Oh, my. You invite a child in for a sleepover. Things seem to be going just fine. Then this kid starts something you never anticipated. Something you never would allow. What now?

This “something” could be anything from viewing porn on the Internet to running naked down the hallway. It could be swearing like a sailor or singing vulgar songs at the top of her lungs. It could be sneaking out with your child in the middle of the night, egging a neighbor’s home or abusing your cat.

Now that I’ve set your imagination in motion, you realize that you could invite in a child who turns your evening into a bad movie plot, either a can-you-top-this comedy or a tragic drama of a sleepover gone wrong. What now indeed?

To add to your angst, let me point out that you are the responsible party here, even though this bad kid has parents of his own. You, not the kid’s mom and dad, are legally liable for anything that happens on your watch. Hosting a sleepover (or even a play date) is not a casual thing.

So how can you keep a sleepover from turning into a nightmare? Here are some things to think about.

1. Know the child or children you’re inviting. A sleepover isn’t something to host when you first move into a new neighborhood. It’s not a way to get to know other kids better. Only invite children you already know well and whose families you’ve had a chance to observe and evaluate.
2. Stay home. For goodness sake, don’t leave your child and his friends alone.  You might add “stay awake” to this, or at least a plan to get up every few hours (set an alarm, please) to check on the kids. You are responsible whether you’re present physically and mentally or not. So stay home and stay alert.
3. Check in often. Stick your head into the family room frequently and see what’s going on. Bring in snacks once in a while. Make it clear to everyone that you’re keeping an eye on things. And, by the way, site the sleepover in a public space, like the family room, not a private space, like a child’s bedroom. Doors should be kept open.
4. Intervene swiftly when there’s a problem. Don’t wait to see if something you think might be a problem really is a problem. Instead, speak up immediately. Say, “That’s not okay. I don’t want to see that again. Got it?” Get confirmation that the message was received. A smirk and a shrug don’t count here. Expect respect.
5. Shut the sleepover down if things get out of hand. Your ultimate weapon is returning a child to her home no matter what the hour. Phone the child’s parents to let them know what has happened and that you will deliver the child to them right now. Don’t worry about inconveniencing another family and don’t argue with the other parents. Just make certain someone is there to open the door and take the child home.
6. Of course, make certain your own child isn’t the instigator. Before the sleepover happens, lay down the ground rules with your own kid. Let him know that you will not look the other way if he acts out, just because there’s company in the house. Realize that your own child and his friends surely will plan out the evening ahead of time, so make it clear to your own kid that he should squash advance talk about adventures you’ll never approve.

Remind your child that hosting a sleepover is a privilege that comes with responsibility for him and for you.  It can be great fun and a growth experience for everyone but only if everyone cooperates.

No matter what sport your child is playing this year, here are some things you should know about being a winning parent.

1. Sign your kid up for the team. Be at the first meeting and pay the fees.
2. Get your kid the equipment he needs but not more than that. If the cleats you can get at Target are good enough, don’t spend $100 on shoes from a fancy sports store. It will just make you sad when he loses the left one.
3. Take your kid to the practices. Practices are more important than games, because it’s at practice that your child will learn about the sport, gain more skill and coordination, and become a better teammate.
4. Practice at home if your kid wants to. And just as with math homework, practice the way the coach wants your child to practice, not in some fancy way you know about. Let your child’s coach be her leader and don’t try to hog the spotlight.
5. Show up at the matches. Be there in the stands and pay attention to the game. This is not the time to talk on the phone, work on your laptop, or wander off and get coffee. The moment you look away is the moment your child will hit a home run, make a goal, or break her arm. Pay attention.
6. Demonstrate good sportsmanship even if it kills you. The key to being a good sport is to keep your mouth closed. Don’t yell at the ref, harangue the coach, boo the players, or even shout specific directions to your child. You may cheer a good play (from either team) but, as your mother told you, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.
7. Never ask about the score. If you weren’t at the game, don’t ask, “Did you win?” or even “Did you score?” If your child volunteers this information, fine. But otherwise don’t make the focus on winning or losing. Instead ask, “Did you have fun?”
8. Bring snacks when you’re the Snack-Parent. And despite your personal nutritional perspective, now is not the time to take a self-righteous stand on protein bars. Provide the snack your child and his teammates expect you to provide.
9. If your child decides she hates this game, renegotiate her participation. She’s a child, not someone under contract. If being part of the team really makes her sad, talk it over and see what can be done. Quitting is always an option.
10. Thank the coach. Coaching kids sports is a generous act. Remember to say thank you often. Even if you and your child’s coach don’t always see eye to eye, still it’s the coach who’s making time for this in his life, not you. In fact, the best way to thank a coach is to volunteer to coach next year.
Have a great season. Go team!

