The school year. The excitement of new notebooks and new pens and colored pencils. The fun of seeing friends after the summer and settling back into a routine. The thrill for parents of micromanaging the details of their child’s homework, sports schedules, play practices, and club meetings. What, you don’t love micromanaging all of this? Where is your helicopter? If the anticipation of the school year keeps you awake at night, we have some ideas for you. What if this year you transition your student to owning his or her homework, grades, and activities? “Seriously?” you ask. “Let Mark remember to bring his practice uniform on soccer days and bring it home to be washed? He might scare off all the ladies with his three day sweat-infused socks. Count on Michaela to pack her backpack the night before so she is on time to homeroom? Without reminding her? Are you kidding?” No. Not kidding. Depending on the age of your son or daughter, it is very likely that you are clinging to some responsibilities that would be better transitioned over to them.

Let’s think about what it looks like to step back so your child steps forward. What is one school responsibility you have been holding onto that your son or daughter could totally manage? Consider these and other possibilities:

• Writing down and keeping up with their homework
• Keeping up with school supplies
• Packing their backpack and homework independently
• Making their lunch and remembering it (they will not starve if they forget)
• Taking ownership of their grades and assignments
• Remembering to set up carpool for days they have sports or extra-curricular activities
• Remembering to bring whatever they need for sports or after-school programs.

Remember, it is not about knowing they can successfully manage their school responsibilities today. It’s about giving them the opportunities to grow into successfully managing them. There will probably be some mistakes and maybe (if needed) some coaching along the way—but that’s part of learning how to step forward on their own with confidence.

As a foster parent, psychotherapist, and expert in family and teen therapy, Amy Morin—author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do—has witnessed first-hand what works: “When children have the skills they need to deal with challenges in their everyday lives, they can flourish socially, emotionally, behaviorally, and academically. With appropriate support, encouragement, and guidance from adults, kids grow stronger and become better.”

Talk with your kids about what they think they can manage themselves. Ask them how they will transition to own this skill. What do they want from you and what can you count on them for? Do they (or you) need a check-off list or chart? If so, ask them to make it. Do they need a reminder? What would a good reminder be (sticky note on the door or mirror, alarm on their phone or automated reminder on the phone, note on the fridge)? Have them set it up and take ownership of it.

Try your best not to nag, remind, helicopter, over-check, or do any of these things while pretending not to. This is letting them learn. Giving them the chance to succeed or fail or fall somewhere in between. It is ok. The stakes are small. This does not go on your permanent record (and even if it does, it is better to have a ding on a school record than to start one with the police). If you set a reasonable timeframe for them to manage this skill, you can have a check-in conversation at the end. If they make a mistake in the middle, refrain from correcting. It’s fine to ask if they need any help, but unless they say “yes,” back away and continue to let them work toward owning this. If they blow it, give them a Mulligan. This is the crux of leading your child on the path toward responsible, unentitled adulthood. They have to try hard things and feel the full brunt of their decisions and actions. They have to feel the feeling of achievement when they succeed without any parental involvement. This is the “high” we want them to feel. This is what we want them to seek more of. You will be amazed when they get going on this and start to take on more and more responsibility without your help in the process.

The rewards for this are monumental. They feel proud of their maturity. You feel proud of their accomplishment. This builds trust and mutual respect for your ongoing relationship. They feel empowered to move on to bigger and better things. You can enjoy the break from feeling responsible for everything. The goal becomes finding new things to move from your plate to theirs. The helicopter has landed.

Homework. Does it drag on forever? Or, worse, does it not get done at all?  How can you help your child get her homework done without a lot of denial and foot-dragging  – and without actually doing it yourself?

My experience as a parent and a tutor has shown me this: kids don’t do their homework  because they believe their assignments will take so long that there will be no time left for fun or they believe that even if they do their homework they will get a poor grade. Even for kids who “forget” their homework you can trace their absent-mindedness back to one of these two barriers.

This means that we can help children do their homework by teaching them to be more efficient in doing the work and by guiding them to feel more confident of success.

Help With Time Management

The child whose homework takes up too much time needs help with time management. As soon as he gets home from school, ask him to list out what needs to be done and what else that evening he wants to do. Help him decide how long each homework task will take and the right order for doing it (the easiest stuff first or the hardest stuff first – let him decide). Together, plan out when he will do each homework task and how he will fit this in with other stuff he wants to do.

