We all want our children to be better than average. We even want them to be better than average in everything they do. But this is just not possible.

“Average” is a big part of any group and it’s very likely our kids are in that big part. The key lies in being okay with that.

It’s as if the actual numerical average of any quality were the center line of a two-lane roadway. All the pavement that runs on either side of that center line is within the average range. The shoulders that run on the outer edges of the two lanes are the parts that are above and below “average.” Most cars stay in a lane. Only a few cars are on the shoulder. And as long as your car is in a lane – going in one direction or the other – your car is “average.” So if your child’s test scores are “average” then he’s traveling in the lane, along with almost all the other kids.

It’s the same with anything your child might be measured in: height, weight, good looks, dancing ability, or Minecraft success. Two-thirds – two-thirds – of all the scores are in the average range. The one-third of all the scores that are not within the average range are equally divided between the two edges. One-sixth of the scores are above average. One-sixth of the scores are below average. That’s just the way it is. This is what being “average” means.

So it’s very likely that we all are pretty average. And if the population changes – if all children get smarter, for example – then the average changes with it. Being average is not a bad thing. It’s the way the world is.

So, if your child is “just average” what you do?

1. Be happy. Good things happen to average people. They do well in business and politics, they become engineers and writers, they love and are loved. Most of the people you know, most of the people you meet are average.
2. Be a cheerleader. If a grandparent or busybody neighbor puts pressure on a child to be more than average, set this person straight. Celebrate averageness and let others know you don’t really care. Don’t let others’ unrealistic expectations make you or your child sad.
3. Be supportive. If your child dearly wishes to be better than average in a specific area, you can help her get more practice or learn more about how the above-average people got that way. Remember that very little humans do or are is so predetermined that hard work won’t improve things. We can all get better at what we really care about.
4. Be sensible. Childhood is the time to explore a wide range of talents and possibilities. It’s not a time to specialize. Keep your own dreams in perspective, take your cues from your child, and help your child to set goals that are achievable for the average person.

Average is fine but anxiety is never fine. Don’t mess up your fine, average kid by trying to steer her onto the shoulder of the roadway. If she’s traveling just fine in the lane with everyone else, that’s a good place to be.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.

Summer  provides a terrific opportunity to help your child master the school skills she needs more practice in… or an opportunity to forget everything she knows right now. But how can you make sure she gets stronger over the summer? How can you avoid the “summer slide”?

First, all children need to stay engaged in learning over the summer months, whether they are doing just fine in school or not. Children’s brains are still developing and 10 weeks of no-learning puts the brakes on brain development in areas needed for school success. The rustiness teachers complain that  students struggle with in the fall is real: old brain connections that have lain unused over the summer take time to revive themselves when school starts again. Keep your children’s brain connections nimble by incorporating challenging thinking during everyday summer activities.

Did you know that your membership to Advantage4Teens.com has a special section called SUMMER ADVANTAGE specifically to help keep your kids in grades 3-8 from falling behind over the summer. Login to Advantage4Teens.com, click on SUMMER ADVANTAGE on the home page. Happy summer learning!

But summer is also a good time to not just keep things warm but to actually help your child make progress in areas that have been a problem in the past. To do that, your child needs a tutor. But that tutor can be you. Here’s what to do.

Get a plan from your child’s teacher. Before school ends, ask your child’s teacher what he needs to learn over the summer. Knowing this will help you decide what to do. If you can’t get a plan from the teacher, ask your child. He will know what he needs help in.

Set daily goals for practice. Daily practice is the most important thing. It’s too easy to let things slide but there’s no way to cram 10 weeks of work into the last two weeks of the summer. So make working on school skills part of the regular routine of every summer day.

Round up practice materials. Every bookstore has workbooks and that’s a good starting point. But also try to locate instructional websites for kids and good books to read. Feel free also to write your own materials, incorporating school skills into a trip to the park, doing science experiments, and playing sports. Math, reading and writing are part of everyday life. Make opportunities to find these in the activities your child does for fun.

Plan a weekly tutoring session. This could be a professional tutor. Or it could be the college student next door or it could even be you. The idea here is that a weekly review session provides some accountability and a chance to notice progress made and progress not-made. It’s a chance to set goals for the next week. If you fill this role yourself, you might find it works best to hold this meeting with your child at the local library – someplace different from home. This makes this session more formal, less open to interruption, and assures that you and she will take the time needed to really review things.

If you decide to hire a professional tutor, be clear about what will be covered. Some tutoring services work to their own agendas and take a long time to start working on the skills your child needs right now. Make certain that while a tutor works on foundational skills your child missed years ago, he or she also works on grade-level skills your child will need when school starts in the fall.

The key here is to not use work on school skills as punishment. Don’t single out your child who struggled in school this year and let your other child who is doing well in school do nothing over the summer. Remember that every child needs to keep thinking over the summer. Make thinking part of every child’s every day.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Here’s what happened. You got the letter that says your child was admitted to the Gifted Program (or the traveling team, or the best preschool in your town, or Harvard). You’re filled with pride, of course. But you know what will happen when your friends find out. Your bubble will be burst. Your joy will be overtaken by other people’s envy.

This doesn’t seem fair. Why can’t they be happy along with you? Why does their resentment have to ruin everything?

Well, of course, they could be happy along with you. This would be the noble thing to do. This is what you would do in their place, wouldn’t you? … Wouldn’t you?

Maybe not. Everyone wants his own child to shine. Everyone’s child deserves accolades. But there aren’t enough accolades to go around. And, quite frankly, most of the acclaim seems to go to the same kids, over and over.

The truth is that some children seem to attract awards like a magnet. The same kids who are in the gifted program win the science fair (of course!) but they also take the blue ribbon in the art show, land the leading role in the school play, are written up in the papers for their volunteer work, are voted the most-good-looking, and are the star on whatever team they play for. Some kids seem to have it all.

And that gets old after a while, for everyone else. Not only that, but there’s an odd thing going on: even if it seems like this is your child’s first award (finally!), other kids and their parents wanted it too. So even if it doesn’t appear to you that your child always wins, even one win can make others think he leads a golden life.

Competition does strange things to people. And competition involving what matters most to us – our children and their happiness – makes everyone act strangely. What can you do?

1. Talk about your child’s accomplishments only if someone else brings them up. Don’t volunteer the fact that Suzette took first in whatever she took first in. Wait for someone to mention it.

2. Be humble. When someone does say they read about Suzette in the papers, join in on the admiration but only in a wondering tone. If your child is amazing, let yourself be amazed.

3. Avoid comparisons. The moment you even think, “My child is so much better than your child” you’re doomed. This thought will be obvious to everyone.

4. Shut up quickly. Do not go on and on about how hard Suzette prepared for the competition, how things went against her early but she rallied, and finally how she pulled ahead and was bathed in glory. Don’t do it. Answer others’ questions and follow with a question of your own – about their children.

5. Be honest. Your child’s success really isn’t something you did yourself. Don’t take credit for it or puff yourself up over it. Accept others’ admiration graciously and with sincere thanks.

Be tolerant of others’ resentment. Be aware of others’ feelings. And if they never mention your child’s good fortune, it doesn’t mean they’re seething with envy. They might not even have noticed what happened for your child. They will have been caught up in their own children’s doings.

Finally, keep in mind that parenting really isn’t a competitive sport. Gold medals and letters of acceptance are wonderful but they don’t actually mean much in the long run. In the long run, it’s getting along with others that counts.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.