“Mom, I’m huuuuungry,”comes the cry just as you sit down for the first time today. Isn’t it amazing how kids have a pre-installed radar to know the exact moment when a parent is about to relax? Well, fear no more. With some planning and training, your elementary age child will be able to whip up a few of their favorite foods on their own. “But why would I want to risk them burning something or making a mess in the kitchen?” you ask. Valid question. But the benefits of kids who are on the path to kitchen independence override the challenges. When children learn how to cook, they develop a skill that lends self-confidence and pride. A New York Times article suggests that children who are more involved with their food choices and preparation are more likely to try new foods. In addition, they also agree that teaching your child to cook allows a great opportunity for parent/child bonding time and for them to develop the executive functions of following step by step directions and creative problem solving.  

So where to start? For children age eight or older who are having a first foray into the kitchen, you may have a few levels to go through to build their confidence (and yours) for this new skill. A frozen toaster oven pizza might be a great first step. Take your child with you to the store and let him pick out a frozen pizza that will fit in the toaster oven (or the regular oven if you are ready).  When you get home, go over the directions, letting him read them aloud and tell you what he thinks each step means. Allow him to turn on the oven, set a timer, and wait. Then sit back as he enjoys his self-made snack.  

Step two can be as simple as mac and cheese. Following the pattern above, let your daughter choose the variety of pasta she wants from the store. This is a good chance to talk about nutrition and how your family chooses food items.  Words like “gluten-fee,” “fat-free,” “vegan,” and “organic” can provide some interesting conversations and help you share your family values regarding health and nutrition with your youngster. Wildtree, founded by a busy mom, provides affordable mealtime solutions and has a Kids Mac and Cheez that is super simple and fun and a pantry staple. Allowing a child to boil water can be scary for a parent, so make ensure you discuss whether or not an adult needs to be in the room for this. Show how to choose the right size pot, how high to fill it, and how you can’t leave the room while cooking. Now might be a good time to reach the meaning of the saying “A watched pot never boils.” Teaching how to measure and mix together the other ingredients builds confidence. Measuring and reading labels also offers opportunities to practice literacy and math skills- great bonus! Practice makes this process easy for your child. It also builds the parent’s confidence to allow less and less supervision and more and more variety in recipes as your child proves competence. 

In any cooking adventure, cleaning up is the cherry on top. Showing your daughter the steps to properly clean up after herself will set the standard for how you want the kitchen to look when she is finished. Spending time with your child teaching these skills is a great way to model your family values and have fun together. If you continue to encourage learning new recipes and new skills, your budding chef will soon be able to not only feed himself, but also the whole family.  

My bologna has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R.  

My bologna has a second name, it’s M-A-Y-E-R.  

Gone are the days of simple bologna on white bread, a Hostess® cupcake and a bag of Fritos®. Rarely do you see paper lunch bags that have been tossed after trading sandwiches with a classmate. Many of today’s school lunches can seem more like a Top Chef contest with parents packing bento boxes and preparing tiny versions of Pinterest-worthy gourmet items. If you could see the lunchroom trash can, you would likely think twice about all this effort. You might also realize that if you have a goal of training your son or daughter to become a well-functioning adult, he will clearly benefit from making his own lunch starting right now. The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests on their website, healthychildren.org, “Do Less. Parents need to stop doing things for their teens, like making lunch or running an “emergency” load of wash, that teens can do for themselves.”

Many parents view the process of making school lunches as a kindness offered to their teens and tweens, who spend most of their waking hours either at school, studying, or at an extracurricular activity. However, if we are serious about developing responsibility and gratefulness in the hearts of our students, one way to guide them down that path is to allow them to make their own lunch. Seems like a simple thing, and it is. But many parents started making lunches when their child started kindergarten, and they just haven’t found the right time to stop, despite the fact that their “child” is now a sophomore. There is nothing wrong with making lunch to save your kids time. But if you do it all the time, they miss the opportunity to gain responsibility, as well as the chance to feel genuinely grateful when something is done for them unexpectedly.

If you want to transition this skill to your tween or teen, simply follow these easy steps. First, have a conversation explaining that you are not quitting as a parent. You are, in fact, stepping up your parent game by adding an important skill to your student’s adulting capabilities. Then let her know that you will either buy items she requests for lunch when you go to the store (give her a day and a way to communicate—text message, list on the fridge) or you will give her money to purchase the items she would like each week. Then ask her if she needs any help with ideas or recipes.

The rest is simple. Don’t make their lunch. Hunger is a powerful motivator. They will figure this one out.

One of the great benefits I have found in following this method is that when your teen oversleeps or has a big project due, he is truly grateful when you step in and make his lunch to save time. When you are no longer the “Lunch Lady,” it gives him a chance to see you in a new light and to appreciate how much you do for him. And after his own attempts to make a meal, dinner might suddenly taste all the better as well.  

 “Mom, have you seen my jeans with the holes in them?”

“Hey Mom, is my soccer uniform clean?”

“Dad, when you are shopping, can you pick up some more socks for me? I’m running out.”

