Like you’ve never done it.

Like you’ve never said, “If you eat your vegetables, you can have dessert.”
Like you’ve never said, “Get an A in math this term and I’ll give you five bucks.”
Like you’ve never said, “You can stay up 15 minutes later tonight for every run you score in softball today.”

There’s no denying it. When we can’t think of any other way to get our kids to perform, we sweeten the pot. We offer a bribe. And usually our bribes work. Kids rise to the bait and do what we want.

So what’s so wrong with that? If bribes work, why do they make us feel queasy? Why do experts – yours truly included – warn against relying on bribery to motivate children? Where’s the downside?

There are a couple problems with making a practice of offering bribes. Bribes stunt a child’s development as a fully-functioning person and, at the same time, bribes undermine your authority as a parent. Not exactly what you expected. Let’s look more deeply.

When we offer a bribe as a motivator, we change the dynamic of the experience. Now the person who is being bribed is acting, not based on his own values and interests, but based on the values and interests of someone else. He has been transformed into a puppet. He is not a fully-functioning person. This is why offering a bribe and taking a bribe are crimes for adults.

For children, who are learning how to make decisions intelligently, being bribed short-circuits this development. It detours the growth of the prefrontal cortex – the area of the brain needed for judgment and weighing consequences. The child who does something because she will be rewarded is unable to see past the reward to the true values the rewarded actions support. She is a less-moral person.

The second problem arises the day she turns the tables on you. Sooner or later your child will say, “Eh. I don’t care about that reward.” Or, she will start to run the bribe herself. When you ask for something, she will say, “What will you give me if I do?” Now her compliance is the bribe; she will do as you ask only if you agree to pay out. In both these cases, you are put in the position of having to up the ante to get the same results as before. Now it is you who are being manipulated.

While rewards work okay once in a while, they do not make a sound long-term strategy. Eventually the reward is no longer enough. Along the way, your child is diverted from growing into someone who can motivate himself.

If you tend to use bribes, it will take some effort to get out of them. Your child is used to being rewarded and is used to you making all the decisions. You must switch to a system in which your child rewards himself.

So ask him, “When you finish all your vegetables, how will you reward yourself?” Maybe he’ll say he gets dessert but maybe he’ll say he gets to play on the computer for half an hour.

Ask her, “When you work hard and get an A in math next term, how will you celebrate?” Let your child make the plan; if you make it, it is you creating a reward not her taking charge. Keep in mind that getting an A in math may not be entirely within your child’s control. Help her to set contingencies in case she misses her goal.

And ask your child, “When you score a run today, how would you like to celebrate that?” Maybe your child will say only that he will do a little dance on home plate. Maybe he will plan to high-five everyone on the team. Who knows?

The point here is that rewards that are important to the person (researchers say “salient”) are more effective than rewards set by someone else. Everyone wants to be her own boss and control her own fate. Children too. And setting goals for oneself and monitoring one’s own progress are key life skills.

Don’t derail these skills by manipulating bribes. Instead, guide your child in managing himself.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.

Whenever I talk to parents about ending the use of rewards and punishments, I hear, “But doesn’t my child have to experience a consequence for her behavior?” Sounds logical; sounds appropriate. The problem is most parents don’t allow the kinds of consequences that actually teach lessons—natural ones.

Natural consequences of behavior often bring with them sadness, anger, disappointment, even failure for our children, which sometimes reflects negatively on us. We will do anything to avoid that—even by punishing. Taking away a privilege often shuts down a child’s unpleasant feelings or coerces corrected behavior—so we get what we want and think it’s working. Leaving our children to the natural consequences of their behavior may feel like abandoning them to the wolves.

Handing over the job of homework to your child may mean it doesn’t get done or presented on time. Can you allow that? When children are hitting each other day in and day out, are you willing to learn how to facilitate conflict resolution so they learn to work out their own problems or do you insist on taking something away, blaming one of them, or enforcing separation? Far easier.

If your child screams, “I hate you” and you isolate her or tell her she doesn’t get to watch TV, she feels unheard, misunderstood and very angry. She is trying to tell you something that she does not have the ability to say more maturely (hmm, do you ever react with an immature emotional outburst?) You will be more responsible when you genuinely listen, get to her level and say something like, “You sound so mad at me. You wish I had said something different and you don’t want to get ready to go.” Now she will at least feel heard and thus be more likely to cooperate.

Do you ever feel inspired to cooperate with someone who holds power over you by threatening what will happen if you don’t do what is asked? No. You may do it—but out of fear of the repercussions. That is not cooperation. That is not coming from a desire to help and support.

What about simply saying, “I don’t like that. That’s not okay with me. You clearly want X and I want Y. How can we make this work for both of us?” That requires time and negotiation to resolve a problem. It also means you have to be willing to say “No, that doesn’t work for me. What else can we think of?” It also means establishing a trusting relationship so that your child stays in the problem solving discussion because he knows you will work it out fairly and logically. It’s much easier to just send him to his room.

Children thrive on fairness and logic. Fairness does not mean, liking it. But when it makes sense they are more likely to buy into it. Taking away an iPhone because your son didn’t empty the dishwasher when you asked makes no sense and therefore provokes resistance and anger.

Saying, “As soon as the dishwasher has been emptied, I will be happy to take you to your practice. Let me know when you’re ready” does not make your son jump for joy, but it is the logical outcome if emptying the dishwasher is an agreed on chore.

The natural consequence for not unloading the dishwasher as promised is a parent who doesn’t feel like fulfilling the next request of the child. “I see the dishwasher still needs emptying. I will get you a snack after I see that has been done. Until then, I don’t feel like helping you, when you don’t help me.”

“I want the dishwasher emptied so I don’t have to do all the clean-up. Is that something I can count on you for or is there another part of cleanup that you would agree on?” Offer choices so your child doesn’t feel ordered. Nobody likes that.

When we threaten, take away privileges, or isolate them from us, we are breaking connection and harming our relationship. If your spouse began ignoring you or calling you names, I doubt you would tell him he can’t use the computer for the weekend. You would know there is a problem with the relationship. Why should it be any different with your child.

Notice that there is not one threat or statement of blame in anything I have suggested. Firmness in setting limits, in expecting help, in getting cooperation never needs blame, threat or consequences.