What are night terrors? Good question! Night terrors are similar to nightmares but different in crucial ways. While most children have a nightmare from time to time, only 3-6% of children have night terrors. I can speak as a psychologist who treats them in other children and as a parent who manages them with my 9-year old son.

What night terrors look like

Night terrors are stressful and scary for parents, especially the first time it happens. The first time I saw my son having one in the middle of the night, I was totally freaked out and all my clinical knowledge flew out the window for a moment. Kids who have night terrors appear as if they are awake although they are actually in deep non-REM sleep. In the sleep cycle, the child is actually transitioning to another stage of sleep when the night terrors happen. Night terrors are physical, so you may see the child sit up and yell or scream, cry uncontrollably, or thrash in the bed. My son always makes the same verbalizations: “Oh my god, oh my God,” and he sounds absolutely terrified. This is the hallmark of the night terror: the child is in extreme distress and parents feel like there is no way to reach the child.

What parents shouldn’t do

I am sometimes hard on myself as a parent because I have this idea that I should know better because I am a therapist by profession. But so many experiences cause panic and stress in the parent, which causes all rationality and logic to momentarily escape. The mistake I made with my son’s first few night terrors was to try to talk to him and to get to the bottom of what was happening for him. “What, honey?” I would plead. “Tell me, what’s going on? It’s okay, you are fine. Tell me what’s happening!” Soon after I realized that nothing I said was getting through to him consciously, and perhaps the anxiety I felt was being transmitted to him, adding to the anxiety he already felt. In short, don’t try to “get through to” your child or to have a conversation when your child is in the middle of a night terror. They are basically asleep and they cannot talk to you as if they’re awake.

Techniques to help your child through the experience

The best thing you can do is to be there throughout the experience and help keep your child physically safe during the experience. Saying less is better, but you can pick a reassuring statement – say, “It’s okay, you’re safe, honey” – and say it quietly a few times. One trick that I use with my son that helps is to take his arm or leg and rub it, applying pressure as I rub. This can help to distract the child from the emotional experience because their body is experiencing physical stimulation. You can also try to rub his or her back or rub their hands and fingers if they will let you, but follow the child’s lead and let him or her move away from you if that’s what they feel like doing at the moment. Night terrors often last five minutes or so, and afterward, the child usually “comes to” and can see you and talk to you. Other times, the child will simply start to fall back asleep. Wait a couple of minutes after it seems to end as sometimes the terror can come back or there can be a little residual behavior that continues for a minute or two afterward.

Reminders for parents: manage your own stress

There is nothing wrong with your child if your child has night terrors. If the child functions well and gets good reports from school, trust that your child is okay. If the terrors are frequent (at least once per month or more), feel free to talk to your doctor and ask if he or she thinks it would be a good idea to go for a mental health appointment. (It never hurts to be too cautious.) Most of all, try to breathe yourself throughout the night terror to manage your own stress. The terrors last a short time, and you can go back to normal very soon!

Bad dreams are no fun for anyone but they can be a worry for parents. If your child has a bad dream, does it mean anything? Does it mean anything bad? And what can you do to make the bad dreams go away?

Dreaming is something everyone does. You dream more than an hour and a half every night, even though you may not be aware of it. We can guess that babies dream. Newborns experience much more REM (rapid-eye movement) sleep than do adults and REM sleep is associated with dreaming in adults and children. So babies probably dream. We just have no idea what they dream about.

Children ages three to about five dream of simple things, like a bird. These dreams don’t seem to have any story behind them but kids are aware of them and kind of puzzled. They are not entirely sure what is going on. For them, the dream is “in the room.” As far as they’re concerned, dreams are not in their heads but right there, actually happening in their bedrooms. No wonder small children are unnerved by their dreams of big dogs and monsters.

Children ages seven or so include themselves in their dreams and also include other people they know. Their dreams tend to be located in familiar situations. Kids this age might have scary dreams with real story lines. These older children, who understand that they can think thoughts, are more easily convinced than are younger kids that dreams are not physically real. But even for them bad dreams can be upsetting and a cause for sleeping with the lights on.

Children ages eleven to thirteen start to dream in complex story lines that might be allegorical or symbolic. Now children can dream memorably fantastic dreams that seem “to mean something.” Do you remember a dream from your teen years that has stuck with you all this time?

Mostly, dreams are not a cause for concern. Your child might need some comforting in the night but then not even remember the dream in the morning. Kids’ dreams don’t need interpretation, and if you think you can figure out what triggered a particular dream for your child, you should probably keep this knowledge to yourself. Don’t bring up the dream over breakfast just because you are “curious.”

But notice if dreams seem to recur or make your child anxious. Nightmares and disturbing dreams, especially dreams that recur frequently, can mean your child is under some sort of stress during the day. See if there are things going on that you can smooth out for your child or that might be helped by a heart-to-heart talk. Pay attention to increased levels of stress in her life, like issues at school, family troubles, or overscheduling. Do what you can to relieve this pressure.

There is also evidence that bad dreams can be caused by scary plots and disturbing images in movies and video games. If your child is troubled by dreams, dial back his media consumption and monitor more closely the content of what he does watch. Scary entertainment isn’t fun if it keeps everyone up at night.

Keep in mind that “night terrors” – out-of-control screaming by a preschool child at about the same time every night – are not real dreams at all. They occur during the deepest levels of sleep, not during REM sleep. One way to derail night terrors is to wake the child just before an episode typically occurs. If a night terror tends to hit at 11:30 pm, then wake your child at 11 or 11:15. Take him to the bathroom, get him a glass of water, or something similar, just to break the pattern he’s fallen into. You might find this trick helpful in sidetracking ordinary bad dreams as well.

Bad dreams are more a problem for parents than for children, who seem to be able to fall back asleep readily while you lie awake and stew. Certainly, if you think the issue is more serious than normal bring it up with your pediatrician.

But with a little reassurance, everyone can sleep better at night!

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.