When someone asks me to share advice for “a high-achieving student,” I’m usually reluctant because it often trends towards a discussion of “How to get into a prestigious college.”   So if you’re a high-achieving student, here are five tips that can help you maximize the benefit from your impressive work ethic, no matter where you want to go to college.

1. Focus on the big picture.
Yes, you want to go to college.  But I hope you have a bigger goal here.  You want to be well-educated.  You want to develop your mind and your work ethic.  You want to be well-prepared to succeed in college once you get there.  As you go through high school and plan for college, don’t just focus on what admissions advantage you’re getting. Think about the life advantages, too. There’s no guarantee anything you do will get you into one particular school. But everything you do gives you a bigger life advantage. Those bigger advantages guarantee that you’ll get in someplace and that you’ll also be more successful once you get there.

2. Drift towards your strengths.
High-achieving students often have a tendency to spend their time trying to polish up every slight, perceived weakness so they’re free of imperfections.  A better way to stand out and be happy is to focus on your strengths.  If you’re much better at math than you are at English, you could get a tutor for AP Lit.  But why not redirect that time to tutor students in math, or take a college level math class, or captain the math club?  The Gallup Organization’s research has showed that spending time building strengths is far more productive than logging countless hours trying to fix weaknesses.  You’ll be happier, you’ll be even better at something you like and are good at, and you’ll have more success when you apply to college, too.

3. Have a favorite subject and teacher.
Admissions officers want to see flashes of your academic interests.  And college interviewers routinely ask about your favorite subjects and teachers. The students who’ve thought about their favorite subjects and worked especially hard in them always have the best answers to those questions.  So have a favorite class and teacher.  If you don’t have one or both, what could you do to find a class and teacher that you really look forward to every day?  There’s no reason that school should feel like a job all the time.  A favorite class and teacher can show you just how enjoyable learning really can be.

4.  Be academically engaged.
It’s possible to get straight As and not necessarily be an engaged student.  If your only academic concern is whether or not you’ll get an “A,” you have a good work ethic, but you’re not academically engaged. Do you participate in class? Do you ask intelligent questions? Do you do reading outside of your history class, build a working solar panel in physics, or do an oral report in US history dressed up like Ben Franklin?  If you do those things, you’ll be an engaged student, you’ll probably enjoy school more, and you’ll be more appealing to colleges because of it.

5. Remember that if anyone should be able to enjoy the admissions process, it’s you.
I’m consistently surprised by how many high-achieving students (and their parents) are so unnecessarily anxious about the college admissions process.  The vast majority of colleges in this country will trip over themselves to admit a high-achieving student.  Yes, it’s obscenely competitive to get into about 40 colleges, and those may well be some (or all) of the schools you say you want to attend.  But if you step back and appreciate how hard you’re working and how much you care about your future, you’ll realize that everything is going to be OK, whether or not Cornell says yes.  Be happy and confident about your future.    Don’t believe that a prestigious college has the power to decide whether or not you’re going to be successful. You get to make that decision for yourself.

Many elementary-grade and middle school children spend their afternoons in an afterschool program. Often these programs are conducted right on the school campus but usually they are presented by an outside group.

As one might expect, the quality of these programs is important but the quality varies. How can you be sure your own child’s afterschool experience is a good one? How can you be sure it doesn’t actually contribute to children’s bad behavior?

A recent study in the American Journal of Community Psychology set out to discover if afterschool programs support a sense of community among the children. Feelings of belonging and shared values have been found in the past to be important in adult social organizations. Children in second through fifth grades in three Pennsylvania schools were asked how connected they felt to the other children in the program, how willing they were to intervene if another child was behaving badly and the types of bad behavior they themselves had committed in the afterschool setting.

The researchers found that the more connected kids felt to other children in the program, the more likely they were to uphold behavior standards of the group and the less likely they were to get in trouble themselves. Feeling a sense of community made children act better.

But, “Too often, we don’t create a place where youth can grow, develop and have a hand in shaping their own environments,” the principal researcher Emilie Smith said. She goes on to note that afterschool programs should include practices that support a sense of community among the children and encourage their engagement with the staff and with each other.

If your child attends an afterschool program, what should you look for?

