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In today’s politically charged climate, it is easy to feel strong emotions. It doesn’t matter which party you align with or what you believe in; strong opinions and emotions can be invoked in anyone.

You might feel strongly in support of or against any number of policies and events occurring on a daily basis. Having strong feelings about something and feeling that you can’t do anything about it can be extremely frustrating and often leaves a person feeling completely powerless.

Furthermore, these strong positions and feelings can often cause problems within families and other personal relationships (think Thanksgiving dinner with Uncle Bob or water cooler talk at work). You are not as powerless as you think, and you do not have to let differing views harm your relationships.

Here are some tips for how to handle feeling powerless and for protecting your family and relationships:

  1. Learn to set clear boundaries and enforce them. A boundary is a hard line that you set which cannot be crossed. If the line is crossed, then your boundary has been violated. Boundaries command respect. Anyone who violates your boundaries lacks respect for you, and you might want to consider ending your relationship with anyone who doesn’t respect you. Boundaries can include certain topics being off limits, certain words or slogans not spoken around you, certain behaviors not tolerated, and so forth. In order for boundaries to be respected, they must be stated clearly. If someone accidentally crosses the line, or gets close to the line, a quick but firm reminder ought to suffice. Anyone who chooses not to stop at that point is actually a jerk. Walk away or end the conversation at that point. This is the only way to enforce your personal boundaries.
  2. Keep communication clear, kind, and succinct. It is okay to state your opinion or feelings about something, but you don’t need to go on and on about it, especially if you know it is upsetting to your partner or someone else whom you actually care about. People are allowed to, even supposed to, have differing views on things. It is what makes us human, and demonstrates our abilities to think and discern. You can still respect someone and their opinions and feelings even if they are polar opposite from yours. You can say things like, “Hmmm. That’s quite a different view than I have on this matter. You are entitled to your opinion, just as I am entitled to have mine” or “Wow. We really see this issue differently. That makes sense given our different personal histories”. You don’t need to try to convince anyone that you are right and they are wrong. That only leads to arguments and damages your relationships. Nobody wins.
  3. Use those moments that illicit strong reactions from you to teach your children your family’s values. Teach your children where you stand about important issues, such as immigration, abortion, foreign policy, war, the poor, the homeless, our vets, legalization of marijuana, tax policy, and so much more. These are conversations you should be having in age-appropriate ways from the time they are little and forever after. Get involved in causes you believe in and take your children with you. Explain why you take the positions you take, and encourage your children to think for themselves. As they gain more and more knowledge, they will ultimately make their own decisions as to where they stand, and you will hopefully respect that. But, in the meantime, your children will learn more from you than from any teacher they will ever have.
  4. Use differences of opinions as a way to teach your children respect and problem-solving skills. Show them how two people can have opposing views, but still love and respect one another. Let them hear you share you differing views without arguing. If things get heated, demonstrate for them how to diffuse the intensity without anyone exploding. For example, you might say, “Wow. It is so heartbreaking to see these families being ripped apart at our borders.” Your husband might reply, “Well, they’re getting what they deserve. What did they think would happen if they came here illegally?”. You might then say, “Seeking asylum is not illegal, and there is no law that says children must be separated. Where is your compassion?” Your husband might say, “I don’t have compassion for criminals, and we can’t save the world.” This could go on and on and could get heated. Rather than getting in a huge fight that could have repercussions, at some point you might just say, “It seems like we are not going to agree on this one. We clearly have very different views about this issue, and that’s okay. But, I do think it is best if we end this conversation before either of us gets too emotional or says something we probably shouldn’t. Let’s just agree to disagree.”

It is important to remember, and to teach your children, that even when you feel most powerless, you usually aren’t. There is always some action you can take to help yourself feel like you’re making a difference. You can protest, you can vote, you can call or write lawmakers, and you can post on social media. Get involved and volunteer for an organization that is meaningful to you. In all of these ways, you hold more power than you think. Things will not always go as you wish, sometimes they will and sometimes they won’t. While you will need to accept this, you are never required to sit idly by.

In America’s big cities, the high school dropout rate is as high as 50% and it’s not much better in rural areas either. Even though education is important as the first step towards getting a job that pays a decent wage, half of the kids who start high school as ninth graders don’t finish all the way to the end of their senior year. Why not?

Here are the main reasons why kids drop out:

They are older than other kids in their grade, either because they started late, were held back a year or two, or failed courses they had to repeat.

Some of these problems are within your control. You can help your kid figure out the credits he needs to graduate and make sure he gets those. You can help your child have high aspirations and realize that she can do great things if she just persists. You can make certain your teen feels welcome at home and do what you can to help him feel welcome at school.

