The prospect of a no-kids week in the summer might have you hurrying to find a sleep-away slot for your child. Or your child might already be part of a Scout troop or other group that includes a summer sleep-away camping opportunity. Maybe the family of your child’s best friend has offered to include him in their vacation this year.

But you hesitate. How can you tell if your child is ready?

A quick rule-of-thumb is age. A week away from home is often too much to manage for kids younger than nine, unless the excursion is with a grandparent or someone else that’s family or as-good-as-family. Nine-year-olds have enough experience under their belts to adapt to most situations and they understand their own feelings well enough to soothe the inevitable homesickness. They have a good command of time and can tell “how long there is left to go” before the vacation comes to an end.

A second consideration is experience: has your child slept over at a friend’s house without problems? Is your child able to handle her affairs without her parents around, can she adapt to another set of rules and customs, and can she sleep in a strange bed without tears? A child who has never slept over at the home of a friend might find sleep-away camp too big a leap this summer.

Third, is the camp you’re thinking of a good fit for your child? If your kid is a bold adventurer eager for a challenge, he might love to rough it in the wilderness. But if your child likes his creature-comforts, enrolling him in a rugged experience “for his own good” is unlikely to make him a happy camper. There is a wide range of camps, suiting kids of every taste. And every camp – even one that seemingly presents little challenge – will stretch your child and teach him new things. Try to find a camp that will make your child happy.

Fourth, does your child want to go? If your child is dead-set against sleep-away camp then there is little to be accomplished by forcing her to go. Of course, as soon as you sign up your child, she will experience “buyer’s remorse.” Cold feet are to be expected and usually are not a reason to withdraw. But if sleep-away camp is the last thing your child wants this summer, then see what other options are open that she’ll find more acceptable.

Finally, are you ready? Can you be happy without knowing what your child is doing every minute of the day? Can you survive without knowing if he’s eating well or sleeping well and if the other kids are being nice to him? It goes without saying that you’ll choose a camp wisely. A good camp that’s well supervised and fun can create wonderful memories and a wish to return next year. But the other secret to a great camp experience is the readiness of the child and his parents. Sleep-away camp is a big step, a rite of passage.

If both of you are ready, then sleep-away camp can be a summer treat for the whole family.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson.  All rights reserved.

We all know that childhood obesity can have long-term health effects. Kids who are overweight in early childhood tend to retain their chunkiness and even become heavier as they grow older, out of proportion to increases in their height. The good news recently is that childhood obesity rates have leveled out. The bad news is that parents of overweight kids may actually think children’s weight is normal.

Are you blind to your child’s size? According to a new study published in Sweden, involving parents of 16,000 children aged 2 through 9 from all across Europe, half of parents whose children are too heavy for their height believe their children’s weight is just fine. Four out of 10 of these parents are even worried that their kids might become too thin. How can this be?

OVERCOMING CHILDHOOD OBESITY

Parents in the study were asked to describe their child’s weight as under- or over-normal or right on target. They also were asked about their concerns about a change in weight their child might experience in the near future. These perceptions were then compared with children’s actual measurements and Body Mass Index.

Parents of children whose measurements indicate they are overweight or obese were likely to believe their children’s weight is just fine. Half the parents living in Northern and Central Europe believed this, while a whopping 75% of parents in Southern Europe were blind to the facts.

Parents of children who were obese or overweight were more likely than parents of children who were underweight to believe their children were too thin or might become too thin. Forty percent of parents of heavy kids thought this way, in contrast to just 33% of parents of slender children.

The study didn’t indicate the weight status of parents, so there’s no way to tell if parents’ perceptions were influenced by their own weight issues. However, overweight is less of an issue in Europe than it is in the United States, so the population of children to which overweight kids might be compared by their parents is smaller than it is in this country.

DOES SLEEP DEPRIVATION CONTRIBUTE TO OBESITY?

