Sometimes you’re ready for your child to venture forth into kid society but she has trouble making a move. She may be just naturally slow to warm up. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if in addition to being reserved your child is also unsure of herself, then she needs some help to become more confident. Reserved but confident people are respected. Shy and uncertain people are often overlooked.

Two steps will help you as the parent of a shy child.

First, provide your child with a scripted response he can use in the most common situations he will face. He can be guided to nod his head and say “Hi” or “Hello” when meeting other kids or adults. He can practice saying “My name is….” when asked. Low-key, supportive practice at home will help boost his confidence when he needs to respond to strangers.

Second, ease the way in social situations by introducing your child instead of making her wait for a cue. Say, “Hi, Mia. This is Clara. Would you like to play in the sandbox with us?”  Play with Clara and Mia in the sandbox, modeling ways to talk about the play and share toys. Withdraw your interaction when Mia and Clara start to play without you. As your child becomes more capable, help her to initiate her own introduction and invitation to play, but be ready to guide gently if she gets stuck.

If you know your toddler or preschooler is shy, start now to give him the tools to manage social interactions. Don’t wait until the first day of school.

In addition, be careful to not label your child. Labels have a way of sticking. So don’t make the excuse, “Toby is shy.” And don’t fret with your child in public or laugh at him in your own nervousness or scold him. All of this makes the problem stronger,  both in your mind and in the mind of your child.

Experts suggest that parents model outgoing behavior so kids can see how a person introduces himself to someone new, finds a place for himself in a group, and strikes up a conversation. So do a quick self-check of your own social behavior to ensure you’re comfortable demonstrating to your child what social confidence looks like.

What do I say to my kids when they seem consumed with worry and despair for their futures and when tragedy cuts down innocent lives? When leaders demonstrate behaviors that I work hard to steer my children away from and demonstrate intolerance where I want to teach them tolerance? And in their day-to-day lives when they complain of teachers and kids treating them unfairly or feeling pressured to do what doesn’t interest them? I feel helpless when I can’t answer their questions.

More and more I hear parents describe their children as anxious and angry, who see no reason to strive in school, who seem engulfed in worry and despair. The worry is not voiced but shows up when they drop out of activities, lose friends and spend more time alone in their rooms gaming and on social media. Is this what’s happening to kids now because we are not tough enough on them or is this a reflection of the world we live in?

Children’s education is being boxed in to show competency on standardized tests. Few are getting what they need to excel in today’s world. Less and less feel inspired by what is out there. College degrees no longer guarantee jobs. Our political system is teaching that bullies win and minorities lose.

We lose sight of the picture our children see and instead reprimand them for being “lazy” and criticize the choices they make about how they spend their down time. Many kids remain focused on school-work and extracurriculars and are motivated to do well—the central core of kids the education system counts on, the core that establishes the bar the rest of the student population is held to. The rest feel overwhelmed in a world that seems to offer them nothing, that is unpredictable, and that looms large in their near and unsure futures. Sometimes it’s just easier to cop out.

When judging our children, it may be wise to keep their attitudes and behavior in perspective and look to the world they see. Unfortunately it becomes our challenge as parents and teachers to find inspiring ways to motivate them so the latest video game doesn’t win out.

How do we do that without feeling overwhelmed ourselves?

We need to support our children in ways that build resilience and self-confidence. But so many parents feel lost and discouraged and our own fears don’t model that confidence. So we try to shelter children from the ills of the world instead of going at the problem head-on with honesty and integrity. We do them a disservice when we could be inspiring them.

Working for a better world starts with changing the world within our own four walls—the world that influences our children the most and defines their sense of capability and enthusiasm.

