If you are the parent of a child aged nine and up, you are already aware of the shift in perspective that happens in the preteen years. Suddenly, peers and friendships take on more importance than before. While your child still values your opinion, you certainly are no longer the center of your child’s social world. Her friends are. And with this shift comes a need to keep from you some of what’s going on.

You might not be told everything. Your child will keep from you things that he thinks should be secret. He may not tell you things that are just between him and his friends. And this, obviously, can be a problem, because he is not yet a good judge of what he can handle and what you need to know.

Keeping secrets can become something of an obsession in the preteen years. This is the age of the locked diary, after all. Mystery, intrigue, and hidden information of all sorts attract older elementary school students. Being able to keep a secret is a mark of self-control and competence and kids this age know it.

So children in the preteen years are likely to keep secrets. In addition, your child’s friends may make her pledge to keep a secret. Your child may be burdened not only with secrets of her own but with the secrets of others and the weight of a promise not to tell.

Couple this interest in secrets and the power of children’s social relationships with a preteen’s growing awareness of adult issues and sexual vulnerability and it’s obvious that a kid can get in over his head pretty quickly. Keeping secrets becomes a trap. Even if he is not personally involved in his friends’ worries, hearing about them and pledging to keep them secret can cause your child problems. Research has shown that adolescents who keep secrets and cannot unburden themselves to a trusted adult are more anxious and troubled than children who are not.

You cannot derail the interest in secrets. But you can keep the lines of communication open. Do this in two ways:

•   First, have a conversation with your child today – before you even think there’s a secret she’s keeping – about sharing important information. Let her know that some things should be told, even if it seems scary or dangerous. Let her know that if a friend shares a secret, your child should decide herself if keeping the secret is a good idea or if telling an adult is actually the better course of action. Empower your child to be thoughtful about secrets.

•   Second, make certain you are someone who can be trusted with confidential information. Be someone who isn’t easily shocked, who doesn’t immediately jump to conclusions, and who doesn’t shush or shame a child for revealing disturbing information. If you want your child to tell you what’s bothering him, you have to be the sort of person who makes things better, not someone who makes things worse. You establish your credibility over time. The time to start being open-minded and non-judgmental is now.

Help your child and your child’s friends know the difference between secrets that are fun to keep and secrets that must be shared.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

It’s every parent’s nightmare: your child isn’t where you thought she was. In fact, she’s nowhere to be seen.  Even if being lost lasts for only a minute or two, you want to save yourself the anxiety and protect your child from what could happen when she’s lost.

From the moment a child is able to walk, he has places to go, things to see. His ability to keep track of where he is and how far he’s wandered doesn’t develop until much, much later. His ability to retrace his steps to get back to safety is even slower to develop – it’s something even we adults struggle with sometimes. Children often don’t even realize they’re lost. Many times, they’re just moving ahead, absorbed in whatever they’re doing.

Keeping toddlers under your eye is important. Use the seatbelt to keep your little one securely in place in a shopping cart. Hold hands or pick her up when you walk through a crowd. At the playground or children’s museum, keep your phone in your pocket so you’re not distracted. Many a parent has looked up from a phone after “just a few seconds” reviewing updates to discover the child has disappeared. It’s amazing how far away children can get when you’re not looking.

Preschoolers and older children are a bit more of a challenge. They are more independent of adult oversight as they play with each other at the park or walk along with the family on an outing. With picnics, street fairs, and water park visits coming up this summer, what can you do? You may not always keep them from getting lost but you can make it more certain they’ll be quickly found.

Here are some strategies to keep you and your kids safe.