The study’s author, Susann Regber, speculates that parents simply don’t notice. She believes that as small children grow, it’s difficult for parents to tell when weight becomes out of proportion to height, so concerned are they about children’s overall health and food intake. She says, “Many parents simply do not see the increase in growth, and are dependent on objective information from, for instance, child welfare centers and school health care to act.”

Since we all know the negative effects overweight and obesity can have for children’s health and also for their acceptance by other kids, it’s natural to be in denial about children’s weight. We tend to believe that early pudginess is just puppy fat that will disappear as children grow taller. It’s reasonable to imagine that our kids’ weight is within the normal range.

THE SECRET TO FAMILY HEALTH AND WELLNESS

So what can we do instead?

• Pay attention to what pediatricians or your child’s teacher tells you. If they say there’s a problem, don’t argue.
• Ask your pediatrician about your child’s size. Now that you know you’re not a very good judge of this, go ahead and ask for an expert opinion, if your child’s doctor doesn’t offer one on her own.
• Make certain the meals and snacks you serve contribute to your child’s nutrition. Avoid junk food and fast food meals. Maybe you’ve thought your child was of normal weight and her food choices didn’t matter. Now that you realize you could be wrong, be more careful about food.
• Stay active. Make being active what your family does. Keep the television and gaming devices off more than they’re on. Get outdoors every day and play hard.
• Yes, I’m including you. Be a role model, both of what and how much to eat and how and how much to play. Good health is good for everyone!

The idea that we may be blind to the reality of our children’s weight is eye-opening. Now that our eyes are open, we must pay attention to what we see.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

Now that summer is here, parents’ thoughts turn to next fall and the upcoming school year. In particular, parents of pre-kindergarteners wonder if their child is ready for “real school.” Will your child be a star or will she struggle?

Along with a general feeling of anxiety, you might be feeling just a bit competitive. Your child knows so much! He can do such a lot of wonderful things! As we try to reassure ourselves that our child is indeed ready for kindergarten and will indeed do well there, there’s a tendency to trumpet his abilities and even to pad his resume.

There are many websites and books eager to tell you “what your child should know.” These sites suggest your child should be able to do all sorts of things she may or may not be able to do. But even if she can do them all, is that enough? It’s easy to imagine that these lists represent the floor, not the ceiling, of pre-kindergarten accomplishment. It’s easy to feel tempted to tutor a child in the entire kindergarten and first grade curriculum, just to be sure.

This feeling is encouraged by other parents at your child’s preschool, who are quick to inform you their son or daughter can do two-digit addition, is reading Charlotte’s Web right now, and is on the way to mastering French. Naturally, you feel uneasy. How can any child compete?

Well, you can’t and you shouldn’t. Because what your four-year-old really should know isn’t something she learns, it’s something she is just certain of.  Your child must be certain of these four things:

• She is wonderful,
• She is smart,
• She is capable, and
• She is perfect in every way.

Children whose parents are constantly coaching them actually feel less confident. They understand, quite rightly, that if their parents are so worried about their abilities that they must be unable to succeed as they already are. The unspoken message worried parents send is “You’re not good enough.” Any child who receives that message will be afraid to try.

Acting-like follows believing-in. To act like a smart kid a child must first believe he’s a smart kid. Your job as a parent is to convince your child he’s smart and capable, a wonderful kid who’s perfect in every way.

You don’t do by pushing your child to learn advanced content. You don’t do that by constantly telling your child how clever she is. You do it by genuinely appreciating your child and communicating your admiration for her in everyday, ordinary ways.

It’s hard to ignore the boasting of parents who are anxious about their child’s kindergarten prospects. But if you can ignore that and if you can instead believe in your child and give him the confidence to try, your child will do well.

What your four-year-old really needs to know to be ready for kindergarten  is that you think he’s terrific.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

Forget the old adage less is more.  When it comes to fruits and vegetables more is less.  Eating more fruits and vegetables means more nutrients and fiber and less calories and excess weight gain.  It also means numerous health benefits, particularly related to long-term disease.