This may seem like a lot of work for you, but it’s the work of teaching. Once your child knows how to do this, you can step back a bit. But it will take time to overcome the habit of dawdling through things. For quite a while, you will have to step in to help this child move things along.

Remember, “work expands to fill the time allowed” but  also “all work and no play” is not good for any child.  Help your child have a balanced evening and feel good about himself, instead of guilty.

Help With Self Confidence

The child who doesn’t do homework because she is afraid of getting a poor grade needs a different sort of help. This child thinks that if she does her homework as well as she can but still gets a bad grade, this can only mean that she’s dumb. It’s safer to not do the homework at all. Better to be lazy than dumb, if you’re a kid. Not doing homework is a way to protect one’s self-esteem.

So this child needs help in doing the homework itself, not just in managing her time. She needs help to realize that she’s not dumb; she just hasn’t learned this stuff yet. Here’s how you can help her:

1. Never suggest that your child is not smart enough and don’t let other people say that either. Never compare this child to another child who seems to have an easy time in school. Instead say, “This really is hard, but I know you can figure it out. I will help you.”
2. Help your child be more successful and start getting better grades. This doesn’t mean that you should do the homework for him. Doing that will really send the signal that you think he’s too dumb to learn. Instead, help him understand the material.  It’s okay if you don’t not understand it yourself and have to learn along with him (this is great, actually). Take the time it takes to help your kid master this. Hire a tutor if that’s the only way.
3. Focus on the subject your child finds the hardest. If your child is failing in many subjects, focus on one. Talk with her teacher and see if there is a bigger problem that’s interfering with your child’s ability to learn. But success in one hard subject will give your child courage to try harder in other, easier subjects.

Many school districts these days offer “homework hotlines” that list the homework that’s been assigned and even offer help by phone or email. If your child says he has no homework but you suspect this isn’t right, check the school’s homework site together and see what you find. Don’t check it on your own, since this sends the message you think your child is lying. Instead, check it with your child, which indicates you want to help him get it right.

And when there is homework, help him to figure out when he will do it and support him in believing he can do it well. Once your child realizes you are on his side and you believe in his abilities, he can start to believe in himself too. It will be safe to try once again.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.

Many of today’s parents fear that if they don’t give their children the right push out of the crib, they will not make it in this world of high-powered over-achievers. The fear is that anything less than a Harvard post-graduate degree will leave our children on the corner asking for spare change. The days of sending kids out to play to fend for themselves for hours on end are long gone. Instead we register our kids for music, French, math and gymnastics classes before they can walk trying to give them the edge.

Multiple research studies have shown that parents who hold firm but nurturing standards and let go enough to give their children autonomy raise children who do better academically, psychologically, and socially than either over-involved parents who push their children toward achievement or under-involved and permissive parents who set too few limits.

Even so, parents have a hard time letting go of what they think will give their kids a head start. Media and marketing doesn’t help to convince parents to buy less and allow their children to discover without all the bells and whistles. We give, we praise, we register in program after program hoping…for what? That our child will be rich and famous?

Dr. Carol Dweck of Stanford University studied children’s motivation by giving them simple puzzles they had no problem putting together. Some were told how smart and capable they were, others were not told anything. The ones who were left alone were more motivated to try more difficult puzzles and showed more confidence in their progress and ability.

Our goal is to instill self-motivation and confidence in our children to get through the hard stuff. They don’t need the way paved for them. They need our support and encouragement to deal with feelings of discouragement and disappointment, even failure so they can push themselves through the messiness to accomplishment. This is the sweet spot of self-esteem. It cannot be given to a child; it must come from within.

We give that confidence with trust—trust in our child’s developmental process, timing, and ability. That means knowing your child and being willing to stand back and watch. If it is too hard for you to let go of controlling what your children do, say, think and feel—of trying to make your children happy—then you might be a toxic parent.

Here are a few tips to check yourself:

• Can you watch your child fall, get a scraped knee or a bruised ego and simply be there for consolation without jumping to the rescue or trying to protect hurts from ever happening?
• Instead of praising with “Good job”, “You’re terrific” or “Good girl” can you stop yourself, think about what your child is doing and either say nothing to normally expected behavior or be specific? “You put that puzzle piece in without any help,” “I really appreciate your help with that grocery bag.”
• Can you be a sounding board to listen when your child has a problem or do you jump in and tell her what to do about it?
• Can you allow your child to get to accomplishment on her own or do you direct and correct so you are sure she gets it right?
• Are you able to simply be with your child without teaching something all the time?

