When your child isn’t getting a good night’s sleep, it usually means you aren’t either.  Whether your child is having a hard time falling asleep or staying asleep, one of the first steps is to make sure that you are practicing good sleep hygiene.  It’s a funny name, but “Sleep Hygiene” simply refers to the environmental and timing factors that help us fall and stay asleep.  Here is a short list of “Good Sleep Hygiene Practices” for your child or for you.

• Consistent sleep schedule.  Go to bed and wake up in the morning at the same time every day. Unfortunately, for some people, relaxing the routine on weekends can throw off their body clock for several days, so consider trying to keep bedtimes the same every day if you are having difficulties.
• Room Environment. It is helpful if your bedroom is dark, does not have a screen on, does not have much noise, and is a comfortable temperature. Check the bedding, too—personal preferences can make a difference in comfort.
• Pre-bedtime activities. Some activities help with sleep, like a warm bath, quiet times, books, and soft and soothing personal interactions.  Some activities make it harder to fall asleep, like watching TV, playing video games, strenuous exercise, stressful conversations, high energy games, or eating a big meal.   (FYI parents: alcohol and caffeine—including, sadly, chocolate, are shown to make sleep quality worse.)
• Pre-bedtime thoughts. What’s running through your mind as you lay in bed?  If it’s a list of to-do items or worries or upsets from the day, those unhappy thoughts can keep you awake, or stick with you at night and contribute to poor sleep. Try to gently guide your thoughts on to more peaceful matters.  Children will often need someone with whom they can briefly talk things out, or write them briefly in a journal, or tell their worries to a worry doll.
• The pace of your body.  Try to help your body to slow down and begin relaxing prior to sleep. A warm bath, peaceful and slow movements, sitting down for a quiet book or rocking or snuggling… Whatever we can do to help the body relax is likely to translate into better, higher-quality, easier, longer sleep.
• Throughout the day.  Make sure that your child gets time outdoors—natural light helps regulate our body rhythms.  Also, children need vigorous exercise every day—time outside to run around and play.  Some people find it helpful to limit activities done IN the bed (like watching TV or reading or playing) so that the brain automatically associates sleep with being in the bed.

Everyone’s body is different, so some of these items will be more important for you or your child than others—consider experimenting to find the ones that make the biggest impact.  Also consider sharing this information with your child and letting her choose which ones to experiment with first.  Children love having a sense of ownership over changes to their schedule and routines.  Good luck, sweet dreams, and sleep well.

If your middle school child wants to start dating, you might think twice. A recent study of teens living in northeast Georgia found that early dating interferes with school success and leads to other bad things.

The Healthy Teens Longitudinal Study followed over 600 students for seven years, from the sixth through 12th grades. It looked at frequency of dating in relationship to high school dropout rates and teacher ratings of study skills. The findings were published in the Journal of Research on Adolescence.

Some students never or hardly ever dated from middle school through high school and these students had the best study skills. Other kids didn’t date much in middle school but dated frequently in high school. A larger-than-expected proportion of kids – 38% – dated frequently from sixth grade on.

Throughout the study, students who dated more were rated by teachers as having worse study skills. The earlier and more frequently a child dated, especially starting in middle school, the more likely he or she was to have used alcohol or drugs.

The lead researcher speculates that early dating is just one aspect of a pattern of high-risk behaviors. She also suggests that the emotional complications of dating, including feeling jealous, feeling anxious, and being rejected or jilted, distract children from studying and cause depressive symptoms. These may be more than a middle school student can handle.

If your middle school student shows no interest in dating, count yourself lucky and don’t make the mistake of thinking he or she is “behind.” It makes no sense to push dating in middle school or even in high school. There is plenty of time.

If your middle school child is already dating, how can you dial things back?

1. Don’t call it “dating.” Call it “hanging out” or something else that emphasizes the casual nature of this friendship. Avoid labeling your child’s significant other as a “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” This is just a “friend.”

2. De-emphasize pairing-off. Don’t tell your child he and his friend make “a cute couple.” Don’t pose them for pictures together. Don’t engage in your child’s fantasies of love and marriage. Don’t let yourself become emotionally involved in your child’s romances.

3. Impose a curfew. Your middle school child and her friends should have an early curfew and you should always know where they’re going, how they’re getting there, and when they’ll be back. The more pest-y you can be the less glamorous dating will seem.

4. Talk about school, not about dates. Make certain that homework gets done, that your child is making good progress in his classes, and that he is serious about doing well.

5. Take seriously any hint your child has been introduced to drinking, smoking, or drug use. Early dating is part of a larger pattern. Any piece of the pattern can lead your child into trouble.

