Many small children these days spend at least one night a week with someone other than their mother. Usually, this is a result of shared parenting plans, worked out as part of a divorce. Certainly shared parenting is a good idea and studies support the active involvement of both parents in the life of infants and older children.

But a study from the University of Virginia found that babies under the age of one who spend at least one night a week away from their usual home were insecurely attached. In fact, 43% of babies with weekly overnights at their fathers’ house were insecurely attached compared to just 16% of children who visited their fathers less frequently.

Attachment is established by about age 10 months. Secure attachment appears to provide lifelong advantages in social relationships and self-confidence.

Notice that there’s no magic in staying every night with Mom. If the father is the more-connected parent and the child spends most of her time in Dad’s home, then the same issue would be a factor in overnight stays at the mother’s home. It’s not that mothers confer any advantage. It’s that infants need consistency and even a one-night-per-week disruption of that damages the formation of secure attachment.

Notice also that the problem with inconsistency isn’t limited to divorced parents who share parenting. Families in which the more-connected parent travels extensively for business and is away from home one night per week may find the same problem with attachment develops. While in this case, the baby is at least sleeping in his usual crib at night, attachment with a main caregiver may be at risk.

So what can parents do? One of the researchers said, “I would like infants and toddlers to be securely attached to two parents, but I am more worried about them being securely attached to zero parents.” Ensuring the future mental health and social strengths of babies seems a worthy reason to adjust parents’ lives.

1. In families affected by divorce, parents should limit severely the number of nights an infant spends away from her usual home. Instead, babies can spend more time during the day with their secondary caregiver.

2. In families in which frequent travel takes the primary caregiver away, efforts could be made to make the alternate parent the primary one. This parent could work from home, be responsible for all the care and activities a main caregiver provides, and otherwise fill the role of main parent. Obviously, it is best if this arrangement is established before the baby is born, instead of trying to change things after the mother goes back to work after her maternity leave.

3. For all families, results from the study suggest that after a child’s first birthday, weekly sleepovers can gradually be introduced. By the time a child is an older preschooler – age four or thereabouts – he can divide his time equally between Mom’s house and Dad’s house without ill effect.

No one ever said that having a baby would be convenient. Catering to the attachment needs of a small child can seem unnecessary, especially since the effects of poor attachment may not be noticeable right away.

But children need a sense of security and care. It’s up to moms and dads together to make that so.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.

Are you parenting on your own right now? Do you anticipate you might be parenting on your own soon?

You know, there are lots of reasons you might find yourself suddenly raising your kids without backup. There’s separation or divorce, of course. But it’s also possible that…

• The other parent is away on business or some other trip for a limited time
• The other parent is away for an extended period of time (deployment, incarceration, business) or
• The other parent is hospitalized or in some other way unable to be fully “present” as a parent.

It doesn’t really matter why you find yourself on your own with the kiddos – or how long this stretch of single-parenting looks like it will last. The principles we’re going to talk about are the same. And I’m only going to give you three steps to take because, really, your life is complicated enough. No need to add to it!

Ready? Here you go:

1. Get a buddy. Parenting is meant to be a 2-player sport. If you’re one player down, you’re at a disadvantage. You are likely to get tired, feel stressed, and run out of patience and resilience. So get a buddy – someone who can share the load and who can give you a break once a in a while. If you can’t find one person to rely on or a posse of people willing to act as your personal backup, then a support group can help. But a support group is not the same as actual on-the-ground contributions by friends and family.

One quick caveat here. As you’ve probably noticed, pedophiles look for families like yours if you are a single mother who is stretched to near the breaking point. Make certain that the person you decide to rely on for your backup backs up you and doesn’t seem intent on removing your child from your immediate supervision. You need a break from your kid but pay attention to what’s going on.

2. Be yourself. You are not two people and you certainly are not your partner. You are only you. So do your best and don’t worry about not doing everything your partner would do in addition to everything you do yourself. There are only 24 hours in the day.

At the same time, being yourself means being the whole, interesting person that you are. Growing up in a single-parent family can be rich and funny and full of great things if you forget about trying to do everything and instead do what you and your kids like to do. The same goes for growing up in a family where one parent is often away from home or for spending the weekend with just one parent or the other.

Don’t try to be two people. Be your finest You.

3. Be proud. There is no reason at all to apologize to anyone – to your children or your mother or the school – that it’s just you running the show at home. There is no evidence that children in single-parent households do less-well than kids who grow up in two-parent households. So don’t feel anxious about raising your children on your own but also don’t make any excuses for your kids or for yourself. You can and should raise your children just as well as anybody else.

The same goes for sharing parenting with an ex, parenting alone while the other parent is away, and parenting in shifts. Every sort of family works well, yours included.

The secret to raising well-adjusted, successful children is to be a well-adjusted, successful role model. Be that and be proud. Let the world be amazed.

Because you are amazing. Raising great children is not a walk in the park for anyone and if you’re doing that on your own, even for just the weekend, then pat yourself on the back.

But when you’re finished with the self-congratulations, concentrate on your kids. What do they need right at this moment and how can you help them?

No matter what your situation, it’s your children’s day-to-day experiences that matter. Make those terrific!

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.