Oh, my. You invite a child in for a sleepover. Things seem to be going just fine. Then this kid starts something you never anticipated. Something you never would allow. What now?

This “something” could be anything from viewing porn on the Internet to running naked down the hallway. It could be swearing like a sailor or singing vulgar songs at the top of her lungs. It could be sneaking out with your child in the middle of the night, egging a neighbor’s home or abusing your cat.

Now that I’ve set your imagination in motion, you realize that you could invite in a child who turns your evening into a bad movie plot, either a can-you-top-this comedy or a tragic drama of a sleepover gone wrong. What now indeed?

To add to your angst, let me point out that you are the responsible party here, even though this bad kid has parents of his own. You, not the kid’s mom and dad, are legally liable for anything that happens on your watch. Hosting a sleepover (or even a play date) is not a casual thing.

So how can you keep a sleepover from turning into a nightmare? Here are some things to think about.

1. Know the child or children you’re inviting. A sleepover isn’t something to host when you first move into a new neighborhood. It’s not a way to get to know other kids better. Only invite children you already know well and whose families you’ve had a chance to observe and evaluate.
2. Stay home. For goodness sake, don’t leave your child and his friends alone.  You might add “stay awake” to this, or at least a plan to get up every few hours (set an alarm, please) to check on the kids. You are responsible whether you’re present physically and mentally or not. So stay home and stay alert.
3. Check in often. Stick your head into the family room frequently and see what’s going on. Bring in snacks once in a while. Make it clear to everyone that you’re keeping an eye on things. And, by the way, site the sleepover in a public space, like the family room, not a private space, like a child’s bedroom. Doors should be kept open.
4. Intervene swiftly when there’s a problem. Don’t wait to see if something you think might be a problem really is a problem. Instead, speak up immediately. Say, “That’s not okay. I don’t want to see that again. Got it?” Get confirmation that the message was received. A smirk and a shrug don’t count here. Expect respect.
5. Shut the sleepover down if things get out of hand. Your ultimate weapon is returning a child to her home no matter what the hour. Phone the child’s parents to let them know what has happened and that you will deliver the child to them right now. Don’t worry about inconveniencing another family and don’t argue with the other parents. Just make certain someone is there to open the door and take the child home.
6. Of course, make certain your own child isn’t the instigator. Before the sleepover happens, lay down the ground rules with your own kid. Let him know that you will not look the other way if he acts out, just because there’s company in the house. Realize that your own child and his friends surely will plan out the evening ahead of time, so make it clear to your own kid that he should squash advance talk about adventures you’ll never approve.

Remind your child that hosting a sleepover is a privilege that comes with responsibility for him and for you.  It can be great fun and a growth experience for everyone but only if everyone cooperates.

A mother told me recently that her second-grade daughter had been passed over when invitations were issued for several friends’ birthday parties.  She wondered what was going on and what she should do.

This is naturally concerning. One wonders if other kids or their parents are trying to send some sort of message. One wonders if other kids are engaging in passive-aggressive bullying.  One wonders if one’s child doesn’t really fit in with her peers. A parent quite rightly wonders who is at fault for this situation, other parents, other children, or her own child.

Any of these scenarios is possible, of course. It could be that other parents or other children are treating your family badly. It could be that your child rubs other people the wrong way. But it’s also possible that nothing at all is happening or at least nothing much.

The guest list for a party of seven-year-old children is understandably short. There is a limit to the number of second-graders a parent wants to have responsibility for, especially second-graders under the influence of sugary party foods and birthday excitement. The old rule-of-thumb to invite as many children as the birthday girl is old clearly works only in the preschool years. Once a child’s age exceeds five, the number of guests should depend only on her parents’ estimate of their ability to keep things under control.

So it may be that a child who is passed over for a birthday invitation just may not have made the short list. This might not be what her parents’ wanted or expected but it’s not an indication of something awful. It’s important to not make more of this than it truly is.

In addition, it’s important to notice whose feelings are hurt the most, your child’s or your own. Usually it’s parents who feel this slight most keenly. Parents of course want their children to be happy. But if not being invited doesn’t seem to bother the child, then there’s no need to fret to the point the child is bothered. Keep your indignation to yourself.

If your child is not invited to friend’s parties, take a careful look at things while remaining fair. There may be a problem if…

1. Invitations were issued in class, when uninvited children could see they were not included. Most schools have rules against this sort of thing. If this is happening at your child’s school, complain to the teacher and the principal.
2. Friends use party invitations as a way of controlling others, saying things like “If you don’t do as I say, I won’t invite you to my birthday,” or otherwise use the party as a way to establish an in-group. This is bullying and should not be tolerated. Again, if this is going on at school or on the school bus, tell the teachers and principal.
3. Your child is continually left out, not just of invitations, but in many aspects of kid social interactions. If no one will sit with your child at lunch, or play with your child at recess, or work with her on a project, there’s something amiss. Take a long, hard look at your child’s social skills and help her to find a compatible peer group. 

It’s possible that when your child is left off an invitation list, there’s something serious going on. It’s possible that nothing serious is going on at all. It’s often difficult to tell.

But it’s very hard to sort things out if we’re blinded by our own hurt feelings and anger.  As you figure out what’s going on be careful to stay objective.  That’s the best way to help your child.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.