A lot of parents tell me they’ve tried using logical consequences to manage children’s behavior but with not-very-good results. They can’t figure out why this supposedly fool-proof method doesn’t work for them. Usually it’s because they’re not using it correctly.

Logical consequences was popularized by psychologist Rudolf Dreikurs in the 1940’s and 50’s. Dreikurs’ most famous book on child guidance, Children: The Challenge, emphasized developing children’s self-discipline and self-control in a supportive parenting environment. According to Dreikurs, logical consequences allow children to learn to limit themselves without putting parents in a controlling role.

So why do many parents struggle to make this work? It’s because they have trouble letting the Universe be their child’s teacher.

Logical consequences is effective because it’s impersonal. Nobody inflicts punishment or teaches anybody a lesson. In fact, in a logical consequences situation, the parent can sympathize with the child and share in her disappointment in how things worked out. The parent is not the disciplinarian. But giving up this role is hard for many moms and dads.

Here are four principles to keep in mind that will make logical consequences work better for you.

1. The consequences have to be logical. They have to arise from the situation and not be something created by the parent. So a logical consequence of leaving your jacket out in the rain is that you have to wear a wet jacket (or no jacket). It’s not a logical consequence if leaving your jacket out in the rain results in no dessert tonight.

Parents get frustrated here because if their child has another jacket to wear the consequence doesn’t bite hard enough to suit the adult. But if leaving a jacket out is no big deal, then it’s no big deal. That’s logical.

2. The consequences have to be immediate.  Especially for young children, who have such an imperfect understanding of time, an effective consequence has to activate the moment a mistake was made. Throwing a block at the wall leaves a mark, which the child must work to fix – now. Staying home on Saturday from a planned trip to the zoo in order to fix the mark on the wall is not immediate and so seems disconnected from the act of throwing a block.

Parents delay consequences because stopping everything to let the consequence have its effect is often inconvenient. But teaching children is always inconvenient. It would be so much easier if they already knew everything!

3. The consequences have to be neutral. Consequences are not good or bad, they just are. Trying to make them worse or more dramatic than they have to be inserts into the experience a parent’s wish to punish. But once you take sides, you’re lost. This is not logical consequences then but just an elaborate method of exerting control.

Staying neutral in the matter of consequences is not easy for most parents, who are afraid that their child is “missing the point.” But again, if you have to jack up the consequence in order to make it more noticeable, then maybe the whole thing was no big deal to begin with.

4. Your role as a parent is one of lending sympathy. If your best friend left the top of her convertible down and then it rained and ruined the upholstery, you wouldn’t say “I told you so! I told you to watch the Weather Channel!” No, you would say how awful that was and wonder along with her how much it will cost to fix things and where she might find a good person to do the work. Your role with your child in a logical consequences situation is exactly the same.

If you have to be “right” and point out how you could see this coming but your child was too thoughtless and pig-headed to listen, then your problem is not one of discipline but a problem of good manners. Be nicer!

You might see now where you’ve been applying logical consequences in ways that pretty much guaranteed failure. You might also understand that this technique is really a way of seeing yourself and your child. It’s a valuable method that leads to good child outcomes. But for most parents, it’s not easy.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

If your teen is heading away to college in the fall his or her impending departure might start to dominate your thoughts. This is a big step for both of you. Here are some ideas to help this be a step in the right direction.

Buy only what is necessary. You naturally want your child to feel loved and cared-for. But that doesn’t mean that you need to outfit his dorm room with every possible color-coordinated gizmo that marketers tell you he’ll need. Avoid going overboard here and let him tell you what he’s discovered he really needs after he’s settled in. You will spend enough on books and fees anyway to more than prove your affection.

Don’t worry too much about her choice of major. Most college students change their majors at least once during their undergraduate programs, so trying to steer her into one major or another now is premature (if you went to college, check back: did you end in the major you started with?). And there is reason to believe that choice of major is no guarantee of employment after college – or of difficulty in finding employment after college. This big decision is one that should be hers and hers alone.

