Many parents want their children accepted by the gifted program in their school district. It’s lovely, of course, to have this validation – you always knew your child was special and now there’s proof. But being accepted or rejected is more complicated than just the letter that comes in the mail.

Let’s take a look at gifted programs and ways to support your gifted child, whether the school recognizes his giftedness or not.

Gifted? Who says?
Identifying giftedness is not a straightforward process. There is no clear definition of what being gifted is and no clear way of testing for it. In most school districts, being gifted is synonymous with achieving a particular score on an ability test. In many districts, the target score is 120 on a test where 100 is “average.” In other districts, the target score is somewhat higher.

Whatever the score, this method of measuring giftedness overlooks completely the child who is especially creative, the child who doesn’t take tests well, the child with any sort of disability or difference, and the child whose gifts lie in areas other than traditional ‘school skills.’

So being identified as gifted means only one thing – that the child did quite well on a key test – but not being identified as gifted doesn’t mean much at all. Your child may still be extraordinary but the method used to identify giftedness was too limited to see that.

The pros and the cons of gifted programs.
For many parents, having a child accepted into the gifted program is the key bit. The next step is deciding to take advantage of the program, and that’s not necessarily an easy decision.

In some districts, gifted children are isolated from the rest of their classmates, for all or part of the day. If the gifted program is housed in a single location, children who live a distance from that location may need to be bused to and from. Parents may not want this and they may not want their children segregated from their friends.

The gifted program itself may or may not suit a particular child. Being enrolled in this program might mean a child has little time left for art or music classes or for sports. Going to class with children who all are as capable as she is – even more capable – can be intimidating to the child who is used to being “the best” in everything. Being isolated from “ordinary kids” might make it more difficult for a child to hang out with kids in the neighborhood.

While children who score at the very top of the range have quite different needs for intellectual stimulation than children in the middle, there are no federal laws that require special accommodations for gifted children. So a parent must take what the school district offers. Unlike the parent of a child with a protected disability, the parent of a gifted child cannot influence the sort of education her child receives.

Helping your child, identified or not.
No matter if your child is accepted into your school’s gifted program or is not, the same basic principles apply that applied before giftedness was on your radar screen:

• Observe what your child needs and find ways to supply that. Do not expect anyone else to be the parent of your child; you and your child still are in charge of his fate. Being accepted to the gifted program is an opportunity but not one your child must accept. Being rejected by the gifted program doesn’t close all doors to your child’s future. There are other doors.
• Remember that gifts come in many different packages. The child who is a brilliant athlete, an accomplished musician, a creative skateboarder, or a social powerhouse is unlikely to have her gifts recognized by the school. This doesn’t mean she’s not gifted.
• Keep your emotions in check. Your child’s success is not yours to manipulate, and it’s not even guaranteed. Being accepted into the gifted program is not a blank check for a rosy future – and being rejected doesn’t consign a child to a second-class life. Don’t gloat and don’t whine. This isn’t about you.

A key piece is to avoid building up the gifted program to such a glorious thing that your child is disappointed no matter how things come out. If he’s accepted he may discover school really is still school, only more difficult. If he’s not accepted he may feel terrible shame and disappointment, feelings that are not deserved, since nothing really has changed.

Remember that being identified as gifted doesn’t mean much of anything in the grand scheme of things. For each of us, making the most of the opportunities that arise is still the best plan.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

If you’ve been counting on your child being accepted into your district’s gifted program… or if your child is already proudly a designated member… or if your child was passed over or not even in the running to be called “gifted” … here’s a news flash: being labelled gifted or even smart isn’t the best thing that can happen to your child. It might even be the worst.

Labels like “gifted” and “smart” are just as limiting as any other labels people hang on children. They imply that a person IS something, all the time and forever. Labels like these indicate that a person is special without ever having to do anything to become special. And that’s where the trouble starts.

As noted scholar Eleanor Duckworth has pointed out, a trait mindset is less useful to a person than a growth mindset. In a trait mindset, a person is just born that way. They are naturally smart or athletic or artistic. They don’t have to work at it; things just come easy for them. Or not. One either Is or Is Not a particular labeled person, now and forever.

This means, of course, that if school comes hard for a child, under a trait mindset he expects it will always be hard. So there is no point in trying and he gives up. And – this is the kicker for gifted students – if school comes easy, there is the fear that someday it will be hard. There’s the fear that someday the child will be exposed as not-gifted and thrown out of the program or denied a prize. The gifted child, too, just like the struggling child, finds it safer to not try very hard. Labels and a trait mindset mean that all students work at less than their full capacity. For some children, labels make them give up. For other children, labels make them play it safe.

