Articles Archive - Page 80 of 91

Kim Estes, expert on child safety, relays this incident from a mother, who wrote, “I recently had to stop play dates between my child and a schoolmate when I discovered that the child’s mother had not once, not twice but three times had either asked my child to keep a secret or had offered to ‘not tell your mom’ about something that had happened on a play date.”

Would you have done the same? Is the impulse to keep secrets from you so serious a problem it’s a reason to limit a friendship?

Well, yes. And here’s why. Anyone who asks a child to keep a secret is asking the child to lie. Obviously, this is a problem. In addition, someone who asks a child to keep a secret is teaching the child to practice deceit and trickery. This is confusing to child who in all innocence doesn’t see her parents as “the enemy” or as people from whom she needs to conceal what she’s doing.

Children keep secrets, of course, and the older the child the more secrets he will have from you. Just as you have secrets you don’t share with your children – or even with your best friend – so will your older child or teenager grow to distinguish between facts she wants to share and facts she wants to keep private. This ability to edit information for various audiences is an indicator of her growing social sensitivity and it usually doesn’t mean your child has anything earth-shaking to conceal.

But it’s different when the child who would share something with you is required not to. Sometimes a child is coerced into silence by a playmate who threatens to end their friendship if the child tells. Sometimes a child’s impulse to be truthful is held hostage by a friend’s parent or older sibling, who implies that telling will bring shame and unhappiness down on the child’s head. Embarrassment and shame are keen emotions among elementary school kids. The threat of exposure – even of something the child doesn’t understand was improper – is a powerful brake on your child’s conscience. Anyone who asks your child to keep something “our little secret” doesn’t have your child’s best interests at heart.

And that’s the real danger. Even though the first secret your child is asked to keep from you may not be very important, the second might be. This is how child sexual abuse is perpetrated and this is how kids are introduced to pornography, drugs, and shoplifting. Children are easily led. They go along with something unwittingly, then find themselves committing to secrecy. Parents who said they never knew are parents whose children swore never to tell.

You want to keep the lines of communication open. You want your children to believe they can tell you anything, anything at all, and you won’t go ballistic. You want your children to be able to look a would-be conspirator in the eye and think to themselves,

“No, I can’t keep this quiet. My Mom and Dad will want to know.”

Angry faced toys are nothing new. You might remember The Incredible Hulk action figure and other grim-faced heroes and villains from your childhood toy box.

But angry-faced Lego figures are new, according to a study from the University of Canterbury (England). Researchers there catalogued 628 different mini-figure heads manufactured by Lego between 1975 and 2010. They then asked 264 adult volunteers to rate the emotions each face represented, including the intensity of emotion expressed.

The study found that the variety of emotions these tiny heads displayed increased starting in the 1990s. Before that time, all Lego faces could be characterized as “happy.” Since the 1990s, however, faces displaying anger, sadness, disgust, surprise and fear were added to the mix, so that happy faces account for only about half of the minifigures Lego creates today.

The question, of course, is does this matter?

Lego playsets are made to be assembled, of course, but they also are intended to be played with in pretend scenarios. Pretend play is considered an essential part of child development, for working through real life situations in a safely imaginative context and for development of problem solving skills. Most pretend play revolves around some sort of conflict for just these reasons.

So having the option of angry faces added to the Lego play might actually be helpful. It might support pretend play in ways that happy-only faces cannot. In fact, some Lego heads actually sport two faces, with two different expressions, so a child can rotate the appropriate face into view as needed.

But, if you are concerned, if it seems that your child’s pretend play (with Lego or other toys) seems morbid or cruel, here are some suggestions to consider.

1. Monitor the content of television viewing, video game play, and reading materials. A child will reenact in play scenes she witnesses that are disturbing or confusing. In addition, a child without other play scenarios to draw on will naturally draw on whatever she remembers most vividly.

2. Pay attention to your child’s social relationships. The child who is being treated badly by peers or adults may act out this treatment in pretend play. In addition, a playmate who has been exposed to programs or games that are too mature for him may use these as the basis of pretend scenarios he plays with your own child.

3. If you object to a particular toy for any reason, do not buy it for your child or permit her to buy it with her allowance. Objectionable toys received as gifts can be returned for something more suitable or put away until your child is older.