Let your child grow. Development needs to happen from the inside out. Remember that the whole oak tree is present in the tiny acorn. What it needs to grow is the proper soil, water, sunshine and temperature. It doesn’t need any internal adjustment.

If you find yourself short on trust, the work to do is within yourself. It will not come with pushing your child to achieve. That is your cue that you are trying to make yourself feel better.

Ask, “Am I trying to meet my needs or my child’s needs? Am I the one who wants the gold star and best parent of the year award?”

When something doesn’t work on the first try, what does your child do? Does she stop and figure out what might work better? Or does she give up or ask for help?

And what do you do, when your child attempts challenging tasks but then struggles? Are you quick to step in to complete the task for him? Do you even avoid letting your child try tasks that might be difficult, because you want to avoid the frustration?

Here’s the thing: everything we know how to do we learned the hard way, through trying and failing and then trying again. That’s really the definition of learning, to figure out something we didn’t know before we started. So when we only let children do things we know they’ll be successful at or when we step in to do things for them once they encounter a setback, we derail the very thing we’re supposed to be all about. We derail learning.

Carol Dweck, the noted expert on children’s motivation and learning, studied fifth grade children’s reactions to tricky math problems. She found that some children acted helplessly and quickly quit trying but that other children seemed to relish the challenge and enjoyed applying their thinking to working out a solution. The two different approaches to hard tasks didn’t seem to depend on what we might call “intelligence.” Kids in both groups were equally smart.

What seemed to matter was children’s expectations for their own learning. Kids who think things should be easy for them and who are praised for getting the right answer to easy questions balk at even trying to work out answers to hard questions. This makes sense: if your belief in your ability depends on always getting the right answer, even trying to answer a hard question has the potential to reveal you’re not so smart as you thought you were. But if your belief in your ability depends on your resourcefulness and persistence and dogged determination to solve problems, then the harder the problem, the smarter you feel.

The question for us, then, is how do fifth graders get this way? What went wrong in their past experience to convince them that trying is dangerous? I may not be able to tell you what happened, precisely, but I can tell you when: in their preschool and early elementary school years. Children form their ideas about themselves and their abilities long before we think they do. And we’re the ones who influence those ideas, for good and for bad.

So take a look at the tasks you let your kids take on. Look at their reaction – and your reaction – to struggle and frustration and failure. Make certain you support effort and persistence. Try not to be too quick to step in to help.

At the same time, avoid praising right answers and easy successes. When children think our opinions of them depend on their always being right, they’ll be less daring in tackling challenging problems. Congratulate your child on a good try. Help him to try again.

Do your children love a challenge? I hope they do.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.

No matter how old your child is – anywhere from two to twenty-two – if you are doing for him what he could do for himself you are enabling a dependent state of mind. The child who feels dependent can seem anxious and whiney. He may be demanding. He often acts lazy and thoughtless. Being dependent is not a happy condition for him … or for you. Luckily, with a few simple steps, you can change your dependent child into someone who feels capable and strong. Here’s how.

Two people have to change – your child and you. Depending on the age of your child and how long this has been going on, your job of replacing old habits with new ones might be simple or more challenging.  But this change happens just one day at a time, even one event at a time.

The key is to start being less available and less accommodating while at the same time being your very nicest self. It’s also important to be consistent. You can certainly step in when there’s a real emergency but the more consistent you can be with a new approach the easier it will be for your child and for you to make a new habit. Here are some strategies to try.

For your child:

Meet requests for help with a question. Instead of just responding with the requested help, ask a question that encourages the child to perform on her own. For example, if your four-year-old wants help to put on her coat, say, “Here’s your coat! Which arm goes into which sleeve, do you think?” If your child insists that you drive him a short distance to play at a friend’s house, and you think he could walk instead, ask “I wonder how many steps it is to Brian’s house?” or “I wonder how quickly you could walk there…” and suggest he walk and then report back.

Be pleasant and supportive. It’s tempting to try to hurry things along by telling your child he’s a big boy now or that he’s acting like a baby. This isn’t very encouraging to any kid and it’s also not fair. Remember you’ve created this little dependent person. Calling him names now or acting mean is blaming him for your own misguided actions. Instead, be as pleasant and supportive as you can be. Sympathize when he tells you it’s too hard or he doesn’t know how. Let him know you have confidence in his abilities.

