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“Dad, can you take me to the game?  I need to be there in ten minutes.”

“Mom, can you drop me off at Maddie’s across town at 5pm and pick me up at 7:30?”

“I need a ride to the store to grab a poster board for my project due tomorrow.”

 

School assignments, social gatherings, sports, and after school activities all seem to be more abundant as your teen gets older.  With the number of places your teen needs to be and fewer teens acquiring their first license under age eighteen, how are students getting to and from their extracurricular events? That responsibility has fallen squarely in the laps of moms and dads.  

If constantly serving as a taxi isn’t appealing, you have an opportunity to transition the responsibility of getting to and from events to your teen. With each new task you give to your budding adult, you want to make sure they hear your heart and know the why behind this decision. It is important to make it clear that they are not an inconvenience to you. However, in their current way of thinking, they are relying on you to take them to and fro on a whim with little to no planning. This is not how life works. If they want you to take them somewhere, they need to ask respectfully, offer a way to clarify (note on the counter, family online calendar or app, weekly printed calendar on the fridge), and have a plan to get a ride in the other direction so you only have to do one trip. When you help them understand that until they have purchased their own car, they will have plenty of chances to work out their own transportation and you are just helping them get ahead of the curve by starting now.  

After you have explained the “why,” it is necessary to help them talk through the “how.” Amazingly, this is not obvious to all teens. Because they have always been driven to and from everything, they think that is just the way it is. Asking them to come up with ways they could get to a friend’s house and how they would work out each is a good indicator of their thinking. Some kids will mention walking or riding a bike. Some may think of the city bus, Uber or Lyft, or getting a ride with a friend. All of these are viable options, and helping your teen work through some scenarios based on the places they go most often will open their eyes to the possibilities. What if instead of coming home from school for fifteen minutes to grab their practice equipment, they took it to school and got a ride home with the student who lives within walking distance to the practice field? Instead of you driving them to the arena for a big concert (which will take you twice as long as normal based on the traffic) they arranged a meeting spot for everyone to get dropped off at a public transportation stop and they took the bus or train together to the event? When we put the responsibility on them to figure it out, they realize a little inconvenience on their part can save tons of time for others driving and can possibly be fun.  

 

It is important to go over family rules and guidelines about who they are and are not allowed to ride with. If your state has a graduated license program, be familiar with it, and let your teen know what the law is and how they are held accountable. They can only ride with a friend if that friend has the legal ability to drive other teens. This is a good time to cover drinking and driving and to offer that if your teen is ever in a situation where they need a ride to avoid riding with someone who is under the influence, you would willingly come pick them up with no further consequences.  This can be a life-saving conversation.  

Teaching your teen to work out their own transportation is a life skill that will serve them well. If our goal is to work ourselves out of a job, this is just one of many steps in that process. Each responsibility we shift from our plate to theirs brings them one step closer to becoming a well-functioning adult. 

You’ve probably heard the famous words of St. Francis of Assisi, “For it is in the giving that we receive.” But how do we translate that to real life for our children? 

When we encourage siblings to share with one another, they often do so begrudgingly. When we offer opportunities like a school supply drive or holiday toy donation to our family members, it is usually Mom or Dad footing the bill for the donated items. If we really want our family to reap the rewards of service, we are going to have to put on our work gloves and lead by example.

There is an abundant amount of scientific evidence for the benefits of altruism. There are many examples of how focusing on others not only feels good, but does us good. Of course we all want to feel happier, less depressed, and better able to regulate our own emotions. One way to grow in these areas, is by serving others.  

Depending on the age of your children, there are so many great opportunities to lend a hand. Some investigating and a few phone calls will land you the volunteer opportunity of your dreams, and bond your family in a unique way. 

When considering what type of volunteer work you wish to engage in, you could ask your family members “If you could change one thing in our community, what would it be?” or “What breaks your heart?” Family dinner discussions around these topics will start to peel back the layers of your family onion, where your hearts meet and will have a chance to make a difference. 

Some of the possibilities to serve with your children include:

Chances to do good are all around you. Pick what best suits your family and find a way to give back. You might find that you are the one who reaps some of the rewards. 

If you love winning, raise your hand. (Is your hand raised? I’m guessing so.) 

If you love losing, raise your hand. (Sitting comfortably with your hands in your lap?) 

