With the long structured school days coming to an end, children have their sought after freedom from constant direction and the pressure of adult time schedules. After the initial newness of vacation wears off, cries of boredom may become a parent’s latest undoing.

What happens to you when you hear, “I’m bored. What do I do?” after days and months of getting-out-the-door struggles and frustrated cries of, “I don’t want to go to school.” Is it tempting to say, “Aren’t you ever happy? All year you complain that you never have any free time and now you do and you’re bored.” Do you feel resentful and come out with things like, “I’m not your social director. Figure it out for yourself.”

What does it mean to feel bored? There is nothing that has to be done, nothing that is compelling you to act. You lack motivation and interest in the present moment, you may feel restless and agitated. Let’s face it, for most of us, boredom brings us face-to-face with ourselves, which can allow space for any number of unpleasant feelings and realizations. We spend most our time making sure that doesn’t happen. We add activity to activity, we become workaholics, we stay plugged into computers, ipads or cell phones, or we dull our senses with drugs, food, or video games. We make sure we never have to be alone with ourselves.

Boredom has a bad rep. Most of us think being bored means we’re lazy, lethargic, inactive, selfish, dull, not taking responsibility for all that needs to be done. So when our children complain about being bored, we feel angry, irritated, and resentful because we see them in this same light, and may even feel at fault for not raising better worker bees. We slip right into thinking they are lazy, can’t think for themselves, won’t do anything on their own, can’t come up with any number of things we can think of that they could or should be doing. When we define boredom this way, we logically feel frustrated or annoyed and thus react in any number of ways that put our children down, send messages of inadequacy, or simply express our impatience and irritation—a logical outcome when believing there is something wrong, misguided, and undirected about a child who feels bored.

But what if that’s not the case? What if you thought how wonderful it was that your child has the opportunity to be bored? Think of the possibility in boredom. Isn’t boredom a necessary precursor to creativity and invention? Think of what there is to be discovered in the depths of boredom. Inspiration needs emptiness to breed. It rarely comes out of constant doing. When a child feels inspired, accomplishment follows organically.

Meditation is the act of stilling the mind so the present moment can be experienced. Most of us don’t stop long enough to be in the present moment, notice what is in front of our eyes or appreciate the sounds and smells and feelings of right now. In allowing boredom, you are granting the experience of the present moment—even if it’s filled with frustration.

When you think you have to come up with activities or create some kind of stimulation for your child to keep her busy, you enable her dependence and are in fact sending a message that she is incapable of taking care of herself. By taking responsibility for filling her time, you interfere with her own creative process and ingenuity.

Imagine if your response to “I’m bored” is, “Oh, you are so lucky. What a great thing to feel bored. Amazing things are about to happen. You’ll come up with something, I know. When you do, let me know. I’ll be interested to hear what that mind of yours invents.” Think what you are setting in motion! Think what message that sends to a frustrated child. The frustration will morph into something quite different. Maybe not immediately, but soon enough.

Unfortunately, many children will still have little time to be bored if they continue in structured care throughout the summer. And with technology ever present, children don’t get the opportunity to be bored. All the more reason to set parameters around screen time from an early age so that video games and texting are not the only fillers when there is nothing else to do.

Try spending time doing nothing with your child. Try, “I really want to do absolutely nothing right now. Will you do nothing with me?” Then go sit on the porch or cuddle on the couch and just be. Focus on what you can observe right then. There might be a bird neither of you would have otherwise noticed or bugs in the grass that inspire wondering. Let your child know how wonderful it can be to be bored—oh, the possibilities. Boredom is a luxury of childhood. Make sure it is allowed on a regular basis.

Now is the time to make some decisions to keep the kiddos busy and safe when school is out.

According to a survey from the American Express Spending and Saving Tracker, last year U. S. families spent an average of $856 per child on summer activities. Two kids? That’s over $1700. And that was last year. Last year’s expenditures were up 40% over the previous year. If this summer is also up by the same amount – 40% – you can expect to pay, on average, about $1200, per child.

That’s about $400 per month in June, July and August. About $100 per week. Not exorbitant by any means – what would you charge to watch a group of seven-year-olds for 10 hours a day every Monday-through-Friday? In fact, you certainly could find programs that cost a whole lot more. But when you see the entire cost for even an inexpensive summer all upfront as a lump sum, and then multiplied by the number of children in your household, that cost represents a real hit to your budget.