Find ways to connect with and inspire your budding artists and revolutionaries:

• Honestly share your opinions concerning the world and our leaders with your tweens and teens. Encourage involvement in what’s happening. Watch or read news together so you can help make sense of it for them. Engage in non-violent protests, phone calls, emails with your teen when and if the news threatens your values.
• Listen and empathize when your child complains about “stupid” homework, “lousy” teachers, friends described as “jerks”. Empathizing means understanding his point of view. It does not mean agreement with it. When he feels heard, you are in a position to say, “What do you want to do about it? What do you think would help?”
• Encourage speaking up, gathering petitions, presenting opposing views, debating and arguing. And that starts at home. If your children aren’t allowed to argue with you, they will not be able to when needed.
• If your child has strong opinions but doesn’t want to get involved, honor that with your understanding. Continue sharing opinions at home.
• When facing any problem behavior, ask for your child’s side of the story first before making assumptions and judgments or giving advice. Knowing your child’s perspective will help you know how to proceed and allow your child to be heard.
• If your child promises he will not get involved in drugs or other worrisome behaviors, ask him why with genuine curiosity. Listen to the reasons he has decided are in his best interest. Admire his thinking process. The very act of putting them into words adds to his commitment and builds a thinking mind.
• Ask your child about examples of intolerance at school regarding ethnicity, gender, sexual preference, dress, even interests. Then ask her point of view, what she thinks is right and what she might like to do about it. Offer your admiration for views of tolerance and especially a desire to act on her beliefs.

Too many of us, and our children, feel the weight of being victims of the way things are. Encouraging engagement may lessen the amount of worry and despair that can feel overwhelming. Instead of keeping your kids in a safe bubble away from what you don’t want influencing them, it may be best to plunge into the deep end as long as there is a feeling of support and positive energy.

The BMI (Body Mass Index) is a tool for understanding obesity and its use in children is growing. Your pediatrician has probably used it at your child’s annual check-up and you may have seen it used in the school setting soon.

But what is it exactly?

The BMI is an assessment tool that looks at the relationship of weight and height, determining the status of a person’s body weight for their current height.  The BMI calculation will classify an individual as underweight, healthy weight, overweight, or obese.

The BMI is a screening tool that was developed for populations to determine public health risk for chronic diseases such as heart disease and diabetes. Its use in children over the age of two has increased over the years due to the rising incidence of childhood obesity. Most pediatricians are routinely assessing the BMI at your child’s annual check-up.

The best thing about the BMI measurement is it can help you see trends in your child’s growth and allow early intervention if needed. Normally, children grow along a self-established channel and curve. If there is a sudden jump up on the BMI growth curve, this may indicate your child is picking up extra weight. If there is a drop on the curve, weight loss may be a concern.

The BMI measurement has its limitations. For example, the BMI provides a total body index and does not differentiate body frame size and muscle mass from fat stores.  In other words, you may have a large-framed child that is muscular who may be classified as overweight or obese.  Looking at children as individuals including what they eat, how they eat, how physically active they are, and the parents’ frame size can help keep the right perspective when it comes to your child’s weight and interpreting his BMI result.

If you are told your child’s BMI is too high, consult with your pediatrician, registered dietitian, or other health care provider to gather information and education that is tailored to your child, family, and lifestyle.  An elevated BMI and the associated risks for chronic disease can be normalized and/or reversed with healthy eating, physical activity, and lifestyle changes.  For a BMI calculator tool, go to http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/dnpabmi/.

Be a parent, not a friend. We’ve all heard this saying countless times. But what does it really mean? And why can’t you be your child’s best friend? Isn’t that a good thing if my child sees me as a friend?

Being a parent, rather than a friend, doesn’t mean that you can’t have a respectful and loving relationship with your child. What it does mean is that you have to be the authoritative figure. Children are not emotionally or developmentally capable of setting boundaries and making good decisions for their own wellbeing. It’s your job to do that, even if it sometimes means that you have to be the “bad guy”.

If you’re always trying to please your child, afraid to set boundaries or enforce rules for fear of upsetting them, you are setting them up for failure and disappointment. The real world just doesn’t work that way. Society, even schools and jobs, are bound by countless rules and boundaries, and they will be enforced, even if your child doesn’t like it.