Teens are short-sighted. They sometimes don’t see the value of high school and don’t realize how important a high school diploma might be in opening doors in the future. So you have to help your teen hang in there. But notice this: kids who drop out of school are not stupid. Instead, most dropouts are capable – even exceptional – kids, who needed more support than they got.

Kids who don’t complete high school aren’t necessarily doomed to the School of Hard Knocks. Hard work, pursuit of a passion, good social skills and a few lucky breaks can take a kid a long way.  Here are some famously successful people who dropped out of school:

But for every millionaire dropout there are a hundred who look back with regret. Deciding to stay in high school long enough to graduate is the first big decision most teenagers make, and they sometimes make the decision to drop out without really thinking. Do what you can to support and guide your teen.

Help your kid be a high school grad.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson.  All rights reserved.

A new Gallup poll reports again what has long been a recognized truth: moms who work outside the home are less troubled by anger and sadness and are less likely to be diagnosed with depression than are mothers who stay home with their little kids. What should moms make of this?

First, there’s nothing new here. The relationship between outside work and mothers’ happiness is long established. But if you are a stay-at-home mom, there’s no need to dust off your resume and find some childcare. Knowing that being a stay-at-home mom can be difficult just means we need to take steps to ease the difficulty. Here are some ideas.

First, recognize that if you are a stay-at-home mom and you’re feeling unhappy and upset more often than you think is right, then recognize that it’s not you. This is normal. No guilt feelings needed. This means you’re not a bad mother if you envy your sister who’s balancing motherhood and career (and complains about it all the time!). It’s okay. But at the same time, realize that your doctor will have seen this before. If you need help – if your sadness and angry feelings are starting to worry you – then it’s okay to get help. It’s normal to feel this way.

Second, notice money pressure and keep it separate from mothering pressure. One of the findings in the Gallup poll was that lower-income stay-at-home moms are more depressed and more unhappy than stay-at-home moms who are more comfortably placed. This seems to suggest that not having enough money – at whatever economic level – makes stay-at-home mothers question their decision to stay at home and contributes to their frustration. So just be aware of this. Try to notice that it’s not the children who make you so unhappy and it’s not being responsible for their care 24/7 and not having other adults to talk with. These are factors – well-off stay-at-home moms feel sad too – but these are not the only factors. Lack of money makes everything harder. Keep money separate in your mind.

Third, carve out productive time for yourself. If mothers who work outside the home are less sad and angry than mothers who stay home, then what is it that makes the difference for those working moms? How can you give yourself some of what they have? Studies on life satisfaction show that having work of one’s own is important but that this doesn’t have to be paid work outside the home. It can be a hobby, volunteer work for a charity or parents’ group, even an at-home business. If you’re feeling frustrated at home, create something else to keep your mind busy and something else besides the children to which you apply your talents. Let yourself be more than your children’s mother.

Finally, let your partner know. Your husband may think  because you are home all day with the children that an immaculate home and gourmet meals are part of the package. If your partner thinks this way – and if you’ve allowed this thinking to take hold by trying to be a Super Woman – now is the time to have a frank conversation. Use this article as a starting point, if you like. Remind your partner that a happy, stress-free environment is a requirement for children’s brain development, intellectual abilities and healthy social adjustment. If being a stay-at-home mother is important to you and to your husband, then doing what’s necessary to be a happy stay-at-home mother is equally important.

The Gallup poll points up more than anything else that being a mother these days is not easy, not for stay-at-home mothers any more than it is for mothers who are juggling home and work. It’s normal to feel stressed. Just don’t let the stress get you down!

 

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.



Even though it’s “only preschool,” what happens before kindergarten matters. So how can you tell if your child’s preschool is good enough? What should you look for?

The first thing to look for is that a child is enrolled. According to Barnett, even poor preschool  is better than no preschool. Children who get no preschool start kindergarten already a year behind. This is because what matters in kindergarten is not so much academic ability – things parents may think they’re providing at home –but habits of mind necessary for school. Children who come to school knowing how to work in a group, how to follow complicated directions, how to do school work, and how to pay attention in the midst of distractions, these children are ready to learn.

The second thing to look for is a teaching staff that knows how to work with children and enjoys teaching them. A good child care or preschool teacher should know how to develop children’s skills in pre-math and pre-reading. She should know how to guide children’s behavior without squelching their curiosity. She should be respectful of children’s ideas and she’s got to be nice. She has high standards but she knows her job is to help children reach them.