Getting the recommended servings of fruits and veggies can be a challenge though, especially with picky eaters. The good news is there are a lot of quick and easy ways to turn your kids into lean, mean, fruit and veggie-eating machines!   

Use common sense: When it comes to food choices, fruits and vegetables are a no-brainer.  They are nutrient-dense, not calorie-dense, which allows you to eat more than almost any other food. Plus, you get the added benefit of fiber, a nutrient that promotes fullness and satisfaction after a meal, not to mention keeps you in the bathroom on a regular basis. One cup of fruits or two cups of veggies contain a similar amount of calories as a 100-calorie snack pack, minus the added fat and sugar!

Look at the “whole” picture:  Experts recommend that children get at least five servings of fruits and vegetables each day. This can be accomplished by adding a serving of fruit to every meal, and a vegetable to at least two meals or snacks. Talk about convenience! Fruits and veggies are the original convenience foods: pre-packaged, pre-portioned, and portable. Check out the many forms of produce available in supermarkets today and remember, in season produce is the cheapest. Although you’ll get more fiber from whole produce, frozen, canned in natural juices, juiced, dried, and even freeze-dried fruits and vegetables are great options, too.

Taste the rainbow: Choosing a wide variety of color for your child’s diet is the best way to ensure that they get a wide variety of key nutrients. The key word is natural colors, not artificial dyes and food colorings. Fruits and vegetables are the ultimate and natural way to add color. Vary your colors each day and within each meal and see how many you can incorporate in your family’s diet.

Check Your Bad Attitude at the Door: Have a positive attitude about eating vegetables! Food should provide pleasure, not pain and eating should be enjoyable, not drudgery.  If you approach eating fruits and vegetables with a positive attitude, your kids will follow suit. Focus on what you get to eat instead of what you think you can’t eat or are missing. A healthy outlook and attitude are just as important as healthy eating behaviors. Studies have shown that focusing on increasing fruits and vegetables is drastically more effective than focusing on eating foods with lower fat and sugar.

Focus on Patience: The name of the game is exposure when it comes to vegetables and fruit (and new foods, for that matter).  It may take as many as 10-20 exposures to a new food before your child will find it acceptable.  So if you are trying a new veggie, don’t despair.  Ask them to try a bite, but don’t force them to eat it if they don’t want to.  Just try again another day, or with another food.

Double Duty: Leading by example, or role modeling, is the most effective way to change your child’s behavior.  If you want your child to eat more fruits and vegetables, then you need to eat them too.  Likewise, you are the decision-maker when it comes to purchasing food, or what I like to call the gatekeeper. If you want your child to eat more fruits and veggies, then make sure you have ample choices on hand.

As teens grow older, they naturally assert more independence. But this independence does not undercut their time with Mom and Dad. It’s a little-known fact that teens actually continue to value their time with their parents and that this time contributes to their social and emotional growth.

A study published recently in Child Development followed 200 youngsters for seven years from age 11 to age 18. Each of these kids was the eldest child in a middle-class or working-class family and each had a sibling about three years younger. In five home interviews with the teens, their parents, and the sibling, and 35 phone interviews with the teens themselves, researchers explored the amount of contact between parents and children and the teens’ interactions with their peers.

Here’s what the researchers found. The amount of time that teens interacted with their parents while their friends were around did indeed decrease in the middle and late teen years. But the time that teens and parents interacted alone (without the teens’ friends present) actually increased in early and middle adolescence. This suggests that even while teens are growing in independence, they still rely on conversations with Mom and Dad. In addition, the fall-off in interaction in late adolescence was less for the second-born sibling than for the first born. The younger child continues to have a high degree of personal contact with her parents throughout the teen years.

The researchers found that this contact matters. For both the first-born and the second-born children, time spent in conversation with parents was related to better satisfaction with peer-relationships and had higher self-esteem. This was especially true when teens spent time with their fathers.

So what does this mean for you and your family? The take-home message here is that even though it might seem like teens are growing away from you and that they don’t give you the time of day when their friends are around, they still value your company. It’s important to find times when just you and your teen are together, and share conversation or activities. This is even more important if you’re the father.