That’s assuming you can find suitable activities for your kids. If you’ve already reserved your children’s summer camp slots, you’re not worried. But if you haven’t got things line up yet, realize that your options are shrinking fast. Let’s think about this, right now.

You and your children have several broad choices.

• You can stay home with them and spend only what you like for occasional movies, games of miniature golf, and swimming pool fees.
• You can hire someone to stay home for you, paying that person plus whatever he or she needs for occasional movies, games of miniature golf, and swimming pool fees.
• You can send your children to any of several sorts of childcare programs, including day camp, sleep-away camp, and summer school.

What to choose?

Face the fact that each of these costs about the same. If you stay home with your children, you are “paying” whatever wages you lose by not working full time yourself, as well as paying the incidental costs of fun activities. Paying a babysitter frees you up to go to work, but incurs costs for the sitter as well as for those fun activities fees. Paying for organized away-from-home activities seems the most expensive on paper, but that’s because all the costs are visible up-front. Camp experiences, especially day-camps that are in your own town and run by your local park district or YMCA, may actually be more cost-effective than they first appear.

So your choice is less an economic one than one of safety and suitability for your child.

Safety should be your Number One consideration. Whether you choose an in-home sitter or a park district day camp, make certain that the people who actually interact with your children are well-trained, mature, and experienced. Often “camp counselors” are teens not much older than your kids, are paid just minimum wage, and are quite variable in their ability to see dangerous situations, intervene in cases of bullying and intimidation, and manage individual issues as they come up. You can luck out and get a real gem of a camp counselor or in-home babysitter, or you can wind up with a situation that creates real headaches, for you and your children.

Do your due diligence. Check things out. Ask for references and call them before you choose. And act quickly. The best-run programs and the best babysitters will be booked solid soon.

Second to safety but also important is suitability for your children. You want your children to be happy with whatever arrangement you choose. You don’t want daily issues with kids who complain about going, who make excuses to keep from going, or who cause caregivers to call you midday with issues your child is having. Pick a summer situation that fits your children’s age and maturity level, their interests, and their need for physical activity, friendship, and guidance. The independent kid needs a different situation than the more retiring child. While it might be great to drop all your kids off at the same place each morning, the same place may not be the best option for each of them.

If you hire an in-home sitter, find someone who can adapt to each of your children. It’s not helpful to hire someone who is great with toddlers when your oldest child is nine. As a parent, you know that keeping children of different ages engaged and happy at the same time isn’t easy. Find a babysitter who is up for this challenge.

Naturally, there’s no better in-home sitter than yourself and no one who is safer or more suitable for your kids than you are. If you work full time, see if there is a way to flex your schedule so you can have more time this summer with your children. Can you work a four-day week so every Friday is your kid-day? Think creatively. You and your children will be happy you did.

Whatever you decide to do this summer, the time to get things figured out is now.  If the snow is gone, summer is right around the corner!

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

As the school year starts up, you might be wondering if you want to send your child at all. Maybe your child has special interests or challenges that you think the school isn’t doing well with. Maybe you’re concerned about throwing your sweet preschooler to the public school lions. Maybe you’re just reluctant to let go.

Whatever your reasons for considering it, home schooling is an idea most parents kick around at least at some point in a child’s school career. Here are some facts to help you sort out your options.

Home schooling is legal in all 50 states, though each state has its rules and regulations about who may teach and what must be taught. In many states, one may not, for example, teach children other than one’s own. If you want to set up a school in your basement for your own children and the neighbors’ kids, there is a whole different set of hoops to go through. So it pays to check out the rules in your state and make sure you can comply with them.

Second, realize that teaching is a full-time job. That’s why there is a job called “teacher” that people are paid to do. No one will be paying you but you still will need to work at this full time. So understand the responsibility you undertake when you elect to homeschool your child. It really isn’t enough to let your child learn on her own from whatever interests her. She needs to know the basics of reading, writing, math, science, and all the rest, whether she’s interested or not. A good teacher can inspire interest and can help a reluctant learner master difficult subjects. If you homeschool, you have to be that good teacher.

