they can see the challenge ahead, they can get a running start, so to speak, and it can make a really big difference in how smoothly things turn out. There are many reasons why this helps, but one big one is that our brains just simply work better when we are calm and peaceful.

I regularly advise parents to have “Heads’ Up” conversations with kids, about matters large and small. It’s an effective and loving way for parents to help kids stay in their highest selves, their most peaceful and cooperative and problem-solving selves. It also helps demonstrate to children that in a small but important way, their life is a safe and manageable one. Not everything in life will go their way, but they can be secure in knowing that scary or bad things aren’t always lurking around the corner, waiting to surprise them.

Some examples of things that children often respond better to when they have some advance warning:

• The end of TV time (or computer time, or a playdate, etc.) “In 5 more minutes, it will be time to turn it off.” (or “After this show is over…”)

• A new rule that the family is going to follow. For example, parents might tell their child that the family is going to start turning the TV off during meals, starting tomorrow. (or, starting with today’s dinner in 1 hour.)

• A change in schedule. For example: “We have always gone to the library on Tuesdays for storytime, but now it will be on Wednesdays.”

• A change in personnel. For example: getting a new babysitter or school teacher, or who is the person who picks the child up from xyz activity.

• A future disappointment. For example: “Honey, I know you were really looking forward to playing with Bridget tomorrow, but I just found out that she won’t be at the party.”

• Higher expectations. For example: “In the past, whenever you forgot your sports uniform at home, I would bring it to school for you. Starting tomorrow, if you forget it, I will not make a special trip and you will have to handle that with your coach.”

It’s important to note that knowing about transitions or bad news in advance doesn’t prevent sad or mad or worried feelings. Kids will still have their feelings. But, they will often have them in a more peaceful, appropriate location, with someone (you) who is ready for those feelings and more able to stay peaceful, compassionate, and supportive in the face of those feelings. And those little details can make a big different in the long run—for both a peaceful child and peaceful parent, and a loving and cooperative parent-child relationship.

Children don’t always have the skills or ability to use words to describe what is going on in their brain or body.  Sometimes they don’t know, other times they just don’t have the words.  Even if it’s true, you’re not likely to find a 4 year old saying “Excuse me Mommy, but the sugar from that candy plus the nap I missed are really making it hard for me to sit down and stop shrieking.”   Know what I mean?

On the other hand, their behavior itself is a fantastic clue about what’s going on.  When a child is behaving in some inappropriate way, ask yourself what that behavior would tell you if you looked at it as though it was a message spoken in a foreign language.  Translate it, and see what your child is saying.  Here are a few examples:

What your child is doing: Hiding behind your legs when meeting someone new.

 What it means/what they need: I’m feeling uncomfortable and a little scared.  I need to be reassured and some gentle physical touch would help a lot.  Do my talking for me so I can watch and warm up at my own speed.

 What your child is doing: Coming to you, interrupting what you are doing with endless questions when you know they already know the answer.

 What it means/what they need: I need more of your attention.  I want you to stop what you are doing for at least a moment to play with me, talk to me, ask me how I am or what is up with me.

 What your child is doing: Running in to the street/away from you.

 What it means/what they need: I can’t handle being in charge of my body right now.  I need you to hold my hand, or take me somewhere safer, or carry me, etc.

 What your child is doing: Hitting their sibling.

What it means/what they need:  (This is a tough one—it can mean many different things, but here’s a most likely suspect:)  I am feeling such strong feelings that I can’t seem to control them appropriately.  I need your help managing myself and making safe choices.

 What your child is doing: Being defiant, talking back!

What it means/what they need: This one is tough, because it can mean a LOT of different things.  Here’s a typical translation for young children: “I am really angry/upset right now—maybe with you about what you are saying, or maybe about something unrelated to you.”  Either way, I need you to stay calm, acknowledge my strong feelings, and help me practice expressing my feelings in appropriate ways.

There are many, many different messages that our children’s behaviors can be sending, but the need for more attention, more support, more reassurance, and more limits are very common ones for the younger kids.  Stay tuned for how to translate your teenager’s behaviors next!

Researchers at University of California, Los Angeles, recently found that verbalizing one’s negative emotions (like fear) helps a person to actually feel less of that emotion.  So how can a parent use this information to help their children better manage their own feelings?  For younger kids, it’s all about giving them the language to conceptualize and communicate about their experiences.  Kids must acquire language tools that will allow them to identify and verbalize their own emotions.  The good news is that you can help them, and it’s pretty simple to do!

Step 1: Identify your own most common emotions. You can choose from a very wide variety of emotions (happy, annoyed, silly, angry, loving, sad, excited, frustrated, anxious/worried, joyous), but pick 3 basic ones to start.

