Conventional wisdom suggests that teens are difficult and that parents must suffer through these parenting years. Many people think of teens as self-absorbed and entitled, emotionally volatile and defiant.

Many parents find their teenage children to be challenging. Think about your teen and ask yourself which behavior you want to change or reinforce in your teen. Consider the following options: studying harder or getting better grades; honoring their weekend curfew; not talking back or being disrespectful; and reducing the amount of time spent playing video games or using the computer or phone. Because teens are working so hard during this period to assert their independence, they don’t want to follow parents’ orders or suggestions. Try using any of the incentives below to get your teen to do what you want them to do.

Your kid gets to choose the next vacation spot for the family. Obviously there needs to be parameters on this one. You get final approval and you specify the number of days of the trip and all the traveling details. The good news is that you’d be surprised how motivated your teen can be if you let him or her choose the next vacation destination. Say to your teen, “If you [insert the behavior you want to see in your teen], you will get to choose the next vacation spot. The vacation could be as simple as a day trip or as long as a week because you get to make those decisions.

Your kid gets a gift card for the store of his or choice. For some teens, it will be clothes; for others, it may be video games. The amount of the gift card is up to you. Gift cards are powerful motivators, period.

Your kid gets to host a dinner for friends at his or her favorite spot, and you will simply show up at the end to pay the bill. Deep down, all kids really want is to feel like grownups. This incentive can be a very powerful motivator.

If your kid is driving age, do not suggest that he or she has regular access to a car. From the beginning, make it more of a weekly contract. For good behavior, you renew the contract for a week; for bad behavior, you don’t provide access to the car for the next week. It really is that simple.

If your kid is driving age, you pay for the gas when you see get the behavior you want from your child. Kids don’t have a lot of money, so rewarding them financially goes a long way, especially with teenagers.

Let your kid do something special or unique with their hair. First, I don’t believe that parents should dictate how their child wears their hair. Why? It’s not their hair! Kids aren’t possessions and neither is their hair. Pay for your kid to get their hair cut the way they’ve always wanted; let your daughter get a special blowout; or let them get a high-fashion hairstyle from a fancy salon in town. My son, for example, is 8 years old and he begs me to let him use gel to style his hair in a Mohawk. I told him he can start using gel when he is ten years old. Simply put, he is a kid that would be highly motivated to change a behavior if it meant that he could get a cooler haircut.

Pay for your kid to take a cool extracurricular class in the community. Examples: karate, art, cosmetology, and so on.

The takeaway

Teens aren’t the only ones who need a little motivation to do the right thing. As adults, we make deals with ourselves all the time: If I do this, I will get myself that. Use the same logic with your teens. The most important thing in dealing with teens is to give them a sense that they have some control in the situation, so be creative and make them feel that they have choices!

As much as parents want their child to automatically do their homework and read without putting up a fight, it’s actually a good thing that kids protest a bit. It would certainly be easier to have little robot children who comply with every parental wish, but ultimately that little robot would grow up to be passive and unsuccessful. Instead of getting stuck feeling frustrated that your child won’t do homework or read on cue, accept that most children try to avoid it. Try creative ways to engage them so that they get the job done without too much of a fuss.

First, I’ll share three techniques that involve positive reinforcement, which includes giving your child something good when they do something good. The alternative is to issue a punishment when they do something bad (not completing their homework). Yes, there is one punishment that works effectively, but I find that positive reinforcement is more effective than punishment as a rule. Remember, the more you punish your child, the more they will see you as an opponent. Use positive reinforcement instead and your kid will listen to you better because they will see you as more of an ally.

Treat or prize basket

If your child is ten years old or younger, you need a treat basket. The next time you go to the market with your child, visit the treat aisle and tell your child to pick out a bag or two of their favorite treats. At home, fill a basket with small items that your child values and allow him or her to pick out two treats after the homework or reading is completed. My children love chocolate, so their basket includes little wrapped chocolates. Nothing motivates my children to do their homework as much as that innocent little treat basket. If your kids are motivated by stickers or little dime toys, visit the dollar store and stock up on them, and include them in your basket.