If your child is already dating and you think it’s too soon, say so. You might find that your child wants to quit but needs some support. Let your child know that it’s fine to go slow, to let himself be a kid as long as he likes, and to concentrate on his schoolwork.

Let your child know that dropping out of the dating scene – at any age – is fine with you.

©2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

I once knew a child who was “allergic” to new clothes. Not really, of course, but that was his excuse for not wearing anything new. With allergies on the rise, we parents can be forgiven for believing there could be a reaction to just about anything.

Many children (and adults) are allergic to pollen, which is most evident during the spring and fall. And the summer. And sometimes in the winter if there’s a Christmas tree in the house. Suspect a pollen allergy if your child has the sniffles and headaches but doesn’t seem to be contagious. Pollen allergies, and allergies to cats and dogs, dust mites and dander, are nuisances that crimp a kid’s style but aren’t generally more perilous than that.

A bigger danger is presented by food allergies and allergies to bee stings. Sensitivity to particular triggers may go undetected while slowly accumulating, until one day an exposure results in life-threatening anaphylactic shock. Less dangerous but no less surprising allergies can appear as a skin rash after a binge on a trigger food. This happens quite frequently during strawberry season, when the child who showed no reaction to the usual helping of berries breaks out in spots following a very large portion devoured when berries are in season.

Children under one year may show a reaction to even a single strawberry, or to eggs, honey, and citrus fruits. Waiting to introduce these foods can avoid creating an allergic reaction where one might not have developed. The top food allergies are to milk, eggs, wheat, peanuts, tree nuts, soy, and seafood. It is smart to also avoid exposing children to these foods at a young age or if there is a family history of food allergies.

Because some allergies can have such dire consequences, even parents of unaffected children must be aware of allergic reactions that might appear without warning or that might occur when a playmate is visiting. Any sudden difficulty breathing or severe rash deserves a 911 call. This is an emergency.

This is true also of asthma. Asthma is an inflammation, congestion and constriction of the bronchial tubes and related structures that makes it difficult to deliver enough oxygen to the blood. Asthma episodes can be triggered by cold weather, physical activity, and stress. The child who is wheezing and gasping in an asthma attack is naturally upset, which only adds to the problem. Children who have asthma are very likely to need medication to control episodes and may carry an inhaler.

While asthma, like allergies, may be hereditary, there is evidence that, like allergies, asthma can be caused by environmental exposure. Children who live in areas contaminated by dust mites or cockroaches, who are exposed to exhaust fumes and other air borne toxins, or who live with adults who smoke may all be prone to develop asthma. No child should be exposed to second-hand smoke but this is especially important for children with asthma.

Like allergies, asthma can develop over time, with the genetic predisposition aggravated by exposure to environmental triggers. Asthma is a lifelong condition that usually can be controlled with drugs.

Asthma and allergies share a lot of characteristics: both are triggered by the environment but both have a hereditary component. Both can be chronic conditions that are controlled by medication but both can be acutely dangerous, even life-threatening. Both are lifelong. While a child may seem to develop allergies or asthma where she did not exhibit the condition before, once these appear, they tend to be always present in some way.

The parent of a child with asthma or allergies may be tempted to coddle the child and exempt him from outdoor play. As much as possible, children with these conditions should be as active as any other kid. One doesn’t want to make a child an invalid but to support him in doing all he can and managing his symptoms effectively.

Allergies and asthma both seem to be on the rise. Nearly half of all children are allergic to something, according to federal officials, with the cause linked to everything from too much cleanliness to indoor air pollution to early exposure to antibiotics. And the incidence of asthma has doubled in recent years. So every parent – even parents of unaffected kids – needs to be aware of allergies and asthma and be alert to the possibility of an attack.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Here’s a problem that can happen in any neighborhood: a kid seems to be pretty much on his own. He hangs around your house a lot, seems unkempt and under-nourished. Maybe he doesn’t seem to have a curfew and no one appears to be looking out for him. Maybe he’s even bruised or injured in ways that don’t seem the result of just ordinary scrapes and bumps.

You think he might need some help. What should you do?

Well, a child like this might need some help. A large-scale study into Adverse Childhood Experiences, conducted by Kaiser Permanente and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, found that abusive and neglectful experiences before age 18 are associated with a whole host of bad things in later life. These are not the sort of adverse experiences that make the news. These are fairly commonplace experiences, like being yelled at frequently, being hit or kicked, being witness to domestic violence, and being raised in a family affected by separation, divorce, alcoholism, or incarceration. The study’s authors found that most people could point to at least one adverse experience in their early lives and many could point to more. The thing is, the more adverse experiences a child has, the worse the life outcomes.