There are commercial homeschool curriculum packages you can buy that might help. Most of these seem pretty limited in scope and not very individualized. If your whole purpose in homeschooling your child is to preserve his natural abilities and interests, then a packaged curriculum might not do the job. There are also a growing number of online schools that are accredited in each state. These might be appropriate especially if you and the kids are doing a lot of travel or if there are other circumstances that make it difficult for your child to be around other kids. Online learning requires good computer skills, of course, and a fast Internet connection – and a lot of self-discipline.

Third, understand that for most kids school is where their friends are. Going to school every day is a way to connect to their peers and learn how to get along with them. Remember that your child’s peer group represents the people he’ll be around his whole life. These people are important to him. In addition, school offers kids opportunities to work in groups, accept the authority of adults who are not their parents, and learn how to resolve conflict and get along. It’s the real world. Much though we want to shelter our children from harsh realities, it’s a disservice to deny them chances to learn how to cope.

Homeschooling is a viable option for many families. It might be the right thing for one of your kids but not appropriate for another. It’s an option that has to be evaluated carefully, with eyes wide open and with complete understanding of what is involved and what is at stake.

Homeschooling done well can be very successful. Homeschooled kids are accepted at colleges at the same rate as other students and there are no downsides. Homeschooling done poorly constitutes neglect.

If you’re thinking of homeschooling your child, plan carefully to do it well.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Parents sometimes think that they can wait for the “Big Talk” about puberty and sex until their children are 12 or older. Experts say that’s not the healthy choice.  Children learn the information better, and ultimately make healthier choices when their parents start early talking about these topics, and do so many, many times.  Your best goal is to create the kind of relationship with your child where you can talk about this just as you can talk about anything.  So look for ways to have lots of little conversations about puberty—and use these tips to help make the most of your conversations.

5 TIPS FOR TALKING WITH YOUR KIDS ABOUT PUBERTY

1. Make sure you are relatively up to date on the facts. Did you know the average age for girls to start the pubertal process is 10.5?  Boys, on average, start at 11.5. The first changes happen in the brain (hormones,) but do you know the first physical signs? There are many good resources for information, here is one online source: http://tinyurl.com/8ff64av
2. Remind yourself that puberty is normal, natural, and good.  Try very hard to convey that attitude to your child while talking about this topic.  No shame, no grossness, no embarrassment—it’s a natural part of life that everyone goes through.
3. Practice saying some of these sticky things ahead of time.  Stand alone in front of the mirror and say things like “penis, vulva, menstrual fluid, blood, breasts, ejaculation.”  If it makes you uncomfortable just to read those words, trust me it will be much harder to say them to your child—but you really need to be able to! Practice until you can do so fairly naturally.
4. Purchase a book for your child to keep in their room, so that they can access the information privately whenever they want to.  Here is a book I like a lot, for both boys and girls: http://tinyurl.com/8s4jbxj
5. Look for talkable/teachable moments.  Sometimes life hands you a golden invitation to talk—take advantage!  Perhaps a scene in a TV show has sexual content—press pause or ask a question during the commercial.  Start a conversation about what you both just saw.  Or, perhaps another kid during carpool says something that makes your ears perk up.  Take advantage of your great opportunity to listen and collect data, and then circle back later to follow up with your child privately.

But most importantly, remember that the most important thing is to focus on the parent-child relationship.  Make talking about bodies, puberty, and sex just one more healthy part of your nurturing, connected, consistent, and communicative relationship.

Many children—and many adults, as well—handle challenges and transitions better when they have an advance notice about what’s coming. If they can see the challenge ahead, they can get a running start, so to speak, and it can make a really big difference in how smoothly things turn out. There are many reasons why this helps, but one big one is that our brains just simply work better when we are calm and peaceful.

I regularly advise parents to have “Heads’ Up” conversations with kids, about matters large and small. It’s an effective and loving way for parents to help kids stay in their highest selves, their most peaceful and cooperative and problem-solving selves. It also helps demonstrate to children that in a small but important way, their life is a safe and manageable one. Not everything in life will go their way, but they can be secure in knowing that scary or bad things aren’t always lurking around the corner, waiting to surprise them.