DO NOT let your child make all of his own decisions. He is not ready for that, and it causes stress. You can provide limited choices, discuss things, get his opinions and input, and then YOU, THE PARENT makes the decision. Whether it is about  which classes to take, summer camp, sports or anything else, YOU ULTIMATELY MAKE THE DECISIONS. Obviously, if your child says they hate baseball but want to play piano, you could probably make that happen. But if they want to take classes that are too hard or too easy, you have to make the judgment.

Many parents think it’s better to let their kids make their own decisions. Not always. As they get older and more mature, it is healthy to gradually give them more decision-making power over their own lives, but very slowly and with guidance. By the time they leave home, you do want them knowing how to make good decisions for themselves. But if you give them too much control too soon, it can cause anxiety and extra stress.

At the end of the day, we all want to have close, loving relationships with our children. And you still can. You just can’t be their best friend. Guide them, teach them, allow them be mad at you for doing what’s best or what’s right.   Eventually, they will become healthy adults who look up to you and respect you and strive to be like you. What more could any parent ask for?

Here are a few reasons why you need to be a parent, not a friend to your children.

1. Children need rules and boundaries to feel safe, stable and secure. It is your job as a parent to provide security and a stable environment for your child. You are not equals, and it is not a democracy. There is a hierarchy that must be enforced. This is accomplished with love, nurturing, rules and boundaries. You must learn how to be firm, but gentle. Having the structure and security of knowing what is expected and when helps reduce the amount of anxiety a child will feel.
2. Kids are not developmentally capable of making big decisions. Their brains are literally not developed yet, and specifically the parts of the brain necessary for making big and important decisions. Let’s be real here; young children are still trying to master the basic notion of what is right and what is wrong, and teens struggle daily with how to make good decisions for themselves. Do you really think these very youngsters should be making important decisions or have a lack of rules and boundaries to guide them? They absolutely should not. When you give children tasks they are not ready for, you could be setting them up for failure. It can have a negative impact on their self-esteem.

At the end of the day, we all want to have close, loving relationships with our children. And you still can. You just can’t always be their best friend. Guide them, teach them, and progressively let them make their own choices with the positive or negative consequences that follow. By slowly gaining control, they will eventually learn to make their own healthy choices. But for now, allow them to be mad at you for doing what’s best along the way. Your children will more likely look up to you and respect you for raising them to become responsible adults. What more could any parent ask for?

“I don’t want my child to do as she’s told. I want her to do things without being told!”  

So how do you get there? How do you get your child off the couch and into being helpful? Let’s talk about what you can do, starting today. But first, let’s find out why kids need to be taught to be helpful.

First, kids don’t see it.

Kids don’t notice that things are messy or that you need a hand opening the door or that the baby is fussing because he can’t reach a toy. Kids are naturally self-absorbed. They cruise along in their own little world and only notice a problem when it crashes into their happy mindset.

Second, helpfulness is a learned skill.

Becoming aware of others’ needs and being helpful doesn’t just happen. Children don’t just grow into it all on their own. They need to be taught how to recognize that others are having a problem and taught how to step in to help. This means that you have to teach this.

And, third, every child can become more helpful.

Everyone can learn to be self-reliant and more thoughtful. Don’t provide your child with the excuse that he’s too young or too unskilled.  And don’t convince yourself that letting your child help is too much work for you. She can do this. You can help her learn.

It’s important. Part of being an adult is being able to manage one’s own affairs, make decisions, and demonstrate sound social skills. These are key elements of becoming a helpful kid. They’re the first steps on the road to autonomy. Children’s desire for autonomy is our way in.

Competence, capability and contribution

Kids want autonomy. They want to be able to do things themselves and be admired for it. A feeling of independence comes about through feeling competent, capable and valued through their contribution. So your efforts to engage your children in helping out around the house will help teach them to be helpful.