Because the study was concerned primarily with public health, the outcomes of Adverse Childhood Experiences that were identified are primarily medical. They include high blood pressure, obesity, diabetes, pulmonary disease and heart attacks. Other studies have made the connection between family dysfunction and psychological problems and difficulty with employment and marriage.

Certainly, any child who is neglected or abused needs help. If this child is in your family room every afternoon, it’s up to you to do something to provide that help.

What to do?
• Provide respect, not rejection. The abused and neglected child already is uncertain about his self-worth. You don’t want to make it worse. Try to see the person behind the evidence of uncaring.
• At the same time, establish limits needed to preserve your own family’s well-being. You do not need to feed and clothe this child and no one is suggesting that you do that. Depending on the age of the child, you might be able to guide her in taking initiative herself for her own care.
• If there seems to be a serious problem, you must link this child to someone with the power to help. Talk to the school principal or social worker. These people are “mandated reporters,” meaning they are required by law to report instances of neglect and abuse. If you don’t feel the school personnel are being helpful, call your local office of child protective services. You can make an anonymous call, though if you can give your name you may be able to be more helpful.
• If the child seems to be in immediate danger, or if she has younger siblings that may be in more danger than she is, then call your local police. They will investigate and determine if the situation is serious enough to warrant action.

Do not ignore the child who seems forlorn. You’ll be glad you stepped in. Your actions might not only help the child now but provide him with a better, healthier future.

• © 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

From inside the house, outside often seems uninviting.

It seems too cloudy, too rainy, too sunny, too cold, too hot. Indoors seems so comfortable and easy. Going outdoors takes effort.

But going outside is important from several different angles. Make getting outside a must-do part of your child’s everyday life.

Fresh air and sunshine. Even your grandmother could tell you this: fresh air is good for you. Getting outdoors increases oxygen levels and energizes the brain. Sunshine – even on a cloudy day – delivers vitamin D, which just about everybody needs more of.

Exercise. Running around is what children do and there’s nowhere better to do it than out of doors. This is especially true if your child is more of a couch potato or a delicate flower who seems happy in the house. Something’s missing in your child’s life if she’s inside all the time. Get out and play!

Grace, agility and confidence. I understand: outdoor play is fine for athletic kids but maybe not for yours. I’d like you to reconsider that. Outdoor play contributes to the sort of elegance of motion and coordination every child needs. It adds to a child’s confidence in his physical abilities and adds a hardiness in the face of the elements that will keep him from being perceived as a wimp. Just because your child doesn’t like active play now doesn’t mean she won’t want to join in someday in the future.

New ideas. All that oxygen and fresh things to look at and to do spur creativity and thinking. The sensory experience of being outside – the weather, the birds, even the traffic – provide different things to think about from the indoor scene. A walk around the block recharges your child and you too.

Change of scene and a change of attitude. There is reason to believe that problems with attention and hyperactivity are linked to children’s disconnect from the natural world, according to Richard Luov, author of Last Child in the Woods. Even if your location is in the city, getting onto the sidewalk provides a link to what is universal and timeless in human experience. You’ll feel better for it!

It’s easy to make excuses for staying inside.
• The weather always looks worse from the indoor side of the window. Bundle up and get out anyway and you’ll likely find the weather isn’t so awful as you thought.
• Allergies are a problem but they shouldn’t be a stopper. Don’t let your child become an invalid over pollen. The benefits of an active outdoor life require management of allergies that lets kids be kids.
• Your child’s age isn’t an issue, since even infants benefit from a stroll outdoors.
• And remember that you’re never too busy to take the children outdoors. A few minutes out in the world will refresh you too. Pick a time that works for you – after school or after dinner – and stick to it.

Once you make getting outside a daily habit, you’ll come to expect it, even to look forward to it. Your children may be better behaved and healthier. Your whole family might be smarter.

There will be days you think, oh, I just don’t want to! Those are the days you need to get outside the most!

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Your child’s teacher has made it plain: she’s not ready to move to first grade next fall and needs another year of kindergarten. What now?

Probably you’ve been expecting this. You might have noticed that your child isn’t doing well and that she’s not performing at the same level as other kids in the class. If you haven’t – if the decision to hold her back a year comes as a surprise – then now is the time to ask some questions, in a nice way:
• What seems to be the problem?
• What did the teacher do this year to help?
• What will be done differently next year to move your child ahead?

It’s important that you remain calm. Getting all worked up doesn’t solve anything. You need more information and to get that, you have to ask questions and then listen – really listen – to the answers.

You need to know if the issue for your child is simply one of maturation, so that another year of the same sort of instruction is all that’s needed. But you also need to know if the issue for your child is something more complicated, so the solution might include more intensive remediation.