Some examples of things that children often respond better to when they have some advance warning:

• The end of TV time (or computer time, or a playdate, etc.) “In 5 more minutes, it will be time to turn it off.” (or “After this show is over…”)

• A new rule that the family is going to follow. For example, parents might tell their child that the family is going to start turning the TV off during meals, starting tomorrow. (or, starting with today’s dinner in 1 hour.)

• A change in schedule. For example: “We have always gone to the library on Tuesdays for storytime, but now it will be on Wednesdays.”

• A change in personnel. For example: getting a new babysitter or school teacher, or who is the person who picks the child up from xyz activity.

• A future disappointment. For example: “Honey, I know you were really looking forward to playing with Bridget tomorrow, but I just found out that she won’t be at the party.”

• Higher expectations. For example: “In the past, whenever you forgot your sports uniform at home, I would bring it to school for you. Starting tomorrow, if you forget it, I will not make a special trip and you will have to handle that with your coach.”

It’s important to note that knowing about transitions or bad news in advance doesn’t prevent sad or mad or worried feelings. Kids will still have their feelings. But, they will often have them in a more peaceful, appropriate location, with someone (you) who is ready for those feelings and more able to stay peaceful, compassionate, and supportive in the face of those feelings. And those little details can make a big different in the long run—for both a peaceful child and peaceful parent, and a loving and cooperative parent-child relationship.

The plan will fail if you fail to plan. I bet you have heard this phrase before. If you are like many parents, you are busy with children, their activities, and homework. Perhaps you work, or maybe you are busy with housework and volunteer activities. Regardless, time given to others is time taken away from planning and preparing meals for a family.

We all know that good nutrition is the cornerstone of healthy, growing kids. So, how can we be efficient with meals and consider nutrition too? Here are some simple suggestions for planning your family meals:

1. Select a day for menu planning, grocery list making, and shopping.

2. Plan a complete dinner meal for each night of the week (and don’t forget to include the dining out nights on your list–it always feels nice to see that you have a night off from cooking!). Remember to include the healthy, balanced components of a good meal: protein source, dairy, vegetable, fruit, and whole grains.

3. Divide your week into theme nights–Crockpot night (I use this theme for my busiest night of the week); Vegetarian night, Fish night, Potato Bar night, Soup and Sandwich night, Kid’s Choice night, etc.

4. Plan your lunches, breakfast items, and snacks for the week. Don’t forget to account for these–planning will help bring variety to these meals and avoid the boring “bowl of cereal” and “same old sandwich” every day.

5. Write down your grocery list from the daily meals and snacks you have listed. Remember, the great thing about having a list is that you can recycle it! Save your menus and grocery lists and rotate them on a cycle.

6. Think about your budget. If you use coupons or store specials, take these into consideration when planning your weekly menu and grocery list.

7. Not sure what to make? Check out our recipes and videos on Kate’s Kitchen with Kids and Kate’s Kitchen with Teens!

Keep that menu list handy and refer to it throughout the week. Having a game plan and the needed items in the kitchen can calm the stress that goes along with pulling a meal together at the end of a busy day, help you feed your family healthier meals and snacks, and help you feel more successful as a parent!

Children don’t always have the skills or ability to use words to describe what is going on in their brain or body.  Sometimes they don’t know, other times they just don’t have the words.  Even if it’s true, you’re not likely to find a 4 year old saying “Excuse me Mommy, but the sugar from that candy plus the nap I missed are really making it hard for me to sit down and stop shrieking.”   Know what I mean?

On the other hand, their behavior itself is a fantastic clue about what’s going on.  When a child is behaving in some inappropriate way, ask yourself what that behavior would tell you if you looked at it as though it was a message spoken in a foreign language.  Translate it, and see what your child is saying.  Here are a few examples:

What your child is doing: Hiding behind your legs when meeting someone new.

 What it means/what they need: I’m feeling uncomfortable and a little scared.  I need to be reassured and some gentle physical touch would help a lot.  Do my talking for me so I can watch and warm up at my own speed.

 What your child is doing: Coming to you, interrupting what you are doing with endless questions when you know they already know the answer.

 What it means/what they need: I need more of your attention.  I want you to stop what you are doing for at least a moment to play with me, talk to me, ask me how I am or what is up with me.