Sit with your child at the table while they do homework

It’s important that parents not work too hard to help their children with homework. Once a child fully learns to read, they can understand directions and they should be able to complete their homework with only occasional guidance from you. Sit with them at the table and write your grocery list or answer emails while they focus on their homework. Trust me: They will get their homework done a lot faster if you are there to make sure they stay focused.

Suggest a post-homework fun activity

Whether your child is in elementary school or junior high, you can motivate your child to do something they don’t want to do. Sometimes one of the most effective motivators – especially with elementary school-age kids –is to do something fun with them after they finish their homework. My daughter, for example, loves to do dance shows for her parents. I say to her, “Come on and finish your reading, and if we have time later, you can do a dance show.” (Wow, do kids love attention!) You could try any of the following motivators: throwing the football or kicking a soccer ball outside; looking up funny videos online; playing dress-up; making art at the kitchen table; or watching a family show on TV together.

A simple punishment

Though using punishment is not as effective as using positive reinforcement, sometimes a benign punishment is necessary. If your child outright refuses to do their homework, it’s a fair consequence to send them to bed early. Say, “This is a choice you can make. I can’t control every single thing you do. You make your own choices. One choice is to not do your homework and go to bed now, and the other choice is to follow the rules, do your homework, and then you can chill out and watch TV later.”

Ultimately, try not to let yourself get too worked up or angry when your child refuses to do homework or read. If you’re a parent who also works out of the home, coming home to these challenges can be extremely frustrating at the end of a long day. When you feel yourself getting triggered and starting to go to that frustrated, lashing-out place, take a break by going into another room and then revisit the situation a half-hour later. After all, nothing good happens once both child and parent are upset.

Let’s admit it: It’s not easy to raise confident girls. There are so many negative influences in our culture which chip away at a girl’s sense of confidence: mean girls on the playground who exclude each other; older girls who spread rumors or exclude others to gain a sense of social power; and media influences which suggest that girls or women who show off their body and sexuality are the most interesting and desirable. As a parent of a young daughter, most reality shows which showcase female cattiness, obsession with shopping, and a proneness for showing as much of their bodies as possible churns my stomach. More than anything, we should want these two things for our daughters: that they be kind, and that they feel good about how who they are.

As parents, there are simple things you can do to help encourage your daughters to be confident and to like who they are. I will highlight some important activities you can encourage and statements you can make to give your daughter the best chance of liking herself through the various stages of school. It’s no easy feat to raise a confident daughter, but it certainly is possible!

Praise your daughter a few times each day – especially when she is a toddler or in elementary school – for good qualities you see in her.

If you want your daughter to like herself throughout her life, the best thing you can do is to remind her on a daily basis why you like and admire her. Praising girls is especially important when they’re under the age of ten because this is when the self-esteem foundation is set. I will share examples of behaviors you may see your daughter engage in that warrant a praising comment from you: playing by herself; playing nicely with someone else; reading; sharing something with someone; not giving up even when she gets frustrated; organizing something or putting something back where it belongs; remembering something which shows that she had been paying attention; and so forth. When you see her doing any of these things, regularly say, “I see the way you are [insert behavior] and I think that is so great that you are doing that.” Another example: “Wow, I am so impressed that you [insert behavior].” When you positively reinforce this type of behavior, she will keep engaging in that type of behavior in the future.

Never, ever criticize your daughter’s physical appearance or body.

The names of girls and women I’ve treated over the years who feel bad about their body or appearance could feel an entire notebook. Many females I know share that either their own mothers or mean girls at school made harsh comments about their appearance, planting the seeds for a lifelong battle with bad body image. Make it a priority to never, ever say anything negative or critical about your daughter’s body because she will not only never forget it, but she will also be more likely to make the same kinds of hurtful comments to her own daughter when that time comes. Tell your daughter at least once each week how pretty she is, and comment on specific things that make her feel good about her appearance: “I think you have the sweetest smile;” “I love your eyes because they are so pretty and gentle.” Quick note: If you do slip up and say something critical, do the honorable thing and apologize later. No parent is perfect but good parents try to repair any previous ruptures in the parent-child bond.