1. Adequate staffing. The more staff, the more likely children will be well-supervised, the more likely bullying behavior will be minimal, and the more likely it is that staff will themselves be unstressed and able to respond calmly. When you walk in, can you quickly find a staff member?
2. Well-trained staff. Of course, afterschool programs tend to hire the most inexpensive, inexperienced employees they can find: high school students, college students, and low-skill adults. So the need for good training is important, along with careful supervision by a highly-qualified leader. Ask about staff training and ask about the credentials of the program director.
3. Humane interactions. Children will copy what they see adults doing, so if staff seem controlling, harsh, or disinterested, children will be mean to each other, uninterested in others’ difficulties, and disengaged from the program itself. When you visit, notice how staff interact with children. Are they modeling respectful, pleasant behavior?
4. Activities that are fun for everyone. Not every child enjoys competitive sports, competitive games, and other activities that pit one child or team against another. Make certain that a variety of activities is offered and that competition is kept to a minimum.
5. Help with homework that is truly helpful. Most afterschool programs dedicate some time to completing homework. How this is handled can affect not only your child’s afternoon but his success in school. So homework supervision that is actually helpful and develops kids’ study skills and abilities is important. Ask how homework is handled before you enroll your child.

Certainly, families who use afterschool care need afterschool care – it’s not optional. And certainly there usually is only one program offered convenient to a child’s school. It’s unlikely that your family will have much choice in the matter.

But that’s not to say you don’t have influence. If the afterschool program at your child’s school seems inadequate, talk to the program director and to the school principal. The value of good afterschool programs is clear.

Good afterschool programs make children feel good about themselves and each other. Good afterschool programs inspire children to behave well. It’s worth it to make certain your child’s afterschool experience is a good one.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.

Parents know that television viewing doesn’t make children smarter. Most of us realize that television viewing actually makes children less smart, by taking up time that could have been devoted to more intellectually stimulating activities.

Now a new Canadian study of nearly 2,000 children puts actual numbers to what most parents know. Researchers found that every hour of television viewing over the recommended maximum of 2 hours per day, for children aged two and a half, reduces their kindergarten performance in vocabulary, math skills, classroom engagement, physical coordination, and social skills.

Here’s what researchers found: given the average amount of daily television viewing reported by parents of two-year-olds (they reported an average of 105 minutes, or a little more than an hour and a half), scientists at the University of Montreal calculated how far above this average corresponded with a difference in kindergarten readiness skills. They found that for every ‘standard deviation’ about the average – for about every additional 72 minutes of watching – children’s level of kindergarten readiness diminished significantly.

Lead researcher, Linda Pagani, wanted to know about TV’s effect on academic skills readiness, like vocabulary and math, but also on other abilities predictive of a happy kindergarten experience. She said, “I also wanted to focus on neglected yet crucial aspects of school readiness such as motor skills, which predict later physical activity and reading skills, likelihood of being “picked-on,” which predict social difficulties, and skills linked to doing what you are supposed to be doing when having been given instructions, which are in turn linked to attention systems that are regulated by the brain’s frontal lobe development.”

Pagani said, “This is the first time ever that a stringently controlled associational birth cohort study has looked at and found a relationship between too much toddler screen time and kindergarten risks for poor motor skills and psychosocial difficulties, like victimization by classmates.”

The implications for parents are clear: limit television viewing for toddlers and preschool children. Remember that even “educational television” detracts from children’s later abilities. Limit television viewing at home and ask about the amount of television viewing that goes on at daycare.

Parents who’ve come to rely on television to keep their little kids occupied might wonder what else they can do that won’t invite trouble. Here are some ideas:

1. Turn on background music. The problem is that if the TV is off, children who are used to it running may feel lost. Keep on music – any sort of music will do – and let children play with that as their background.
2. Keep off computers and handhelds. Don’t replace one screen (the television) with other screens. Although the study didn’t talk about DVD players and video games, remember that it’s all the same to your child’s brain.
3. Offer art supplies in an area that can get messy. Paints, crayons and markers are all fun.
4. Start a dress-up box of old clothes, hats, and other fun-starters. Spark your children’s imagination and pretend play.
5. Get outside. Running around, digging in the dirt, and picking up rocks and feathers are all great, brain-building activities.
6. Play with building toys. Blocks and Lego are good for both girls and boys, and teach math skills and coordination.
7. Set up a ramp (an old shelf on the edge of the couch works) and roll cars, balls, and whatever else will go. This is fun for every two-year-old.
8. Play in water. A dishpan of water – on the kitchen floor or out on the sidewalk – is fun for splashing, pouring, and floating things. Water play is great when children can’t think of anything else to do.
9. Dance. If the music is playing, get up and dance! A certain way to make kids laugh.
10. Play with an empty box. The bigger the box the better!
11. Have books available. Twos will sit and “read” stories to themselves. This is a key part of being ready for kindergarten three years into the future.
12. Just let play happen. Once the TV is off – and stays off – children will discover things to do all on their own. The simplest materials inspire children’s imaginations and adults just need to get out of the way.