Act as a scaffold. If you’ve been doing a lot for your child you might discover that she truly doesn’t know how to do some of the things you think she should know. But instead of stepping in again to do it for her, take the time to show her how to do the task herself. If the task is complicated, you might scaffold it by doing the hardest parts and letting her do the easier ones. So if your thirteen-year-old asks you do iron her shirt, say, “Let’s do it together.”

Trust your child’s instincts. If your child thinks he can, he probably can. Let him try. This is often the hardest part – knowing when to step back and watch. You could do whatever it is so much more quickly and easily and maybe more successfully. But your child will probably do well enough and will learn and grow by trying. Recently my son offered to help his three-year-old snap some Lego together. She said, “No. I want to do it myself.” Dad wisely backed off and, yes, she did it!

For yourself:

You are the second half of the equation. Changing your child’s habit of relying on you is just part of the work. If you hover because you have time to hover, get busier. While your world might indeed revolve around your children, make sure that you don’t seem to them to be living in their shadow. Don’t always be at their beck and call.

If you do things for your child because it’s quicker and simpler, slow down. Factor in the time it takes your preschooler to get her shoes on all by herself. She will get faster with practice. Yes, you’re busy and, yes, children are slower than you would be at just about everything. But taking the time to help them learn to be more self-reliant is part of your job as a parent. Slow down enough to do just that.

If you hover because you’re anxious for a perfect outcome, work on taking the long view. Just as children are not very fast, they also are not so perfect. Naturally, they make mistakes. But imperfectly done-all-by-myself is almost always more satisfying to a child than perfectly done-by-Mom-while-I-just-watched, especially if you haven’t made perfection the standard in your household. Let your children grow into their abilities by letting them try. Abandon “perfect.”

Helping children become more confident and competent is joyous work. It’s far more fun than doing everything for them every moment of the day. If you’ve been enabling dependency, now is the time to kick back a bit and have a good time together.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Helicopter parents not only take too much responsibility for their children and fix their problems to protect them from upset or disappointment; they also tend to be overly punitive by not taking enough responsibility for themselves and blaming their children for their own problems.

When boundaries are poor, a parent tends to bleed the line between her problems and her children’s unable to tell the difference. If she has a problem—exhaustion, impatience, upset—she may make it her child’s problem by reacting punitively and lashing out with blame or criticism for her child’s annoying behavior. If it’s her child’s problem—anger over being told what to do, forgetting homework, getting a bad grade—she may make it her problem by taking responsibility for it, fixing it or trying to making it go away.

When boundaries are not strong and a parent hovers to closely, the child learns to depend on the parent to step in, even in ways he doesn’t like, and so can relinquish responsibility. As he grows, he may lash out hostilely at his parent for creating the dependency he has grown accustomed to.

The most important counter action to helicopter parenting is consciousness-raising on the part of the parent to see the patterns that get established. Becoming aware of tendencies from her own background that prompt her to hover, protect, and control can release the ties and initiate the letting go process.

If you’re not sure whether or not you helicopter parent, ask yourself:

Do I care more about what other people think of me than what my child needs?

Do I stay on his back because I’m afraid he is incapable and will fail if I let up?

Do I worry that she will fall apart if I am not with her?

If he gets a D in math, do I give myself a D in parenting?

(A “yes” answer to any of these indicates hovering.)

 
 
 
TIPS TO AVOID HELICOPTER PARENTING

• Understand that you are not responsible for your child’s feelings and behavior, but  you are 100% responsible for everything you say and do.

• Don’t take your child’s behavior and words personally. It’s about your child, not about you.

• Own your emotions and behavior, don’t ask your children to take responsibility. Start with I, not you. “I feel so angry when I see laundry on the floor,” rather than “You never listen. How many times have I told you to pick up your dirty clothes?”

• When your child is having a problem, ask questions instead of fix:

What is it you want?

How can you get that?

What can you do about it to change it?

How might that happen?

• Facilitate your child’s thought process rather think for her.

• Allow your children to make small decisions for themselves starting young—what they want to wear, whether they are cold or hot, full or hungry. Teach them to listen to themselves and their own bodies.

• Give them 2 or 3 choices. Sometimes they don’t have a choice about what they have to do, but they do have a choice about how they will feel about it.

• Take risks. It feels like a risk to step back and let your child figure something out himself. The fear is he might fail. Tell yourself, “He will learn from it.”