Help him read the fine print. Many colleges and universities these days have degree deadlines: a student in a bachelor’s degree program may be allowed only four years from start to finish. This means that students have to be on top of things from the start, wasting no time in taking courses that are needed for every major. Often, such courses are hard to get in to, since everyone needs them. Help your student understand the rules and regulations. Make sure he knows how to find his academic advisor.

Understand the limits of your role. My oldest son startled me by answering my inquiry about his first-quarter grades by saying that he didn’t have to tell me what his grades were and he wasn’t going to. And, of course, he was right. Colleges cannot by law share information about your student’s grades and her professors and advisors not only don’t want to hear from you, they cannot talk with you. Your teen also doesn’t have to tell you anything she doesn’t want you to know and it’s not nice to try to make her do so.

Realize that the kid who comes home for Thanksgiving is not who you dropped off in the fall. Going away to college is a huge step in growing towards adulthood. The child who comes back for the first visit in November has lived for three months on his own, making his own decisions, managing his own affairs, learning how to be independent. He’s not the same person you used to know. And that’s good. That’s what you want. It’s just hard to remember that sometimes.

If your child is living at home instead of going away, all the same ideas apply. But you as her parent may have to work harder to avoid managing her college life. College is important because of what your teen learns and that includes everything she will learn outside the classroom. The smart parent makes certain their college-bound teen has the advantage of using this rich experience to become more adult.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Have you said “Hello” to your child’s teacher yet? If the school year is underway where you are, then this should have been the first thing you accomplished. If school is starting soon, make it a point: introduce yourself, make a pleasant first impression, wish the teacher well.

Here’s why. Your child’s teacher has at least 20 kids to manage – probably closer to 30 – and you want your child to stand out in a good way. You want your child’s teacher to believe your kid comes from a nice family that supports education. No matter what high jinx your child gets up to in the first few weeks of school, the fact that the teacher feels she knows you and knows that you’re an interested parent will help your child receive the benefit of the doubt.

Being a teacher sometimes feels like being under siege. There are pressures from the district and the building principal. Some parents are on a teacher’s case from Day One. And, of course, the children are not all little angels. When your child’s teacher understands that you are a reasonable person she will be more pleasant on those times she has to call you up to tattle on your kid. She will not feel that she’s going to get an argument from you. She understands that you’re on her side.

And you should be. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with the teacher on every point. But it does mean that when you disagree with a teacher’s decision, you work with her to try to sort things out. Disrespect rubs off on your kid just as much as positive involvement does. Remember that your child’s success in life as well as in school depends on his showing up, doing the work, and treating people well. Model that at the beginning of the school year by introducing yourself to your child’s teacher and saying nice things.

Support your child’s school and his teachers. Go to the school’s fall open house and attend every parent-teacher conference. When you can, volunteer. Parent involvement in a child’s school rubs off on the child. It’s a consistent contributor to children’s school success.

Rate Your Involvement

Think about the last school year (or if your child isn’t in school yet, remember your own parents’ involvement when you were a kid). How much positive involvement did you contribute?

Number of parent-teacher conferences you attended:  None (0)    One (1)    All of them (2)

Number of parent-teacher conferences your child’s other parent attended:   No (0)     Some (1)    All of them (2)

Number of times you volunteered at the school:  None (0)     Once (1)     Lots (2)

Number of times you attended a school event (like a play, art show, football game, pancake breakfast or whatever):  None (0)    Once (1)    Lots (2)

Number of times you called the principal to complain:  None (0)     Once (1)     Lots (-1)

Number of times you called the principal to give praise:  None (0)     Once (1)     Lots (2)

Number of times you called a teacher to complain:  None (0)     Once (1)     Lots (-1)

Number of times you called a teacher to ask about your child or to ask if you could help:  None (0)     Once (1)     Lots (2)

Add up your points. How did you do? If your score was between 11 and 14, then you’re a real contributor. If your score was between 6 and 10, then you’ve an involved parent – good for you! But if your score was just 5 or less, then you could do a lot more.