The answers you get will show you what you should do next.

If the teacher can tell you what sorts of difficulty your child has had and why, and if she seems to have a clear plan for getting your child on track next year, and if what she says makes sense to you, then probably things are in good hands.

If the teacher seems fuzzy about the disconnect between your child and the expected level of achievement, and can’t really say clearly what the problem might be or why another year in kindergarten might help, or if she blames your child, or you, or the curriculum, or the principal, or the size of her class this year, then it might be time to find another school. What you are looking for is professionalism. Your child’s teacher should be the expert. She should sound like she knows what she’s doing and takes responsibility for children’s success.

The kindergarten year is more important these days than it ever was. A good start in kindergarten reading, math and organizational skills sets the stage for success throughout elementary school and beyond. Kindergarten used to be optional. It no longer is. So if your child struggled in kindergarten this year, then making another try at it next year is probably a good idea, in the same school or a better one.

Being held back a year in kindergarten has fewer negative effects for children’s self-esteem and social skills than does being held back in any other grade. If a repeat will be needed, kindergarten is the time to do it.

Which brings us to the prospect of repeating a year in a higher grade. If you’re being told that your older child needs a repeat, then there is cause for concern. Certainly you want your child to be successful in school. You don’t want him to continue to fail, year after year. But being held back is a blow to just about every kid. The shame and embarrassment some children feel in being retained in grade can poison school for them. Even though they may benefit in theory from another year, in actuality they may never recover from the experience of retention itself.

For an older child, then, the suggestion that your child should repeat a grade should mobilize you to get outside help, in the form of tutoring or other support. Try to arrange with his school to have another evaluation made in the early fall, before a decision for grade placement is made for certain. Then work hard to improve his skills in the meantime.

The possibility of repeating kindergarten – or any other grade – is a reminder to keep on top of children’s progress in school from the very beginning of the year. It’s easier to fix things when a problem is identified early. That’s why your conversation with your child’s kindergarten teacher matters so much.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Most children are not naturally neat. Many things children like to play with are messy. But moms and dads – who likely work all day and have limited time for clean up would like to keep kids neater by letting them play only with un-messy things.

So how can you keep the house neat most of the time, while still letting children explore a variety of materials and play without worrying about the mess? Here are some tips.

1. Think ahead. Have a designated place for art projects, water play and other messy fun in a spot where the floor is easily swept and surfaces are washable.

2. Choose messy materials wisely. If you hate finding sparkly bits everywhere, don’t let glitter into the house. Choose sets of little dry water colors instead of an easel with open jars of liquid paint. Buy washable school glue instead of the regular kind. Fill a bin with dry rice instead of sand for kids to dig in – rice won’t ruin your floors the way ground-in sand will. If you need water to dip brushes in, choose a jar that’s heavy and low so it won’t tip over.

3. Teach how to use materials. Preschoolers don’t know. Show them how much glue is enough. Show them how to paint without dripping everywhere. Keep kid-sized aprons handy to cover clothes and show them how to roll up their sleeves.

4. Teach kids clean-up skills. Preschoolers love to use a small hand broom and a dustpan and they love to wipe up spills. Keep cleaning equipment and a trash bin close to your messy area and show kids how to use them. They won’t do so good a job as you and you’ll likely have to follow behind them with a more thorough effort, but it’s important that children don’t think only adults can clean.

5. Plan time for clean up. If it will take 10 minutes to put things away and sweep up, then stop the play 10 minutes ahead of dinner time or bedtime, not five minutes ahead or zero minutes ahead. Making clean up part of the plan helps ensure that the event ends happily, not with tension and frustration.

Few things are more important to a preschooler’s cognitive development than messing around freely with interesting things. They’ve got to get their hands dirty in order to figure out how things work and fine tune small muscles. You want your kids to play.

And now you know how to let them play without making a huge mess.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Here’s what happened. You got the letter that says your child was admitted to the Gifted Program (or the traveling team, or the best preschool in your town, or Harvard). You’re filled with pride, of course. But you know what will happen when your friends find out. Your bubble will be burst. Your joy will be overtaken by other people’s envy.

This doesn’t seem fair. Why can’t they be happy along with you? Why does their resentment have to ruin everything?

Well, of course, they could be happy along with you. This would be the noble thing to do. This is what you would do in their place, wouldn’t you? … Wouldn’t you?

Maybe not. Everyone wants his own child to shine. Everyone’s child deserves accolades. But there aren’t enough accolades to go around. And, quite frankly, most of the acclaim seems to go to the same kids, over and over.