The more we allow and support our children to be their own person, the easier it becomes to establish healthy boundaries. In the words of Kahlil Gibran:

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

            For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

            You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

            For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

No matter how old your child is – anywhere from two to twenty-two – if you are doing for him what he could do for himself you are enabling a dependent state of mind. The child who feels dependent seems anxious and whiney. He’s demanding. He acts lazy and thoughtless. Being dependent is not a happy condition for him … or for you. You feel frustrated and used. You start to think, “This has got to stop!”

Luckily, with a few simple steps, you can change your dependent child into someone who feels capable and strong and does things for herself. The key bit to remember is that we can never change another person’s behavior by complaining or insisting or wishing for change. We can only change ourselves but that’s enough. Here’s how. 

Meet requests for help with a question. Instead of just responding with the requested help, ask a question that encourages the child to perform on her own. For example, if your four-year-old wants help to put on her coat, say, “Here’s your coat! Which arm goes into which sleeve, do you think?” If your child insists that you drive him a short distance to play at a friend’s house, and you think he could walk instead, ask “I wonder how many steps it is to Brian’s house?” or “I wonder how quickly you could walk there…” and suggest he walk and then report back.

Be pleasant and supportive. It’s tempting to try to hurry things along by telling your child he’s a big boy now or that he’s acting like a baby. This isn’t very encouraging to any kid and it’s also not fair. Remember you’ve created this little dependent person. Calling him names now or acting mean is blaming him for your own misguided actions. Instead, be as pleasant and supportive as you can be. Sympathize when he tells you it’s too hard or he doesn’t know how. Let him know you have confidence in his abilities.

Act as a scaffold. If you’ve been doing a lot for your child you might discover that she truly doesn’t know how to do some of the things you think she should know. But instead of stepping in again to do it for her, take the time to show her how to do the task herself. If the task is complicated, you might scaffold it by doing the hardest parts and letting her do the easier ones. So if your thirteen-year-old asks you do iron her shirt, say, “Let’s do it together.”

Trust your child’s instincts. If your child thinks he can, he probably can. Let him try. This is often the hardest part – knowing when to step back and watch. You could do whatever it is so much more quickly and easily and maybe more successfully. But your child will probably do well enough and will learn and grow by trying. Recently a parent I know offered to help his three-year-old snap some Lego together. The child said, “No. I want to do it myself.” Dad wisely backed off and, yes, the child did it!

Quit trying to be so perfect. If you hover because you think a perfect parent should make sure her children are always happy, get busier with your own life. While your world might indeed revolve around your children, make sure that you don’t seem to them to be living in their shadow. Perfect parents let their children grow and aren’t always at kids’ beck and call. 

If you do things for your child because it’s quicker and simpler for you, slow down. Factor in the time it takes your preschooler to get her shoes on all by herself. She will get faster with practice. Yes, you’re busy and, yes, children are slower than you would be at just about everything. But taking the time to help them learn to be more self-reliant is part of your job as a parent. Slow down enough to do just that.

If you hover because you’re anxious for a perfect outcome, work on taking the long view. Just as children are not very fast, they also are not so perfect. Naturally, they make mistakes. But imperfectly done-all-by-myself is almost always more satisfying to a child than perfectly done-by-Mom-while-I-just-watched. Let your children grow into their abilities by letting them try. Abandon “perfect.” 

The key is to start being less available and less accommodating while at the same time being your very nicest self. It’s also important to be consistent. You can certainly step in when there’s a real emergency but the more consistent you can be with a new approach the easier it will be for your child and for you to make a new habit.

Helping children become more confident and competent is joyous work. It’s far more fun than doing everything for them every moment of the day. If you’ve been enabling dependency, now is the time to kick back a bit and have a good time learning together.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.

Have you noticed how often you do things for your kids instead of letting them do things themselves?

If you have, then you’ve probably also noticed how often kids refuse to do things for themselves, instead whining and pouting until you do things for them.

How did it get this way? And how can you help your children do things for themselves?

It’s easy to see how things got this way: it’s just easier to do things ourselves. We’re neater, more careful, and more skilled. We’re quicker. And because everyone is so busy these days, and in such a hurry, getting things done quickly and with as little mess as possible matters.

So we sometimes feed children who could feed themselves. We dress our kids, zip their jackets, organize their homework, maybe even occasionally do their homework for them. We clean their rooms. We clean their faces.

So we shouldn’t be too surprised when now our kids won’t do things on their own.