Make this the year you step up.

 
(c) 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Traveling with children under three is a challenge. Here are some thoughts to help your entire family have a good time with as little stress as possible.

1. Start Small. Start with a visit to a homey destination only a few hours away from home. Traveling to Grandma’s works fine but you can also choose a hotel with a kitchenette. Bring along that movie you’ve been wanting to watch and lovely snacks for you and your partner, since you might not get out on your own after baby goes down for the night.
2. Choose Electricity. A trip out with baby might work best with all the comforts and resources you’re used to.  While some hardy parents take their babies camping, you might find this works better when the kids are a bit older, more able to say when they’re too cold, and less likely to eat sticks and rocks.
3. Consider Trains. If you don’t want to drive, see if Amtrak can get you to a good get-away. Some advantages over car travel are that both parents are available to help with the child and there’s more room to move around – especially lovely at the squirmy toddler stage.
4. Take Only What You’ll Need. Every town has a place to buy diapers, formula, juice boxes and snacks. While you’ll want to have a day’s supply of everything, you probably don’t need to take a week’s supply even for a week-long adventure.
5. Take Only What You Can Lose. Of course you’ll need to take your child’s security object but try not to take anything else that can’t be replaced or is easily broken.  Be sure to take an extra hat, pair of shoes, and spare jacket for your child, since these are the things that tend to fall out of a stroller without making a sound.
6. Don’t Worry Too Much About Crying. If you’re traveling by air, there’s not much you can do if your baby starts crying at takeoff and keeps it up long into the flight. Apologize to your seatmates but let their snide comments roll off you. Ditto for crying in the hotel room.
7. Keep Your Toddlers Under Control. While babies can cry on an airplane, toddlers cannot wander the aisles, kick the seat in front of them, or generally carry on. Bring along whatever sure-fire toys, DVDs and snacks will keep your little person happy. Make keeping her happy your mission on the flight – you didn’t bring along anything you wanted to do, did you?
8. Remember Naps. Plan your sightseeing and visiting around a reasonable nap schedule. But your child may find napping difficult when you’re away from home, so a stroller or child carrier and a long walk through the countryside might need to become a daily pleasure.
9. Choose Destinations Wisely. There is plenty of time to take your child to your personal-favorite theme park or that big city restaurant you’ve heard so much about. If your child is too young to have a good time there, then you won’t have much fun either. Better to wait.
10. Be Determined To Have Fun. Your mother said it best: you have to make your own happiness. A good attitude will ensure you have a good time. But make certain before you go that you’re on the same page with your child’s other parent, especially about who gets to wrangle the kids.

Babies are wonderfully portable and toddlers nearly so. There’s no need to wait until your children can run away from you to take them on vacation. Just think ahead a little bit and the whole family will have a lovely time!

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson.  All rights reserved.

Other articles you may be interested in on Family Travel

• • • • • • • • 9 Travel Tips for Families
              • Planning a Family-Friendly Road Trip

You’re busy. There’s a lot on your plate and a lot on your mind. But recently you’ve realized that you spend very little time with your child. That doesn’t seem right.

If you’ve noticed that you get your child up and out the door to child care or school, pick her up at night, get her dinner, and pop her into bed, over and over every day of the week… then it may have occurred to you that someone else is raising her. You’ve discovered you don’t know her very well.  Not only do you not have much quality time with your child, you don’t have much quantity time either. What can you do?

Many parents are caught in this dilemma. You’re not alone. But you’re correct in thinking that it’s important to make a change. Research has demonstrated that making time for your child at every age is important for all sorts of growth, from vocabulary to values.

Here’s how to get more kid-time in your day.

1. Schedule daily 5-minute conversations. Write these into your calendar. Make certain they happen and time yourself if you have to so these sessions last the whole 5 minutes. Start with at least three of these: one in the morning before you leave the house, one when you first see each other in the afternoon, and one before your child goes to bed. Keep these appointments without fail for three weeks – for a full 21 days.