Let’s ask a different question. When you think about the most valuable lessons you have learned in your lifetime, did more of them come from a success or a failure? 

Here is where we often base our parenting decisions on emotion rather than statistical evidence. According to Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, our desire to keep our children from experiencing pain overrides even our own life experiences about learning from failure. As she keenly points out, “Out of love and desire to protect our children’s self-esteem, we have bulldozed every uncomfortable bump and obstacle out of the way, clearing the manicured path we hoped would lead to success and happiness. 

Unfortunately, in doing so we have deprived our children of the most important lessons of childhood. The setbacks, mistakes, miscalculations, and failures we have shoved out of our children’s way are the very experiences that teach them how to be resourceful, persistent, innovative and resilient citizens of this world.” 

Jessica implores us as parents to evaluate our actions and reactions to our children’s failures in light of what we rob them of when we rescue them. Think back to your own childhood … I’ll bet you have a story similar to mine. In fourth grade our class went to the library to check out biographies. I don’t remember why, but I chose George Washington Carver. I loved to read and eagerly started on my book as soon as I got home. However, unlike the Beverly Cleary books of my lazy afternoons, old George wasn’t really so interesting. My interest quickly waned and I forgot about the looming book report deadline. When the day came, I just didn’t turn anything in. When the teacher handed back everyone’s reports a few days later, I received a form with my name, the assignment, and a big “F” circled in red pen. Having never received an “F” before, I wasn’t really worried until I realized the form had a line for “parent signature” underneath. Begrudgingly, I took the form home and had to explain to my mother (a life-long teacher herself) that I failed for not turning in a report. 

If this were a modern sitcom, you could hear the parental yelling in the next room. But my mom calmly explained to me she would sign the form, but only after I read the book and wrote the report. She really didn’t make a big deal about it because she firmly believed that my school was my responsibility. She had not failed, I had failed. She was not a bad parent, nor was I a bad student. I made a choice that led to a consequence and now I had to pay the piper. So I dutifully read the book, wrote the report, and turned it in. Guess what? My grade didn’t change. I still had an “F.” But I learned a valuable lesson. I did not like the feeling of earning a bad grade. Notice I said “earning,” not “receiving;” the teacher did not give me an “F” like a gift. I had not done the work when it was due; therefore, I earned the “F.”. 

Throughout the rest of my schooling, I worked hard to earn my good grades. I knew I never wanted to feel that pit in my stomach again from not giving my best. We would never want to rob our children of the joy of winning the state basketball tournament after a season of hard work. How can we view their opportunity to experience the agony of defeat in the same way? When you wonder how to help facilitate long-term change in your child’s behavior, consider the value of letting them experience the natural consequences of their own choices. 

Failure is a valuable teacher. Give your child the opportunity to learn, don’t rob them of the chance to learn from their own mistakes. As Henry Ford said, “Even a mistake may turn out to be the one thing necessary to a worthwhile achievement.”

The school year. The excitement of new notebooks and new pens and colored pencils. The fun of seeing friends after the summer and settling back into a routine. The thrill for parents of micromanaging the details of their child’s homework, sports schedules, play practices, and club meetings. What, you don’t love micromanaging all of this? Where is your helicopter? If the anticipation of the school year keeps you awake at night, we have some ideas for you. What if this year you transition your student to owning his or her homework, grades, and activities? “Seriously?” you ask. “Let Mark remember to bring his practice uniform on soccer days and bring it home to be washed? He might scare off all the ladies with his three day sweat-infused socks. Count on Michaela to pack her backpack the night before so she is on time to homeroom? Without reminding her? Are you kidding?” No. Not kidding. Depending on the age of your son or daughter, it is very likely that you are clinging to some responsibilities that would be better transitioned over to them.

Let’s think about what it looks like to step back so your child steps forward. What is one school responsibility you have been holding onto that your son or daughter could totally manage? Consider these and other possibilities:

Remember, it is not about knowing they can successfully manage their school responsibilities today. It’s about giving them the opportunities to grow into successfully managing them. There will probably be some mistakes and maybe (if needed) some coaching along the way—but that’s part of learning how to step forward on their own with confidence.

As a foster parent, psychotherapist, and expert in family and teen therapy, Amy Morin—author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do—has witnessed first-hand what works: “When children have the skills they need to deal with challenges in their everyday lives, they can flourish socially, emotionally, behaviorally, and academically. With appropriate support, encouragement, and guidance from adults, kids grow stronger and become better.”