Variety in Lego faces may be a good thing but even at worst it’s probably not a bad thing. It seems to reflect our growing willingness to be more honest with our children and to accept that being a child isn’t always sweetness and sunshine.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.

Two studies that surfaced this week point to poor air quality as a trigger for children’s bad behavior. One points to second-hand smoke as the air pollution culprit. The other fingers pollution from automobile traffic.

A Canadian study followed children who were exposed to second-hand tobacco smoke in their early childhood years. The study found that these children more than kids who lived in smoke-free homes grew up to be aggressive and antisocial.

The study looked at over 2,000 children from birth to age 10 and compared their exposure to second-hand smoke to their teachers’ and the children’s own reports of their behavior. According to the study’s main author, “Those having been exposed to secondhand smoke, even temporarily, were much more likely to report themselves as being more aggressive by time they finished fourth grade.”

This result was obtained regardless of whether children were exposed to smoke before birth. This is a key finding, since many mothers give up smoking during pregnancy but return to it after children are born. Many parents and grandparents smoke in the home or in the car when children are present. As the study pointed out, even temporary exposure matters.

The second study, conducted by the University of Cincinnati and Cincinnati Children’s Hospital, found that early exposure to traffic-related air pollution leads to high levels of hyperactive behavior at age 7.

Children were followed from birth for seven years, at which point parents were asked to rate their children’s behavior. The results were compared to whether the families lived close to or far from a major highway or bus route. Parents’ reports indicated that the greater the exposure to traffic-related air pollution, the more likely were children to be diagnosed with ADHD, attention problems, aggressive behavior and other difficulties with social interaction.

The study’s authors noted that about 11% of the U. S. population lives within about 100 yards of a four-lane highway and that 40% of children attend a school that is a quarter-mile or closer to a major roadway.

Moving to the country may not be possible for your family. But these two studies point up the importance of being aware of everyday toxins and to limit children’s exposure to these. It’s important to be aware of toxins, not only before birth, when everyone is on alert for the baby’s health, but throughout the early childhood years and beyond.

These studies also point out that children’s behavior is influenced by their surroundings. It doesn’t occur in a vacuum. When seeking solutions to behavior issues, smart parents pay attention to even seemingly unrelated possibilities. Even to air pollution.

No. The quick answer is “no.” But summer is a good time to adopt a pet and if your child wants a pet, you might be thinking that now is the time. Before you bring a pet into your household, here are some ideas to consider.

1. A pet is not a toy. Since a pet is a living being with needs and feelings, it comes with responsibility for meeting those needs and for treating the animal with respect. It will require your help in integrating it into the family.

2. Your child is not old enough to manage a pet on his own. No matter how old your child is, the responsibility of pet ownership cannot all be on your child’s shoulders. Giving your child this responsibility is unfair to the child, who is not equipped to handle it, and unfair to the pet, who deserves better than a child can provide.

3. All pets bite or scratch if they’re not treated well. Teach your children how to interact with the animal in ways that are not startling or scary to the pet. Model kind treatment. And never leave your child alone with a pet. No animal is 100% safe.

4. Take responsibility for training your family pet. No pet knows what you want it to do or how you want it to behave unless you teach it. Take the time to learn how to train your pet and then take the time to do that training. Remember that training a pet is an ongoing experience (sort of like raising children!). It’s something that’s never really finished.

5. Consider starting small. If your family has never had a pet before, then consider starting with a hamster or gerbil. These are self-contained in aquarium-like enclosures and require minimal daily care, but they are cuddly and fun. A cat requires a bit more maintenance and attention than a “pocket pet” but is still fairly self-sufficient. A cat will require playtime, grooming and regular veterinary care but can be left alone during the day without too much concern. A dog is high maintenance, requiring daily attention, exercise, grooming, and training. A dog may feel anxious if left alone all day and can comfort himself by chewing on things. A house with a dog will need to be “child-proofed,” at least until the dog understands his limits.

Pets are wonderful fun and they add an important dimension to a childhood. But having a pet in the household works only if you understand what you’re getting into. It’s important to realize that this is a family pet, not your child’s pet.

All that being said, summer is the perfect time to add the perfect pet to your family.

It’s pretty well-established that being happy goes along with being healthy. Having a positive attitude, even laughing every day, has been linked to everything from more friends to fewer colds. A new study in Psychological Science offers a clue why this is… and suggests that keeping your children happy may be the secret to keeping them healthy.

