My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.  

My bologna has a second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R.  

Gone are the days of simple bologna on white bread, a Hostess® cupcake and a bag of Fritos®. Rarely do you see paper lunch bags that have been tossed after trading sandwiches with a classmate. Many of today’s school lunches can seem more like a Top Chef contest with parents packing bento boxes and preparing tiny versions of Pinterest-worthy gourmet items. If you could see the lunchroom trash can, you would likely think twice about all this effort. You might also realize that if you have a goal of training your son or daughter to become a well-functioning adult, he will clearly benefit from making his own lunch starting right now. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests on their website, healthychildren.org, “Do Less. Parents need to stop doing things for their teens, like making lunch or running an “emergency” load of wash, that teens can do for themselves.”

Many parents view the process of making school lunches as a kindness offered to their teens and tweens, who spend most of their waking hours either at school, studying, or at an extracurricular activity. However, if we are serious about developing responsibility and gratefulness in the hearts of our students, one way to guide them down that path is to allow them to make their own lunch. Seems like a simple thing, and it is. But many parents started making lunches when their child started kindergarten, and they just haven’t found the right time to stop, despite the fact that their “child” is now a sophomore. There is nothing wrong with making lunch to save your kids time. But if you do it all the time, they miss the opportunity to gain responsibility, as well as the chance to feel genuinely grateful when something is done for them unexpectedly.

If you want to transition this skill to your tween or teen, simply follow these easy steps. First, have a conversation explaining that you are not quitting as a parent. You are, in fact, stepping up your parent game by adding an important skill to your student’s adulting capabilities. Then let her know that you will either buy items she requests for lunch when you go to the store (give her a day and a way to communicate—text message, list on the fridge) or you will give her money to purchase the items she would like each week. Then ask her if she needs any help with ideas or recipes.

The rest is simple. Don’t make their lunch. Hunger is a powerful motivator. They will figure this one out.

One of the great benefits I have found in following this method is that when your teen oversleeps or has a big project due, he is truly grateful when you step in and make his lunch to save time. When you are no longer the “Lunch Lady,” it gives him a chance to see you in a new light and to appreciate how much you do for him. And after his own attempts to make a meal, dinner might suddenly taste all the better as well.  

 “Mom, have you seen my jeans with the holes in them?”

“Hey Mom, is my soccer uniform clean?”

“Dad, when you are shopping, can you pick up some more socks for me? I’m running out.”

Back in the throes of potty training, most parents heard friends with older children say, “No one goes to college in diapers.” However, there are many students who leave for college without ever having run the washing machine. According to a study by Mulberry Garment Care, 48.6% of males and 32.4% of females have never done laundry until after their eighteenth birthday. Tell your teens since they want to be above average, you are going to teach them to do their own laundry. This is a chore each person in the family can do on their own, even starting at age nine or ten. With a family of seven, my life became exponentially simpler when I stopped worrying about doing full loads of laundry containing everyone’s clothes and let each person wash their own. With high efficiency washers, we no longer have to worry about wasting water doing this either.

Teaching teens how to do their own laundry will prove worthwhile both now and in the future. It just takes a few simple steps.  

First, when implementing any new idea, it is helpful to have a “why” discussion, pointing out the reasons you are transitioning this task from your plate to your teen’s.  You might mention they know best when they need items like sports uniforms or special apparel for work or school. Therefore, they can plan to have their clothes washed, dried, and ready to go better than you can.  They should know that you have always wanted them to be above average, and that learning this skill puts them in category for kids graduating high school. You might also remind them that your job is to teach them what they need to know to be a successful adult, and this is one important “adulting” step in that direction that they can learn and practice ahead of time. The other two steps are simple.  

Ask them to gather their laundry (I said simple, not easy) and meet you by the washer. Show them how to sort, read labels, and run the machine. The cardinal rule of laundry in our house is “towels by themselves.” This eliminates the dreaded lint ball problem. Point out any dark colored cotton items that might bleed, and mention a word or two about how mixing those with light-colored clothes can turn all their favorite T-shirts or underwear pink. It might be enough to keep them from washing lights and darks together. Then step aside and let them have at it.  

Resist the urge to take this responsibility back. You will be tempted to gather their clothes off the floor or grab their overflowing laundry basket and throw a load in while they are at school. This is counter-productive if your goals for them include independence and maturity. Close their door if you need to, but let them manage this on their own. You (and their future spouse) will be glad you did.