Have your daughter play team sports throughout the year.

The age of four or five years is a great time to start your child on organized sports teams. Some parents wait to put their kids on sport teams until they’re a little older, often because the child says, “I don’t want to,” or because the parent feels the child is too shy or timid. Yet it’s precisely shy or timid kids who need organized sports the most! Give your child a choice of many sports to choose from, and then tell your child that you’ll attend every practice and cheer them on from the sideline. If you have to sweeten the pot to get them to agree, tell them that they will earn a reward at the end of each sports season they finish, and let them brainstorm with you about what the reward should be. The bottom line is that sports allow girls to access their natural aggressive and competitive impulses within a positive, team-oriented environment.

Final analysis

Creating confidence in your daughters is an ongoing endeavor that requires many years of parental encouragement, praise and vigilance. Practice each of the interventions above and you will be providing your daughter with tools she’ll need to take care of and like herself throughout life.

To begin, let’s all acknowledge what a complex issue this is. When you have a baby, you’re typically overwhelmed with hope and positive fantasies about what your new child will become. When you’re pregnant, you rarely focus on the fear that your child could be seriously hyperactive. Drumroll…and then it happens. It happens to parents wealthy and poor; parents overly prepared and underprepared; parents who have doctorates and who have nothing but a high school education. Most importantly, it’s no one’s fault. Ultimately, you must trust that managing your child’s hyperactivity is possible, and that managing it well can produce a totally happy and productive child.

Quick background information: There are three types of Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder: Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Type, Predominantly Inattentive Type (trouble focusing but they’re not hyperactive), and Combined Type (trouble focusing and hyperactivity). Which type is your child? Only a licensed mental health or health professional can tell you the true diagnosis.

If you have a hyperactive child or one who has tremendous difficulty focusing, you probably monitored your child for a while and then finally took your child to be evaluated. For some parents, a teacher or physician tells them that it’s time for an ADHD evaluation. Once your child is evaluated, you are faced with a difficult decision: Should I medicate my child?

I recently conducted an assessment with a teenager who was suffering and who truly would benefit from psychiatric medication, but the idea of medicating the child was simply too much for the parent. In short, she wouldn’t agree to give her child a psychiatric medication. As a psychologist, I understood her hesitation but I also lamented the fact that her child will probably continue to suffer because he won’t receive one of the most effective interventions: medication.

Hesitation about medicating your child is understandable.

When I say that I understand parents’ hesitation to give their children psychiatric medication, it’s not lip service. Sure, most medications prescribed that treat ADHD are approved by the FDA, but who knows what the long-term consequences will be of medicating a child? No one truly knows for sure. I believe that the reason why parents should medicate some children is because medicating certain types of problems will prevent harm in other areas. For example, if your child is truly hyperactive, your child simply will not be able to learn at the same pace as other children without this disorder. Though you may not want to medicate your child, you also have to reconcile what you can do to make sure that your child is able to get educated optimally.

Is there one right answer? In other words, is it fair to say that medicating children is either unhealthy or necessary? No. One size does not fit all when it comes to behavior problems in children. The best thing you can do if you are struggling with this issue is to make a list of your questions and worries, and ask as many people as possible: your physician; family members who will not judge you; friends who have a good perspective; and school professionals.

A solution that might work for you

I have found in working with families that a nice compromise on this issue can include trying psychiatric medication for a month or two to see what kind of difference it can make. If your child, you, and school staff don’t notice any significant positive changes, it wouldn’t make sense to continue the medication. But if the changes are significant, it is worth weighing the advantages and disadvantages!

A quick caveat about misdiagnosis

Because ADHD is so commonly diagnosed these days, it’s possible that some of these diagnoses are incorrect. One recent study, for example, suggested that symptoms that look like ADHD in kids may actually reflect a sleep disorder instead (e.g., sleep apnea). Again, consult your doctor and add this to your list of questions.