Competency. That’s the feeling that “I did it. I did it by myself.” In order to feel this way, a child needs to have a task on his radar screen and to know what it takes to do it and when to know the job is done. The task has to have a defined beginning and – even more important – a defined end. So a task that contributes to a feeling of competence is getting all the toys off the floor before bedtime. “Keeping your room neat” is not so well defined and it has no clear endpoint.

Capability. This is the feeling that I am powerful, I have skills and abilities, and I have impressed even myself with my own success. To feel capable, the task a child is set has to stretch him. It has to be a challenge. It can’t be too easy. This is where we parents often get tripped up. We think that to get our kids to help out, we should assign them a task that’s no challenge. Instead, appeal to your child’s desire to feel capable of great things. This desire is satisfied by challenging tasks.

Contribution. Does this task matter? Does anyone care? This is why cleaning the garage is more fun than cleaning one’s own room. A clean garage matters to other people. A clean garage is a real source of pride and truly contributes to the happiness of the family. Kids love to feel like they’ve made a real contribution.

Now let’s talk about what you can do.

1. Think about your child. What does he like to do, what is he good at, what task would he think is challenging and grown up? Your child can be any age, and the task will obviously change with the age of the child.

2. Choose one task to start. It should be something that can be repeated at regular intervals. It should be something that provides obvious clues that it’s “time” to perform the task. It should have obvious indicators that the task has been completed and completed well. Its success should be within the control of the child. And it should operate on a fairly short timeframe, depending on the age of the child.

Examples:

Regular intervals: Good choice – take the bins to the curb on trash pick-up day; less-good choice – change a burned-out light bulb.

Obvious trigger clues: Good choice – keep the dog’s dish filled with clean water; less-good choice – keep the house neat

Obvious completion indicators: Good choice – take clean dishes out of the dishwasher; less-good choice – pick up all the pine cones and sticks that fall on the lawn.

Within child control: Good choice –  find all the books to go back to the library;  less-good choice – Keep your sister out of trouble

Short timeframe: Good choice – water the grass every week; less-good choice – keep the grass watered all summer

3. Tell your child what you want her to do. Talk with your child about your need for her help. Reinforce the importance of the task and how grateful you’ll be to have it completed. Help her to imagine making you happy. Be sweet, be pleasant but be clear that doing the task is not optional.

Tell her what

Tell her when or by when

Tell her what the goal is

4. Let your child decide how he’ll do the task. In order to develop a sense of ownership and autonomy, it’s important that at least some of how the chore is done be under the child’s control. You may need to teach how you do things, just to give your kid an idea. But if he does it a different way, let him try that. Let this be his task.

5. Remind him to come to you if he needs help.  Ask him if he’d like your help the first time. Thank him for taking this on.

6. Step back and be quiet. Will your child do the task the way you would do it? No. Will she make mistakes the first time? Yes. But you must let her own the task and find out for herself how to do it and how to do it better.

7. Remind if necessary. Your child may not have thought you were serious, especially if nothing has been asked of him before or if in the past he’s been able to slip by without doing what he promised. You must follow through and make sure he starts the task within your agreed-on timeframe.

8. Thank, inquire and reassign. When the task is done, thank your child, no matter how poorly the result is. Then ask your child how the task went. Let the child say the job was not done very well if it wasn’t.  Let her own the task and own the outcome. If the job was not done to standard, and the child doesn’t seem to see this, suggest one improvement for next time. No matter how well or poorly the task was completed, reassign it for tomorrow or whenever the next reasonable time to do the task is.

You might be thinking right now that this sounds like a lot of work – for you. And, yes, initially it is. You might be thinking that this is all more bother than it’s worth. You’d rather do the jobs yourself….

And that’s been the problem all along, right? Because you haven’t committed before to teaching your children how to do jobs, they haven’t learned to do them. They may even believe you don’t really want them to do chores. You may have sent the message that don’t think they can do hard things.