A solid adult relationship with your child and your child’s own social skills and happiness may depend on strong and supportive interactions now, during the teen years. Make it happen!

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

You know the scenario: your child says something, you disagree, and suddenly you find yourself locked in a battle of words. Worse, your child appears to have been rehearsing her talking points and you have trouble marshaling a coherent argument.  Suddenly, you feel off-balance: aren’t you supposed to be the adult? Isn’t your word supposed to be law? Arguing with your child can make it feel like the kids are running the show.

This is the point at which many moms and dads just bellow, “Because I said so!” But there’s a better way. There’s a way you can actually argue to help teach your child how to communicate.

First, keep in mind that no one should argue with a child under the age of three. Instead, just say what you want to see happen. If you can offer a choice (“would you like to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?”), great. If you want to offer a rationale (“please hold my hand so I’ll stay safe crossing the street”), fine. But don’t argue with a toddler. Just say what you want.

Second, remember that long, logical explanations are incomprehensible to kids under age eight. You want to help your preschool and primary-grade child understand that there are reasons why you’re right about something but it’s not likely they will actually grasp your reasoning. So keep things simple. At the same time, while your children’s arguments might be ridiculously naïve, don’t tell them how ridiculous they are. You want children to learn to think and you don’t want to crush their initiative. So say “Hmm.. That’s a good idea. But this or that is the reason why I can’t go along with that…”

If you are successful in giving your young children reasons for things, you will find at about age nine that the tables turn: they become masters at supplying their own reasons back. This is not so much about arguing – though that’s what it will look like – but about using newly-developed powers of logical thinking. Suddenly, your child has the brain power to craft a solid argument. And so, just as suddenly, everything is worth arguing over.

It’s as if your child just acquired a new skill – like the ability to whistle, for instance – that has to be practiced every moment of the day. This is not a bad thing. Your role is not to squelch argument but to shape your child’s education in arguing. She needs to learn how to do this politely and effectively.

This is why “because I said so!” is not always the best solution to a debate. It doesn’t demonstrate the use of reasoning and logic. It doesn’t teach how to listen to an opposing argument, how to acknowledge points of agreement, and how to counter with effective arguments of one’s own. It doesn’t teach compromise. You want your child to be able to think on his feet, to know his own thoughts clearly, to be a good listener, and to be courteous both when he’s right and when he’s wrong.

You model what polite disagreement looks like: you make your point, you listen to your child’s rejoinder, you respond back. Eventually the two of you achieve compromise or one or the other concedes. Do stop the conversation if it gets out of control (“Okay, we’re not getting anywhere. I’m getting angry and so are you. Let’s talk about this again after lunch”). Do keep things civil. What you want to do is establish patterns for arguing, a protocol. This is not so much about winning as it is about teaching.

This will pay off when your preteen child gets older, and the disagreements get more serious. If you have taught your child how to argue with you, and if you have demonstrated that you fight fair, your teen is more likely to ask your permission instead of sneak behind your back. Your teen is less likely to pout, slam doors, or put a fist through the wall and more likely to talk things out. Both of you will know what to do if the conversation gets out of hand. Both of you will have a history of respectful disagreement that will keep your relationship intact even as arguments develop around deeply important issues.

If you take the time to teach your child how to argue, you will win every time, even those debates in which you concede that your child is right. Developing a great relationship with your child, and developing your child’s powers of thinking and communication, are the winning outcomes of great parenting.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Even though their bodies may look mature, a teenager’s brain is not.  They don’t always have the skills or ability to use words to describe what is going on internally.  Their prefrontal cortex isn’t done growing yet.  That’s the part of the brain where we can see long-range consequences, for example—something that teenagers are famously bad at.  But despite the fact that they aren’t fully “cooked” yet, teenagers still need plenty of opportunities to practice their developing independence.  But the challenge is that your teenager probably isn’t going to tell you that they want and need that independence in ways that will inspire you to give it to them.  Instead, teenagers are more likely to argue, defy, or jump without asking (or thinking.)