Best Way to Test for ADHD

The most accurate way to test for an ADHD diagnosis includes the use of a neuropsychological, computer based Continuing Performance Test (CPT) in conjunction with questionnaires and a clinical interview.

The overall message

I believe the most important point for parents struggling with any parenting issue is for them to feel supported. Parenting truly is the world’s most challenging and delicate job, and conscious parents do everything they can to ensure that their child has the healthiest and happiest future possible. Regardless of how you choose to deal with this issue now – medicating or not medicating – the good news is that many children grow out of this problem. Children who were hyperactive or who had great difficulty focusing often become teenagers and young adults who are successful and who manage to live an overall happy and functional life.

Though some parents may have strong feelings about the notion of paying children to be successful, the issue is actually fairly complicated and worth exploring further. This is not an issue like, say, underage drinking, where there is no question that doing that is bad news and should be avoided altogether. But using money as a reward for investing seriously and pouring yourself into your school work? There are good and bad components when using this model of encouragement.

The ideal child performs well based on internal, intrinsic traits (independence, healthy competition), so the ideal child would always get good grades because that is the smartest and best choice to help secure future success. But we live in a different time where young kids are glued to electronic devices and kids play outside less than ever before. If your child isn’t naturally getting high grades (mostly As with occasional Bs, and nothing below a B), the good, attuned parent will set up a reinforcement or reward system to teach them the lesson of turning in a high quality work product. Critics say that children who get paid to do well will slide back to their old ways in the future when there’s no one there to reward them, but these kids may also learn the lesson themselves along the way.

Possible ways to frame financial rewards for grades

You can choose the amount of money that you will reward for an A and the amount for a B. You can also create another “bonus” if they get, say, 80 percent or higher of As (depending on your family’s financial resources). Is it ideal to bribe your child in this way? No, but what you are bribing them to do – get as good of grades as possible – is extremely important and valuable. Ultimately, it may be the lesser of two evils to pay your kids. One note I recommend is that your child should tell you what they will be spending their money on.

Is bribing or offering financial rewards for winning in sports or another activity okay, too, or is it different than financially rewarding kids for good grades?

I’ve heard of all sorts of unusual practices among parents as I watch my own kids’ soccer and basketball games. It’s astonishing how competitive parents get (yikes, myself included) as they root for their kid to dominate in the game and win. Sure, young kids are told to “Just have fun!” but school age kids very soon learn that sports are serious business and that it is healthy and normal to want to win, win, win. Perhaps a parent pays their teenager for every three-point shot the kid makes in the game, or pays the kid for each game he wins off his opponent in a tennis match. I have found that financially rewarding kids for this kind of success – winning in sports – is not the same as rewarding academic success. Sports are optional; learning in school is a requirement for life and entry into college, the foundation for finding a good job. In short, bribing kids to perform well in sports is not a good idea.

Rewarding children, in general, can be extremely effective and beneficial.

As a psychologist, I advocate setting up reinforcement systems with families I work with because it helps to motivate everyone involved. Rather than be so mercenary and pay for points or games won in sports, set up a reward that teaches another important lesson: not missing a single practice all season, or doing five or so extra hours of prep practice with a buddy. By rewarding the child this way, you are rewarding the consistency and perseverance they have shown, and these are fuels that propel success in the career world later.

Other Non-Money Rewards to Consider

As a rule, I’m not a fan of children under the age of ten walking around with money. They have the rest of their lives to use and worry about money, so during these young years, they should focus on being kids and not worry about the monetary value of everything they touch. For kids under ten, setting up other rewards can be just as meaningful and exciting: a weekend pass to stay up one hour later; hosting a sleepover party for one or two friends; choosing the Saturday or Sunday social outing for the family (the movies, the park, his or her favorite restaurant). More than anything, kids love having a c-h-o-i-c-e. For kids ten or older, rewards that take the form of money can be legitimate. When you give them money, it’s always a good practice to say, “Whenever you get any amount of money, whether five bucks or a hundred dollars, always let yourself spend some and then put some away to save for something you might want in the future. Let’s teach all our children a model of saving!

