We’ve had lots of out-of-town company at our house these past two weeks, with children and aunts and all engaged in lots of activities. The Number One phrase that seemed to come out of people’s mouths the easiest was “Be careful!” That got me to thinking. Is “be careful!” the best thing to say?

Of course our motives are good. We see the potential for injury or breakage and a warning seems in order. But “be careful!” often doesn’t do what we intend. “Be careful!”  – when it does anything at all – seems confusing. That can’t be good.

First of all, “be careful!” isn’t very specific. If there’s a real danger, it makes sense to spell it out. “Be careful with that knife because it’s very sharp” not only gives a warning but tells what action the warning is about and why. But we often don’t say what a child should be careful about. We aren’t very clear.

Second, “be careful!” isn’t very instructive. It tells that there’s danger ahead but not how to avoid it. It would be better to say, “Be careful with that vase. It would be good to hold it with two hands.” This provides a pause in the action that gives a child time to reconsider the possible outcomes but also suggests a way to avoid disaster.

Third, “be careful!” limits a child’s actions. An active child is a learning child but “be careful!” cuts off learning. When our warning makes a child stop and wait for a grownup to do things for her, or makes a child stop and not try at all, then our warning keeps a child, not just safe, but little. Competence and confidence come from doing things. We have to let kids do.

This is the very reason why our “be careful!” often is ignored. Children want to expand their abilities. They are eager to try new things and become more capable today than they were last week. So even though we whine, “be careful!” kids laugh and do things anyway. “Be careful!” when it’s said over and over about even trivial actions loses its punch.

I’ve said that it helps to add to “be careful!” either what a child should be careful about or how to take care with whatever he’s doing. In addition, it helps to ask a child, “what can you do to stay safe?” or “what can you do to keep that safe?”  Asking a child to stop and consider both the danger inherent in an action and what he can do to be proactive in keeping himself or others safe does two good things: it signals our confidence in his ability to be safe and it inspires him to be responsible about planning for safety. Confidence coupled with responsibility is what we really want, isn’t it?

If you find yourself overusing the phrase “be careful!” try being more supportive of your child’s desire to become responsible and confident. See if your child becomes – instead of more reckless – more safe.

It’s the easiest thing in the world to comment approvingly on a little girl’s appearance. Many authors have warned against this, saying that telling girls they are pretty makes them focus on their looks as their only asset. These authors point out that boys are more likely to be complimented on their strength or cleverness than on their handsomeness. This is all certainly true.

It’s certainly true that girls are as capable of being strong and smart as they are of being physically attractive. It’s certainly true that all children – girls and boys – do well when they feel capable and powerful. Being a princess on a pedestal isn’t a good plan for life success. To the extent that parents’ comments to their girls are limited to compliments on their beauty, parents limit their daughters’ self-esteem and self-concept.

Limitations are never a good thing.

Which is why parents should not feel limited in any way in what they can say to their girls. Parents of daughters have been advised to never tell a girl she’s pretty or that her hair looks nice or that she’s wearing a lovely outfit. If you’ve been holding your tongue, biting back compliments and changing in mid-sentence from “you look nice today” to “you look nice…ly able to do anything you want!” then take heart. Telling your children they are good-looking is something they want to hear. Don’t hold back.

There comes a time in every girl’s and boy’s life when they question their attractiveness. Starting in the middle school years, children look in the mirror and see greasy hair, pimply skin, teeth that don’t quite fit their mouths, and gangly arms and legs. Adolescent bodies seem out of control. Kids are no longer cute and they’re not yet good-looking. This is a tough time.

Kids need all the armor parents can provide to get through the awkwardness of adolescence. They need to know their parents always have known they are pretty or handsome. They need to know they always have looked good. In addition to knowing they are smart, and strong, and kind, and funny, every child needs to know that the face they present to the world is appreciated and beloved.

So don’t keep your joy in your children to yourself. Let them know. Let your daughters know they are beautiful. Let your sons know they are handsome. Let your children know you love and appreciate everything about them.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.