Imagine that your child is no longer a toddler. He’s outgrown the impulse to hit other kids for no apparent reason. He understands that hitting hurts. He’s not a bad kid but every once in a while someone hits him. Do you tell him to hit back?

This is not an easy question. No one wants her child to be picked on. We all want our children to stand up for themselves and get some respect.  Certainly we don’t want to raise a bully but we don’t want our kid to be a victim either. Is it ever okay for a child to return violence with more of the same?

Let’s think this through.

If your child hits back occasionally, he will occasionally get into trouble. It will not help your child if he says you told him to hit back. It will not help your child if you tell the authorities you want him to hit back. Hitting back escalates a situation so that instead of one hitter in an encounter, there now are two. Your child is likely to earn the same punishment as the one who started it all.

If your child hits back often, so that hitting becomes his way of dealing with problem people, he will get a reputation for violence. Other kids may goad him, trying to make him hit and getting him into trouble. No matter what the provocation, your child will be looked on as a bully and as someone who goes looking for trouble.

If you still think hitting back is a good idea, see if you can say “yes” to each of these statements:

• Hitting back has never got me into any trouble.
• People like me more because I hit back.
• Hitting back  always calms the situation.
• I can use my impulse to hit back at work, at home, and in the neighborhood with no problem.
• Hitting back  has enhanced my reputation as a respectable person.

There’s a difference between hitting back and defending oneself in a mugging.  Fighting off an attacker in a life-and-death situation is quite different from the sort of playground justice we’re talking about. If you feel your family is in constant danger from violent persons, then there are bigger changes needed in your life than just matching the level of violence around you.

What should your child do instead?

1. Speak up loudly.  He could first tell the hitter, “Hey! Don’t hit me!”  or “Stop it!” Never underestimate the power of speaking up.
2. Leave the scene. No child should stand for violence against himself. Leaving the area or even going home can stop an altercation.
3. Go to a safe area. On the playground or at the rec center, a child can move to a more populated area, especially one where adults are. Hitters don’t want witnesses.
4. Tell an adult. This is not tattling, it’s getting help in a situation that has got out of hand. Unfortunately, when children tell an adult (you) they are sometimes told to hit back. Don’t do that. Safeguard your child but don’t advise him to do things that will increase his troubles.

Gandhi said, “I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.”  Hitting back doesn’t resolve a situation; it only pulls your child down to the same level as the person who hit first.

Help your child find solutions to social problems instead of creating more.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.

“I love you” is nice… everyone likes to hear those three little words. But there are three other words that are even more welcome, and mean even more, to children from preschool on up and even to your friends and family.

“I love you” is nice but “You were right” is even better.

Just think of what “you were right” says. It says that the other person knows something the speaker wasn’t sure of. It says that the other person is competent and capable; she is valued as someone who knows. And it says that the speaker is willing to acknowledge his own lack of understanding about the issue. “You were right” elevates the other person to at least equal status to the person who says it.

“You were right” demonstrates love more specifically than “I love you” ever can. So why doesn’t “you were right” just jump to our lips? Why is it so hard to say?

We might grudgingly say, “you were right this time… ,” making the statement temporary and conditional.

We might say, “you were right but I was right too… ,” muscling ourselves onto the podium alongside the other person.

Or we might even say, “you were right but you were wrong about that other thing once…,” which is about as ungracious as a person can get.

It’s not easy to say “you were right” to our spouses and friends. It’s even harder to say it to our children. Why?

Saying “you were right” means we were wrong. We hate to be wrong. Saying “you were right” is a real sacrifice for us. We have to sacrifice our own status as an authority-on-everything and admit that maybe we really don’t know it all. This is hard, especially when it’s our kids who are showing us up.

But hearing “you were right” is such a boost. It gives a person such a warm, happy feeling inside. It validates one’s own abilities and value. It makes a person feel appreciated. It makes a person feel loved.

The key thing for kids is gaining a sense of their own abilities, feeling confident of those abilities, and feeling competent to apply their abilities to real-life problems. A child’s self-confidence is essential to his success in school and in life and it’s something to encourage.

Yes, kids can sometimes be argumentative and dogmatic. Their need to prove their competence is sometimes not tempered by courtesy. But if they’re right, then they’re right. Tell them so.

Certainly hearing “I love you” is essential. But hearing “you were right” is another great gift. Build your children up.

Tell them when they’re right.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.