The study worked with middle-aged adults. It began by recording participants’ activity level in the central nervous system responsible for regulating internal organs, heartbeat, and emotional activity. Participants were also asked to keep track of their emotional highs and lows and their level of social connection for two months. During that time, half the participants were enrolled in a program intended to increase their level of happiness and well-being.

Researchers found that study participants who got the boost to their happiness levels also reported more pleasant emotions and greater connection to others. Not only that, a retest of their body systems showed they were more healthy and better functioning. Participants who received the happiness training were also more physically active, ate better, and indulged in fewer bad habits than they had before. Being happy acted like a vitamin, boosting overall emotional and physical well-being.

What does this mean for us? Well, of course, this is just one study and the participants were not children. But boosting children’s feelings of happiness doesn’t cost us anything. And it just might pay off with better behavior and even better health. What does being happy mean to a child?

It doesn’t mean getting everything he wants. That’s not happiness. For children, being happy means feeling capable and confident. It means being treated with respect and warmth. It means knowing that someone cares very much. Happy children are children whose parents pay attention and are happy people themselves. Happy children come from happy families… and, it seems like, healthy families as well.

Along with the usual daily vitamins, make sure your children get a big dose of the most important vitamin of all – happiness. This vitamin H might be exactly what the doctor ordered for good development.

Students often want different things in a college than their parents want—close to home vs. far from home, big vs. small, liberal arts vs. pre-professional. If your family is having some disagreements about just exactly which schools should be on the college list, here are a few things to keep in mind.

1. Understand that some level of disagreement is normal.
There’s nothing wrong with students and parents being on different pages in the college search. Sometimes you might feel like you’re in different universes. But you can manage the disagreement a lot better if you acknowledge that nobody is doing anything wrong. Recognize that college disagreements are normal, and try to listen to each other’s opinions even if you disagree with them.

2. Remember that for now, students are just applying.
Deciding where to apply is completely different from deciding where to attend. This is one of those seemingly obvious facts that can completely change your mindset when you consider it. I would never suggest that a student apply to any college that her parents will never, ever allow her to attend. But students apply to college in the fall of the senior year and typically don’t decide which college to attend until the end of their senior year. A lot can happen in those 5-8 months. So for now, pick your battles and consider managing your disagreements by allowing some schools you might not agree on to earn a place on the list.

3. Students have to earn the right to take the lead.
Parents aren’t going to college—the student is. And the most effective college processes happen when parents back off and let the student take the lead. But students have to earn that right by being engaged in the process, researching schools, and giving this choice the time and attention it deserves. When a student takes an active role in investigating, visiting and discussing colleges, her parents will be less likely to step in and make the choices for her.

No athlete wants to sit on the bench and that includes your own children. But with summer upon us and a whole host of sports heating up along with the weather, it’s time to remember that there are times when sitting on the sidelines is the smart thing to do. If your child suffers a head injury – even what seems like just a minor knock on the noggin – taking a break from the action can save not only her sports career but her academic career as well.

New guidelines published just two months ago by the American Academy of Neurology require that “any athlete suspected of experiencing a concussion immediately be removed from play.” The key word here is “suspected.” The symptoms of a concussion include:

• Headache and sensitivity to light and sound
• Changes to reaction time, balance and coordination
• Changes in memory, judgment, speech and sleep
• Loss of consciousness or a “blackout” (but this happens in fewer than 10 percent of cases)

Except for loss of consciousness, none of these key symptoms is likely to be observed on the field. They will become evident only later. So parents and coaches have to exercise an abundance of caution. “If in doubt, sit it out,” said Jeffrey S. Kutcher, MD, from the University of Michigan Medical School.

Any time your child or teen “has his bell rung” – either on the playing field, in a fall off his bike or skateboard, or at any other time – it’s important to see a doctor. Dr. Kutcher reminds young athletes, “You only get one brain; treat it well.”

Old-fashioned concussion grading systems are no longer adequate and adults who grew up using the old checklist may not realize it’s been replaced with a protocol that’s more individualized and more conservative. There is no longer any timeline for safe return to play. Each player must be evaluated individually.

