Many elementary-grade and middle school children spend their afternoons in an afterschool program. Often these programs are conducted right on the school campus but usually they are presented by an outside group.

As one might expect, the quality of these programs is important but the quality varies. How can you be sure your own child’s afterschool experience is a good one? How can you be sure it doesn’t actually contribute to children’s bad behavior?

A recent study in the American Journal of Community Psychology set out to discover if afterschool programs support a sense of community among the children. Feelings of belonging and shared values have been found in the past to be important in adult social organizations. Children in second through fifth grades in three Pennsylvania schools were asked how connected they felt to the other children in the program, how willing they were to intervene if another child was behaving badly and the types of bad behavior they themselves had committed in the afterschool setting.

The researchers found that the more connected kids felt to other children in the program, the more likely they were to uphold behavior standards of the group and the less likely they were to get in trouble themselves. Feeling a sense of community made children act better.

But, “Too often, we don’t create a place where youth can grow, develop and have a hand in shaping their own environments,” the principal researcher Emilie Smith said. She goes on to note that afterschool programs should include practices that support a sense of community among the children and encourage their engagement with the staff and with each other.

If your child attends an afterschool program, what should you look for?

1. Adequate staffing. The more staff, the more likely children will be well-supervised, the more likely bullying behavior will be minimal, and the more likely it is that staff will themselves be unstressed and able to respond calmly. When you walk in, can you quickly find a staff member?
2. Well-trained staff. Of course, afterschool programs tend to hire the most inexpensive, inexperienced employees they can find: high school students, college students, and low-skill adults. So the need for good training is important, along with careful supervision by a highly-qualified leader. Ask about staff training and ask about the credentials of the program director.
3. Humane interactions. Children will copy what they see adults doing, so if staff seem controlling, harsh, or disinterested, children will be mean to each other, uninterested in others’ difficulties, and disengaged from the program itself. When you visit, notice how staff interact with children. Are they modeling respectful, pleasant behavior?
4. Activities that are fun for everyone. Not every child enjoys competitive sports, competitive games, and other activities that pit one child or team against another. Make certain that a variety of activities is offered and that competition is kept to a minimum.
5. Help with homework that is truly helpful. Most afterschool programs dedicate some time to completing homework. How this is handled can affect not only your child’s afternoon but his success in school. So homework supervision that is actually helpful and develops kids’ study skills and abilities is important. Ask how homework is handled before you enroll your child.

Certainly, families who use afterschool care need afterschool care – it’s not optional. And certainly there usually is only one program offered convenient to a child’s school. It’s unlikely that your family will have much choice in the matter.

But that’s not to say you don’t have influence. If the afterschool program at your child’s school seems inadequate, talk to the program director and to the school principal. The value of good afterschool programs is clear.

Good afterschool programs make children feel good about themselves and each other. Good afterschool programs inspire children to behave well. It’s worth it to make certain your child’s afterschool experience is a good one.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.

With summer approaching, your child may ask to host a sleepover. This is usually not much of a problem for the under-10 set, who do eventually wind down and fall asleep. A movie, some popcorn or ice cream, and space for sleeping bags and usually everyone’s snoring by midnight, including you!

But if your child is a preteen or older, sleepovers may be a bit more complicated. If you’re planning on hosting a sleepover this summer, here are some tips to make the evening and the middle of the night go more smoothly.

Invite the right number. Sure your child has lots of friends and no one wants to be left out. But better to host several sleepovers with one or two other children than to host one sleepover and invite 10 kids. What is the most children you care to have responsibility for? Fewer is better than more.

Plan the right activities. The first word here is “plan,” and that’s a good place to start. Even if your child and her friends are fine without your planning, having a couple ideas ready will smooth things over if people get bored. But make certain what you have ready are “right activities.” You don’t want anything that’s too juvenile but you also don’t want anything that’s too adult or too dangerous.

Set the ground rules. Be nice about it but make your expectations clear right from the start and make gentle reminders throughout the night:

• No one in. Nobody who wasn’t on the guest list may be around during the party.
• No one out. No one leaves the yard without your permission and supervision. This means no wandering the neighborhood in the wee hours.
• No photos. You might consider collecting cell phones and tablets upon entry but even if you don’t, remember that an online photo is forever. Kids shouldn’t be tempted to post embarrassing pix of each other. Make sure that doesn’t happen.
• No unauthorized web browsing or television. Even if your own devices don’t have parental controls in place because you trust your child, remember that under peer pressure an entire group of “good kids” can go exploring online and on the TV. Just for this night, if for no other time, restrict access to where kids can go electronically.
• Deliver children back to their homes personally in the morning. When the party is over, it’s over. You can make sure this is so by cheerfully promising other kids’ parents that you’ll drop them off by 9 or 10 the next day.