Talk with your kids about what they think they can manage themselves. Ask them how they will transition to own this skill. What do they want from you and what can you count on them for? Do they (or you) need a check-off list or chart? If so, ask them to make it. Do they need a reminder? What would a good reminder be (sticky note on the door or mirror, alarm on their phone or automated reminder on the phone, note on the fridge)? Have them set it up and take ownership of it.

Try your best not to nag, remind, helicopter, over-check, or do any of these things while pretending not to. This is letting them learn. Giving them the chance to succeed or fail or fall somewhere in between. It is ok. The stakes are small. This does not go on your permanent record (and even if it does, it is better to have a ding on a school record than to start one with the police). If you set a reasonable timeframe for them to manage this skill, you can have a check-in conversation at the end. If they make a mistake in the middle, refrain from correcting. It’s fine to ask if they need any help, but unless they say “yes,” back away and continue to let them work toward owning this. If they blow it, give them a Mulligan. This is the crux of leading your child on the path toward responsible, unentitled adulthood. They have to try hard things and feel the full brunt of their decisions and actions. They have to feel the feeling of achievement when they succeed without any parental involvement. This is the “high” we want them to feel. This is what we want them to seek more of. You will be amazed when they get going on this and start to take on more and more responsibility without your help in the process.

The rewards for this are monumental. They feel proud of their maturity. You feel proud of their accomplishment. This builds trust and mutual respect for your ongoing relationship. They feel empowered to move on to bigger and better things. You can enjoy the break from feeling responsible for everything. The goal becomes finding new things to move from your plate to theirs. The helicopter has landed.

I am so not ready for this. He’s probably going to screw it up. Maybe not in a huge way. He can recover. It will be a great lesson.

Stop.

Read that again. Does that resonate with you in any area of your tween or teen’s life? If so, she is ready for a new responsibility. What is holding her back? Could it be you?

This exact scenario played out in my mind and caused me to realize that I was keeping my 14-year-old son from learning a valuable skill. He had been babysitting the neighbors’ kids and making a decent amount of money. Every week I would request payment from the dad through Venmo. Depending on how many days he worked and how many hours, I would calculate the amount and send the neighbor a Venmo request. It dawned on me that McGuire should be the one doing this. Not only because it takes my time and is something I don’t enjoy doing, but also because he will be better off if he owns this responsibility.  As Amy Morin, LCSW, writes for Verywell, “Make sure you’re investing time into teaching your teen life skills. Practical skills, like how to do the laundry and how to cook meals, are important. But it’s also essential to make sure your teen knows how to manage his money and understands how to communicate with other people effectively.”

I am scared to death. It is real money. He could blow it. What is the worst thing that could happen? I am here. I can have a period of supervision during which I check and recheck his accuracy. So tomorrow, I’m going to sit down with him and take the next step. We’re going to have a discussion about the gravity of this responsibility, and about his role in keeping up with his hours and requesting money from the neighbor. I’m going to open a Venmo account with him. (According to the Venmo user agreement, you must be 18 in order to have an account. In the case of minors, if a parent is the custodian of their bank account, the parent is actually the Venmo account holder.  So it is still under your oversight until you officially turn it over at 18.) I am going to try not to take the phone away from him while he types in the account number and important information. I can already feel my stomach filling with butterflies. I am going to let him link his savings account with Venmo. Again, I feel terrified.  Godzilla-sized parent fears are circulating everywhere. But I will be strong. I will crush those fears with the knowledge that I am raising a responsible adult. I know he can do this. He will need help and he will have questions. But I know he can do it. And I am going to let him.

What is it that you are holding onto that your teenager could be doing for herself? How can you prepare her for adulthood by taking a step back and allowing her to take a step forward? Now is the time. In every situation of handing over responsibility, it is important to have a discussion about whose responsibility it is and how the transition will occur. Teach your teen how to do what it is you are asking her to do. Let her know she can always ask you questions and come to you for advice.  And even if you are not 100% confident she can handle this responsibility, step back and let her try. You’ll be glad you did.

 

My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.  

My bologna has a second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R.  