In a preschool run by a school district, teachers should all have a bachelor’s degree and teaching certificate. They will be well-paid and will have access to lots of professional development. If your school district doesn’t offer a preschool program or if your child is ineligible for your district’s program (some are limited to children with low-income and other risk factors), then find the very best preschool you can with the very best support of its teachers. Ask about a teacher’s college preparation. Ask if the school closes for professional development days (even though this is an inconvenience for you, it’s something you want). Ask about the number of children per teacher. Ask how long teachers typically stay and how quickly they leave.  If you can, watch teachers in action. You are looking for the same professionalism that teachers display at your local elementary school. Are teachers proud of what they do or are they always on the lookout for a better job?

Third, find a place where play is center-stage. Play is the medium by which children learn. Sit down instruction, with children filling in worksheets and memorizing facts, is not a positive thing. It’s inappropriate for young children. In a good preschool, children are moving around, doing interesting things together, as their teachers observe, guide and ask questions.

Noticing a quality preschool or child care center isn’t difficult – the signs are obvious or can be discovered by asking a few questions. Finding a quality preschool may be more difficult. But the results are worth the search.

Your child’s school success is determined in large part by what happens at age three and four. Choose quality for your child.

 

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Join Dr. Anderson in an online conference for teachers and parents. Find out more at Quality Conference for Early Childhood Leaders.

 

Motherhood requires more sacrifices than can be counted, and it can wear you out physically and emotionally.  In order to parent well, however, we need energy, patience, forgiveness, creativity… all the things that disappear when we are exhausted.  What to do?  As flight attendants and Oprah both like to say, you’ve got to put your oxygen mask on yourself first.  Let’s talk about self-care.

How do you take care of yourself?  First, make sure you are getting the basics: enough sleep, healthy food, daily physical activity.  Our bodies and brains will stop functioning pretty quickly without those items.  But beyond that, your self-care can be as unique as you are.  Consider some of these ideas:

Order.  Some of us take care of ourselves by maintaining order in our physical surroundings.  If this is you, my advice is to remember to find balance.  Children pretty much destroy order just by virtue of their existence, and there is no human way to stay on top of everything.  So, find places in your life/house where you can create and maintain order, and try to “let go” of wishing everything could be orderly.  (Read about my own balancing act with order on my blog here: http://www.katiemalinski.com/2010/04/my-sock-drawer-circa-2001/  )

Girlfriends.  When I realize that I’ve gotten behind on my own self care (usually evidenced by a grouchy, testy mood,) one of my favorite ways to get myself back is to go on a walk with a girlfriend.  An hour of laughing, confiding and sometimes complaining, away from home and kids and responsibility, plus a little exercise, plus it’s free?  Perfect.

Lower your standards.  Yes, a home cooked meal is awesome and a clean house is important.  (But not as important as a peaceful, centered Mommy!) Can you grab a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store one night a week?  Or use paper plates during crunch time?  If those things allow you to steal back 20 minutes of your time one evening, it’s a small price to pay.  But make sure to use those 20 minutes doing something that rejuvenates you!

Make something.  Are you a crafter? Baker?  (Candlestick maker?) If you love to make stuff but aren’t doing it, you probably feel a little bit wistful (or worse!) every time you walk by your unused supplies.  Carve out an hour or two and knock out a tiny, manageable project.  One finished project can give that craft table a happy vibe instead.

Ask for help.  Do you have family or friends to turn to?  A church or community group?  Maybe they can help with babysitting or trading child care, emotional support, advice, or simply by keeping you company while you do whatever you need to do.  I myself have often found that even if someone can’t help me, having their company while I do whatever needs doing is helpful. 

Music.  Music has an enormous ability to transform moods.  It’s also great because it can be combined with other activities—particularly boring ones like cleaning.  But I’ve found that if I play great music while I’m cleaning, I end up enjoying myself, the work seems quicker and less difficult, and a lot of the time I end up having a mini dance party with the kids in the middle of it.  Crank up the volume!

Go to bed.  Everyone says this, but that’s because everyone needs it and no one is getting enough.  Go to sleep!   I always like to remind parents of very young children sleep deprivation is a form of torture and is listed in the Geneva Convention!  There is also research that shows that not getting enough sleep leads to unhealthy food choices and increased caloric intake!  So give yourself the gift of a nap, or 8 full hours of uninterrupted sleep.  And then do it again.  Ahhhh.

So before you click another link—think for just a moment: what will you do to take care of you today?  Now make it a priority.  You deserve it!