Whether they ask nicely or not, a parent who learns how to “translate” teenage behavior will be able to understand and respond in ways that are more effective and more loving.  So here are two examples of typical teenage behavior, translated!

What your teenager is doing: 

Eye rolling, shoulder shrugging, or giving one word answers: fine; dunno; whatever.

What it means: 

“I need to feel less like a child.  This kind of attitude/body language makes me feel more in charge and less under YOUR control.  Plus, it puts space between us, which sometimes helps me to feel more grownup.  But please don’t move away from me all the time because I still really need you.  Sometimes this behavior is directly related to something that you are doing and sometimes it is not.

What they need: 

I need age-appropriate opportunities to feel in charge of myself, my time, my activities, my choices, my surroundings, and more.  I need to still have plenty of opportunities to be close to you, but I need to have increasing control over how/when that happens.  I need to know that you really, really see that I am changing and growing.

What your teenager is doing:

Staying up too late on Facebook/Skype/texting.

What it means/what they need: 

Teenagers are developing skills now that they will need their entire lives.  Balancing multiple priorities is one of those important skills.  Sleep is important, but social relationships are too.  Your children will have to balance self-care and responsibility with fun and friends their whole lives.  If you are trying to control them, or force them to adopt healthy habits or see the consequences of their actions, you may very well be standing in the way of the lessons they need to learn.   They need you to give them the space now, when the stakes are somewhat limited, to experiment, fail, succeed, suffer consequences, and reap rewards.  That’s how they will learn the lessons that will shape their future behavior into healthy habits.  (and yes, they do still need some support and possibly reminders about healthy limits, and they definitely need consistent expectations whether or not they went to sleep on time.)

There are many, many different messages that our children’s behaviors can be sending, but the need for age-appropriate power and control are almost always an influence for teenagers.

Summer is coming and your teen might be thinking of looking for work. In a tight economy, job hunting is more frustrating than ever and especially for kids. So here are some tips to consider with your child that might help him or her figure this out and get hired.

1. Decide if you really want a job. Before you go looking for work, decide on your commitment to working at all. Do you really need the money? Would you have as good a summer if you didn’t work but instead focused on volunteer work, an unpaid internship, or working on a creative project of your own? Most jobs put a dent in your schedule and require you to put up with things you might prefer not to. So decide at the beginning if working is how you want to spend your summer.
2. Consider when, where and how you want to work. Think about your preferences and limitations. Do you want to work early in the day or do you want to be able to sleep in? Do you need a job that is within walking distance of your home or on the bus line? Would you prefer to work indoors or outdoors and with people or with machinery? Do you want to work with your hands? You will be more successful if you don’t have trouble getting to work on time and if the work, once you get there, is interesting to you.
3. Think of who you know who might give you a job. Forget for a moment about working at Target and think instead of the small business owner in your neighborhood or church. Who knows you and might give you a break – or might know someone else who could? Let people know that you’re looking for work. It’s okay to apply at Target but think of small businesses too.
4. Watch out for scams. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. Get-rich-quick come-ons are for suckers, not for you. If it were that easy to get hired and that easy to make a ton of money, don’t you think everyone would be rich already? Keep your flim-flam radar on alert!
5. Start early. Don’t wait until school is out to start looking for a job. Start thinking now about your job prospects and see if you can get something lined up early. You might need to agree to start while school is still in session – can you do that?
6. Project a great image now. Businesses are looking for employees they can trust to do a good job and not create trouble for them. So make certain you project that image, starting right now. Dress neatly, stay out of trouble, hang around with responsible kids. Remember that since your best employment prospects are among the people who know you from everyday life, make sure your everyday life represents you well as a good hire.
7. Consider creating your own job. You know stuff. Turn your knowledge into money by teaching children (how to speak Spanish, how to draw, how to play the guitar, how to hit a baseball); by doing household tasks (mowing lawns, cleaning garages, taking care of pets, planting gardens, painting walls); or by doing specialized tasks (planning birthday parties, creating websites, managing a business’s Facebook page, being a mother’s helper). Starting a business isn’t easy but it does guarantee that you’ll get, if not gobs of money, then gobs of experience. Think again of the sort of situation you want to work in and how you will get to your clients. Consider start-up costs for equipment and check into your local laws about forming a seasonal business. Put together a marketing plan and ask prospective clients what they’d need you to do.
8. Once you’ve got a job, stick with it. Unless you discover that the job is really awful, dangerous, or sleazy, try to stick it out. It’s harder to find a job if you quit – employers don’t want to hire quitters. And the things you hate about your work might be things that will wind up being the most valuable in a character-building sort of way. At least give a new job a chance to turn into something fine.