1. A child who realizes she’s lost should stay put and yell. Once a child realizes she’s become separated from her parents, she should stop moving and make a lot of noise. Running to find you or even just continuing to walk around hunting for you is more likely to lead her further and further away. Teach her to call loudly, “MOM!”  Most of all, children should know to not go to the parking lot to find you. Your child must know you would never leave without her.
2. The lost child should enlist the help of a woman who has children with her. A mother is likely to be helpful and sympathetic… and safe. A store clerk or other employee can help, too, but the child should stay close to where they first realized they were lost. Teach your child how to speak up clearly, saying “I’ve lost my parents. Can you help me?”
3. A child should never be more than a few steps away from you. Make it clear that your child should always keep you in sight. Make certain your children know they must tell you when they want to stop to look at something.
4. Forbid playing hiding games in unfamiliar locations and unbounded spaces. Hide and seek is a great game, but what are the boundaries if you’re playing at the park? How far can a child go? How will you recover a child who hides so well that you can’t find her? At the very least, assign yourself thejob of “watcher” whose job is to know where every child is hidden.
5. Know where you’ll meet and when. If you’re at an event with older elementary children and you want to let the kids go on their own, set a time and place to reunite. The place should be something very obvious – something tall that can be seen from a distance is a good location. If your child has a cell phone, then insist he answer your texts and calls. Make sure the notification volume is loud enough to be heard in a noisy situation.
6. Make your child easily identifiable. To people not their parents, all children look alike. Before going out with your children, notice what they’re wearing today. Take a group photo before setting out at the fair.

Think ahead, you and your kids together, and have a lovely time!

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Join Dr. Anderson in an online conference for teachers and parents. Find out more at Quality Conference for Early Childhood Leaders.

When you see your child about to do something dangerous what do you usually do?

According to a new study published in the Journal of Pediatric Psychology, if you shout “Don’t do that!” or “Be careful!” you’re unlikely to make the kind of impact you think you’re making. You might indeed get the child to stop what he’s doing right now but he may do it later, when he knows you’re not watching.  Your child will not have learned what you know: how to identify a dangerous situation.

Researchers at the University of Iowa asked 63 mothers and their 8- to 10-year-old children to view photographs depicting other kids in situations that varied in their level of possible danger. For example, one picture showed a child climbing onto a countertop and another showed a child swinging a hatchet at a stick of wood. Mothers and children were separately asked to rate the danger of each scenario. The kids were also asked to rate how scared they might be to try what they saw in the photos.

In about a third of the situations, mothers and children rated the level of danger quite differently. The mother-child pairs were asked to come to consensus about a “safety” rating of the activities on which they disagreed. According to researchers, mothers who “encouraged the child to think through the safety of the activity and explained their own ideas about the activity’s safety” were almost always able to convince their children to agree with them.

One technique that was especially effective was pointing out elements in the scenario that made the situation more dangerous. For example, a mother might point out that trying to chop a stick with a hatchet is particularly dangerous because of the closeness of the child’s hand to where the hatchet will land. She might invite her child to suggest another way the child in the picture could steady the stick that will keep her hand out of range of the falling blade.

One other interesting finding was that some children view activities as less inherently scary than other kids do. These risk-taking kids may need even more help to evaluate a situation and to plan ahead to keep themselves safe. According to lead researcher,  Jodie Plumert. “You shouldn’t assume that your child knows why not [to do something], even if it seems obvious to you.”

It’s not enough to keep children safe while we’re there with them, ready to warn them off. It’s not logical to think we can be there with them all the time, ready to be their brains for them. Instead, we’ve got to make it clearer why a situation is dangerous and how to stay safe. Here are some tips:

1. When your child is in danger, stop her or get her out of danger, of course, but then explain why the situation was dangerous. Just stopping the activity isn’t enough.
2. Have a conversation. Ask your child what he could do differently to be more safe. Let him think things through and come up with an idea.
3. Point out dangerous situations as you and your child go through the day and how you handle them to stay safe. If you turn the handle of a pan on the stove so it’s not sticking out where you might hit it, say what you’re doing and why. When you turn a rake tines-down on the lawn so no one will spike themselves on the points, say so and say why.
4. Congratulate your child on noticing dangers and keeping herself safe.

Naturally, you don’t want your child to see danger in every step. Your point is not to make your child afraid. Your point is to provide your child with practice in seeing possible consequences.

The child who can imagine consequences is a confident child and one you can have confidence in.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.