An athlete who has a history of one or more concussions is at greater risk for being diagnosed with another concussion, meaning both that it’s the active kids who bump their heads but also that one concussion increases one’s vulnerability to more. In addition, the first 10 days after a concussion is the period of greatest risk for being diagnosed with another concussion. This indicates that kids are getting back on the field or back into active play more quickly than is sensible. Keep in mind that no helmet – for bicycling, football, or another activity – guarantees protection from head injury, but kids should wear their helmets and those helmets should fit well.

Usually one concussion has no lasting effects and this leads adults to dismiss a head injury as unimportant. But concussions add up and subsequent accidents can lead to impairments of memory, motor coordination, problem solving ability, and even emotional control. Younger individuals are even more vulnerable than adults. Athletes of high school age and younger (and this includes non-athletes too, of course) take longer to recover than college athletes.

My high school age son flew out an open gym door during an afterschool skateboard session and landed – on his head – on the concrete steps outside. This sort of thing can happen to any kid, even yours. To make the ending a happy one – as it was for my boy – parents have to take action and treat head injury with all the seriousness it deserves.

That usually means sitting on the bench, maybe for the rest of the season. But better that than being intellectually and emotionally benched for the rest of a child’s life.

A recent study at the University of North Carolina found that children’s distrust of new foods can be accounted for by their genes. In fact, a whopping 72% of pickiness appears to be inherited from Mom and Dad.

These findings mimic earlier findings with older children and adults. But the participants in this new study were kids like yours: children between the ages of four and seven.

So. This explains your everyday mealtime hassle quite a bit. However, as researcher Myles Faith explains, “genetics does not equal destiny…. This doesn’t mean that we can’t try to get children to accept new foods.” It just might take a while.

It may take 14 or 15 exposures to a new food before a child accepts it – even longer if he or she is “neophobic,” or cautious of new things. Parents usually don’t give a new food that many tries before giving up on it. (And after 15 tries with a problem food, a child may be older and more adventuresome. As one of my nephews once said of broccoli, “Taste buds change!”) So simply continuing to present new foods and not making too big a deal about it when a child rejects it (again!) is part of the process.

At the same time, it’s important to simply present new foods and not apply too much pressure to try them. A study in 2006 found that preschoolers introduced to new soups ate more of soups they weren’t pressured about and less of those they were strongly encouraged to try.

In addition, the remaining 28% of pickiness is accounted for by what researchers call “environmental factors.” These include mealtime distractions, like the television being on, informal meals instead of sit-down dining, and other upsets. Controlling these may help children eat more at dinner time, even if they still reject some of what they’re served.

While you’re waiting for your child to grow into more reasonable eating patterns, just remember to serve as much variety as she will accept, including lots of fruits and protein, and as few sweets as possible. Eventually, she’ll become more accepting of new foods – or, like Mom or Dad, maybe she won’t!

A recent study found that three-year-olds know all about sharing. They just don’t want to do it.

Preschoolers were given stickers and then were asked if they would share them with another child. The usual answer: “No.”

But these children knew the importance of sharing and, in fact, they hoped that other children would share stickers with them. They were quite aware that sharing is the right thing to do. But they hated doing it. In fact, they knew from the start of their conversation with the researcher that they had no intention of sharing. They intended to keep all their stickers themselves.

Three-year-olds just don’t like to share.

Instead, they like stickers. They really wanted the stickers the researchers gave them and they wanted to keep all of the stickers they could. They hoped to get more. Stickers, stickers, stickers. They couldn’t bear the thought of giving them up.

Older kids, about age 8, were happy to share. Even if they liked what they had, they understood that the fair thing to do is to share. They said they wanted other kids to be happy.

So there are a couple pieces of good news here. First, young children are quite capable of understanding the idea of sharing, even if they’re not very good at doing it. This means that parents should continue to teach young kids how to share and to support them when they do share.

Second, children do grow into acting with more fairness and compassion. Even if they seem selfish and greedy as three-year-olds, by second grade children will likely be nicer to each other and act less like hoarders.

The bad news is that learning to share takes time. Like most skills, it takes time for children to master sharing and to be able to consider others people’s feelings. Parents shouldn’t feel frustrated or embarrassed by their preschoolers’ struggles to share but should continue to offer opportunities to practice.

It might help, too, to ask three-year-olds to share things they are not passionate about. Eight-year-olds are a bit less-invested in stickers than preschoolers are. Asking a child to share the sand in the sandbox, instead of the best shovel, may get more compliance with a lot less fuss.

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