2.  During these 5-minute conversations, make your child your focus. Do not talk about things you want him to do, or things he’s done wrong, or how your own day has gone. Talk only about him and whatever he wants to talk about.

3. If you have more than one child, talk with each child three times a day for at least 5 minutes at a time. Talk with your children no matter how little or how big they are. The older your children, the more you need to keep the lines of communication open through friendly, everyday interactions.

Some studies have shown that even though parents these days spend more time in childcare than they did 10 years ago, this time is taken up by care-and-feeding, including driving kids about and witnessing their sporting events. Many parents spend scarcely any time at all actually talking with their child about casual topics. If you talk at least 15 minutes each and every day about things your child wants to tell you, you’ll be conversing with your child more than many other parents do.

Naturally, it’s fine if your conversations run longer. It’s great if you talk with your child more than three times a day. In fact, that’s the whole point. The more you and your child talk – about things your child wants to tell you – the easier it will be to talk about all sorts of things.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

It’s a dilemma that comes up for many parents of four-year-olds this time of year. Should they start their child in kindergarten even though his birthday falls just before the cut-off date? He will be one of the youngest kids in the class. Does it matter?

It matters to moms and dads. The opportunity to give up childcare, including childcare fees, in exchange for public school represents a huge financial gain. Many four-year-olds already know how to read or do math so why not start as soon as a kid is eligible? Surely the school is prepared to work with young fives as well as with older kids.

Well, yes. Schools will tell you they’re happy to take the just-barely-five-year-olds. But statistics on grade retention tell a different story. A new study from the University of Missouri finds that the youngest kindergarteners are five times more likely to be held back for a second year of kindergarten than their older classmates.

Grade retention, even in kindergarten, is a serious matter. It’s not only embarrassing for children and their parents, it creates in children an early sense of incompetence and failure that can follow them throughout their school careers. The most consistent predictor of high school drop-out is being too-old for the grade. Children who are retained are, by definition, too old for every grade following the year in which they were held back. The hurt of repeating kindergarten or any other grade lingers, along with the stigma the child faces from teachers and school administrators.

The range of ages in kindergarten is as great as a full year. Children who were born on September 2^nd and turn 6 as soon as the school year starts are in the same classroom as children born on August 31^st who are just barely 5. Researcher Francis Huang points out that “older kindergarteners can have as much as 20 percent more life experience than their younger classmates.” This means that teachers must adjust instruction to accommodate this gap. Yet, according to Huang, “only a small number of teachers modify classroom instruction to deal with a diverse set of students.”

Other factors besides age affect a child’s chances of being held back in kindergarten. Huang’s analysis found that children who are noticeably shorter than their peers are more likely to be retained but that children who have strong executive processing skills, including the ability to pay attention and persist on difficult tasks, and who show eagerness to learn, were less likely to repeat a grade.

What does this mean for you, who may be pondering kindergarten entrance this year or next?

1. As you make your decision, consider your child’s maturity, size and overall readiness in addition to her age. Remember that kindergarten these days is not so relaxed as you might remember it. Is your child old enough mentally and emotionally to meet the stresses of “real school”?
2. If you have a choice of schools, make your choice with your child’s needs in mind. Find a school with smaller class sizes, a child-centered attitude, and a less-pressured concept of academic achievement. One of my granddaughters, an August-birthday-girl, is enrolled this year in an alternative public school with multi-age groupings, small classes and a no-homework policy for kindergarteners. Look around if your child is younger and see if you can find something similar.
3. Consider waiting a year. Even though your four-year-old may be ahead of his preschool friends in reading and math, he’s still just four. Other kids in his kindergarten class will be just as smart and an entire year older. If you can wait a year, this might be the best thing to do.
4. If you must start your young five in kindergarten despite counter-indications, be prepared to be extra supportive this first year. Be ready to volunteer in the classroom, to provide your child with extra help as needed, and to reduce your child’s commitments to sports and other extracurriculars. Concentrate on having a happy, successful kindergarten year.
5. Keep in mind that being the youngest and smallest won’t be just a kindergarten thing. This will be your child’s place throughout school, including in middle school, high school and college. Being smart isn’t the only thing that matters. Fitting in matters a whole lot more!