In a growth mindset, a person is working towards becoming smart or athletic or artistic. This takes effort and it’s expected that there will be triumphs and setbacks in just about equal measure.  A growth mindset is better for struggling children, who are supported in believing that practice will eventually pay off. But it’s also better for “gifted” and “smart” children, who are supported in taking chances and stretching their learning into difficult subjects.

If your child has avoided being labeled by the school or her teacher, good for her! If your child has acquired a label, either a conventionally positive one or a conventionally negative one, it’s time to take action.

1. Avoid playing into the label game yourself. If you still have time to make a choice, think long and hard about nominating your child for your district’s gifted program, just as you would think long and hard about a move to any special needs category. In any event, avoid calling your child “smart” or “gifted” in exactly the way you’d avoid calling your child “dumb” or “slow.” All labels are limiting, even ones that appear positive.
2. Encourage your child to take chances.  Let your child take on tasks that seem difficult. Obviously, you’ll advise against challenges that are out-and-out dangerous for someone of your child’s skill level, but don’t warn your child away from trying the things that might just be challenging. Avoid being overprotective.
3. Let your child struggle. A growth mindset starts from the idea that a person doesn’t know everything and has things to learn. Learning is sometimes difficult. The road to knowledge is often bumpy. Don’t be too quick to lift your child over the bumpy parts. Let him find his own path.
4. Reward grit and effort. Some parents want straight-As and blue ribbons, thinking that A students and first-place finishers are the most successful. But the child who must earn top marks to please her parents won’t take on the tough challenges. She will limit herself to tasks that aren’t difficult. This means the straight-A student is often less skilled and less capable than the student who knows how to work hard and relishes stretching her abilities.
5. Notice when things are in a rut. When your child – or even when you – become complacent, not interested in doing more than the minimum, pay attention. Do what you can to shake things up a bit, especially setting a good example yourself. Remember that your results are not preset, based on a trait that simply Is who you are. Results are achieved through effort and growth.

We all want the best for our children and it’s tempting to believe that what’s best is what’s easy. In fact, the best things in life are never free, but are earned through dedicated effort. Even the smartest child should have to work hard.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

Your child might have got the word last spring… or maybe it’s coming soon, just before school starts. The word that he didn’t get into the gifted program. He’s devastated (maybe you, too). What does this mean and what do you do now?

Here’s what it doesn’t mean: it doesn’t mean that anything has changed. Your child is just as brilliant and funny and talented and charming as he ever was. He’s not any less wonderful than he was before. His future is just as bright and his school year will be just as fine. The qualities that you hoped would be recognized and validated by the label “gifted” are all still there. He’s a terrific kid.

What’s missing is the label. Labels can be nice and maybe that’s all you and he really wanted. A nice label like “gifted” sets one apart and makes a person feel superior. So not having the label can make your child feel suddenly inferior. He will have to put up with being “regular-ed” when his old friends and rivals go off to the gifted classes. This seems like a big deal now, before the school year begins, but its importance will fade if you let it. The “gifted” kids will soon discover that a label is not an unalloyed good. Your child will soon discover that his own school year offers lots of opportunities to shine.

What’s missing also is whatever program elements you and your child were looking forward to. It’s true that gifted programs tend to be more interesting than the standard curriculum. But interest is where you find it: don’t spoil the school year by assuming it will be dull. In addition, this might be the year when you help your child pursue interests outside the classroom. Help her explore a subject through reading, doing Internet searches, and talking with experts. Consider signing her up for a class. Go to lectures together. Gifted people design their own learning. Your secretly-gifted child can do that too.

Here’s something to keep in mind: how your district defines “gifted” might not be capable of recognizing your child’s greatness. She may have talents the district’s formula ignores. Most districts use test scores as the basis for their selection, but your child may not be a strong test-taker. Or she may be very creative. Creativity is scarcely ever part of the gifted-selection process even though creativity is the foundation of great achievement in every single field.

If you and your child were counting on being admitted to the “gifted” club, then being excluded is naturally a blow. You’re both allowed to complain and cry just a little bit. But then it’s time to move on. This may not be the first time a door closed for your child and it certainly won’t be the last. Doors close all the time. But when they do, another door opens.

Be happy to find that door and together walk through.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.