The truth is that some children seem to attract awards like a magnet. The same kids who are in the gifted program win the science fair (of course!) but they also take the blue ribbon in the art show, land the leading role in the school play, are written up in the papers for their volunteer work, are voted the most-good-looking, and are the star on whatever team they play for. Some kids seem to have it all.

And that gets old after a while, for everyone else. Not only that, but there’s an odd thing going on: even if it seems like this is your child’s first award (finally!), other kids and their parents wanted it too. So even if it doesn’t appear to you that your child always wins, even one win can make others think he leads a golden life.

Competition does strange things to people. And competition involving what matters most to us – our children and their happiness – makes everyone act strangely. What can you do?

1. Talk about your child’s accomplishments only if someone else brings them up. Don’t volunteer the fact that Suzette took first in whatever she took first in. Wait for someone to mention it.

2. Be humble. When someone does say they read about Suzette in the papers, join in on the admiration but only in a wondering tone. If your child is amazing, let yourself be amazed.

3. Avoid comparisons. The moment you even think, “My child is so much better than your child” you’re doomed. This thought will be obvious to everyone.

4. Shut up quickly. Do not go on and on about how hard Suzette prepared for the competition, how things went against her early but she rallied, and finally how she pulled ahead and was bathed in glory. Don’t do it. Answer others’ questions and follow with a question of your own – about their children.

5. Be honest. Your child’s success really isn’t something you did yourself. Don’t take credit for it or puff yourself up over it. Accept others’ admiration graciously and with sincere thanks.

Be tolerant of others’ resentment. Be aware of others’ feelings. And if they never mention your child’s good fortune, it doesn’t mean they’re seething with envy. They might not even have noticed what happened for your child. They will have been caught up in their own children’s doings.

Finally, keep in mind that parenting really isn’t a competitive sport. Gold medals and letters of acceptance are wonderful but they don’t actually mean much in the long run. In the long run, it’s getting along with others that counts.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

It’s a situation no parent thinks will ever come up: one of your teen’s friends asks to stay at your house. Not just overnight but indefinitely. He wants to move in.

There are many reasons why this might happen. There could be some big issue going on with the teen’s parents, so that getting out of the way seems to him like a good idea. The teen himself may be having an issue with his parents, so that it’s your place or running away entirely. There could be something else going on, like a family move that will take the child away from his friends, including away from your own child. If you like this kid and if your child is lobbying on his behalf, you might be tempted to say “yes.”

In the Colonial era and even beyond, this sort of thing was commonplace. Adolescents were routinely apprenticed to someone, meaning they lived in a master’s household and learned a trade there, or they were farmed out to a relative who might introduce the teen to a career or put him to work in some way. This practice not only provided on-the-job training but it got children out on their own at the time when all kids chafe under their parents’ rule but it got them “out on their own” in an adult-supervised environment. The practice of teens leaving their own home for someone else’s has a long history.

Nonetheless, there might be good reasons to refuse this request. If you know this teen to be violent or to have trouble with the law, then taking him in takes in this baggage too. If he has problems with drugs or alcohol or has an unsavory reputation, then he will bring his issues with him. If you have any reason to suspect that your own child is uncomfortable with this kid or that his presence in your home will create issues with your other children, the answer should be , “no.” Help him connect up with your local runaway hotline or other resource but realize that you need not give in. You might feel uncomfortable turning him away but your first responsibility is to your own children and their wellbeing.

If you are inclined to agree to let this child shelter under your roof, then your first move is to talk with him. Why does he need to leave his home? Find out. If this child refuses to have a conversation with you about his issues, then you will have a difficult time making things work.

Second, make certain his parents know where he is. You need a phone number, you need names. If something happens to this kid, you need to know how to get hold of his family. Understand that you may have some legal liability but you have few legal rights in this situation.

Third, establish daily expectations. If you expect him to go to school every day or to find a job and go to work, then make that crystal clear. If you expect him to be out of the house at a certain time in the morning, do his own laundry, chip in for groceries, be in by a particular hour at night, set it all down ahead of time. You are not running a hotel. Make it clear what the rules are.

Finally, set a time limit. Even if you think you’ll be happy to have this kid around forever, set a date at the very start to revisit things. Make the first date soon after he moves in, then later dates at intervals that seem reasonable. Remember to check with your own child too, to make certain he thinks things are still going okay. Have an exit plan in place – some next stop your boarder can make if you need him to move on.

Even though you might think this situation is unlikely, it’s more common than you think. It’s a situation that happened to me. I took the friend in and he lived with us for a year. I’m not sorry I did it. But it was a big decision and the request was completely unexpected.

If you have a teen, this request might be coming your way too.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.