Step 2: Start naming your own emotions, and say why you are feeling them, out loud, in front of your child. Deliver this information in an emotionally neutral way, as much as possible (Your goal is to teaching and role modeling, not self-expression.) It may help if you first identify predictable times/events when you feel those feelings, so that you’ll be prepared with a bit of a script. For example: annoyance while driving, joy at the end-of-the-day-reunions, feeling silly or happy during playtimes.

Step 3: Begin reflecting for your child what emotions you think they might be feeling. For example: “Ooh, you look really frustrated.” or “You look like you’re feeling proud of yourself for that!” If you have a child with a good attention span for discussion, you could add in an extra sentence that clarifies what s/he was doing that suggested a particular emotion. For example: “You’re yanking on that strap and yelling-I can tell that you are really frustrated!” Also at this stage-start describing emotions you observe in other people around you.  “Look Grace, Billy is crying. He feels sad because you grabbed his toy.” Or, “Wow, John, look at Grandma’s big smile-you really made her feel happy when you said that.”

Step 4: After you’ve been describing your own emotions and reflecting your child’s emotions for her/him for a few weeks, start asking your child if they are feeling a particular emotion. For example: Oh, “did that loud noise scare you?”  or “Are you feeling angry that I took that away from you?” The goal here is to support their understanding and use of emotional vocabulary.

What you’ve just done with those 4 steps is increased your child’s ability, permission, and likelihood to use words to express their feelings.  You want your whole family to be able, willing, and skillful at recognizing, naming, and appropriately expressing their feelings. Your positive role modeling will lead the way!

We support our children’s participation in sports and other activities because we think the activities and leaders will help them grow.  It’s awful to think that sometimes those trusted adults don’t have our children’s best interests (or even basic rights) at heart.

The good news is that the vast majority of coaches, teachers, volunteers, and church leaders are wonderful, caring, dedicated people.  I can personally think of many from my own childhood who made a significant positive impact on my life, and I see it every day in the adults who work with my children now.  So how does a parent tell the difference?  Surely there are some signals, some signs?

Yes, there are.  To keep it simple, I will list the two most significant red flags that a parent should pay attention to when interacting with the people to whom you entrust your children.  If you see (or even feel) that an adult is doing either of the things below, you need to pay extra attention, get more information, and possibly take action.

1.  Secrets.  What your child is giving you for Mother’s Day is a fine secret to keep with Daddy, her teacher, or Uncle Harry.  But there aren’t many more secrets that adults and children can share appropriately.  What they are doing, where they are going, gifts given from the other adult to your child—those things should never be kept secret from the parent.  Do not trust an adult who excludes you and keeps secrets with your child.
2. Grooming.  I learned this awful term many years ago when I worked with sex offenders.  Basically, grooming is what a predator does to ‘test out’ and prepare a child to be a victim.  In other words, the predator needs to know that the child will trust him, will value or be dependent on him, will not tell on him, will not expose him.  Grooming can look many different ways, but it is basically a manipulative, secretive growing relationship.  It often has a “specialness” about it—as in: the relationship is special and the child is made to feel special in it.  There may be gifts, privileges, or unusual perks to being in the relationship with that predator.  (For example, traveling with the Penn State football team.)  Do you find yourself asking “Why is he being so nice/generous to my child?”  That question is a red flag.

So, while secrets and grooming do not necessarily mean that a child is being sexually abused, it does mean that a parent needs to get more information.  Do not ignore what your gut is telling you.  When these two unhealthy relationship traits are present, there may be more.

One last thought: what should you do if you suspect sexual abuse?  You should call the police or your state’s department of children and family services.  It is not enough to simply tell another adult, another coach, a supervisor, or just to leave the group.  By not reporting suspected abuse to the proper authorities, you are permitting the predator to simply move on to his next victim.  Stop sexual abuse by reporting it.  You can find out more about how/where to report on this webpage: http://tinyurl.com/bstcxa7

© 2012, Katie Malinski, LCSW. All rights reserved.

“Front-loading” is a trick I teach mothers and fathers in my therapy and coaching practice.  It’s a positive and effective way to help children avoid temptation of almost any kind. Basically, to front-load is to give your child the information, expectations, and limits about something that is going to happen before they actually have to deal with it.  The reason this works is that most of us handle things better when we have a little lead time to think through and prepare.  When our brains are running on impulses, we don’t have access to our highest and best brain functions, including the ability to control those impulses!

Here’s an example.  Imagine the public library where you take your 3 year old for storytime has a set of stairs right next to the check out desk.  But, the stairs have a sign on them saying “Keep off,” and the librarians get grouchy if your preschooler even sits on the first step.  The situation is complicated by two more details: (1) your preschooler loves stairs, and (2) your hands and focus are otherwise engaged when you are at the checkout desk.