Depression is a serious disease that affects adults, teenagers, and children.  Everyone has had periods of sadness in their life, perhaps due to a death or a loss, so how does a parent recognize when things have gone beyond a temporary bout of the ‘blues’?

A doctor or therapist can diagnosis depression, and will ask you or your teenager questions about mood, sleeping, eating, enjoyment of activities, fatigue, ability to concentrate, and thoughts of death.  However, parents are often the first ones to recognize that something might not be okay.  By familiarizing yourself with some of the symptoms of depression, you can help identify the problem and assist with getting the appropriate help.

Some questions to ask yourself:

  1. Is your teenager sad most of the day, most every day for 2 weeks or so?  (If your child’s mood is irritable instead, this can also be due to depression.)
  2. Has your teenager recently shown a significantly decreased interest in things/activities that were previously enjoyed?
  3. Has your teenager had a significant change in appetite or sleep or physical activity?  (either increasing or decreasing.)
  4. Has your teenager been having a hard time concentrating?
  5. Is your teenager having feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt?
  6. Has your teenager been thinking or talking repeatedly about death or suicide?

The first 2 questions are the most significant.  If you’ve answered yes to either of those, consider reaching out for professional guidance.  If you also answered yes to one or more of the following questions, consider it even more evidence that a professional’s involvement is needed.  A pediatrician, child psychologist, or a mental health therapist is your best choice for the next step.  Mental health therapists can have several different credentials, for example “Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW), Licensed Professional Counselors (LPC,) or Marriage and Family Therapists (MFT.)”  If you have health insurance, you can call your customer service number and ask about mental health benefits, and for a referral to a therapist who specializes in children and teenagers.  Your workplace might also offer EAP benefits including a short number of counseling sessions—these are often free or very inexpensive.  Most communities also have “Help Lines” or free  or low-cost counseling organizations.

It is very important to take depression seriously.  Please call someone today if you suspect your teenager is depressed—there are many effective treatments that can help.



We all know that toddlers can be a handful. They don’t pay attention, they flit from one activity to another, they’re always into everything, and they are often defiant and difficult. If an older child acted this way, you might suspect Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, more commonly known as ADHD. But what if your child is just two or three?

There is a growing trend to medicate very small children with drugs intended to moderate ADHD behavior. This trend is most pronounced in families of low income, in which the children receive Medicaid assistance. A recent report noted that 15,000 American toddlers are being medicated for ADHD.

But here’s the thing: these medications – most notably Ritalin – have not been proven safe or effective for children so young. In fact, ADHD cannot even be diagnosed in children younger than four, following guidelines of the American Academy of Pediatrics and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

4 KEYS TO IMPROVING YOUR CHILD’S BEHAVIOR

So if your toddler seems out of control, what can you do?

First, assume that your child’s behavior is within normal ranges for her age. Little kids naturally push the limits because they aren’t really sure what the limits are. They also can’t very well control their impulses and manage their own behavior. So give your child some time to grow into better behavior.

Second, take the time to guide your toddler in developing what little self-control toddlers are capable of. Avoid giving in or using bribes to teach good behavior but also avoid being harsh. Remember that little kids don’t know what to do but need to be gently taught.

Third, give this time. Developing a fully-functioning, thoughtful, and self-disciplined human being doesn’t happen overnight. This development isn’t helped with medication. Remember that a toddler cannot be expected to act like an adult or even like a four-year-old.

Fourth, even if there is a family history of ADHD, be slow to engage in drug therapy. The best, most knowledgeable doctors will recommend behavior guidance at this age and will not jump to a diagnosis of ADHD with a child so young. You should do the same.

Finally, make certain your little one is getting enough sleep and is eating well. Sleep deprivation is a common cause of ADHD-like behavior and eating junk food, including caffeinated drinks and chocolate, affects behavior too.

There are no shortcuts to dealing with toddlers, no quick fix that will suddenly make your family life more serene. Raising children is hard work, requiring thoughtful parenting every day.

Give that to your very young child.

 

 

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

“The brain can be developed just as a set of muscles.” ~Thomas Edison

I want to ask you to suspend your belief that “creativity is inherited”. In fact, creativity is inherent in every human being. As parents, YOU can nurture and strengthen your children’s creative abilities.

Your children have enormous mental capacity stored within the right hemisphere of their minds that can become weaker as they spend less time engaged in creative activity. Imaginative play is replaced with TV and video games. Coloring and drawing are replaced with writing and mathematics. The pressure to perform on standardized tests replaces “circle time.” School becomes more about memorizing facts and figures and less about independent thinking.

Without an awareness of the importance of developing the creative, right brain skills, your young children can depart from their innate creative selves into logical, linear thinking, left-brain-dominant “mature” individuals.