Back in the throes of potty training, most parents heard friends with older children say, “No one goes to college in diapers.” However, there are many students who leave for college without ever having run the washing machine. According to a study by Mulberry Garment Care, 48.6% of males and 32.4% of females have never done laundry until after their eighteenth birthday. Tell your teens since they want to be above average, you are going to teach them to do their own laundry. This is a chore each person in the family can do on their own, even starting at age nine or ten. With a family of seven, my life became exponentially simpler when I stopped worrying about doing full loads of laundry containing everyone’s clothes and let each person wash their own. With high efficiency washers, we no longer have to worry about wasting water doing this either.

Teaching teens how to do their own laundry will prove worthwhile both now and in the future. It just takes a few simple steps.  

First, when implementing any new idea, it is helpful to have a “why” discussion, pointing out the reasons you are transitioning this task from your plate to your teen’s.  You might mention they know best when they need items like sports uniforms or special apparel for work or school. Therefore, they can plan to have their clothes washed, dried, and ready to go better than you can.  They should know that you have always wanted them to be above average, and that learning this skill puts them in category for kids graduating high school. You might also remind them that your job is to teach them what they need to know to be a successful adult, and this is one important “adulting” step in that direction that they can learn and practice ahead of time. The other two steps are simple.  

Ask them to gather their laundry (I said simple, not easy) and meet you by the washer. Show them how to sort, read labels, and run the machine. The cardinal rule of laundry in our house is “towels by themselves.” This eliminates the dreaded lint ball problem. Point out any dark colored cotton items that might bleed, and mention a word or two about how mixing those with light-colored clothes can turn all their favorite T-shirts or underwear pink. It might be enough to keep them from washing lights and darks together. Then step aside and let them have at it.  

Resist the urge to take this responsibility back. You will be tempted to gather their clothes off the floor or grab their overflowing laundry basket and throw a load in while they are at school. This is counter-productive if your goals for them include independence and maturity. Close their door if you need to, but let them manage this on their own. You (and their future spouse) will be glad you did.

If you’re like most parents, you’re frustrated because your child just sits there while you clear the dishes, feed the dog, straighten up the family room, and make the beds. No matter how old or young your children are, they seem to feel entitled to a life of leisure while you do all the work. Why is this? What are you doing wrong? And, more importantly, how can you fix this situation?

How can you get your kids to pitch in and help?

Let’s start with the children themselves. The first big problem is that kids don’t see what needs to be done. Kids just don’t notice that things are messy or that you need a hand opening the door or that the baby is fussing because he can’t reach a toy. Children are naturally self-absorbed. If what we want is for children to see their opportunity to help without be asked, then we’ve got to train them in what to look for.

Second, helpfulness is a learned skill. Becoming aware of others’ needs and being helpful doesn’t just happen. Children need to be taught how to be helpful. But we often don’t do this. It takes time to teach someone how to make a bed and we don’t have any extra time. It’s messy to let our kids feed the dog or gather up the trash. It’s quicker and neater to just do it ourselves. But when we do it all, our kids don’t learn how to do things on their own.

And, third, we make excuses for our children. We think they’re too young. We think they need more free time. We think they should do their homework instead. When we make excuses, we send the message that housework is reserved only for people (us) who have nothing better to do. Or we send the message that our children are incompetent and cannot do housework well enough to suit us. Neither of these messages is true and neither enhances children’s development of responsibility.

Part of being an adult is being able to manage one’s own affairs, make decisions, and anticipate the needs of others. When children are allowed to do chores and are taught how to do them well, they learn important skills. They feel good about themselves. If your kids hate doing chores and can’t see when they could be helpful, then you’ve made doing chores and being helpful a negative experience. It’s time to turn that around.

Ask nicely. Say what you want your child to do, when you want her to do it, and make it a request, not an order. Say, “Before you watch any TV, can you please take the recycling out to the bin?” Make sure you have her attention before you start. Make sure you get a “yes” or even a “yeah, sure” when you finish. If you don’t, get her attention and ask her again.

Don’t micromanage. Making a bed isn’t all that difficult to do and, really, so long as it’s done, it doesn’t matter how well it’s done. So when you ask your child to make his bed, avoid giving him detailed instructions on how to do it. Just ask him to make the bed. If you think he makes the bed badly and if this matters today – maybe your mother is coming to visit – then say, “Grandma is coming over so try to make your bed really neatly this time, okay?” Make sure you get a “yes” or a “yeah, sure” and you’re done.

Say “thank you.” Look your child in the eye, smile warmly and just say it. Say “thanks for feeding the cat.” This is not the time to add, “but next time don’t leave a trail of cat food between the bag and his dish.” Don’t criticize, just say “thanks.” Tomorrow, ask your child to feed the cat and suggest that she try not to drop kibble on the floor or that she pick it up if she does. Another day, another attempt. Today, just be grateful it was done at all.

Children will do just about anything for your sincere thanks. Children love being helpful and important and they want you to be happy. So make helping out a happy experience. Give them the skills and tools for doing a task, ask them to do one, and then thank them when they’re done. This isn’t all that difficult. You can do this.

Remember that the main reason for kids to do chores is not so much the chores themselves, those it’s nice to have some of those done. The main reason is to teach children responsibility and initiative and to learn some task-related skills. What you are doing here is developing attitudes and character. It’s worth the time it takes you.

Make helping out a habit at your house. Make it a friendly, cooperative thing, not a controlling, ordering-people-around thing. Let your kids contribute and be recognized for it. They’ll be eager to do more.

© 2015, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Look for free downloads on Dr. Anderson’s website at www.patricianananderson.com.