Good rules for children, yes, but there are also a few rules for you:

• Stay home. Don’t even think of leaving the children alone at the sleepover while you take in a movie somewhere yourself.
• Stay cheerful, firm and accepting. Remember these are all nice kids, just a bit noisier and sillier than they usually are. While you’re helping them have a good time, help them also to follow the house rules and stay safe.
• Stay awake. Remember when your child was a newborn and you and your partner took turns being “on watch” on those nights the baby was fussy. This is one of those nights, even though your child is long past the newborn stage. As much as you can, make sure an adult is always available to help the kids or to settle things down.
• Lock up the dangerous stuff. This is the one night when your alcohol, your medications, and your firearms absolutely must be under lock and key.

If your child is not the sleepover host but a sleepover guest some night soon, review with him ahead of time what your expectations are for his behavior in someone else’s house. Let him know that you will always come pick him up, no matter what the time, no questions asked, if he feels uncomfortable with what’s going on. Make certain the adults are responsible and plan to be on hand – which means you’ve got to ask them how the party will go. A too-casual attitude on their part should be a red flag. Don’t let your child fall into a situation that gets out of hand.

Sleepovers are fun but they take some thinking through. Imagine what can go wrong and take steps to head it off ahead of time.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

It’s the week before Christmas and things may be falling apart at your house. The noise level may seem several decibels higher than usual. The children’s ability to pay attention and follow directions may seem at an all-time low. And they may seem to be annoying each other, melting down into tears, and getting on your nerves like never before.

No surprise: it’s the Christmas Jitters!

Once you realize that your children are wound up in anticipation of the big holiday and all that goes with it, it’s easier to cut them some slack. Here are some tips to help you do just that.

Filter behavior this week through the lens of the Jitters. Lower your standards just a bit. Increase your patience and sweetness. On December 26th things will be back to nearly normal.

Support behavior by keeping things as simple and stress-free as possible. Imagine that your children are each a year or two younger than their actual ages. Assume that none of them is able to cope with complexity right now or manage tasks without supervision.

Notice what you want to see and comment positively on it. It’s easy, when you have so much to do yourself right now, to harp on your children’s disappointing behavior and nag about their shortcomings. Try instead to tell them what they’re doing right. Remember that we always get what we focus on from our kids, so focus on what they’re doing right and you’ll see more of it.

Give kids things to do that will support feelings of being “grown up.” Give your children easy tasks to do that make them feel like contributors to the holiday fixings. Let them help wrap gifts, replace ornaments the cat knocks off, read to a younger sibling, or help with cooking and cleaning. Feeling responsible and useful will help your children behave better all day long.

Recognize that you also have the Christmas Jitters. The holiday time is exciting and stressful for adults too. You’ve got a lot going on, there’s a lot to check off the to-do list, and you’re a bit anxious, maybe, about how some of the things you’ve planned will go over. You also will feel better once the holiday is behind you, but right now work in some time to relax each day.

Keep the holiday merry and bright by smiling at the Christmas Jitters whenever you see them bounce around your house. Excitement is part of the fun!

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Look around the next time you eat in a fast food restaurant: what are parents doing while their children eat? A new study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics found that most parents are on the phone.

Researchers watched 55 parents or caregivers and their children as they shared a fast food meal. A whopping 70% of adults (about 39 of them) used their phone – to talk, text, surf the web, check social media, or even watch videos – at least once.  One-third of them used the phone continuously while the children ate.

The children noticed, of course. The study found that kids acted up while their parents were focused on their phones more than they did when parents were focused on them. Parents whose children misbehaved over-reacted, according to researchers, instead of reacting more appropriately.

Naturally, this is a problem. Children who act out in public are a nuisance. Parents who are unreasonably harsh are less successful in guiding their children. But the problem is deeper. Parents who ignore their children during mealtimes are missing out on important learning opportunities for their kids.

Researcher Elaine Schulte notes, “Children really need that interaction and the best thing for developing minds is to build that relationship where the parent is looking at the child, where the child is looking at the parent, they’re engaging in conversation.” Children whose parents have withdrawn into their own, handheld world miss out on chances to talk and think. Conversation is an important vehicle for learning. Less conversation means less learning.

The problem may not be confined to fast food dining. The problem may be happening at other meals, maybe even at your house, during family dinner time. What can you do instead?

1. Keep phones away from the table.  Put them in another room entirely. This goes for children’s phones and handhelds too.
2. Put phones – while they’re away from the table in another room –  on mute during mealtimes so you won’t be distracted by a beeping notification.
3. Turn off the television too.
4. Talk with your children about pleasant topics. Be prepared with neutral conversation starters, like “What was the funniest thing that happened today?” or “Where would you go if you could travel anywhere?” Get your children talking and talk with them.
5. If no one talks with you, talk yourself. Answer your own question. If your family is unused to making conversation, it may take some time to get things rolling.