Getting off on the right foot in education is an important accomplishment. You want your child’s kindergarten experience to be as fun and validating as it possibly can be.

Take a long hard look at your child and then make a sensible decision for your family.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

If you and the kiddos will be in the car for hours at a time this summer, it pays to plan ahead.

Here are 10 tips to make the drive more pleasant for everybody.

1. Seatbelts every moment. Of course you strap your children into the car… but sometimes, when the miles drag on, you might be tempted to bend the rules so a child can lie down or grab something from behind the seat. Don’t do it! The seatbelt rule not only keeps your children safe but it keeps them in their designated places. Bring pillows for sleeping sitting up and stop to retrieve things from the way-back.
2. If you bring media players, bring headphones. Not everyone wants to hear every moment of a Wiggles DVD or every note of Taylor Swift’s newest album. In fact, bring headphones (or earplugs) even if you don’t bring media players… being able to shut out the world can make for a more peaceful trip.
3. Keep snacks high protein. If you offer cheese sticks, nuts, or salami your children will be hungry less frequently, will be less thirsty, and will avoid the blood sugar peaks and valleys that have unpleasant effects.  Avoid candy, cookies, and chips, if for no other reason than that these are messy and will make your car look like a disaster hit it.
4. Make water the drink of choice. If it spills, no worries! Save the juice, milk and soda for restaurant meals.
5. Plan to stop every 90 minutes. Get out your map and figure out the places to get everyone out for 10 minutes. Figure out where there will be toilets, where there will be some grass to run around or a town to walk through. Then do stop.
6. Pack a ball, a Frisbee and some Band-Aids where they’re easy to get to. On those stops, having a few toys and immediate access to first aid can make all the difference.
7. Give each child a map. The older the child, the more detailed the map – your preschooler may only have a piece of paper with Home, Beach and a few landmarks marked in between. But knowing that progress is being made – that we’re getting closer to getting where we’re going – is part of a happy journey.  Bring crayons or pencils too, so that kids can mark the route.
8. Bring audio books. Reading in the car can make kids car sick but listening to books can be more satisfying (and take longer) than just watching movies. If you don’t bring media players, bring a classic book on CD that everyone might enjoy (Charlotte’s Web? The Hobbit?) and play it on the car stereo.
9. Avoid toys with built-in problems. You know the ones: toys that are too difficult make go, toys with small parts that might drop on the floor, toys that are worth snatching from your brother just to hear him yell, toys you’ll have to go back for when they get left in the restaurant, and toys that require throwing or hitting or that make annoying noises. Pack them if you must but don’t let kids play with them in the car.
10. Lay out positive ground rules. Tell your children what you want to see and hear (don’t tell them what you don’t want). Make the expectations clear and short-term. So say “Let’s be nice to each other and talk in friendly voices from here to the first stop. The first stop is Springfield. Here’s where that is on your map.” Then praise when you see and hear what you want. When you get to Springfield, reset for the next leg of the trip.

Remember that you’re taking children on this trip, not just more baggage. Think about what has gone wrong on previous car rides and plan around those. Help the trip to be about the getting there as much as it is about the destination and you’ll all have a great time!

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All right reserved.

Other articles that may interest you on Family Travel

• Planning a Family-Friendly Road Trip
• 9 Travel Tips for Families
• Ten Tips For Traveling With a Baby

Yay for summer vacation!  Are you planning a trip with your family somewhere this summer?

If so, here are a few tips for making things go a little more smoothly.

1. Remember that when you bring your kids, it’s a “trip,” not a “vacation.”  You’ll still be working plenty, so set your      expectations accordingly.  (Travel is work for kids, too, btw.)