The last few times you went to the library your child couldn’t help himself and walked up a stair while you were talking to the checkout clerk.  So this time, before you even go in to the library, you pause and quietly talk with your child.

• You might remind your son about the stairs and the rule—“Remember how those cool stairs are right by the desk?  I know how much you love to climb stairs.  But remember, the librarians here have a rule that no one is allowed to climb their stairs.”
• Then perhaps you brainstorm together about how to handle the challenge:  “What can I do to help you follow the rule?  Would you like to hold hands?  For me to give you some kisses while we wait?  How about if we both tell the librarian about our favorite book while we wait?  Would that help you to be able to stay next to me and not climb the stairs?”
• And when you are approaching the checkout desk, you remind your child about the earlier conversation.  Remember honey, we are going to be at the desk next to those fun-looking stairs in just a second, but we’re going to hold hands and tell the librarian about the book we just read, so that we can resist those stairs.  I know you can do it!

No parenting trick works the first time and every time, but this one, when repeated, is great for helping children learn, remember, and follow expectations—because you are engaging the very best part of their brain.  Give it a try!

Everyone knows the phrase “Stranger Danger,” and many parents teach their children this in hopes of keeping them safe from child predators.  But—they shouldn’t, it is a mistake.  Teaching a child to be afraid of all strangers is actually the opposite of what you want to teach your children to keep them safe.

In that frightening imagined scenario where your child is somehow left alone in a public place, you actually DO want your child to approach a stranger, says Gavin DeBecker, a national expert on safety and predators.  In his fantastic book “Protecting the Gift,” De Becker explains that a scared, immobile, vulnerable child is actually an ideal potential victim to a predator.   Instead of teaching “Stranger Danger,” he says, parents need to teach children how to pick the safest stranger, and feel confident in approaching that person and asking for help.

How can a child pick the safest stranger in any given situation?  It’s simple—the child should pick a woman.  De Becker explains why, saying that this rule works “because it’s practical (there will almost always be a woman around) and simple (easy to teach, easy to learn, easy to do).”  Furthermore, he says, “a woman approached by a lost child asking for help is likely to stop whatever she is doing, commit to that child, and not rest until the child is safe.”  It may not be politically correct, but it is statistically correct and the safe thing to do.

If you are ready to put this concept in to action, and help equip your child, even just a little bit, for a situation that we all hope will never occur, here are two practical steps you can take.

1. Teach your child that if he or she is ever alone or lost, go to a woman.
2. Practice with your child looking at strangers in a public place.  Talk about which one would be the best person to ask for help from if your child was lost.  Discuss why.

A parent’s physical proximity and active supervision will generally always be the best protection against predators, but these two steps can give your child accurate and helpful guidance and the confidence to take appropriate action if you are ever separated.

All kids love to get presents, but they want to give presents, too!

The challenge is that it’s hard for kids to make the arrangements, and even harder for them to pay for the gifts.  But the pride and good feelings that come from giving a gift are character-building, so helping your kids to give to others is a wonderful thing to do for them!  (Not to mention a treat for the person receiving the gift.)

Here are a few gift ideas for Father’s Day that your child can do mostly on their own, for very little money.

* Write “I love you” on a sheet of paper with bold marker, take a picture of the child holding the paper in front of their chest.  Print out the photo on a plain ole’ home printer (or be fancy and have it developed like a real photo!) and frame it or glue it to a card.

* Help your child write a note to dad telling him the top 5 things your child loves or appreciates about him.  For example: “I love how you help me roller skate.”  “I like it when you take me places.”  “I like it when you make cereal for dinner.”

* Help your child make a “coupon book” for dad.  The coupons can say things like: “Coupon good for 1 free hug,” or “I will take a bath tonight without complaining.”  “I will share my toys with my brother” or “I will take you to the park.”  (That last one is both funny and serious!)  You can let your child come up with the coupon items all on their own, or you can print out 5-10 options and let them choose.  It’s important to really let them choose, though, otherwise this “gift” will backfire!

* For a 3-4 year old child: print out a few pictures of your child and Dad doing stuff together.  Show the picture to your child, and have them describe what they see going on in the picture.  This is always a random and hilarious commentary: “My Daddy is in front of the lake.  He is wearing a green shirt.  I am wearing my favorite shoes.  I want an ice cream.”

* Have your child write short notes (or just “I love you Daddy”) on several different pieces of paper.  Together, hide those notes in places where Daddy will find them over the course of the next few days (lunchbox, dashboard, pocket of clean pants, etc.)  If your child is too young to write, cut out several small hearts and have him color/scribble on them, and you write the sweet note on the back.

Have fun with this, and remember to make the focus about how good it feels to do nice things for others.  Happy Father’s Day!