Many power struggles are fought over attempts to get our children to do what we expect in the name of learning to be helpful and take responsibility. Too often our best intentions get derailed. Instead of teaching helpfulness and responsibility, we teach them they are disappointments to us.

“When will you ever learn to pick up after yourself?”

“How many times have I told you to hang your coat up?”

“Pick up those dirty clothes right now.”

“Do you ever think about anybody but yourself?”

We get an idea in our heads about what teaching responsibility means—usually stemming from what we got yelled at for— and we plow ahead quite unconsciously. We fear that any exception to the rule will lead to anarchy. But what is the real lesson learned when we hold rigid to a vague principle?

Instead of threatening a time-out unless your two-year-old picks up her toys or your four-year-old cleans his room, consider the agendas. Yours is to have a clean house: no toys to step on, dust bunnies to collect, mice to gather. Your child’s is to play and have fun as much as possible. If your child doesn’t do what you ask, you might assume disrespect, disobedience, or ingratitude when all she is doing is trying to get what she wants. That is her job after all.

Ultimately you want your child to become self-sufficient, take care of her own responsibilities, and respect others. Is this best enforced with power struggles that actually teach her that she is making you mad, that you disapprove of her, and don’t accept her the way she is? Of course that is not your intention, but that is the message of power struggles.

Instead, try modeling what you want to see in your child. If you want a clean room and you are getting resistance, pick up the toys yourself (your agenda after all) and say lightly without sarcasm, “Thank you mommy for picking up my toys.” “Mommy I appreciate you doing my laundry.” In the manner we teach please and thank you when we hear the demand, “Get me some milk”, responding with “…Please mommy may I have some milk?” and, “Thank you” when we give it. We can do the same with behaviors we wish to see from our children. In this way, we are teaching without holding the unrealistic expectation that a young child should be cleaning up messes as we make the orders. Once there is calm modeling going on, then children can be brought into the process to help and eventually take over the task.

Some mornings your perfectly capable child may need help getting dressed or getting out the door. There’s nothing wrong with giving the help to your child that you want to see her give to you.

When children are forced to do what we insist on and feel blamed or threatened when they resist, they get defensive to try to protect themselves from getting in trouble. Defensive behaviors such as yelling back, ignoring, hitting, even laughing are viewed as disrespectful and disobedient when in fact they are protective mechanisms. When we ease them into the process of helping, they are freer to watch, listen and learn with no need to build a wall of defense.

Taking a calmer, less forceful approach is not meant to be an excuse for letting children off the hook from jobs and responsibilities. Nothing is more important for the developing self-esteem and competence than being relied on to help the family run smoothly.

Children naturally want to help—until we blame them for not helping. We have all had toddlers who want to push the vacuum cleaner and scream if you take it from them. You ease them more gracefully from that stage into helping when you don’t insist on them doing as you say every time.

Here are some tips on developing a helpful attitude in your children:

• Let very young children who want to help know they are helping, not hindering, and show appreciation.
• Ask young children for small favors getting something for you or putting something away.
• Understand that some children are more resistant temperamentally to being told what to do than others. They will be harder to assign chores but it doesn’t mean they don’t want to be helpful.
• As your child gets older, don’t drop the ball on expecting him to help or have regular chores simply because he makes a scene when asked to do anything.
• Model the behavior you want, use choices for time, ask if he needs help, acknowledge his agenda, and ask when you can expect the job to be done.
• Be helpful to your child when a bad mood means it’s harder to do what you want. Don’t expect peak capability all the time.
• Offer new jobs to choose from when you see boredom and resistance.
• Don’t use rewards such as food, points or allowance for normally expected jobs. Your child’s reward is knowing he is counted on to be a contributing member of the family.

– See more at: http://bonnieharris.com/developing-roots-helpfulness-children/#sthash.krShd9IB.dpuf

Here’s the scenario: your child needs a jacket in the morning because it’s chilly. But by afternoon, things have warmed up, and the jacket gets left behind, either at school or on the playground. Or your child’s jacket starts the trip home with him but on the way it drops unnoticed onto the sidewalk or onto the floor of the school bus.

You spend good money on stuff your child needs and wants. Money – as we are all too aware – doesn’t grow on trees. So you’re quite naturally frustrated and upset when your child’s things go missing and have to be replaced… or when things get broken through carelessness. How can you help your child be more mindful when the only thing on his mind is his friends and play?

Here are some factors to consider.

First, how old is your child?
Up to age six there’s not much hope your child will end the season with the same jacket she began. So lighten up a little. It’s just stuff. Too much focus on keeping track of belongings may make children anxious and obsessive. Instead, outfit your kids from the thrift store or get things that are easily replaced (consider, for example, buying three pairs of mittens all the same at the start of the winter). Expect loss.

By the time your child enters grade school years he can start taking a bit more responsibility. In fact, learning to be responsible is more valuable than any jacket. Help your child to notice what he’s taking to school and notice what comes back. Help him think through where he will put items while at school so he remembers to bring them home. Let kids keep track of their success but go easy on the crabbing over clothing. Even now, shopping at the thrift store will keep you sane.

In the middle school years, establish ground rules for lost items before they go missing. What will you replace without question and what will be replaced once or twice? What items must the child replace if they are lost and the child wants another? Setting the ground rules before a loss occurs puts the child on notice that she is the one responsible, not you.

If your high school student loses anything, you can be sympathetic but not very quick to replace. Instead, suggest (nicely) strategies for “next time.”

Second, why does your child lose things?
Run through this little mental checklist:

___ Does your child have too many things to keep track of? Fewer things increases the value of what’s left. Maybe you need to pare down.

___ Is there no place for things to be? “A place for everything and everything in its place” only works if there are places. Designate a spot where jackets, mittens, backpacks and sports gear live when they’re not being worn. Talk to your child about where she can put something at school or on the playground if she takes it off while playing.

___ Does your child have little thinking ability for remembering? Young children may not recognize their own things in different contexts. A jacket on the playground may be anyone’s jacket to your child, even though he would recognize it if it were hanging in his cubby in the classroom. Little kids may not have well-developed memory capacity. They may not actually remember what they brought to school that day or what it looked like.

___ Does your child have no mental strategies for remembering? Kids may not have well-developed methods for thinking of alternative locations for what’s missing and so may give up when the assumed location comes up empty. My then-eight-year-old grandson “lost” a DVD when it wasn’t where he thought it should be, even though it was lying in plain sight. Kids also may be unable to think ahead and place items in locations where they’ll be seen and found.

___ Finally, does your child just not care? If she has not been held responsible for her things in the past (even though she is old enough to be more responsible) or if you’ve just always replaced lost items, then taking care of things may not seem very important. This is a message you’ll need to retract.

What to do now?
If your child is old enough to start being more responsible for his things, then it’s only fair to let him know. At a quiet time – when nothing’s been lost recently – talk about your wish that he step up a bit. Together, choose one item or one set of items to keep track of (maybe his jacket or his sports gear or his backpack), and set a challenge for not losing this item for a week. Then another week. Then maybe a month. With some success at one item, you can add another.

Realize there will be some setbacks. If your child is especially unfocused, you may need to be more supportive. Talk about where the target item should be put, how to mentally say “I know where it is. It’s in… my closet,” and how to retrace her steps if the target item comes up missing. Being more responsible is a skill that requires teaching. So teach.

And do understand that it is just stuff. Your child and her happiness mean more.

© 2012, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.