In a culture plagued with weight problems and thin idealism, it’s no wonder kids are asking their parents, “Do you think I’m fat?” According to a 2008 Canadian survey, 37% of ninth grade girls and 40% of tenth grade girls believed they were, in fact, too fat.

Many parents are blind-sided by this question and are stumped into silence or heading to Google, the doctor, or a friend for advice. According to Laura Lewis, a psychotherapist and eating disorder specialist in Nashville, TN, the timing of this question is an important factor in deciding how to respond. “If this is the first time this question has come up, tell them they look fantastic, and make sure to stay away from using words like ‘big’ or ‘small’, ‘thin’ or ‘heavy’,” states Lewis. If this is not the first time the question has been asked, then this is a real concern that needs your time and attention. “Sit down with your child and have a conversation, beginning with, “you have asked me this question a couple of times—what’s this about?” she advises.

Lewis states that kids get these questions from a variety of influences, including their own parents, peers, and the media. Coming up with a thoughtful and meaningful response depends upon the influence your child is concerned about.

The Parent: Without even knowing it, parents pass on their own body image and weight concerns to their children. “If you find yourself asking, “Do I look good?” or “Do I look fat in these jeans?” to your hubby or other family members, you may want to temper those questions in front of the kids,” says Lewis.

The Peers: Children surround themselves with their friends and find themselves in situations where body comparisons come naturally, such as the gym and the locker room. Particularly during pre-adolescence, the child has a developmental urge to find out if they are normal. “Answering the question, “Am I normal?” is developmentally on target and relies, in part, on looking at others and comparing oneself with others,” states Lewis.

The Media: The ‘thin is in’ ideal makes its mark on children, too. And when you combine media power with a general desire to fit in, it’s easy to see how questions about self-worth and inadequacy can surface.

So what can parents do?

Most importantly, your child needs to hear you accept and love them regardless of what they look like. Period.

Here are some other things Lewis encourages parents to keep in mind:

Respect and Honor your own body. No matter what the size or shape it is—it is your body after all–and the body that produced your child, and takes you where you want to go.

Tolerate normal child growth.  Pre-pubescent girls and boys gain weight in preparation for the rapid growth of the teen years and this is a normal process.

Focus on your child’s inner qualities. Begin pointing out inner qualities as early as possible to help build self-esteem and worthiness.

Limit media influences. Think twice about buying that fashion magazine for your 11 year old and be sure to scrutinize the TV shows your child is watching.

Attitude is everything! Everybody has value, no matter what it looks like.

When your child asks, “Do you think I’m fat?” she is asking you to discuss your values and ideals about body weight, shape and size. He is also giving you the option to debunk media messages, thin idealism, show your acceptance and assure love. Seems like a golden opportunity to me.

One of the three rules Dr. Kristopher Kaliebe suggests to overcome childhood obesity caught my attention.

In an article published in April in the Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Dr. Kaliebe presented his three “simple rules.” The first two were not much of a surprise: Rule One: Eat Food – Not Too Much and Mostly Plants – that is, natural, unprocessed fruits, vegetables and grains, and Rule Two: Get Up and Move. Certainly eating nutritious food and exercising daily are tactics just about everyone knows are essential in helping kids towards a healthy weight.

The third rule, though, surprised me.  Dr. Kaliebe’s Rule Three is Honor Silence.

What? “Honor Silence”?  What does he mean and why?

According to Dr. Kaliebe, “The pediatric obesity crisis arose from systemic changes in society and multiple dynamic interacting risk factors. It has been paralleled by increased mental health problems that seem interrelated.” Which is to say that children’s obesity is often accompanied by high levels of anxiety and stress, poor sleep, and disruptive behavior. By slowing down the pace of children’s lives and reducing the everyday sensory assault most of us are under, children’s health and their weight will normalize.

By honoring silence, we take control of the beeping, buzzing, flashing insistence of machines and replace it with quiet. What would your child’s life be like if it were quieter? For one thing, says Dr. Kaliebe, your child’s life might be lighter in weight.

We are so used to lights and noise that we scarcely notice how surrounded we are with technological interruptions. Silence seems spooky. Maybe it’s time to bring silence back.

Many people are observing “Screen Free Week” this week. I’m not asking that you or your children give up all your screens for even a day. But I am asking you do that for an hour. An hour every day. An hour every day for more than just a week.

1. Find a time every day when all screens and noisy toys are off. This could be the last hour before children go to bed, since it’s been demonstrated that the light from screens interferes with the sleep hormone melatonin.
2. Once you find a time, turn things off. The television, the computer, your phone, your e-reader and tablet, the radio, your music, Tickle Me Elmo and all other noisy toys. Notice how many things interfere with the peacefulness of the evening! Turn them all off.
3. Help children find things to do. Read or look at books with the children. Work puzzles. Play board games. Take a walk. Garden. Draw. Putter around the house. Watch the stars come out. Listen to the birds as they sing themselves to sleep. Just sit and talk with each other. Kids may have trouble at first keeping occupied without the usual noisy entertainments. You may have trouble. Work at this together.
4. Soak up the silence. Our lives are filled with busy-ness. In the quiet notice your own stress levels going down.

Overweight and obesity are symptoms of life’s problems as much as they are problems in themselves. By reducing the stress in life, we may improve children’s health and happiness and make many of the problems that beset us fade away.

Try it. Try being calmly quiet together for a little while every day.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Join Dr. Anderson in an online conference for teachers and parents. Find out more at Quality Conference for Early Childhood Leaders