Look around the next time you eat in a fast food restaurant: what are parents doing while their children eat? A new study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics found that most parents are on the phone.

Researchers watched 55 parents or caregivers and their children as they shared a fast food meal. A whopping 70% of adults (about 39 of them) used their phone – to talk, text, surf the web, check social media, or even watch videos – at least once.  One-third of them used the phone continuously while the children ate.

The children noticed, of course. The study found that kids acted up while their parents were focused on their phones more than they did when parents were focused on them. Parents whose children misbehaved over-reacted, according to researchers, instead of reacting more appropriately.

Naturally, this is a problem. Children who act out in public are a nuisance. Parents who are unreasonably harsh are less successful in guiding their children. But the problem is deeper. Parents who ignore their children during mealtimes are missing out on important learning opportunities for their kids.

Researcher Elaine Schulte notes, “Children really need that interaction and the best thing for developing minds is to build that relationship where the parent is looking at the child, where the child is looking at the parent, they’re engaging in conversation.” Children whose parents have withdrawn into their own, handheld world miss out on chances to talk and think. Conversation is an important vehicle for learning. Less conversation means less learning.

The problem may not be confined to fast food dining. The problem may be happening at other meals, maybe even at your house, during family dinner time. What can you do instead?

1. Keep phones away from the table.  Put them in another room entirely. This goes for children’s phones and handhelds too.
2. Put phones – while they’re away from the table in another room –  on mute during mealtimes so you won’t be distracted by a beeping notification.
3. Turn off the television too.
4. Talk with your children about pleasant topics. Be prepared with neutral conversation starters, like “What was the funniest thing that happened today?” or “Where would you go if you could travel anywhere?” Get your children talking and talk with them.
5. If no one talks with you, talk yourself. Answer your own question. If your family is unused to making conversation, it may take some time to get things rolling.

Don’t give up. If you’re used to consulting your phone frequently, not consulting it will seem odd and uncomfortable. Stick with this, though. Make a new habit to replace the old one.

Make the habit of talking with your kids.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

Who puts food on your preschooler’s plate?

According to  the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, it should be the children themselves. Serving meals “family-style,” in which each diner dishes what he wants onto his own plate, is considered best-practice in child care centers. If classrooms of 10 to 16 children can do it, certainly so can you.

There are lots of advantages. Children learn motor skills involved in scooping and pouring and in using serving spoons, tongs, and pitchers. They learn to estimate their own hunger and control how much to serve themselves. Children are more likely to eat what they’ve actually chosen but they are less likely to overeat. Children in child care centers who eat family-style are less likely to be obese.

We don’t believe children can do it. We think they will make a mess. And, of course, they might. Kids do need to be guided in how to use serving utensils and they need help to make certain they don’t knock over a cup of milk while scooping up some macaroni. Like any other skill, we have to show our children what to do and give them plenty of opportunities for practice.

We don’t believe children will do it. We worry that they will serve themselves too little or nothing at all. Keep in mind that children will not starve themselves. Given a chance to choose from the good food you put on the table, they will pick what they are likely to eat. They are actually likely to eat more and waste less than if grownups fill their plates for them.

We think it takes too much time. Well, what’s the hurry? Mealtime should take whatever time it needs. With practice, children will become more adept, even as adept as you.

Parents spend a lot of energy worrying what their children eat and how much. It’s time to let children take charge. Free yourself from insisting your child clean her plate – a plate you dished up – and invite her to sit with you and eat what looks delicious.

If nutritionists don’t worry, why should you?

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

Every person has ups and downs. But kids don’t know that. Sometimes children think they’re the only ones to ever have failed at something, the only ones to have ever wished for something that seems out of reach, the only ones to have ever been afraid. Knowing that ups and downs are normal – and that the downs are always followed by ups – is important. How can we send that message to our children so they have this truth to fall back on in hard times?

Researcher Marshall Duke has the answer and it’s a simple one you can start working on today. The answer is “by sharing family stories.” Children who have heard tales of their parents’, grandparents’ and other relatives’ lives are more resilient and better able to cope with adversity.

According to Duke, family stories follow one of three general patterns. There’s first the rising narrative: “When we started out, we had nothing. Then we worked hard and became successful.” This narrative is the classic American boot-strapping story, of course, and it’s the basis for lots of books and movies.

Then there’s the falling narrative: “We used to be important and happy. Now we’re nothing.” This narrative captures a previous state of grace that could be recaptured. It might even motivate a child to work hard and restore the family’s rightful place in the world.

But the most motivating narrative of all is the narrative of ups and downs: “We’ve had hard times and we’ve had good times. But through it all, we’ve cared about each other and made it through.” The key thing is, these narratives – all three of them – are not delivered just like that, as two-sentence stories. They are built up over time, through anecdotes, remembrances, and object lessons that gradually fill in the picture of a family with a rich past… and a rich future.

Duke’s researchers asked families of 9-to-12 year-old children and then families of 14- to 16 year-olds a set of 20 questions, designed to assess how much members knew about their own family history. The researchers also listened to the sharing of family narratives by taping dinner table conversations. All this data was counted, and then compared to the results of tests of what is known as “self-agency” and emotional stability taken by children in the participating families. These were simple questions and the bits of family history that were inserted into conversations were ordinary sorts of things. The families didn’t know that researchers were counting family lore.

But the results were astonishing. Children and teens in families in which family stories were routinely shared and who knew many of the answers to the 20 questions – because these questions had been part of shared lore in the past – were overwhelmingly more self-confident, more resilient in the face of problems, and happier than kids who heard less and knew less about their families.

We could ask why?

Duke and his team believe the answer lies in a sense of an “intergenerational self.” It helps to know we are each part of something bigger than ourselves. It helps to know that others have had a bumpy road too and have managed, one way or another. Even if a child never met his grandparents or great-grandparents, knowing they bravely crossed oceans or borders to get here or defended their families and country in time of war or raised children with little help, all these stories send the message: “you are a member of a family of strong people.”

So, don’t hold back. Tell tales about your family and about the ancestral family. Dig out old photographs or talk with the family elders. And see if you – and your kids – can answer “yes” to Duke’s 20 questions:

1. Do you know how your parents met?
2. Do you know where your mother grew up?
3. Do you know where your father grew up?
4. Do you know where some of your grandparents grew up?
5. Do you know where some of your grandparents met?
6. Do you know where your parents were married?
7. Do you know what went on when you were being born?
8. Do you know the source of your name?
9. Do you know some things about what happened when your brothers or sisters were being born?
10. Do you know which person in your family you look most like?
11. Do you know which person in the family you act most like?
12. Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger?
13. Do you know some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences?
14. Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school?
15. Do you know the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, etc)?
16. Do you know some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young?
17. Do you know some awards that your parents received when they were young?
18. Do you know the names of the schools that your mom went to?
19. Do you know the names of the schools that your dad went to?
20. Do you know about a relative whose face “froze” in a grumpy position because he or she did not smile enough?*

* If you’ve ever told your child that making a face will cause it to stay that way, Duke’s research team understands. They realize that not every family story will be strictly true or agreed-upon by everyone in the family. Accuracy isn’t so important as telling the tales the way you remember them. And, by the way, 15% of Duke’s participants answered “yes” to question 20!

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.