Do you have a defiant child? Parenting Coach Katie Malinski LCSW role plays with Kate Raidt how to handle a defiant child.

Does your teenager speak disrespectfully to you? Parenting Coach Katie Malinski LCSW role plays with Kate Raidt how to handle a defiant or disrespectful teenager.

Dr. Patricia Nan Anderson and Parenting Coach Katie Malinski LCSW discuss with Kate Raidt the difference between normal sibling squabbles – and when sibling fighting or rivalry has gone too far.

Talking to kids about sex can be a nerve-racking experience for any parent. Parenting Coach Katie Malinski LCSW role plays with Kate Raidt how to effectively talk to your kids about sex…today!

Do you find it difficult to get your teenager to talk to you? Parenting Coach Katie Malinski, LCSW, role plays with Kate Raidt on how to get your teenager to open up and talk about their day.

A mom asked me on Facebook the other day for recommendations on how to foster a positive self-concept for her kids.  I thought it was such a great question that I’m sharing my answer here.  I ended up with a long list, but the good thing about that is that you will probably find some strategies that you are already doing, some that surprise you, and some that you’ll be excited to try.  So, in no particular order, here are 10 things parents can do to help their children to develop (or strengthen) a positive self-concept.

1. The first place that children begin to form their self-concept is within the parent-child relationship.  Within that relationship, we teach children that they matter: their needs, opinions, experiences, feelings, and preferences are an important part of the family culture and decision-making.  Children aren’t the only voice in the family, but they need to know that they do have a voice.
2. Let them have experiences that include: working really hard, succeeding, and failing.  All three things are a normal part of a healthy adult life, and for children to feel good about themselves, they need age-appropriate experiences of these things, too.
3. Feel good about yourself, and let your words reflect this.  When you speak about your actions, your habits, your body, your brain, your hair, your clothes, your life—try to speak to and from your best self.  Of course, no one is perfect, which leads to:
4. Acknowledge that you are not perfect.  We are ALL learning and growing, and we are healthiest when we can acknowledge and learn from our mistakes, and practice self-compassion.  (Self-compassion is critical to health, as mistakes are inevitable and frequent, in both childhood and adulthood.)
5. Be careful how you word your judgments of others, especially your children.  Try to criticize actions, not the people who take those actions.  In other words, come from the perspective that for the most part, people do the best they can with what they have.  Having compassion for others makes it easier to have compassion for oneself.
6. Give your children power and control over age-appropriate decisions.  Let them flex their muscles both literally and figuratively.
7. Make sure your child gets enough good sleep, healthy foods, and exercise.  The mind cannot be healthy when the body is not.  (And make sure you do it for you, too, parents are usually deficient in this.)
8. Assertiveness.  People feel better about themselves when they feel empowered—assertiveness skills are a key component of feeling empowered.  Teach good communication, and validate that your child has a right to ask for what they want!  (which also then leads to the useful learning opportunities of dealing with it when you don’t get what you wanted.)
9. Give your children permission to have their feelings.  Even when feelings are uncomfortable, send the message that all feelings are okay.
10. Cultivate a sense of humor.  A sense of humor is another key component of resiliency—the ability to bounce back from problems, setbacks, frustrations, failures.

So there ya go!  10 ways to help a child’s growing positive self-concept.

Motherhood requires more sacrifices than can be counted, and it can wear you out physically and emotionally.  In order to parent well, however, we need energy, patience, forgiveness, creativity… all the things that disappear when we are exhausted.  What to do?  As flight attendants and Oprah both like to say, you’ve got to put your oxygen mask on yourself first.  Let’s talk about self-care.

How do you take care of yourself?  First, make sure you are getting the basics: enough sleep, healthy food, daily physical activity.  Our bodies and brains will stop functioning pretty quickly without those items.  But beyond that, your self-care can be as unique as you are.  Consider some of these ideas:

Order.  Some of us take care of ourselves by maintaining order in our physical surroundings.  If this is you, my advice is to remember to find balance.  Children pretty much destroy order just by virtue of their existence, and there is no human way to stay on top of everything.  So, find places in your life/house where you can create and maintain order, and try to “let go” of wishing everything could be orderly.  (Read about my own balancing act with order on my blog here: http://www.katiemalinski.com/2010/04/my-sock-drawer-circa-2001/  )

Girlfriends.  When I realize that I’ve gotten behind on my own self care (usually evidenced by a grouchy, testy mood,) one of my favorite ways to get myself back is to go on a walk with a girlfriend.  An hour of laughing, confiding and sometimes complaining, away from home and kids and responsibility, plus a little exercise, plus it’s free?  Perfect.

Lower your standards.  Yes, a home cooked meal is awesome and a clean house is important.  (But not as important as a peaceful, centered Mommy!) Can you grab a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store one night a week?  Or use paper plates during crunch time?  If those things allow you to steal back 20 minutes of your time one evening, it’s a small price to pay.  But make sure to use those 20 minutes doing something that rejuvenates you!

Make something.  Are you a crafter? Baker?  (Candlestick maker?) If you love to make stuff but aren’t doing it, you probably feel a little bit wistful (or worse!) every time you walk by your unused supplies.  Carve out an hour or two and knock out a tiny, manageable project.  One finished project can give that craft table a happy vibe instead.

Ask for help.  Do you have family or friends to turn to?  A church or community group?  Maybe they can help with babysitting or trading child care, emotional support, advice, or simply by keeping you company while you do whatever you need to do.  I myself have often found that even if someone can’t help me, having their company while I do whatever needs doing is helpful. 