2. Plan some down-time for every day.

3. Are you staying with friends or family?  Then plan ‘away-time,’ where just you and your immediate family are together, maybe even every day.  Also, consider exchanging some info with your hosts ahead of time, like the rules of their house, and your kids’ sleep habits, etc.

4. Consider planning individual, away-from-your-kids time if you and your partner can swing it.

5. Expect some behavioral regression.  Being away from home, eating strange foods, constant novelty–these things are fun but wearing.  Do yourself and your kids a favor and don’t worry too much when/if they happen.  Stay calm, and switch to Plan B (downtime).

6. Talk with children ahead of time about what will happen on the trip, including the good and the bad.  Explain what they are likely to encounter at the airport, or the lines at Disney, or how Grandma’s house has breakables.

 7. Give kids a basic daily agenda each morning (“Today, we are going to take a boat tour, and see Uncle Mike, and walk through a big park”) so they know what to expect.

8. You set the tone for emotion.  Try to project a calm, flexible, adventurous vibe when things go wrong.

9. Make sure to leave yourself at one day after your trip to recover, before anyone has to go back to work/school/routines.  More is better if you can.

Family trips are the stuff that memories are made of, and this list will help to make sure the memories are great. 

Bon Voyage!

Other articles that may interest you on Family Travel

• • • • • • • • Planning a Family-Friendly Road Trip
              • Ten Tips For Traveling With a Baby
              • Flying with Small Children
              • Road Trip! Ten Tips for a Happy Backseat

One way to tell if a child is learning something is to notice what he loves to do. That book your child reads over and over again is providing something needed, even when you can’t tell what it is. That obsession with Pokemon, with Lego, and even with collecting pretty rocks all are indicators of what a child is working through and mastering, behind the scenes.

So what’s going on with lemonade stands? Why do kids love them so, even when sitting behind a card table on the sidewalk on the hottest day of the year seems so very boring to Mom and Dad?

As Michael Lemberger, writing in Slate magazine recently, points out, the typical lemonade stand doesn’t provide a lesson in business. Parents often donate the lemonade fixings, including cups, a pitcher, the water and the lemons (or more likely the lemon-flavored powdered drink mix). They also donate the booth set up and yard space. They mop up the mess. So unlike a real business, there are no costs associated with a lemonade stand. It’s pure profit.

And customers set a pretty low bar for the lemonade itself, paying far more for a glass of tepid Kool-Aid than they might for an ice-cold drink made from freshly squeezed lemons. So learning how to run a business isn’t part of the fun. That’s not really what kids are learning. And that’s not why they love to run a lemonade stand.

It’s not even about the money, though certainly money figures in. Lemberger says that his children were delighted with the success of their lemonade stand, even though he insisted they donate all of the cash they took in to charity. Kids for whom lemonade stands have the greatest appeal – children of about 6 or 7 years old – don’t have a good grasp of economics to begin with. They are just beginning to figure out what their allowance will buy.

And this, I think, is where the appeal of a lemonade stand begins. Children who set up and run a lemonade stand get to handle money. It seems so grown up. They may have to make change, which is certainly a stretch for many of them. They get to count their money and even divide the earnings among the group who participated.

In addition, setting up a lemonade stand is a project. It requires planning and cooperation, even delegation of jobs between partners. It requires skill in dispute resolution and group problem-solving. It requires imagining a customer and what that customer needs to see in order to stop and buy. A lemonade stand takes the preschool housekeeping corner to the next level. It’s no longer pretend.

Under the watchful eye of adults who stand in the living room window, monitoring the situation, children who run a lemonade stand are managing their own affairs, interacting with the public, and learning how to handle unexpected difficulties. This is huge. This is exciting because it’s a challenge. This is why lemonade stands are such fun.

So this summer, even though you know the lemonade will taste awful and the kitchen and yard may become a mess, do let your child and her friends have a lemonade stand, at least once. If not a lemonade stand, then a used toy sale or some other event. The point is not the money or learning how to run a business, so stay out of things as much as possible. The point is in the doing of it.

This summer, be sure to let your child do.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.