Don’t give up. If you’re used to consulting your phone frequently, not consulting it will seem odd and uncomfortable. Stick with this, though. Make a new habit to replace the old one.

Make the habit of talking with your kids.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

Do you know this mother? She won’t let her children dress themselves because “they do it wrong.” So she lays out their outfits each day, even though, at ages three and six, they are pretty much capable of dressing themselves.

How about this dad? He likes to shoot baskets in the driveway with his kids but he keeps criticizing how they stand and how they shoot, to the point they don’t like to play basketball at all anymore.  Do you know this guy?

Parents don’t have to be mean and controlling. They can be overly helpful and controlling. But the result is the same – unhappy kids who feel unloved instead of feeling loved a lot. These parents are wonderful people. They have high standards and they  try to do everything perfectly. Yes, okay, maybe they’re really perfectionists but why not?  What’s wrong with striving for excellence? What’s wrong with trying to be the very best?

Let me tell you what’s wrong. Let me tell you why being a perfectionist backfires on you and on your kids.

No one likes to be manipulated. You don’t like it and – guess what? – your child doesn’t like it either. Just as you rebel when someone tells you all your faults and seems to know exactly how to fix you, your child rebels too. It doesn’t matter that she’s the child and you’re the grownup. It doesn’t matter that you have more experience and vision. Nobody wants to be someone else’s project. Everyone wants to belong to herself.

Your child is not your property. She’s an independent human being.

So, being controlling and having a lot of rules will create a barrier between the two of you.  It won’t “fix” her but will make her more committed to her own point-of-view. Or, even worse, it will make her completely unsure of herself and totally dependent on you. For life.

A better plan is to guide your child in feeling great about herself, competent, capable, and smart. Give her opportunities to try new things and to see how they work out. Help her develop her ability to pay attention, to solve problems on her own, and to think ahead.

Children who are under someone else’s control never know what to do. Left to their own devices they either go crazy and wind up in detention somewhere or they are too fearful and uncertain to do anything at all. Neither way is perfect. Neither way is the way you envision your child growing up to be.

So, if you’re inclined to fix people, start with yourself. Learn to appreciate and nurture, learn to guide and support. Give up being in control of your child and gradually, with your loving help, let your child be in control of herself.

You and your child. Together you can be the perfect family.

© 2014, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Parenting: A Field Guide, at your favorite bookstore.

A parent contacted me last week, asking for advice about her two-year-old’s behavior. The event that triggered her email was a family picnic with her mother-in-law and her sister-in-law’s family. The sister-in-law’s three-year-old children were perfectly behaved and her own son was not. What, she asked me, was she doing wrong?

If you’ve ever been on either side of a situation like this, you know how your children’s behavior can make you feel terrific or can make you feel terrible. It’s easy to think when our kids perform perfectly in public, especially in comparison to other children, that it’s all because of our own wonderful parenting. And when our kids perform awfully, embarrassing us in front of the very people we’d like to impress, it’s easy to think that it’s all our fault.

What bothers us about our two-year-old children continues to bother us as our children get older. When our school-age child doesn’t read books above his grade level as his cousins do or our child doesn’t shine on the soccer field like the girl next-door or our teen doesn’t get so high an SAT score as someone else we know… it rankles. And one of the reasons it rankles is that the parents of those star children seem to rub it in. They act like winners and we feel like losers. But neither position is correct.

We live in a society where any activity can become competitive. If we let ourselves, we can feel superior or inferior in just about anything. And because many of us live through our children, wanting them to be everything we are not including everything we could have been but never achieved, and because we believe our children are “the best” and want them to be “the best” all the time, this competitive spirit infects our parenting. The impulse for social comparison becomes almost irresistible. We cannot think of anything our children do without immediately considering how they compare to other kids.

This is unfair, to ourselves and to our children. I invite you to stop.

You are invited to consider your children all by themselves, without making any comparison to anybody else. Instead of comparing your kids to their cousins or children you’ve heard of or children you’ve imagined, try comparing them to their own past selves. Notice the progress your kids are making in becoming more accomplished human beings. Notice where they are not making progress and consider how to help them. But “help them” means “help them to become more themselves” not “help them become more like some model child” or “help them be better than another child.”

And you are invited to be patient. Each child takes her own path and every child develops on an individual timeline. Getting anxious and antsy helps no one, not yourself and not your kid.

Admittedly, this is difficult when your mother-in-law is watching with that little frown between her eyebrows and her other grandchildren are showing your child up. But acting serene and unconcerned about your kid’s natural kid-ness is more reassuring to your critics than is acting like you think they’re right.

And if you are the one with the perfect children, cut your sister-in-law some slack. You know your kids aren’t always so angelic as they seem right now.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.