The good news about bullying is that schools and parents are more aware of the problem than ever, but the bad news is that it continues to happen every day. The key for parents is to know what the signs of bullying are so that they can step in when they believe their child may be a victim. When it comes to bullying, understand that bullies can be boys or girls; bullies typically span the ages of kindergarten to high school; and they come in every ethnic and socioeconomic demographic.

Your child desperately tries to avoid going to school.

Reality check: You were a kid once, too, which means that you probably had your fair share of days when you really didn’t want to go to school. Perhaps you even feigned illness a time or two, or skipped school on the rare occasion. When a child is getting bullied at school, he will do everything in his power to avoid it except to tell you the real reason why he doesn’t want to go. Self-disclosure alert: I was bullied to an extreme degree throughout my school years, but didn’t have the guts to tell my parents until I was about 16. Why? Because admitting it felt so humiliating. The number one sign that your child is getting bullied – aside from coming home with a busted lip – is avoiding going to school at all costs.

How to handle this problem: If your child says that she feels sick once in a blue moon, believe her. If you see a pattern where she says she doesn’t want to go for a couple weeks or even longer, ask her if she is getting bullied. If she says “yes,” let her stay home the day she tells you and talk about it. Then decide if you need to schedule a meeting with a guidance counselor at school to discuss next steps. In addition, ask your child if she wants you to find a therapist for her to talk to, and ask her to brainstorm with you about ways to make the bullying stop. Finally, do something extra nice and generous for her so that she knows how much you care. Even teenagers need a little TLC – as much as they deny it!

Your child seems withdrawn, overly anxious, or tearful for a few days or longer.

If your child is a teenager, you may see these signs when your teen has a romantic breakup. These signs are also often seen when a child is getting bullied at school. When you see major emotional changes that last a few days or longer, remember that bullying might be the problem.

How to handle this problem: I find that boys are more resistant to admitting it when they get bullied than girls, because boys are still socialized more than girls to be tough and to blow things off. Whether your child is a boy or girl, don’t ask them directly if they are getting bullied; that would be way too threatening. Instead, wait until you can engage in an activity with your child – cooking, driving, walking somewhere – to ask them. This technique avoids the ultra uncomfortable Locked Eye Contact which is especially stressful and uncomfortable for teenagers.

Your child asks you for money more than usual, or asks for larger amounts than usual.

Bullying is often motivated by a bully who wants the victim to give her money. You’ve heard people talk about bullies stealing milk money, but bullies these days may ask for more than the amount to cover a lunch. If your child asks you for money more than usual, one of the first things you should consider (aside from potential substance use) is that your child may be getting bullied.

How to handle this problem: One technique that helps parents talk about bullying with their kids is for the parents to share any of their own experiences when they got bullied as kids. Even if you didn’t get horribly bullied, it might serve a larger purpose to embellish your own history a bit. If your child is asking for money more than usual, odds are that something fishy is going on. The first thing you should ask about is bullying, rather than drugs, alcohol or anything else. In addition, this problem requires a call to the school guidance counselor. Trust me: Your call won’t come as a surprise because school staff respond to these parental concerns every single day.

The takeaway

If a child is getting bullied, there will be signs. Make a mental note of the signs above and you will be better armed to protect your child in the unfortunate event that a bully targets them at school.

More than ever before, actual mail that gets delivered to the actual mail box is rare. In fact, these days the only thing we seem to get in the mail are bills or cheap mailers promoting a new pizzeria or a dry cleaners. When it comes to giving gifts to children who are not your own – either the kids of friends or even nieces or nephews – do you expect a thank-you note in return? More importantly, do you get upset if you don’t get the proper acknowledgment? A good rule to remember with gift-giving is that you shouldn’t give a gift unless it is truly given altruistically, meaning that you sincerely want the recipient to have it. If you give a gift and get upset about it, it means that you are highly principled about certain social conventions. You practice them because you think it’s the “right” thing to do, and you have expectations about being acknowledged for your generosity.