Gone are the days of simple bologna on white bread, a Hostess® cupcake and a bag of Fritos®. Rarely do you see paper lunch bags that have been tossed after trading sandwiches with a classmate. Many of today’s school lunches can seem more like a Top Chef contest with parents packing bento boxes and preparing tiny versions of Pinterest-worthy gourmet items. If you could see the lunchroom trash can, you would likely think twice about all this effort. You might also realize that if you have a goal of training your son or daughter to become a well-functioning adult, he will clearly benefit from making his own lunch starting right now. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests on their website, healthychildren.org, “Do Less. Parents need to stop doing things for their teens, like making lunch or running an “emergency” load of wash, that teens can do for themselves.”

Many parents view the process of making school lunches as a kindness offered to their teens and tweens, who spend most of their waking hours either at school, studying, or at an extracurricular activity. However, if we are serious about developing responsibility and gratefulness in the hearts of our students, one way to guide them down that path is to allow them to make their own lunch. Seems like a simple thing, and it is. But many parents started making lunches when their child started kindergarten, and they just haven’t found the right time to stop, despite the fact that their “child” is now a sophomore. There is nothing wrong with making lunch to save your kids time. But if you do it all the time, they miss the opportunity to gain responsibility, as well as the chance to feel genuinely grateful when something is done for them unexpectedly.

If you want to transition this skill to your tween or teen, simply follow these easy steps. First, have a conversation explaining that you are not quitting as a parent. You are, in fact, stepping up your parent game by adding an important skill to your student’s adulting capabilities. Then let her know that you will either buy items she requests for lunch when you go to the store (give her a day and a way to communicate—text message, list on the fridge) or you will give her money to purchase the items she would like each week. Then ask her if she needs any help with ideas or recipes.

The rest is simple. Don’t make their lunch. Hunger is a powerful motivator. They will figure this one out.

One of the great benefits I have found in following this method is that when your teen oversleeps or has a big project due, he is truly grateful when you step in and make his lunch to save time. When you are no longer the “Lunch Lady,” it gives him a chance to see you in a new light and to appreciate how much you do for him. And after his own attempts to make a meal, dinner might suddenly taste all the better as well.  

 

 “Mom, have you seen my jeans with the holes in them?”

“Hey Mom, is my soccer uniform clean?”

“Dad, when you are shopping, can you pick up some more socks for me? I’m running out.”

Back in the throes of potty training, most parents heard friends with older children say, “No one goes to college in diapers.” However, there are many students who leave for college without ever having run the washing machine. According to a study by Mulberry Garment Care, 48.6% of males and 32.4% of females have never done laundry until after their eighteenth birthday. Tell your teens since they want to be above average, you are going to teach them to do their own laundry. This is a chore each person in the family can do on their own, even starting at age nine or ten. With a family of seven, my life became exponentially simpler when I stopped worrying about doing full loads of laundry containing everyone’s clothes and let each person wash their own. With high efficiency washers, we no longer have to worry about wasting water doing this either.

Teaching teens how to do their own laundry will prove worthwhile both now and in the future. It just takes a few simple steps.  

First, when implementing any new idea, it is helpful to have a “why” discussion, pointing out the reasons you are transitioning this task from your plate to your teen’s.  You might mention they know best when they need items like sports uniforms or special apparel for work or school. Therefore, they can plan to have their clothes washed, dried, and ready to go better than you can.  They should know that you have always wanted them to be above average, and that learning this skill puts them in category for kids graduating high school. You might also remind them that your job is to teach them what they need to know to be a successful adult, and this is one important “adulting” step in that direction that they can learn and practice ahead of time. The other two steps are simple.  

Ask them to gather their laundry (I said simple, not easy) and meet you by the washer. Show them how to sort, read labels, and run the machine. The cardinal rule of laundry in our house is “towels by themselves.” This eliminates the dreaded lint ball problem. Point out any dark colored cotton items that might bleed, and mention a word or two about how mixing those with light-colored clothes can turn all their favorite T-shirts or underwear pink. It might be enough to keep them from washing lights and darks together. Then step aside and let them have at it.  

Resist the urge to take this responsibility back. You will be tempted to gather their clothes off the floor or grab their overflowing laundry basket and throw a load in while they are at school. This is counter-productive if your goals for them include independence and maturity. Close their door if you need to, but let them manage this on their own. You (and their future spouse) will be glad you did.