The average amount of television viewing for the children in this study was just 105 minutes a day. Another 72 minutes (a total of about 3 hours) resulted in learning deficits. Another 72 minutes more (a total of about 4 hours) resulted in even greater learning loss.

Keep track. How much TV did your kids watch today? What else did your kids do instead?

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.

Everyone is familiar with the term ADHD. Unfortunately, the term is thrown around too frequently and inaccurately.  As a result, we are quick to label any child with behavior problems as having ADHD, which is not always true.  And in order for children to get the appropriate tools and services to help them, they need to be diagnosed properly.

Anyone can look at a list of symptoms of ADHD and identify with at least a handful of them.  Attached here is a complete description of the disorder from the DSM-5.

Overview of the DSM-5^TM medical classification system for ADHD

• A persistent pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development:¹
  • For children, six or more of the symptoms (Table) have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is inconsistent with developmental level, and that negatively impacts directly on social and academic/occupational activities. Please note: the symptoms are not solely a manifestation of oppositional behavior, defiance, hostility or failure to understand tasks or instructions¹
  • For older adolescents and adults (age 17 and older), five or more symptoms are required (Table)¹
• Several inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive symptoms present prior to age 12 years¹
• Several inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive symptoms present in two or more settings (e.g. at home, school or work; with friends or relatives; in other activities)¹
• Clear evidence that the symptoms interfere with, or reduce the quality of, social, academic or occupational functioning¹
• Symptoms do not occur exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or another psychotic disorder, and are not better explained by another mental disorder (e.g. mood disorder, anxiety disorder, dissociative disorder, personality disorder, substance intoxication or withdrawal).¹

DSM-5^TM diagnostic criteria for ADHD: symptoms of inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity. 

Symptoms of inattention 

• Often fails to give close attention to detail or makes mistakes Often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or activities
• Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
• Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork or workplace duties Often unable to play or engage in leisure activities quietly
• Often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
• Often avoids, dislikes or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort 
• Often loses things necessary for tasks or activities  
• Is easily distracted by extraneous stimuli 
•  Is often forgetful in daily activities 

 Symptoms of hyperactivity and impulsivity

• Often fidgets with or taps hands and feet, or squirms in seat 
• Often leaves seat in situations when remaining seated is expected
• Often runs and climbs in situations where it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to feeling restless) 
• Is often ‘on the go’, acting as if ‘driven by a motor’
• Often talks excessively 
• Often blurts out answers before a question has been completed
• Often has difficulty waiting their turn
• Often interrupts or intrudes on others

It is extremely important to remember that in order to properly receive the diagnosis of ADHD, one must show a persistent pattern of behavior that interferes with functioning or development.  In other words, just because your child is annoying and doesn’t always listen to you does not mean he has ADHD.

Sometimes, it is simply that the parenting skills need a bit of improvement in order to help your child behave more appropriately.  If the parenting skills are up to par, and you are still noticing problems both at home and getting reports that teachers are having similar problems at school, then it is more likely that there is actually an issue.

In order to be diagnosed with ADHD, the problems must be present in at least two different setting, such as home and school, or for adults, home and work.

Now that you’ve seen the list of symptoms and understand a little bit more about ADHD, I’m going to present two examples of what ADHD really looks like.  However, these are only examples–symptoms can differ from person-to-person. These examples are based on real children with the diagnosis of ADHD.

Inattentive Type

As a toddler, B was very active and easy going.  He reached all of his developmental milestones on time.  He loved to play and act silly and genuinely was happy just having fun.

Once he began kindergarten, problems started to emerge.  He became very forgetful, losing important items literally on a daily basis.  He would forget to take his lunch pail with him and would just leave it on the table where he ate and then run off to play, never going back for it.  He would lose his jacket every day, as he would just take it off and throw it wherever he was, not remembering to pick it up before he left.  He couldn’t remember to bring his backpack home, what his homework was, and so on.