What is a reasonable way for teenagers to say “thank you?”

Because the use of daily mail seems antiquated – especially to teenagers today to who have probably never had a reason to rely on it before – I have found that a reasonable social expectation for a teenager receiving a gift is to either write a thank-you note or place a quick phone call to say “thank you.” Because most teens won’t want to call another adult on the phone, they will usually opt to write the note instead.

The real problem with gift-giving

This issue is an important one because it brings to light a much deeper issue in our society today: So much of gift-giving is done out of a sense of obligation and not out of a sense of altruism. If you find yourself getting upset because someone didn’t acknowledge your gift, it means that the recipient – or the recipient’s parent – doesn’t assign the same importance to thank-you notes or acknowledgments that you do. Sadly, so many people give gifts not because they have the money or truly want to, but because they feel they should.

What to do after the fact – when a gift you have given was not acknowledged

I’ll share a personal anecdote that relates perfectly even though the situation I’ll describe is about an interaction with an adult. This past year, I left a gift in the mailbox for the mailman and never heard anything in response. Months later, I saw him as he delivered the mail and I asked him if he ever received it. He said that he did, but still he did not take the opportunity then to say “thank you.” For obvious reasons, I won’t be giving him another gift this year at Christmas, but my asking him about it was my way of communicating that I found it odd that I left a gift for him and never actually got confirmation that he even received it. If you give a gift to someone else’s child – regardless of whether it’s the child of a neighbor, coworker or even relative – be a responsible adult and deal with it directly. Send an email or make a call and say, “I wanted to check in because I never heard anything in response to that gift I gave, and I wasn’t sure if it he or she liked it or not.” By addressing the issue this way, you aren’t attacking the parent or child, but you are indirectly educating that parent about what your expectation is when you go out of your way to spend your hard-earned money on someone else. Hopefully, by communicating better with each other, we will all learn to frustrate each less and appreciate each other more.

What are night terrors? Good question! Night terrors are similar to nightmares but different in crucial ways. While most children have a nightmare from time to time, only 3-6% of children have night terrors. I can speak as a psychologist who treats them in other children and as a parent who manages them with my 9-year old son.

What night terrors look like

Night terrors are stressful and scary for parents, especially the first time it happens. The first time I saw my son having one in the middle of the night, I was totally freaked out and all my clinical knowledge flew out the window for a moment. Kids who have night terrors appear as if they are awake although they are actually in deep non-REM sleep. In the sleep cycle, the child is actually transitioning to another stage of sleep when the night terrors happen. Night terrors are physical, so you may see the child sit up and yell or scream, cry uncontrollably, or thrash in the bed. My son always makes the same verbalizations: “Oh my god, oh my God,” and he sounds absolutely terrified. This is the hallmark of the night terror: the child is in extreme distress and parents feel like there is no way to reach the child.

What parents shouldn’t do

I am sometimes hard on myself as a parent because I have this idea that I should know better because I am a therapist by profession. But so many experiences cause panic and stress in the parent, which causes all rationality and logic to momentarily escape. The mistake I made with my son’s first few night terrors was to try to talk to him and to get to the bottom of what was happening for him. “What, honey?” I would plead. “Tell me, what’s going on? It’s okay, you are fine. Tell me what’s happening!” Soon after I realized that nothing I said was getting through to him consciously, and perhaps the anxiety I felt was being transmitted to him, adding to the anxiety he already felt. In short, don’t try to “get through to” your child or to have a conversation when your child is in the middle of a night terror. They are basically asleep and they cannot talk to you as if they’re awake.