 

How many times have you found yourself late for an important event because your teen wasn’t ready to leave? Does your teen typically show up a few minutes (or more) late to appointments or activities? How do we stop ourselves from trying to wrestle our kids into the car, and get them to take responsibility for their own timeliness?   

In working on a plan to transition accountability to our students, managing their time is an important one for us to let go. According to the Harvard University Center on the Developing Child, “Self-regulation is necessary in any goal- directed activity. Identifying goals, planning, monitoring progress, and adjusting behavior are important skills to practice.”

Often we don’t realize our own habits are contributing to the things our teens do that frustrate us. The 10-minute warning you may have used during the toddler years and found effective even through elementary school now may be causing your teen to rely on you as the alarm for her schedule. When they plan to go to a movie with their friends, do they have the skills to figure out how to get there before the movie starts? If so, they can get anywhere on time—if they want to. When we are constantly reminding and prodding, our teens assume that the responsibility of being on time is ours, not theirs.  

So the simple answer of how to give the responsibility of time management to our teens is to just stop reminding them. But what if this causes them to be late for something crucial? To be fair to them, we have to have a process to take this off our plate and place it on theirs.  

Following these three steps and being patient is all you need to make this work.  

First, have a conversation about why being on time is important and why it is important for him to learn to be on time. Inform him that you will no longer be reminding him.  

Second, talk with her about what system she can create to determine what time she will need to leave,     how much time she’ll need to get ready, and how to remind herself about her own timeline. If you are concerned about an event that has significant consequences for tardiness, then start with events that don’t have major pitfalls, like a movie or a friend’s party. Help your teen come up with the time she wants to be at the event, the transportation time to get there, how much time she’ll need to get ready beforehand, and a way to set an alarm or reminder for the time she needs to start the process.

Third, then tackle the hardest part: “Just do it.”  

 Step away and realize they may make mistakes and they may be late or even miss something. That is not your problem. When you take this monkey off your back, you are doing your teen a great service by helping him develop lifelong skills of maturity and responsibility.

 

 

Most parents have a vision for their children from the time they are young.  This vision usually includes a dream of a cap and gown, their graduate getting a job, moving out, and living successfully on their own.

However, most of us as parents don’t really have a specific plan for transitioning from doing everything for our toddlers to having teenagers doing most things for themselves. In fact, many of the things we do as well-meaning, loving parents actually discourage the achievement of this milestone. Do you know anyone who would rather pay for everything and do all the chores themselves if they had an option to have free rent, a full-time cook, maid, and chauffeur?

Boystown, a one hundred-year-old residential home for struggling kids, encourages parents, “Teens also want to be treated like adults. Parents can do this, first by teaching their teens they are responsible for the consequences of their choices, and second by holding them accountable for these choices.” If we want our teens to be motivated to achieve their own success, we have to transfer responsibility to them for “adulting.”  This seems easy enough, but if we check our own homes, we might find that we are unintentionally holding our students back by doing too many things for them. Now is the time to lovingly step back and allow our teens to assume responsibility for things they could be doing for themselves.

Ironically, what we do out of necessity when our children are little, becomes a habit as they grow older.  How do we decide when it is time for them to take on more responsibility?  Just as we are amazed at our toddler’s ability to drink out of a regular cup at a restaurant when we have forgotten their sippy-cup, we are also amazed when our sloppily dressed son gets a girlfriend and emerges from the laundry room with his shirt and khakis miraculously ironed. YouTube plus a little motivation is an amazing thing.  If he was able to iron today, could he have ironed yesterday, or perhaps a year ago? Probably.

So the way to tell if your teen is ready for a task is not to wait until he is magically able to assume it on his own, but to start handing off responsibilities and let him learn under your supervision. With this method, he will have the chance to make a few mistakes along the way and recover in a nurturing environment.

Here are five things you might be doing for your son or daughter that they can probably do for themselves

  1. Saving them from their “I forgot”s
  2. Making sure they are on time
  3. Doing their laundry
  4. Working out their transportation
  5. Making their lunch

If you decide to transition any of these tasks to your teen, there are three simple steps to follow.

One is to have a conversation about why you feel this is a job they can handle, and that you are no longer going to do this for them.

Two is to role-play or teach her the skill and make sure she understands. She should also know that she can come ask you questions if she needs help.

Three is to just let it go and not take over when he doesn’t do it perfectly. Here’s to growing those teenagers into successful adults!