Music.  Music has an enormous ability to transform moods.  It’s also great because it can be combined with other activities—particularly boring ones like cleaning.  But I’ve found that if I play great music while I’m cleaning, I end up enjoying myself, the work seems quicker and less difficult, and a lot of the time I end up having a mini dance party with the kids in the middle of it.  Crank up the volume!

Go to bed.  Everyone says this, but that’s because everyone needs it and no one is getting enough.  Go to sleep!   I always like to remind parents of very young children sleep deprivation is a form of torture and is listed in the Geneva Convention!  There is also research that shows that not getting enough sleep leads to unhealthy food choices and increased caloric intake!  So give yourself the gift of a nap, or 8 full hours of uninterrupted sleep.  And then do it again.  Ahhhh.

So before you click another link—think for just a moment: what will you do to take care of you today?  Now make it a priority.  You deserve it!

Depression is a serious disease that affects adults, teenagers, and children.  Everyone has had periods of sadness in their life, perhaps due to a death or a loss, so how does a parent recognize when things have gone beyond a temporary bout of the ‘blues’?

A doctor or therapist can diagnosis depression, and will ask you or your teenager questions about mood, sleeping, eating, enjoyment of activities, fatigue, ability to concentrate, and thoughts of death.  However, parents are often the first ones to recognize that something might not be okay.  By familiarizing yourself with some of the symptoms of depression, you can help identify the problem and assist with getting the appropriate help.

Some questions to ask yourself:

1. Is your teenager sad most of the day, most every day for 2 weeks or so?  (If your child’s mood is irritable instead, this can also be due to depression.)
2. Has your teenager recently shown a significantly decreased interest in things/activities that were previously enjoyed?
3. Has your teenager had a significant change in appetite or sleep or physical activity?  (either increasing or decreasing.)
4. Has your teenager been having a hard time concentrating?
5. Is your teenager having feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt?
6. Has your teenager been thinking or talking repeatedly about death or suicide?

The first 2 questions are the most significant.  If you’ve answered yes to either of those, consider reaching out for professional guidance.  If you also answered yes to one or more of the following questions, consider it even more evidence that a professional’s involvement is needed.  A pediatrician, child psychologist, or a mental health therapist is your best choice for the next step.  Mental health therapists can have several different credentials, for example “Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW), Licensed Professional Counselors (LPC,) or Marriage and Family Therapists (MFT.)”  If you have health insurance, you can call your customer service number and ask about mental health benefits, and for a referral to a therapist who specializes in children and teenagers.  Your workplace might also offer EAP benefits including a short number of counseling sessions—these are often free or very inexpensive.  Most communities also have “Help Lines” or free  or low-cost counseling organizations.

It is very important to take depression seriously.  Please call someone today if you suspect your teenager is depressed—there are many effective treatments that can help.

Summer is here… your kids are surely looking forward to the break from school.  How about you?  Are you feeling ready for your family-together-time?  If you aren’t feeling so ready—consider sitting down with the kids to brainstorm fun activity ideas together.  Have the kids write out a list of things they would like to do this summer, including ideas that are free, indoors, outdoors, quiet, loud, solitary, or done in a group.  Give them a small theoretical budget (ie, $10/week) to see how they would spend the family resources on activities.  When we give kids some control and responsibility for the planning, they will be more likely to help make it happen, and be happy about it when you do!

Here are a few relatively easy ways to have quality family time together without spending a ton of money.

• Does your town have public transportation?  If you don’t use it regularly, give it a try.  Kids love to take the bus—no carseats, not even seatbelts!  You can plan a day-long outing on the bus.  You can go somewhere specific, or just use the bus as an air-conditioned tour of your town!  Make sure your bus route is a circle if you do that, or ask the driver where the stop is that will send you back where you came from.
• The Pool!  Your kids are probably already begging to go… take them and jump in, too.  Being in the pool is great exercise, and it’s a wonderful way to get physically close to your kids.  You can play Marco-polo or dive for coins.  Anything that has you interacting with each other and using your bodies will leave you connected, happy, and a pleasantly tired.  Don’t forget the sunscreen and the snacks—fresh fruit is especially nice poolside.
• Visit a park.  Many state parks have activities in the summer that are fun for families—get outdoors, have fun, and maybe even learn a little something, too.  Another outdoor nature adventure idea is to find a creek somewhere and go exploring.  Can you catch minnows?  Pick different kinds of flowers?  Splash in puddles?!  Get wet and muddy, bring the dog, and make life-long wonderful summer memories.
• Have a messy party in the backyard one afternoon.  Put down a shower curtain or some other large plastic sheet, and give the kids shaving cream, pudding, flour, Koolaid: any kind of messy/goopy/food substance.  Make sure they are wearing old clothes and then let them make the biggest mess ever!  Just make sure to have a bucket of water nearby for rinsing off before they come back in the house.
• Outdoor bubble bath.  Clear out your shower and vanity of all the old body wash and shampoo bottles that you aren’t using or are mostly empty.  Pull out the kiddie pool, rinse out one of the bottles to get the bubbles started, and turn the kids loose with the rest of the bottles for the world’s largest bubble bath.   (this one might be a good one to do directly after the messy party!)

But mostly, take advantage of the slower pace that summer usually brings.  Spend more time cuddling, playing, and laughing.  Relax and enjoy yourself—let the summer fun begin!