 What your child is doing: Running in to the street/away from you.

 What it means/what they need: I can’t handle being in charge of my body right now.  I need you to hold my hand, or take me somewhere safer, or carry me, etc.

 What your child is doing: Hitting their sibling.

What it means/what they need:  (This is a tough one—it can mean many different things, but here’s a most likely suspect:)  I am feeling such strong feelings that I can’t seem to control them appropriately.  I need your help managing myself and making safe choices.

 What your child is doing: Being defiant, talking back!

What it means/what they need: This one is tough, because it can mean a LOT of different things.  Here’s a typical translation for young children: “I am really angry/upset right now—maybe with you about what you are saying, or maybe about something unrelated to you.”  Either way, I need you to stay calm, acknowledge my strong feelings, and help me practice expressing my feelings in appropriate ways.

There are many, many different messages that our children’s behaviors can be sending, but the need for more attention, more support, more reassurance, and more limits are very common ones for the younger kids.  Stay tuned for how to translate your teenager’s behaviors next!

Finding the right daycare for your child can be like finding the right spouse: sometimes you have to date a few frogs until you find a prince. All daycares talk a good talk and boast about how great they are at your initial walk-through, but not all deliver what they promise.

I had to take my kids to six different daycares and preschools to find the right fit for my family. Hopefully you can learn in 5 minutes what took me 5 years to figure out through trial-and-error what really should be considered a great daycare for your children.

Here are 5 key signs of a good daycare:

1. A low teacher/child ratio – The most important aspect when considering child care for your infant or toddler is that age 0-3 are the absolute most important developmental years of your child’s life. These are the “make it or break it” years. If your child receives adequate nurturing, physical touch, healthy nutrition, exercise, love and respect during these years, she will avoid a plethora of physical, mental and emotional obstacles for the years to come. Unfortunately, the majority of daycares for infants and toddlers have such an unbalanced teacher/child ratio that it is impossible for them to give any child the nurturing that they need to thrive. Before your child is walking, try to find a 1:1 or 1:2 ratio (possibly a nanny or family member). Once they are walking, look for a maximum of a 1:6 ratio.
2. Healthy meals and snacks – What your child eats is just as important as them receiving proper nurturing and love. One daycare my daughter attended was a “big name” daycare, but they served French toast covered in butter and syrup for breakfast, steak fingers for lunch and cookies for snacks. The nail in the coffin was the fact that they prohibited parents from packing healthy lunches for their kids. Either my kids ate the junk food they served or they didn’t eat at all. You should always be able to bring your own meals, snacks and drinks for your child.
3. Is your daycare truly a school where your children are learning, or is it merely a “storage unit”? Just because the word “school” is in the name of your daycare, doesn’t mean squat these days. Ask the teachers daily what was taught to your kids, what books were read, worksheets completed, artwork, etc…
4. Adequate daily exercise – the best daycares know that adequate exercise in children results in more attentive, better behaved and less hyper children. The best schools will provide outdoor physical activities morning, noon and afternoon (3 times per day).
5. Positive discipline – Every school has their own individual philosophy on how they handle kids who misbehave. The best schools will discipline out of love and respect and will never use corporal punishment or inappropriate language with your child.

You might be thinking “Finding a school with a low teacher/student ratio, healthy food options, adequate exercise, very educational and that practices positive discipline is too good to be true. This school cannot exist!” Well, it took me six tries, a lot of shopping around and a lot of frustration, but I did find a lovely preschool for my children that has met these requirements.

Important questions to ask any child care provider before you enroll your child:

• Are you licensed?
• Do you have insurance for accidents?
• What do you serve for meals, snacks and drinks?
• Can I bring outside food for my child?
• How often do the kids play outside?
• What is the teacher/child ratio?
• How do you discipline misbehavior?
• Can you show me some of the class work some of the current students have completed?
• Can my child come for 2 hours this Friday to check out your school?
• Can I drop in any time to observe the class?