Remember that the main reason for kids to do chores is not so much the chores themselves, those it’s nice to have some of those done. The main reason is to teach children responsibility and initiative, to guide children in working collaboratively, to develop feelings of altruism and working for something larger than themselves, and to learn specific task-related skills. This is why letting children decide when and how to do a task is important. This is why letting kids evaluate their own work makes sense. And this is why making certain that children own their tasks and are responsible for them is so key.

What you are doing here is developing attitudes and character. That’s why doing chores is important. That’s why you’ll want to start your children doing chores today.

It’s hard to get along with your teenager. Not only have they become more focused on their friends and probably a bit moody as well, you and your teen truly want different things. They want independence, freedom, and just to have fun. You want them to be safe, be responsible and make good decisions. Often, in their efforts to achieve their goals, they fail to satisfy what it is that you as parents want, and actually need. And herein lies the biggest source of conflict between teens and parents.

Teens often express to me that their parents are always mad at them or never let them do anything. Parents often complain that their teens never do as told or all always unpleasant. First, I caution against the use of the words always or never. Are they literally always unpleasant, or literally never do as told? I doubt it. Be honest here, and figure out what the reality is. It might feel like always or never, but can you think of some exceptions? Like when you had dinner, or a BBQ, or watched a movie together? Maybe if they took out the trash or did the dishes?

Things aren’t always as black and white as they seem. So, while it might feel like it always or never, it very rarely is true. There is a bigger question here, though, which is why are you feeling angry so much of the time, and why aren’t you allowing your teen to do more of what they want? This is where the differences between teens and parents needs and wants really pop up.

If you feel that your teen is not behaving safely, responsibly, or appropriately, you’re going to have a problem. It is your job as parents to keep your child safe, and to teach them how to behave appropriately. You can and will likely do literally anything and everything to see to it that this occurs. The problem is that most of this couldn’t be further from your teen’s mind. Their goals are to be with their friends and have fun, and somehow for them, the end justifies the means. In other words, they don’t think too much about what they’re doing, as long as they get what they desire.

Often, the conflict between teens and parents causes them to behave even worse. You’ve said no to something, largely due to their own behavior, but they just double down and get mad and determined to get what they want anyway. Now, they are being defiant, since you have already said no, and they are perpetuating the cycle of not getting what they want because they’ve not given you what you need. The good news is that this cycle can be broken, and if you can both do it successfully, you will very likely get along better and everyone will get more of what they want.

Here are some tips:

1. Keep your teen’s goal in mind at all times. They simply want to do what they want to do.
2. Think about your goals at all times. You want to know they are safe, making good choices, and telling the truth.
3. Encourage them to choose behaviors that confirm for you that they will stay safe, that they’re making good decisions, and that they are trustworthy. This might not come easy for them. They need plenty of guidance, reminders, and examples.
4. Make it clear to them that you expect them to show you with action and behavior, not just words, that they deserve the privileges and permissions they so desire.
5. Discuss constantly and openly how they are doing with this, and how they’re feeling about you. Ask what you all could be doing better.
6. Give them more trust, freedom and independence, once they make you feel more comfortable granting this. It might be scary, but you have to try. Start with small things, baby steps.
7. Don’t be surprised by setbacks. You are all human. You will both mess up sometimes. As parents, when your teen messes up, you will need to respond accordingly. They might take three steps forward and two steps back sometimes. That’s okay, as long as everyone can acknowledge what went wrong, learn from it, and move forward. Use these as teaching moments with your teen.
8. Help your teen realize that the outcome largely depends on them. So often, teens feel out of control, like their parents have all the power. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Sure, you can prevent them from doing something you don’t want them to do, but if they become the best possible person they can be, you won’t want to stand in their way.