Techniques to help your child through the experience

The best thing you can do is to be there throughout the experience and help keep your child physically safe during the experience. Saying less is better, but you can pick a reassuring statement – say, “It’s okay, you’re safe, honey” – and say it quietly a few times. One trick that I use with my son that helps is to take his arm or leg and rub it, applying pressure as I rub. This can help to distract the child from the emotional experience because their body is experiencing physical stimulation. You can also try to rub his or her back or rub their hands and fingers if they will let you, but follow the child’s lead and let him or her move away from you if that’s what they feel like doing at the moment. Night terrors often last five minutes or so, and afterward, the child usually “comes to” and can see you and talk to you. Other times, the child will simply start to fall back asleep. Wait a couple of minutes after it seems to end as sometimes the terror can come back or there can be a little residual behavior that continues for a minute or two afterward.

Reminders for parents: manage your own stress

There is nothing wrong with your child if your child has night terrors. If the child functions well and gets good reports from school, trust that your child is okay. If the terrors are frequent (at least once per month or more), feel free to talk to your doctor and ask if he or she thinks it would be a good idea to go for a mental health appointment. (It never hurts to be too cautious.) Most of all, try to breathe yourself throughout the night terror to manage your own stress. The terrors last a short time, and you can go back to normal very soon!

Allowing your child to have the sleep-away camp experience is one of the best things you can do for your child. The experience offers so many important lessons and also gives overwhelmed parents a much-needed break. How old should your child be when you send him or her away for the first time? Keep reading and you’ll understand the most important factors to consider.

Kids sometimes need a break from their parents

Having dinner with a group of parents recently, the conversation turned to sleepaway camp. One parent shared how much she treasured the few days each year her child went to camp so that she could get a break. Another parent made a point I wish I had made myself: “You know, our kids probably need an occasional break from us, too!” Yes, it’s a lot to be the parent who manages all things children, but we must take a moment and think about what it’s like for our children to always be told what to do by the same two or three people (usually parents and a teacher). Giving your kids the chance to take a break from you for a few days allows someone else to be the manager so that you don’t have to be the master for once.

Teaching the importance of independence

Good parents want their children to become independent, even though it pulls on the heart strings a bit to see that your child might not always need you. When you send your child to sleepaway camp, your child faces a new social situation with a set of expectations and rules particular to that place. The experience overall requires flexibility and adaptability, and these are traits you want to start teaching early so that your child has some of these traits internalized by the time they are teenagers.

Why some parents don’t want their children to go to sleepaway camp

I know, I know: You love your children and would do anything to protect them. Many parents don’t send their kids away to camp because, they say, they are afraid of what influences they may be subjected to at camp. The truth behind this is actually about the parent’s fear and wish to control every influence their child experiences. Some parents will say they don’t send their kids away because they don’t think their child is ready, but it’s often actually the parent who isn’t ready to let go. Parents, give your children a few days each year where they get to experience the big, wide world in the safe context of camp. Your child will develop thicker skin and better social skills if you occasionally let them leave the nest for a bit.

How young is too young?

Most sleepaway camps have a minimum age of six or seven years, and having this standard is healthy and necessary. There may be five-year olds who want to go away for a week, but kids that age are still learning so many basic lessons that it’s better to wait a little longer. The first step is to ask your child if he or she would like to go to sleepaway camp. If your six-year old says yes – which both of my kids did – it’s worth giving it a try. Some camps offer sleepaway camp weekends as opposed to a full-fledged week. As a rule, I believe the best practice is to try sleepaway camp for two or three nights to see how they like it. (After all, a week is a long time to go away at six- or seven-years old.) If your child wants to wait a year, don’t push them and try again in a year. If you can’t find an option that offers sleepaway camp for a few days, call the camp of your choice and ask if you could try the camp for two or three nights. The point is to make your child feel like you are thinking first about their feelings, so if you have managed this, you will be doing your job as a parent.

Final tip

When you start thinking about sending your child to camp, first plant the seed by mentioning it a few different times over the course of a month or so. Next, check out the website for the camp and review it with your child. Finally, ask your child what kinds of things they would like to pack for camp if they decide to go. By following this series of steps, you will be setting the stage for one of life’s greatest experiences.