Here are 4 traps to avoid when daycare shopping:

• Don’t take another parent’s word on how good a school is. What works (and is important) to your family may not be the same standards for your dearest neighbor next door.
• Just because a daycare center is accredited, that doesn’t always mean it has good leadership, good teachers or has high standards for nutrition or daily exercise.
• Just because a daycare center is a “household name” or nationwide chain, doesn’t mean it’s good.
• Just because a daycare center is new or has fancy decor, doesn’t mean it’s better than the older schools with more modest trimmings.

A few more tips:

• Use your gut instinct. If your gut says “There is something about this place I just don’t like” then listen to this instinct and take action.
• Pop in at random times to see what your daycare is really doing when parents aren’t around. Most schools turn on the charm at key drop-off and pick-up times, but if you swing by after your lunch break you might see a different picture (same rule of thumb is for nannies and babysitters).
• Avoid schools who have pricey “enrollment fees” (no more than $150). The reason schools sometimes have high enrollment fees is so three months into your stay at this school when you realize the school has over-promised and under-delivered, you will say to yourself, “I can’t change schools because I just paid that hefty non-refundable fee.” This is the school’s way of keeping you around.

Keep in mind that your child may spend more time at daycare than any other place in the world during the most important developmental times of his life. Choose wisely. Be willing to pay a bit more if the care is substantially better. And don’t hesitate for a second if you see or sense that your child is not receiving the proper care she needs and deserves.

In a world where much attention is given to prevention and treatment of childhood obesity, the thin child lurks in the corner, causing his parent to sprout grey hairs and plead for her to eat.  From toddlers to teens, the thin child who appears to barely eat, or eek out the average growth every year, is just as much a concern to a parent as the child who overeats.

If your child is thin and you are worried about whether she is getting enough nutrition, here are some guidelines to help calm your fears and feed your child:

Check the growth chart:  Children show us that they are thriving through normal growth and development and this is demonstrated on the Center for Disease Control growth charts.  Your pediatrician graphs your child’s weight and length/height routinely at well visits.  Children who are growing normally will grow predictably on their personal channel of growth. Children who are not gaining weight appropriately may demonstrate a flattening of their growth curve or show a decrease from their usual growth channel percentile.  The growth chart is a good indicator of your child’s overall nutritional status.  If your child appears to be maintaining his usual, predictable pattern on the curve, you can rest assured that your child is getting adequate calories for normal growth.

Consider an age-appropriate multivitamin:  Children who are thin may be selective or fussy eaters and may not be getting adequate amounts of needed vitamins and minerals.  If your child eliminates a major food group (dairy, fruit, vegetable, grains, proteins), consumes more processed foods than whole, natural foods, or is having difficulty gaining weight, a multivitamin may be a prudent addition to her daily diet.

Make every bite count:  Be sure to add fat, such as butter and/or oils, to vegetables. Adding sauces such as cheese or hollandaise, and topping with sour cream or shredded cheese can help boost calories as well. Dip fresh fruit into yogurt, fruit dips, or peanut butter. Dress your pasta: rinse and toss with olive oil, then add butter, cheese or sauce. Choose 2% or whole milk instead of skim or 1% low fat milk. Reconstitute soups and prepare oatmeal with milk instead of water. Boost baked goods such as muffins, cookies, or pancakes with an extra egg or dry milk powder. Every bite of food and every gulp of liquid can make a contribution to your child’s ability to gain weight and grow.

Incorporate a pre-bedtime snack:  Smoothies, milkshakes, instant breakfast drinks or peanut butter toast are good snacks that pack extra protein and calories before sleeping.

Stick to a schedule:  Eating meals and snacks on a consistent basis can help drive the cycle of hunger and promote adequate nutrient intake. Aim to offer meals and snacks every 3-4 hours.

Stay active:  While it may seem that physical activity would promote weight loss, it actually helps children (and adults) to build and sustain the hunger cycle.

Don’t plead, beg, or threaten your child to eat:  These actions set up a negative dynamic around food and eating for you and your child. These are controlling behaviors and may backfire in the long run, as research points out that pleading and disciplining a child to eat may lead to being pickier. Provide ample opportunity and nutritious, acceptable foods on a regular schedule and allow your child to control whether and how much she will eat.

Some children are naturally thin and some are thin due to suboptimal or inadequate nutrition.  Always seek further assistance from a Registered Dietitian or your pediatrician if you are concerned about your child’s weight.