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Has this ever happened at your house?

Your child sits bolt upright in bed, eyes open in the dark, screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs. You shake him gently but he continues to holler. He flaps his arms and trembles, seemingly terrified, but he won’t stop and he won’t say what’s wrong.

After at least 10 minutes of this (what must the neighbors be thinking?) he subsides and allows himself to be tucked back in. Trembling yourself now, you go back to bed. The same thing has happened every night this week.

This is a night terror. It’s not the same as a bad dream.

A dream happens during Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep, when a child can be awakened. This is the problem with bad dreams, after all, that they wake a child up. But a night terror occurs in the deepest levels of sleep when it’s nearly impossible to awaken a child. This is why you can’t get him to stop.

And it gets worse: night terrors recur. They often happen night after night after night.

Night terrors are most common in preschool children. They may be related to some anxious situation that happened during the day, including a major family disruption. One way to make night terrors stop is to figure out what is upsetting the child and fix that situation if you can.

Another way is to intercept the night terror before it starts. Because these episodes usually happen at about the same time each evening, you can often head them off by waking the child up just before a “scheduled” event. Rouse her just enough to bring her from fully asleep to drowsy (though you can wake her up enough to get a sip of water or go to the bathroom if you like). Breaking the cycle often works.

Children outgrow night terrors but before they do night terrors can strike real fear into a sleepy parent’s heart. Understanding what these episodes are and how to handle them makes everyone sleep better!

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Bad dreams are no fun for anyone but they can be a worry for parents. If your child has a bad dream, does it mean anything? Does it mean anything bad? And what can you do to make the bad dreams go away?

Dreaming is something everyone does. You dream more than an hour and a half every night, even though you may not be aware of it. We can guess that babies dream. Newborns experience much more REM (rapid-eye movement) sleep than do adults and REM sleep is associated with dreaming in adults and children. So babies probably dream. We just have no idea what they dream about.

Children ages three to about five dream of simple things, like a bird. These dreams don’t seem to have any story behind them but kids are aware of them and kind of puzzled. They are not entirely sure what is going on. For them, the dream is “in the room.” As far as they’re concerned, dreams are not in their heads but right there, actually happening in their bedrooms. No wonder small children are unnerved by their dreams of big dogs and monsters.

Children ages seven or so include themselves in their dreams and also include other people they know. Their dreams tend to be located in familiar situations. Kids this age might have scary dreams with real story lines. These older children, who understand that they can think thoughts, are more easily convinced than are younger kids that dreams are not physically real. But even for them bad dreams can be upsetting and a cause for sleeping with the lights on.

Children ages eleven to thirteen start to dream in complex story lines that might be allegorical or symbolic. Now children can dream memorably fantastic dreams that seem “to mean something.” Do you remember a dream from your teen years that has stuck with you all this time?

Mostly, dreams are not a cause for concern. Your child might need some comforting in the night but then not even remember the dream in the morning. Kids’ dreams don’t need interpretation, and if you think you can figure out what triggered a particular dream for your child, you should probably keep this knowledge to yourself. Don’t bring up the dream over breakfast just because you are “curious.”

But notice if dreams seem to recur or make your child anxious. Nightmares and disturbing dreams, especially dreams that recur frequently, can mean your child is under some sort of stress during the day. See if there are things going on that you can smooth out for your child or that might be helped by a heart-to-heart talk. Pay attention to increased levels of stress in her life, like issues at school, family troubles, or overscheduling. Do what you can to relieve this pressure.

There is also evidence that bad dreams can be caused by scary plots and disturbing images in movies and video games. If your child is troubled by dreams, dial back his media consumption and monitor more closely the content of what he does watch. Scary entertainment isn’t fun if it keeps everyone up at night.

Keep in mind that “night terrors” – out-of-control screaming by a preschool child at about the same time every night – are not real dreams at all. They occur during the deepest levels of sleep, not during REM sleep. One way to derail night terrors is to wake the child just before an episode typically occurs. If a night terror tends to hit at 11:30 pm, then wake your child at 11 or 11:15. Take him to the bathroom, get him a glass of water, or something similar, just to break the pattern he’s fallen into. You might find this trick helpful in sidetracking ordinary bad dreams as well.

Bad dreams are more a problem for parents than for children, who seem to be able to fall back asleep readily while you lie awake and stew. Certainly, if you think the issue is more serious than normal bring it up with your pediatrician.

But with a little reassurance, everyone can sleep better at night!

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

The year I was three I was scarred for life. I saw the re-release of the Disney movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and was terrified by the Evil Queen. Then I was frightened by a Halloween pig mask that my parents hid on a high shelf in the hall closet after it became clear the mask gave me the willies. Then I was afraid of that closet.

Follow that with those horrible flying monkeys in the televised presentation of The Wizard of Oz when I was seven and you have a pattern of early media-induced trauma that lingers to this very day. My parents didn’t try to scare me. But scary stuff happened. How about you? Do you have scary memories that haunt you?

Haunting memories not only linger but they get in the way of a child’s present day life too. Goodness knows, you don’t want your child to suffer from nightmares inspired by scary fun. And you don’t want him to live in fear of “ordinary scares” either. So how can you protect your child from feeling terrified without over protecting him? Here are some tips.

Respect your child’s feelings. If he says it’s scary, it’s scary. Don’t tell him it’s not. And never suggest he’s a baby or that he’ll like this sort of thing more when he’s a big boy, or that big boys don’t cry about stuff like that. You might be surprised by what your child finds unnerving but that doesn’t make him wrong.

Dial down the sensations. Your child’s tender sensibilities haven’t been dulled by years of media violence as yours have. Your child doesn’t realize that in a kids’ show the ending will always be happy. She doesn’t “get” that something’s just a puppet or that this is “just a movie” or that it’s only Cousin Josh under that makeup and mask. Keep the fright level near zero. By the way, this includes scary music and noises and all sorts of sensations, not just visual stuff. The monster mask might be fun enough until the wearer actually sounds like a monster too.

Spring no surprises. Sometimes it’s not what you see, it’s the unexpectedness of it. Hitchcock knew this. And sometimes it’s knowing a surprise is coming, just not when or where. So dial down the suspense and spring no surprises. There will be time enough for that when your child is older and can scare you back!

Provide a way to hide. Kid haven’t learned yet how to protect themselves so be ready to be their protector. At the movies, be quick to cover eyes and ears at the scary parts. At home, don’t make a fuss if your child leaves the room or ducks behind the furniture when things get intense. And don’t hesitate to turn off the TV, step out of the theater, or close the book if fear starts to escalate. Don’t trap your child in a frightening situation.

Work it out. One of the funny things about fear is that once we’ve learned how it works, it’s kind of fun to replay it. The tension of a scary moment can be what makes us like a book or movie or Halloween costume. Hitchcock knew this too. So don’t be surprised if what scares your child becomes almost an obsession, as he works out the scary parts’ effects. My four-year-old granddaughter loves a gently scary story in the Little Bear series. She wants it read over and over and over again.

Halloween is a fun time if everyone is having fun. It’s not so fun if someone feels tense and unnerved. Help your child find his personal comfort level with scary stuff  – now and at other times too – and don’t push his limits too hard. A gentle soul needs your protection.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.