We’ve inadvertently sent the message that we believe our children are incapable of doing things on their own. We’ve hinted by our actions that left on their own, our children will do everything wrong.  They are helpless or incompetent.  These are the messages we send when we do things for our children that they could do for themselves. We send the message that, really, we’d rather do things ourselves.

Of course, this isn’t sustainable. Sooner or later we feel like our kids’ servant, doing everything while they sit by and watch. Sooner or later our children will grow up and need to be able to do things on their own. Now is the time to let them practice.

Practice does make perfect.

To let kids practice means letting them try. Letting kids try means letting them make mistakes. We have to get comfortable with failure. Only when kids fail will they learn how to do things better.

Remember that very little that children do has long-term effects. Not making the team, not making an A, and not winning a ribbon in the science fair doesn’t doom a child’s future career. In fact, what does doom a child’s chances is relying on a parent to make everything perfect.

If you’ve been doing it all, now is the time to stop. By how can you do that if your children are used to doing very little?

1. Quit doing. Smile sweetly the next time a request comes in for something a child could do herself and say, “I’m going to let you try.”
2. Avoid making excuses. It’s not that you’re too busy or that you’ve got your hands full. It’s just that you want her to try. If you need to soften your refusal, say, “I’m sure you can do it well enough.”
3. Don’t back down. Your child may cry and carry on. He may do this especially if he believes you only love him if things are perfect. Giving up on perfect is difficult for both of you. Continue to smile, continue to be supportive, but continue to refuse to do what he can do.
4. Provide moral support. If you’ve been over-involved in your child’s homework, for instance, instead of completely withdrawing your help, sit near your child as she does the work on her own. You’re there, you’re being supportive, but you’re no longer actually doing the work.
5. Congratulate your child for trying. Remember you’re not hoping for perfect. You just want your child to do the best he can. Just trying – sincerely trying – is a good step forward.

Letting go of perfect and embracing effort is not easy if this has been the pattern in your home in the past. You need to do this difficult thing just as your child needs to do difficult things too. But no matter how little or how old your child is, helping him do what he can do and helping him accept a solid effort even if the results aren’t perfect – these are accomplishments that build the future.

If your kids aren’t trying hard enough right now, could it be because of you? Now is the time to step back.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

If your child is heading off to college this fall, there are some things you should know. While you’re welcome to pay for tuition and send cookies, there are definite limits to the information you’re entitled to as a parent.

When my older child came home after his first term away at school, I asked about his grades. He told me point-blank, “I don’t have to tell you.” He was right: he didn’t have to tell me… and he didn’t tell me. He set me straight on my limits and, though I was surprised, I had to agree.

These limits are legal. The school cannot legally share your child’s grades with you. It cannot even share the status of her financial account unless she gives you authorization in writing. It doesn’t matter if you’re paying all the tuition. Your child is an adult once she enters into higher education and the school’s interactions are with her and her alone.

This means that you should not call up her professors to complain about a grade. You should not harangue the Dean about her roommate’s music preferences. You should not talk to her advisor about her program of study. None of these people may legally talk to you. All of them – if they are following the law – should politely tell you to talk with your child.

Your child, of course, is under no requirement to talk with you.

Heading off to college is the first major break from mom and dad that many teens experience. This is an important moment for all of you. For your teen, it’s a chance to finally seize that independence he’s been wanting and an opportunity to demonstrate that he can indeed manage his own affairs. Everyone knows that he still has a lot to learn and the college environment is organized around that. So it’s not like you’re putting your kid on a boat to the New World, with little chance of seeing him again (as was commonplace just a hundred years ago). He’ll be back for Thanksgiving, most likely, and probably he’ll ask for some spending money and maybe he’ll ask for some advice.

Or maybe not. Keep in mind that this is the moment you’ve been waiting for since the day he was born: the moment when you’re no longer responsible 24/7 and you can begin to turn his old bedroom into an art studio. You do want your child to grow up and have a lovely life of his own. In order for that to happen, you must let him try his wings. You must learn to step back and give him the freedom to be an adult. If he asks for advice, feel free to give it. If he doesn’t, don’t.

Know your place. You are your college kid’s chief cheerleader, a shoulder to cry on, and a wallet to tap. You are still her parent, of course, but you’re no longer her intermediary. You no longer stand between her and the world.

Tough as it seems sometimes to believe it, she is ready to face the world on her own.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.