It’s not just your imagination.  Teen suicide rates are rising at alarming rates.  The suicide rate for white children and teens between 10 and 17 was up 70% between 2006 and 2016, the latest data analysis available from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Although black children and teens kill themselves less often than white youth do, the rate of increase was higher — 77%.  Just recently in California, Four students who attended Rancho Cucamonga school districts — a 10-year-old boy, a 15-year-old girl, a 16-year-old girl and a 16-year-old boy — died by suicide from Aug. 6 to Aug. 19, officials said this week.

This is unacceptable and something needs to change.  Schools, parents, communities and teens must take an active role in helping to stop this from happening to more families.

The response in Rancho Cucamonga has been incredible and appropriate. Therapists were deployed to each school to assist grieving students and staff. A total of 18 marriage and family therapists, 54 counselors, 27 psychologists and five psychotherapists are available to students across the district’s 12 schools.  Furthermore, they have committed to expanding partnerships with mental health providers, increasing programming around the topic of suicide, and including suicide education and prevention in the curriculum.

This is great news, and this is what every single school in our nation needs to do.  And they need to do it now.  Offering services as a response to a tragedy is a great way to try and prevent more tragedies, but let’s face it, other schools can’t afford to wait.  They need task forces to do their jobs and help prevent teen suicide so that not another single family ever has to experience losing their child to suicide.

Teens today have to deal with so much pressure.  Schools and colleges are far more competitive than ever before, putting undo stress on our youth.  Kids are taking too many AP and otherwise difficult classes all at once in an effort to get into the best schools.  They are spending so much time preparing for SATs and ACTs and volunteering and taking music lessons and doing extracurriculars, all for the purpose of submitting the “perfect application” to college.  In doing so, though, teens aren’t getting to be teens.

Teens are supposed to be able to balance school with social lives and interests, learning more about who they are and figuring out what kinds of person they want to be.  When their every move is being scrutinized on social media, when not an ounce of privacy or respect for personal boundaries exists any longer, and when bullying is easier and more prevalent than ever, the stress becomes insurmountable.

And for many, suicide appears to be the only way out.  It is not; suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Parents, you must take action and become part of the solution.  Lighten up and stop putting so much pressure on your teen to be perfect.  Let your teen be a teen.  Be supportive.  Make sure your teen know they can come to you with ANY issue.  Teach your children to use social media appropriately, and monitor it regularly.  Don’t let your child be a bully.  Teach them kindness and compassion, and to reach out to someone who might need a friend.  Let them know to speak up when they have a problem or when they believe someone else is having trouble or struggling. Urge your schools to do more with programming and educating both staff and students about suicide prevention.  Demand they provide students with the resources to get the help they need when they need it.

When teens feel they don’t have a safe place to reach out to someone and confide in them, their pain and desperation can be lethal.  And remember, if someone tells you that they are thinking about killing themselves, always believe them and try to get help.  When you or your teen see someone posting a threat or a farewell message on social media, don’t ignore that.  It is a cry for help and/or a way of letting others know they have a plan.

Don’t sit quietly and watch them succeed in carrying out that plan.  Band together as a community of parents, friends, students and neighbors, and help each other through the difficult teenage years.  Make ending teen suicide a priority and a reality. You and your teens must band together and become a strong and powerful force in this effort.  Together, you can make a difference.

If you or someone you know needs help:

Call 911…

OR:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Call 1-800-273-8255

Available 24 hours everyday

OR:

Reach out via chat

Lifeline Chat

Depression. It’s a word we hear a lot about. Teens facing depression, Postpartum Depression, Major Depression, and more, have become common issues that we hear about and talk about regularly. And we all have an image in our minds of what depression looks like. We imagine crying and laying in bed all day, unable to function or go to work or school. While sometimes it can look like that, it’s not very common for the symptoms to be so extreme. Would you really know if you or someone you loved was depressed?

It’s important that we all learn what depression really looks like, in order to help ourselves and others get the help we need. Knowing what to look for will enable people to get help faster, feel better, and cause less damage to relationships, work, and school. The truth is, it could even save lives by preventing potential suicides.