How many times have you found yourself late for an important event because your teen wasn’t ready to leave? Does your teen typically show up a few minutes (or more) late to appointments or activities? How do we stop ourselves from trying to wrestle our kids into the car, and get them to take responsibility for their own timeliness?   

In working on a plan to transition accountability to our students, managing their time is an important one for us to let go. According to the Harvard University Center on the Developing Child, “Self-regulation is necessary in any goal- directed activity. Identifying goals, planning, monitoring progress, and adjusting behavior are important skills to practice.”

Often we don’t realize our own habits are contributing to the things our teens do that frustrate us. The 10-minute warning you may have used during the toddler years and found effective even through elementary school now may be causing your teen to rely on you as the alarm for her schedule. When they plan to go to a movie with their friends, do they have the skills to figure out how to get there before the movie starts? If so, they can get anywhere on time—if they want to. When we are constantly reminding and prodding, our teens assume that the responsibility of being on time is ours, not theirs.  

So the simple answer of how to give the responsibility of time management to our teens is to just stop reminding them. But what if this causes them to be late for something crucial? To be fair to them, we have to have a process to take this off our plate and place it on theirs.  

Following these three steps and being patient is all you need to make this work.  

First, have a conversation about why being on time is important and why it is important for him to learn to be on time. Inform him that you will no longer be reminding him.  

Second, talk with her about what system she can create to determine what time she will need to leave,     how much time she’ll need to get ready, and how to remind herself about her own timeline. If you are concerned about an event that has significant consequences for tardiness, then start with events that don’t have major pitfalls, like a movie or a friend’s party. Help your teen come up with the time she wants to be at the event, the transportation time to get there, how much time she’ll need to get ready beforehand, and a way to set an alarm or reminder for the time she needs to start the process.

Third, then tackle the hardest part: “Just do it.”  

 Step away and realize they may make mistakes and they may be late or even miss something. That is not your problem. When you take this monkey off your back, you are doing your teen a great service by helping him develop lifelong skills of maturity and responsibility.

Most parents have a vision for their children from the time they are young.  This vision usually includes a dream of a cap and gown, their graduate getting a job, moving out, and living successfully on their own.

However, most of us as parents don’t really have a specific plan for transitioning from doing everything for our toddlers to having teenagers doing most things for themselves. In fact, many of the things we do as well-meaning, loving parents actually discourage the achievement of this milestone. Do you know anyone who would rather pay for everything and do all the chores themselves if they had an option to have free rent, a full-time cook, maid, and chauffeur?

Boystown, a one hundred-year-old residential home for struggling kids, encourages parents, “Teens also want to be treated like adults. Parents can do this, first by teaching their teens they are responsible for the consequences of their choices, and second by holding them accountable for these choices.” If we want our teens to be motivated to achieve their own success, we have to transfer responsibility to them for “adulting.”  This seems easy enough, but if we check our own homes, we might find that we are unintentionally holding our students back by doing too many things for them. Now is the time to lovingly step back and allow our teens to assume responsibility for things they could be doing for themselves.

Ironically, what we do out of necessity when our children are little, becomes a habit as they grow older.  How do we decide when it is time for them to take on more responsibility?  Just as we are amazed at our toddler’s ability to drink out of a regular cup at a restaurant when we have forgotten their sippy-cup, we are also amazed when our sloppily dressed son gets a girlfriend and emerges from the laundry room with his shirt and khakis miraculously ironed. YouTube plus a little motivation is an amazing thing.  If he was able to iron today, could he have ironed yesterday, or perhaps a year ago? Probably.

So the way to tell if your teen is ready for a task is not to wait until he is magically able to assume it on his own, but to start handing off responsibilities and let him learn under your supervision. With this method, he will have the chance to make a few mistakes along the way and recover in a nurturing environment.

Here are five things you might be doing for your son or daughter that they can probably do for themselves

1. Saving them from their “I forgot”s
2. Making sure they are on time
3. Doing their laundry
4. Working out their transportation
5. Making their lunch

If you decide to transition any of these tasks to your teen, there are three simple steps to follow.

One is to have a conversation about why you feel this is a job they can handle, and that you are no longer going to do this for them.

Two is to role-play or teach her the skill and make sure she understands. She should also know that she can come ask you questions if she needs help.

Three is to just let it go and not take over when he doesn’t do it perfectly. Here’s to growing those teenagers into successful adults!