Whereas creatively empowered individuals say, “We can make this work!” others may say, “It has never been done before.” It is exactly this disparity that fueled a recent cover story (July 2010) in Newsweek Magazine entitled “The Creativity Crisis”. It reported decisively that our children’s creativity scores (based on a creativity test similar in intention to the IQ test) have been steadily DROPPING since 1990. With all of the challenges facing our world today and our children being the future source of potential solutions to these problems, it is now more important than ever to pay special attention to balancing our children’s education to include creative activity.

What can you do to ensure your kids grow into “creatively fit” adults? Here are three simple steps. Learn more at www.creativelyfit.com.

  1. Provide unstructured playtime. Resist the temptation to have every day booked full of activity. Kids need the “blank canvas” time in their day where it is entirely up to them to CREATE their acitivity.
  2. Shop for art supplies at the grocery store. You don’t need fancy art supplies or a home studio to use creative art activity to fuel your child’s creative mind. Simply keep blank paper in the kitchen (because, let’s face it, that is where they live), crayons, fresh markers, a glue stick, etc.
  3. Get outside! Nothing serves as a greater source of inspiration than the great outdoors. The kids may resist at first, but take them to the park, the nature reserve, or even send them to the driveway with some sidewalk chalk. It is the simple activities that will have the most impact.

To learn all “33 Things” you can do to raise creative kids, buy Whitney Ferre’s book 33 Things to Know About Raising Creative Kids.

If you’re like me, you’re a parent who has little tolerance for a child who talks back. When my children say something disrespectful, I usually deal with it immediately. At the same time, my children haven’t yet hit the notorious teen years. When children reach the teen stage, it’s important for parents to understand that they must loosen the grip on certain rules so that they allow a certain level of independence in their children. Should teenagers be able to talk back to their parents? In short, it depends. Keep reading and I’ll explain what I mean.

Nastiness or abusive language is never okay

If your teenager curses at you or makes nasty comments to your face, you have to send a clear message that this behavior is not okay. Simply put, if you give a teenager an inch, they will take miles and miles. If your teen curses at you, do not overreact emotionally. That is the number one mistake parents make with kids of any age: getting emotional in their reaction. When a child sees you lose your cool, your child comes to believe that you are not strong enough to manage them. It helps if parents view the teen’s acting out behavior through a lens of empathy. Teens have a lot of adult-like social situations they must manage: school and sports demands, conflicts with friends, and budding or ending romantic relationships. Teens have little life experience, so they don’t know how to manage these situations smoothly. Because your teen is probably dealing with a lot of different issues, give them some slack.

State the specific rules and the consequences for breaking the rules

Discuss the rules about which behaviors are okay and not okay so that you and your child have no confusion. Tell your child, “It’s okay if you get angry, but there are rules about expressing anger. You can’t just say whatever crosses your mind, just like I can’t say whatever crosses mine.” Be clear about how to express anger in a healthy way. Say, “When you do get angry at me, the first rule is that it’s never okay to call me names, and I will give you that same respect, no matter how angry I am. Calling me curse words will result in the following punishment, and there is no negotiating that rule. [You decide the consequence that fits: turning off their phone for the week or grounding them for one day of the weekend, for example).

Give your teen a sense of control by asking for their opinion

I am by no means an amazing parent; I think I’m a decent parent and I take pride in the fact that I am always trying harder to become a better parent and to think more about my child’s – and not my own – feelings. One positive behavior that I practice with my kids that I am proud of is that I try to have at least one family meeting per month, and I ask for their opinion when we are dealing with an issue. You may do this already, but if not, this practice works well with teens who are at a stage in life where they need to feel heard and they need to feel as if they have some control over their own life. If your teen does something problematic, sit down with them and ask, “If you were the parent, what would you do?” Your teen may come up with a terrific answer, suggesting that they would understand and blow it off. Take this opportunity to focus on the future. Say, “I could blow it off now, but what kind of parent would I be if I signed off on that behavior? The purpose of parenting is to teach kids how to be when their adults, when they have to make all their own decisions. If you did something like this at your job when you’re an adult, you would be disciplined or could even lose your job. That is what I need you to understand better: I am teaching you rules that you need to be successful in life.”

Overall, parenting teens can be frustrating but it doesn’t have to be constantly upsetting or frustrating. Keep the rules clear and focus your feedback on guidance rather than lectures or punishment. Finally, always remember to try to keep an alliance – and not a foe vs. foe dynamic – that will keep you bonded in a good way for years to come.