When Parents Are Too Helpful

Your small child is trying to make a block stack and the blocks keep falling down. What are you likely to do?

1. Help her align the blocks so they balance better
2. Build the block stack for her
3. Do nothing.

Does it surprise you to know that “do nothing” is the choice that contributes most to your child’s development? It is. Letting children work out their own problems and stretch their abilities is the key to learning new things and to feeling a sense of accomplishment and pride. Quite often, “do nothing” is the very best action a parent can take.

Just standing by, letting a child figure something out, seems counter to “good parenting.” But, in fact, letting a child learn by doing is important. Yes, of course, building a block tower is something you could do easily. If the objective is to have a tall tower, then helping your child make the tallest tower possible might make sense. But that’s usually not the objective. In just about anything a child does, it’s the doing that is important, not the actual outcome. And the only way to learn how to do something is to try.

We parents do tend to change the agenda. We see the outcome, not the process. So when a small child is trying to climb the steps to the top of a playground slide, we believe that getting up to where the child can slide down is the point. But actually negotiating the steps themselves is satisfying. Do you doubt me? Remember when your child was learning to go up and down the stairs in your home? Getting to the bedrooms wasn’t the point. Just figuring out how to go up and down was.

The only time it’s sensible to help out is when the child is obviously frustrated and mentally stuck. At that time, it’s helpful to point out that the blocks will stack higher when the child starts out on a smooth surface instead of on the carpet. It’s also sensible to help a child frame the problem. The child who can get two blocks to stack can see if he can stack three. Three stacked? See if he can stack four… It’s not height that matters but achieving a bit more than before.

Standing by, “neglecting” to help, can get you criticized by other parents at the playground. They may think you’re not involved and then they might step in to provide the assistance you were being careful to avoid providing. A quiet word with such parents – “please let him figure it out… don’t worry, I’m watching him” – is called for in such a situation.

Some parents hover to the point of interference. They are actually limiting their children’s growth. In addition, they are teaching their children to give up early and lean on somebody else. You won’t do that.

You want kids who are persistent and resilient. You know that to develop your children’s confidence you must let them figure things out.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.