While he is a bright child, he could not sustain attention during lessons, so by 2nd or 3rd grade, he was falling behind.  He began to act silly in class, so that nobody would notice that he didn’t know what page they were on or the answers to questions.  If another class was outside, or the school gardener was working, or an airplane flew over, or he could hear music, or noticed a fly buzzing around, his attention would shift to that instead of the lesson.

When given tasks or instructions, he had difficulty following them.  If the teacher gave three instructions at once, he usually only remembered one or two.  At home, if he was asked to do something, he usually forgot what he was supposed to do by the time he walked up the stairs.

As he got older, he continued losing things, even though his possessions were more valuable.  From school books to clothing to calculators and electronic devices, nothing was safe.  He began avoiding difficult tasks, and only signed up for the easiest classes in high school.  These classes still proved difficult for him, as his total lack of organization made it nearly impossible to keep up.

He required a lot of support both at home and at school to stay on task.  He needed a lot of reminders and assistance with organization.  He made it through high school, but school was always very much harder for him than for most kids.  Sometimes, the frustration led to depression and took a toll on his self-esteem.

Hyperactive/impulsive Type

Since birth, R never slept much.  He seemed to always be on the move, as if he was driven by a motor.  His family often joked that there was no off switch.  He hit most developmental milestones quite early.  He was walking and talking by 10 months old.

He always knew exactly what he wanted, and was persistent in insisting on having things his way.  Even as a toddler, he chose his own shoes and clothing, throwing what he didn’t like in the garbage!

Once he began nursery school, he could not sit still, even for a short period of time.  He often blurted while teachers were speaking and interrupted other children’s play. It seemed that he could not delay gratification. It had to always be his turn.  He was very social and talked a mile a minute.  He needed constant stimulation, which was exhausting to his family.

As he got older, it was clear he was extremely bright, but constantly fidgeting.  Even as a teenager, he could not sit still and continued to interrupt and annoy others.  This made him socially awkward and, as a result, it was difficult for him to keep friends.

_________________________________________________

In both of these cases, you can see that the symptoms were persistent and demonstrated both at home and at school.  These were not just defiant kids, but kids who were really struggling to manage what was expected of them and what was developmentally appropriate.  The good news is that once each of these kids were properly diagnosed and treated, they made great progress.  With a combination of talk-therapy, social skills training and medication, these kids were able to function at a high level.  With treatment, they improved in school, behaved better at home, and thrived socially.

If you suspect your child might have ADHD, it is best to get him assessed as soon as possible.  Like most things, early intervention and treatment is key to your child’s success and will allow for the best possible outcome.

Parenting is the hardest job around, and parenting a child with ADHD can be extra challenging.  The 5 tips below are free, available almost anytime, are good for both child and parent, and have no negative side effects!

1. Focus on your child’s strengths.  A kid with ADHD might not be great at tuning out distractions, but maybe she is great at divergent thinking, at being creative, or is wonderfully empathetic to others.  Always keep your child’s strengths in your focus—it helps them feel better, helps you feel better, and helps keep your relationship positive.
2. Take care of yourself so that you can take better care of your child.  If you are tired or hungry or stressed, you are going to be less able to handle the curveballs your kid might throw.
3. Stay peaceful.  Parents who lose their temper more often have kids who do the same.  One of the things your child needs to learn is how to handle upsets and frustrations, and one of the best ways for your child to learn this is by watching you.
4. Get outdoors, get active.  We all know that our bodies need exercise, but did you know that physical activity is also proven to help with mood regulation?   It worked as well as an antidepressant in one study!  Kids with ADHD especially need to run, jump, bike, hang, and roll around.  Indoor exercise is good, but bonus points if you go outside.  Play catch, play chase, play with the dog… anything that gets your kid—and you—moving!
5. Create routines.  All children, especially those with ADHD, need to know what to expect, and what is expected of them.  Having a typical daily schedule, or even just regular routines will help everyone: for example: after school you clean out your lunchbox, eat your snack, play in the backyard for 30 minutes, then spend 15 minutes on  homework.

The best news about these tips for parenting kids with ADHD is that they are great tips for parenting kids without ADHD, too.

Is your teenager lying to you? Probably. Think back: when you were a teen, did you ever lie to your parents or shade the truth in a way your parents would think was lying if they had known the whole story? Did you ever tell a portion of the truth, but not the whole truth? Have you done such things even as an adult? Even as recently as last week?

Studies have shown that 98% of American adults lie, meaning they don’t tell the whole truth all the time but edit the facts to protect themselves or to protect the person they’re lying to. A current insurance ad shows a fictive Abe Lincoln failing to lie to his wife at a moment when most of us would believe the kindest act would be to tell an untruth.

