Years ago, researchers Betty Hart and Todd Risley found that there are vast differences in the sheer number of words young children hear every day. They found that in some families, preschoolers heard on average 600 words per hour. But in other families, preschoolers heard about 1200 words per hour while in a third group of families preschoolers heard over 2100 words per hour.

That’s a huge difference. It adds up to a difference of more than three million words by the time two-year-olds turn five. But the differences don’t end there. Hart and Risley found that children who heard fewer words had smaller vocabularies and knew fewer concepts. They were, in fact, less smart than other kids. A lot less smart.

This study was conducted before the cell phone era. But imagine if it were conducted today and the differences between families was not on parent education or household income but on how attentive parents are to their children and how attentive they are to their phones. The fact is, children who used to hear over 2100 words per hour probably hear many fewer these days. Most of the time their parents are busy, talking to someone else.

The key idea is that conversation matters only when it’s real and in-person. The talk that comes from the television or radio doesn’t count. The talk that is an overheard phone conversation doesn’t count. It’s important that children be talked with directly and listened to. In order for conversation to contribute to children’s vocabularies and intellectual development is has to be about what’s going on. So when parents are distracted by their phones the child loses out.

Modern moms and dads should be aware of the hazards their own distractions can pose. Here are some suggestions:

1. Turn OFF your phone when out and about with your child. Notice what’s going on around you and talk about it. Sing. Talk with other people you meet. Walk with another adult and talk with that person. All this conversation is real and it contributes to your child’s development.

2. Wrench your attention away from your phone when you are texting, surfing, and otherwise not engaged in a real-time conversation. The person you’re with is more important than someone or something you can check back with any time. If a text is of immediate importance, say, “I’ll be right with you!” and then DO get right back to the child and give him your undivided attention.

3. When you’re at home, uncouple yourself from the television, talk radio, the computer, and your phone. Yes, hanging around a two-year-old is boring when it’s not frantic. True, your child doesn’t need your full attention every minute she’s awake. But if you are uninterruptable for long periods of time, your child is missing out… and it’s easy to let long periods of time go by.

Our devices have insinuated themselves into the fabric of our lives and they threaten to derail children’s development. This is such an unexpected idea that one might discount it. Don’t.

Your child’s preschool years create the foundation for her future success. Hang up the phone and talk with the little person next to you.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

The transition from school to home is as tricky as your own transition from work to home can be.  No matter if your child goes to preschool, or grade school or high school, making the adjustment from school or childcare to home can be tricky.

Here are some tips to make things go more smoothly.

1. Be present. By that I mean,  be really there, available, undistracted. Don’t listen to the radio or check your email and stay off of Facebook. Turn off the TV if you’re the one watching it. Be ready if your child has something to tell you, really ready.
2. Be considerate. Your child has had a day – a good day or a bad day – and you can ruin it or make it even worse by being demanding and crabby. Let your child get in the door and get settled. If you have to remind her to leave her shoes on the mat or hang up her backpack, just say so. “Please do put your shoes on the mat… thanks.” Keep in mind that you can also make her day better, by looking her in the eye, giving her a little hug, and saying, “I’m glad you’re home.”
3. Be respectful. You’ve missed your child and maybe you were worried for him about something – a spelling test or a tummy ache. Even so, the first few minutes your child is in the car or in the house isn’t the time to polish your detective skills. When you can politely ask how the test went, ask. But if he says, “Okay,” and doesn’t say anything more, that’s not an opening to quiz him on how many, exactly, he missed.
4. Be creative. Ask interesting questions if you want to get a conversation going, not the same old tired ones. Instead of asking, “How was your day,” ask something else, like “How was recess?” or “Who did you play with today?” Ask questions that have a good chance to trigger recall the good parts of the day, not the anxious or unhappy parts.

It usually only takes a few minutes for  your child adjust to home-mode from school-mode. Let him have 10 minutes to decompress. Then you can ask about homework. You’re more likely to get an answer.

You probably are making the very same transition that your child is making, from your role in the wider world to your role as a parent and spouse. You also have a transition to make. You also need some time to decompress and adjust to being around the people you love. Give yourself that time by being calm and undemanding of your kids.

How you manage your child’s transition from school to home has a lot of influence on how the evening will go. At the very least, get things off to a good start. There’s no point in being careless about your child’s homecoming and making her feel unwelcome and unhappy.

If your child is happy, you will be too.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.

Look around the next time you eat in a fast food restaurant: what are parents doing while their children eat? A new study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics found that most parents are on the phone.

Researchers watched 55 parents or caregivers and their children as they shared a fast food meal. A whopping 70% of adults (about 39 of them) used their phone – to talk, text, surf the web, check social media, or even watch videos – at least once.  One-third of them used the phone continuously while the children ate.

The children noticed, of course. The study found that kids acted up while their parents were focused on their phones more than they did when parents were focused on them. Parents whose children misbehaved over-reacted, according to researchers, instead of reacting more appropriately.

Naturally, this is a problem. Children who act out in public are a nuisance. Parents who are unreasonably harsh are less successful in guiding their children. But the problem is deeper. Parents who ignore their children during mealtimes are missing out on important learning opportunities for their kids.

Researcher Elaine Schulte notes, “Children really need that interaction and the best thing for developing minds is to build that relationship where the parent is looking at the child, where the child is looking at the parent, they’re engaging in conversation.” Children whose parents have withdrawn into their own, handheld world miss out on chances to talk and think. Conversation is an important vehicle for learning. Less conversation means less learning.

The problem may not be confined to fast food dining. The problem may be happening at other meals, maybe even at your house, during family dinner time. What can you do instead?

1. Keep phones away from the table.  Put them in another room entirely. This goes for children’s phones and handhelds too.
2. Put phones – while they’re away from the table in another room –  on mute during mealtimes so you won’t be distracted by a beeping notification.
3. Turn off the television too.
4. Talk with your children about pleasant topics. Be prepared with neutral conversation starters, like “What was the funniest thing that happened today?” or “Where would you go if you could travel anywhere?” Get your children talking and talk with them.
5. If no one talks with you, talk yourself. Answer your own question. If your family is unused to making conversation, it may take some time to get things rolling.

Don’t give up. If you’re used to consulting your phone frequently, not consulting it will seem odd and uncomfortable. Stick with this, though. Make a new habit to replace the old one.

Make the habit of talking with your kids.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.