And here’s a last tip for parents: if you hire your own kid to work for you over the summer, set out the job duties, hours, payment schedule and everything else just as if this were a “real” job. You’ll be happier and there will be less conflict if you do.

Neuroscientist and educational philosopher Howard Gardner believes that our talents and inclinations are hard-wired into our brains. His Multiple Intelligences theory suggests that people are at their best when they work to their strengths. Gardner even advocates testing young children to see what their brain-based abilities are and then focusing their educations toward those.

Much of the American educational system is focused on only a couple of brain-based abilities: language arts and math. Kids who have natural talent in these areas excel in school. Kids whose natural talents lie in other area, like art, physical coordination, or music, for example, might have more trouble in school or might feel that school isn’t right for them.

Obviously, every child needs to learn to read, write and do math. It’s hard to function without these skills. But clearly not every school child is going to be an A student. This doesn’t mean the C students are hopelessly mediocre. It just means that school’s focus doesn’t match the C student’s talents.

One of your jobs as a parent, then, is to figure out what your kid’s talents and natural inclinations are. You can then provide extra-curricular experiences to develop those talents. Extra-curricular experiences can be classes or organized activities, but also they can be just your interest and support.

Natural inclinations can be observed early in a child’s life. Because they are often inherited, your own abilities, including the ones you’ve hidden from the world, may be abilities your child has too. What talents are part of your own intelligence profile? What do you think matches your child’s profile and the profile of your child’s other parent?

Language, including vocabulary, reading, and writing…. Word-smart people use words to help solve problems, persuade, entertain, or teach. They tend to be good writers and/or speakers. Crossword puzzles, playing games like scrabble, or telling stories tend to be enjoyable activities. I see this in myself  ___    my child ___    my child’s other parent ___

Mathematics and logic…. Number-smart people like to reason, analyze patterns, and interpret data. They have a naturally strong number sense. They tend to enjoy games like chess, solving puzzles, and mysteries. Computer programming can be a strength. I see this in myself  ___    my child ___    my child’s other parent ___

Spatial abilities, like art, architecture, and arrangement… Picture-smart people tend to be very aware of their environment. They have strong visual skills and tend to be artistically creative. They like to draw, do jigsaw puzzles, take pictures, build with legos, or read maps. I see this in myself  ___    my child ___    my child’s other parent ___

Music… I see this in myself  ___    my child ___    my child’s other parent ___

Physical coordination, speed and strength… I see this in myself  ___   my child ___    my child’s other parent ___

Interpersonal skill in negotiating and persuading… I see this in myself  ___    my child ___    my child’s other parent ___

Intrapersonal skill in self-understanding and insight… I see this in myself  ___    my child ___    my child’s other parent ___

Affinity for nature, including plants and animals… I see this in myself  ___    my child ___    my child’s other parent ___

Spiritual and metaphysical understanding, including morality and supernatural ideas… I see this in myself  ___    my child ___   my child’s other parent ___

Now that you’ve noticed the breadth of interests and talents present in your family, find ways to support those. Some of these are included in the school day but some need your support in free-time activities.

Educate your entire child. There are many, many ways of being smart.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.