In the instances when a lie protects ourselves, not the listener, we may be forgiven for wanting to stay out of trouble. Guilt and shame are uncomfortable emotions most of us want to avoid. When guilt is accompanied by a punishment, we want to avoid admitting guilt even more. So lying is a natural reaction to wanting to avoid punishment and feel guilty and ashamed, as well as a way to avoid worrying or hurting the people we love. For children and teens, whose sense of integrity is still under development but whose sense of self-preservation is working just fine, lying seems like the logical course much of the time.

So is your teenager lying to you? Most likely, yes. The main question is what should you do about it?

First, never try to trap your child in a lie. If you know the truth or have a good suspicion, then don’t ask about the incident and provide an opportunity to lie. Instead, say what you know: “I see the bumper on the car is dented. Tell me about that.” This will get you more information than asking, “Did you dent the bumper?”

Second, never penalize the truth. This is a hard one, but it’s essential. When your child says, “Yes, I backed into a fence post when we took the car off-roading last night after Tommy gave us some beer,” you will be sorely challenged. But if you punish your child for telling the truth, you’ll never hear the truth again. So, after a stunned silence you will simply say, “Thanks for telling me. How do you plan to fix the bumper?” Later, you will talk about taking the car off-road and about Tommy and beer. But you will not punish your child for telling you the truth.

Third, model what you want to see. Tell your child the truth when she asks and if you can’t tell the truth about something, tell her that you can’t. But don’t lie. Demonstrate what integrity looks like. Telling the truth about anything is a leap of faith. Let your kids know that you can be trusted with the secrets they might want to keep to themselves.

At a recent soccer game for my six-year old daughter, I witnessed one of the messiest child meltdowns I have ever seen. The tantruming six-year old, fortunately, was not mine, and all the parents watched it unfold with Halloween-like horror across their faces. Yes, I had empathy for the mother as her daughter screamed and then pushed and punched her, but I also thought about how the mother was doing things that made the situation worse.

Take a look at the following simple steps to control a public meltdown in your child, and remember that the extreme tantrums are largely controllable.

Don’t pick up your school-age child as if she’s a toddler.

The first thing this stressed mother did when her daughter started screaming was to pick her up. Picking your child up is terrific if your child is a baby or a toddler, but parents shouldn’t be carrying their six- and seven-year old children, no matter how upset their children are! At this point, parents should be encouraging independence as opposed to the kind of dependence seen with babies and toddlers.

Remove your child from the crowd.

The next thing this parent did was to hold court in front of the many other kids and parents, and to get into a full-fledged argument with her daughter while everyone watched. If this happens to you, remove your child from the environment and move to a place where there is nothing stimulating or distracting.

At first, don’t talk to or touch your child.

In the first couple of minutes of a bad meltdown, don’t talk or try to touch your child in any way. The littlest thing can trigger your child in this situation, so simply act as a mirror and don’t do anything to add to the problem. Get down to your child’s eye level if your child is small and say this: “Okay, I am listening to you now. Tell me from the start what happened that made you upset.” Listen until they are done talking, and then say this: “Now I am going to talk, and it’s your turn to listen.” If your child will listen, tell them in two or three sentences what the lesson is. If your child won’t listen and starts to talk again, stop talking and listen again. Very soon they will have said everything they need to say, and they will calm down and listen.

Distract them by mentioning something fun or positive that will happen later in the day.

Distraction is one of the most helpful coping techniques for parents dealing with a nasty meltdown. Say, “I know you’re upset now, and I’m actually upset now, too, but in the back of my head I am also thinking we’ll be better later when we’re sitting on the couch and watching a movie with some popcorn [or insert something else positive that you can be doing later with your child].” Then get back to the point. “Anyhow, we can talk more about this later, but this is what I want you to do: I want you to go back and [insert what you want them to do]. If you can do that, I am not going to give you a consequence for screaming and acting up just now. This is your choice. Can you get back to normal now?” In most situations, the child will be ready to get back to what they were doing because they’ve had a chance to vent their frustration; they’ve been reminded that they have something to look forward to later in the day; and they have been told they won’t be punished if they make the good choice to control their mood and behavior.

Wisdom to remember: The goal for parents isn’t to prevent any meltdowns from ever happening. Instead, the goal is to prevent a meltdown from getting out of control. If you follow these simple steps, you can save yourself and your child an awful lot of stress and anxiety.