Here is list of some common symptoms of depression, and examples of what this actually looks like in real life:

1. Depressed mood: Some people describe this as feeling sad, empty or hopeless. This is not always melodramatic. Feeling empty can look like sitting home alone. Feeling hopeless can look like not liking your job. Sometimes people are very tearful. But in children and adolescents, the can look like irritable mood, which is pretty much every teenager. You cannot judge if one is depressed based on this symptom alone.
2. Lack of interest or pleasure in activities. This doesn’t always look like someone making a blatant statement that they don’t want to do this or do that. It looks like apathy. If you ask where they want to go or what they want to do, they will simply say, “I don’t know” or “I don’t care”. Again, it doesn’t typically raise a red flag, but when you look at the big picture, if a number of symptoms are present, it is probably depression.
3. Significant weight loss or weight gain, without trying. This could also look like a decreased appetite. This often goes unnoticed, as perhaps this is a person who has gained or lost weight before, so it doesn’t seem odd. It could be someone in midlife, whose body is likely to change anyway. So, this symptom really does tend to get overlooked.
4. Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much. This symptom could be easily explained by any number of other circumstance. People who don’t sleep could say they’re just stressed and have too much to do, while those who sleep a lot will just say their week was exhausting or they’re not feeling well. And teenagers tend not to want to sleep at night, but then enjoy sleeping late in the morning or even the afternoon. It makes it hard to notice if this is a symptom they are experiencing.
5. Observable restlessness or moving extremely slow. Granted, some people are like this all of the time. What you’re really looking for is a change from before. If all of a sudden someone is very active or fidgety, or really dragging, and they aren’t usually like that, be aware that it could be depression.
6. Fatigue or loss of energy every day. So, really, who doesn’t feel fatigued? Who doesn’t lack energy at some point of the day? We’re looking for something a little bit more pervasive than what you’d expect to see on a daily basis, but this can be easy to overlook, as some amount of this is totally normal. Maybe a mom who is too tired every night to cook dinner or bathe her children. Could be someone who naps during the day, even after a full night’s sleep.
7. Feeling worthlessness or extreme guilt. When someone feels bad about everything, even when the issues are totally normal, it can easily get framed as being sensitive. And worthlessness can look like humorous self-deprecating. Pay attention to this symptoms in the context of all the others. Because some people are just funny and sensitive, but sometimes it’s a sign of depression.
8. Difficulty thinking, concentrating, or making decisions. This one gets brushed over as just being too tired or stressed to focus. But it’s a very common and important symptom to pay attention to. Someone who never knows what they want or doesn’t seem to care about anything could be depressed. Not being able to focus and get tasks done can really get in the way of functioning, so it’s really important to know that this could be from depression.
9. Thoughts of death, suicidal ideation or suicide attempt. While these seem to be very clear to most of us, we often overlook the thoughts of death. Because it’s not only thoughts and plans to take your own life, it could be an obsession with dark themes about death, too. How many times after a tragic shooting have you heard that the shooter was interested in death themes?
10. Lastly, if the symptoms are causing distress or impairment in one’s functioning, then it is surely a sign that depression is at play. That means that school or work is suffering. It means that relationships are being negatively impacted. It means that parenting has become too difficult. These symptoms are a good gage for determining when there is actually a problem or when it’s just normal.

Don’t ignore when you think you or someone you love might be depressed. Talk about with a loved one or trusted friend, and by all means reach out for help. There are therapists and doctors ready and able to help, and you will feel so much better. There is no shame in feeling depressed, and you are not alone.

This illustration helps parents understand brain dysregulation, so they can pick & choose appropriate interventions based on their child’s brain functioning at any given moment.

To say it another way–this helps make sense of your child’s tantrums, explains why some things  you do just make things worse, and gives a parent guidance for what TO do instead.

This is the concept that parents, over and over, have told me has been most helpful for them, in understanding and managing behavior.